Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Just completely flipped my lid at ds1 (22). He’s a bone idle entitled dick. Not prepared to do anything around the house and firmly believes me and his father should work full time and do everything around the house while he sits around gaming 24/7.

I’ve had to leave the house otherwise I’d be telling him to get out by end of February

am now sat in the car at motorway services with the car stereo BOOMING!

motorway traffic is heavy so it might take me ages to get home.

@LoveSandbanks that sounds really tough. I think life is hard enough without additional pressures like that to contend with. My instinct is always to drive, too. Be safe, though. Hope you are home soon and have somewhere you can have a little distance from him at home.

I've been struggling to keep up but still reading ( although it's currently going in one ear and put the other). @shellbeach glad your DS is doing well. Whoever's DS was doing nothing that would drive me mad too, my 11 year old always tries to get out of stuff saying his too small. ( to be fair he is tiny and genuinely can't reach to empty the dishwasher etc), he won't be allowed to continue to 22.
Struggling a bit as DH has been ill ( genuinely, he's usually pretty good) and I've had to do everything and in my infinite wisdom I booked all appointments for/about DD today as I don't work Mondays. I've escaped on a work trip where I booked a different hotel to the rest of the team ( I told them due to coming by train but sure you lot will understand ) and currently enjoying the peace and quiet.
Interesting about the keeping the house organised. I don't think I have ADHD or ADD but just can't keep on top of it.

Hi all, can I join please?

I was diagnosed with ASD 8 years ago when my DS was 2. I had a horrible pregnancy (DS wasn't planned) and it took years for my MH to get back to any semblance of 'normal'.
DS was then diagnosed with ASD 2 years ago. It took 3 years for his diagnosis as we had to move house during covid so he went back to the bottom of the pile and I had to jump through the same hoops all over again to get the assessment process restarted.
We're now trying to get him screened for ADHD on the advice of the paeds consultant who did his ASD assessment. Unfortunately in this area of the country two separate services do the different assessments so we're right back at the beginning again.

DS is now nearly 10 and we're currently researching private secondary schools as he'll get absolutely eaten alive at the local comprehensive. He's very bright and manages the work fine but is a delicate little pink and sparkly soul who loves fairies and unicorns and is happiest at his ballet class.

Add in my own MH issues, the fact that I've had to give up my much loved nursing job as I couldn't cope with the environment anymore (it was 30C at the height of summer) and I'm also helping to care for my Dad who has a degenerative neurological condition. I do two days a week while the kids are at school so my mum can go to the gym, do the food shopping etc. I've also ended up being her therapist as she won't/can't get any professional help.

Oh, and in the last few weeks DD (5) has started refusing to go to school. I cannot get to the bottom of why but she rolls herself up in the duvet and screams at me when I try to get her up. Today was the fourth or fifth occasion I had to take her to school in her pjs so that DS wasn't late. School are brilliant and do everything from getting her changed to doing her hair and cleaning her teeth.
She went in pretty well for a few days because she went to the SENCO's office and cuddled the school therapy dog before being taken round to her class but now that isn't working.

My mental health is in the toilet and all I want to do is sleep.

Hi there, @RaspberryHouseBlues and welcome!

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. You'll find lots of women on this thread who are going through similar.

I've just seen my autism diagnosis in black and white - I wasn't sure for a while if the NHS would accept it, but they have.

I feel like I am drowing at the moment. I have a few different names on here for varying things but I just feel like life keeps throwing shit at me and again while the adhd diagnosis to me was fairlty obvious I am still weirded out a bit about the asd. Now I paid privately and this psychologist and psychiatrist are well known so they cannot be wrong but I just feel like I am obsessing over proving them wrong if that makes sense? It doesnt help that I am a chronic insomniac and currently watching 'Love on the spectrum' and I am not like that. I mean I do not see anything physically in anyone on that show that is even remotely like me. Ok yes I do see things in black and white, I am 100% all in to something or 100% out of it, I do talk a lot but I can make eye contact and I am just finding it strange to watch if that makes any sense? I have listened to all the audibles and eaten all the books and when I read about asd I think yes that is me but when I look at asd I think no, this is not me. Its just so hard for me to digest for some reason.

@Jules912 that sounds like a lot to cope with, no wonder your MH is suffering. Do you get a break at all? I’m only asking as for years I would just carry on dealing with stuff if there was no practical reason not to. It was like my MH wasn’t a factor in what I could do. It wasn’t until I got really ill and had to stay in bed for a few days that I realised how much I actually needed some time out of it all. I’m not great at it now but I’m getting better.
It’s good that the school are helping with your DD. I think all schools should have therapy dog!

@Psychoticbreak I’ve not been assessed yet but I could imagine feeling the same if I got a diagnosis. I think maybe it’s down to years of having your feelings and needs dismissed. Assuming that’s happened to you. I was always made to feel that I was the problem and was too sensitive or just weird for not really being able to fit in. The majority of autistic traits that I have were put down to me just not trying hard enough.
I think that’s what is partly stopping me going to the GP, I don’t want to be dismissed again and made to feel like I’m making things up.
I guess it probably just takes time to sink in.

@Psychoticbreak it occurs to me that the media still probably puts the "most obvious" autistic people on display.
Also probably every late diagnosed woman I've ever read about gets a little imposter syndrome. 5 years on I still feel like someone may have made a mistake, but I'm definitely still autistic. If it was more obvious in day to day life I wouldn't have got to age 42 without a diagnosis is the way I see it.

@Psychoticbreak I was in an autism awareness course and work and they were talking about the programme they gave to attract autistic grads and I was sat there thinking about how unrealistic their expectations are when it hit me. My frame or reference for autism is my kids but they’re not looking to attract autistic people like my kids. They’re looking to attract autistic people like ME! (Not yet diagnosed)

love on the spectrum isn’t looking for autistic people like us, they’re looking for autistic people like my kids! They want people that present much more obviously, who don’t mask (without realising it)

big hugs ❤️

@Psychoticbreak sorry to hear that you are still struggling. I think if you didn't knowingly enter a combined ASD and ADHD assessment (as in, you only went for an ADHD assessment) I'd be confused, too. I know you've talked about the practitioners being very good / well known, but if it were me I'd still be confused and I'd ask for a post diagnostic discussion with them.

I've not been aware of anyone going for a single assessment and getting a diagnosis of both. It is, however, very common to be diagnosed with one and then referred for the other with details of traits in the report. I've said before - as have others - that processing takes time. All of us, however, at least had the benefit of knowing we were being assessed for ASD, and already had thoughts that we were likely Autistic.

For what it's worth, I know we've discussed a few things on here and I think I'm right in saying that you have identified that you have some similarities with us (as in other Autistic women) on here, so I'd take comfort in that (as in you aren't an imposter)

Maybe some therapy is needed in order to help you process this. I don't like the way adults are diagnosed and then just left to get on with it. I'd also imagine that from what you say about having other things going on, that this will be having an impact on you being able to process and accept your diagnosis.

As always, sorry for the long message. I hope it makes sense.

Regarding Love on the Spectrum, I've watched it all. There are some characters on there that I love, but mostly I don't identify with them at all. As others have said, they clearly seek out certain types for the programme. I think I'm right in saying that there are more men, too.

I think it comes down to self awareness. That's often a big difference with supposed 'High functioning Autism' and women often presenting differently / being expert maskers.

I've had some good news this morning. DD has been awarded DLA and we've had the backpayment in the bank. I had both my PIP claim and her DLA claim running concurrently, so the fact we've both been awarded this month is such a weight off my mind.

Oh Rainbow, that's such a relief for you. Getting the money, I mean.

@NeedAnUpgrade that is it actually. Even after paying the money for my diagnosis my family have dismissed me and it. I have actually not spoken to them nor them me since I got diagnosed. Not very supportive.

@QuickFetchTheCoffee that is a very very valid point actually.

@RainbowZebraWarrior it does make sense. I have another meeting with them in 2 weeks time as with life events had to postpone but will definitely be asking more questions.
That is great you got the money too :)

@Psychoticbreak I was pretty old by the time I was diagnosed and I had spent all the time waiting for the diagnosis trying to figure out if I was or I wasn't autistic.

Sometimes I'd convince myself that I wasn't, because I had pre-conceived ideas about autism. I felt that I "wasn't like them" - but I was, and I am, and I recognise it in myself easily now.
It takes a good while to get to grips with it, though.

Well done @RainbowZebraWarrior that's really good news 🙂

More good news!

DS was awarded his ADP today.

He got Standard Care and Mobility. I agree with the Mobility side of it, but think he should have got Enhanced Care, so we're going to appeal it.

He'll still get paid the Standard Rate while they look at it again, so we might as well go for it.

I could do without the hassle! But we're all thrilled he got it. He's already had the back pay.

Hurrah! @TheShellBeach that's basically the same as DD got today (middle rate care and low mobility DLA) I must admit, I'll probably put a coc in at some point, as things are progressing with her Neurodivergence - for example she's since been diagnosed with situational mutism - but we will take that for now. She's only 12, so the system is so different to the adult system / descriptors.

Well done @TheShellBeach 🙂

That's great news @TheShellBeach ! I hope the appeal is upheld.

Well this is an interesting study….what does everyone else think? | Mumsnet

Yawn.

Well my comment on that thread will probably be deleted.

I've not got much patience any more and I'm sick of wasting my time with eloquent and well researched and understood arguments. Certainly with wind up asshats like that OP, anyway.

I have no mental energy for a thread like that.

MNHQ knows our views about ableist thread. I wish they would zap stuff like that as soon as it appears.

They wouldn't allow racist threads to stand.

It's outrageous, but I believe we'll get there eventually.

I'll report the thread, but I'm not getting embroiled in it.