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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Autistic women assemble! #3

996 replies

Nepmarthiturn · 06/01/2024 18:58

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

OP posts:
Thread gallery
31
LoveSandbanks · 01/02/2024 17:59

I fell out with a long term friend after she posted “French children don’t have ADHD” and then doubled down when I pointed out the errors in the article.

Absolutely no regrets

NeedAnUpgrade · 01/02/2024 18:42

That ‘study’ was a load of crap, the whole thread was just meant to be goady. I should probably ignore stuff like that but sometimes I feel the need to point out the obvious.

TheShellBeach · 01/02/2024 21:34

Has it been deleted?

Zok · 02/02/2024 10:54

My husband moved me out the way (not pushing ) just to get past
and I told him I found that rude

and he said I’m accusing him
he then shouted at me

as I have Aspergers why don’t things come out right

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 11:03

Zok · 02/02/2024 10:54

My husband moved me out the way (not pushing ) just to get past
and I told him I found that rude

and he said I’m accusing him
he then shouted at me

as I have Aspergers why don’t things come out right

I'm sorry you were shouted at by your husband.

I don't think that your being autistic gives him carte blanche to be verbally aggressive to you, or to push you out of the way.

Have you been with him for a long time? Is he also autistic? You sound distressed.

Zok · 02/02/2024 11:14

Yes very distressed
although he moved me out the way gently he’s done it before as we have a small kitchen I told him I found it rude

he said I should not accuse him and he told me to zip it /be quiet

he said he wouldn’t need to tell me to be quiet if I hadn’t accused him

trying to argue with him gets me nowhere
he doesn’t apologise

you hear of men who are sorry later but that’s never him

Yesterday I said he forced me to share the purchase of a vacuum he wanted which I didn’t think is good one and he said I’m accusing him of being abusive with word force

i only meant that he didn’t want to buy any other vaccuum and I had to get that one with him. I know he didn’t make me buy it
but our house hasn’t been vacuumed in months and I felt desperate

NeedAnUpgrade · 02/02/2024 11:23

@Zok does he blame these issues on you or your autism?

Having some communication difficulties doesn’t make you automatically at fault in every situation.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/02/2024 11:31

@Zok I don't think your words seem like the problem here, other than him using them against you. I think he also knows that you get nervous and are treading on eggshells, and is using that against you, too.

It sounds awful and I'm sorry you're in this situation. He is the problem here, not you, and not the fact you have Autism.

Zok · 02/02/2024 11:53

He’s said in the past that there is something wrong with my brain and I should listen to him
never mind I have a photographic memory and micro manage the home whereas he forgets he puts laundry in the dryer doesn’t remember to take it out I have to remind him

I do suspect he’s on the spectrum as a child he said he had some kind of adhd where he would repeatedly kick a wall
in the Middle East the conditions are not understood well and I suspect his dad wasn’t too nice to him

he used hand gestures a lot
he’s never wrong
he thinks women deserve to be told quiet if they anger men

Zok · 02/02/2024 11:58

I stutter sometimes during discussions with him and the wrong words sometimes come out
he interrupts me a lot

I’ve told him that I find that rude and he says he has to interrupt as I’m talking wrong /rubbish and he can’t tolerate it

When I first got my diagnosis he said autism isn’t real and is an excuse for me to behave badly .

his mother praised him a lot as a kid and that might have made him arrogant

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/02/2024 12:24

@zok I don't quite know what to say, apart from the fact that his attitude to you, and to women in general is disgraceful.

I used to stutter a lot when I was being bullied by my boss.

Do you have anyone else around you in real life for support?

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 13:32

@Zok I'm so sorry. The way your husband treats you is wrong.

It has nothing to do with your autism - he is using that as a stick to beat you with.

He sounds like just a very unpleasant misogynist, who has no respect for you.

Have you got children? I'd definitely be thinking of splitting up with a man who treated me like that, and who made such dismissive comments to me and about women generally.

Is your own family near by?

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 13:35

And Zok - is he physically aggressive? Does he hit walls, for example, or throw things violently?

It sounds like you feel you can't say anything to him without him getting angry.

Jules912 · 02/02/2024 14:43

Zoe the way he treats you is bordering on abusive. I certainly couldn't stay with someone who doesn't believe autism is real. While my DH doesn't always get it he does at least try to understand and support me.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/02/2024 15:13

@zok I've just seen your other thread. He absolutely is abusive and as others have said on there, you need to get out.

I know you want to stay as you don't want him having access to your kids without you there, but honestly, this is a damaging environment for yourself and the kids.

I also remember your thread about your son from a while ago. I hope you can get yourself and your kids away from your husband ASAP.

TheShellBeach · 02/02/2024 15:46

I've been reading your other threads @Zok

You're in a very abusive marriage.

Contact Women's Aid. They will help you. The main thing is getting away from your husband. You will be helped to find somewhere to live.

I doubt if your husband will want to share custody.

Zok · 02/02/2024 19:29

Our marriage was rocky from the start I never felt I truly loved him as was an arranged (not forced ) marriage
in the first few weeks I chatted to my ex as I missed him and my husband found out and became upset and still holds a grudge

so he got many signals that I don’t like him and I lashed out during autistic melt downs sometimes scratching him if he recorded the meltdowns or if he said things against me
I also insulted his family at one point out of jealousy for how close they are

he won’t do anything with the recordings but ive asked him to delete them

he’s always liked me more than I like him but he won’t leave first

that may be because whoever initiates things in Islam has to give back the dowry and he doesn’t want his family to judge him

I’m not trying to blame Aspergers but it makes me obsessed with certain things and gives me a one track mind sometimes

RainbowZebraWarrior · 03/02/2024 10:43

It sounds messy and toxic, @zok. I couldn't personally live like that (I've extricated myself from relationships before because I had to as it made me ill. It can be done)

Sorry I don't really have any advice I'm afraid.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 03/02/2024 10:50

How is everyone this weekend? It's a beautiful sunny day here. Me and DD are going to fo for bubble tea at lunchtime. We are also doing her room out, so she is choosing paint etc and rather excited.

We had a wellbeing workshop yesterday afternoon at school, but DD was overwhelmed so went into the sensory room. One of the other kids went in to talk to her and I was a bit concerned she would (metaphorically) push him away. She didn't, and she's realised by him opening up to her that she's not alone in her struggles. We are going to arrange for him to come round for tea. Bless her, she said she needs all the friends she can get. It's such a shame that she was universally loved by all kids when she was younger, yet now she struggles with anxiety etc, most of the kids really distance themselves.

In other news, me and my Dad cut down the Eucalyptus tree yesterday that was nearly touching the telegraph wires. We realised its been weakened by the storms and was rocking in the ground. Not worth waiting for it to fall on someone's car. I also had a lovely chap out to clean my gutters, which haven't been done in years and it was making me feel crap. I'm planning on getting a few more jobs done before Spring as I usually put off, but I want things done this year.

toffee1000 · 03/02/2024 11:15

@RainbowZebraWarrior ooh I like bubble tea! My friend introduced me to it a couple of years ago. I go for fruit teas. There’s a bubble tea kiosk in my town’s shopping centre, and one of the flavours offered is watermelon fruit tea. It’s so good! I also like Starbucks cream frappucinos (so without coffee). I’m not really a coffee fan - it’s too bitter for my taste. I have a massive sweet tooth.

TheShellBeach · 03/02/2024 13:26

I also have a very sweet tooth.

I ate four Portuguese custard tarts yesterday.

I daresay I'd have eaten more if I'd bought them.

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 03/02/2024 20:15

As you are discussing drinks etc, I am compelled to join in! I tried the new Costa "hot milkshake" against my better judgement - it sounded gross. It was Salted Caramel Coffee flavour which is how my neice managed to persuade me (because I'm a sucker for anything Salted Caramel, LOL). It was absolutely delicious though, only problem was it was sooo sweet I felt nauseous for hours afterwards. I don't think the cookie helped either!

toffee1000 · 04/02/2024 07:23

I once had a “Hazelnut and Chocolate Frappe Crème” from Caffè Nero, thinking it’d be like a Frappuccino from Starbucks. It was gross. I got my mum to try some and she also agreed that it wasn’t very nice. We couldn’t quite work out what we didn’t like about it! It was made with normal semi-skimmed milk, not a vegan substitute. It was like it was too sweet… even I’ve got limits haha.

JewelleryCat · 05/02/2024 09:57

How is everyone this Monday?

NeedAnUpgrade · 05/02/2024 10:39

Morning @JewelleryCat.
I’m meant to be working but really struggling to focus this morning. Monday mornings are full of meetings with only 5-10 minutes break in between so struggle to get started on anything.

My youngest DD asked if it was Monday when she got up and when I started it was she just said ‘oh no’. Something I can completely relate to 😁

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