I need a good talking to, bring me back down to earth vipers !

[GreenSilks]

I’ve been single for 6 years. Had one 6 month relationship in all that time. I have had approx 150 online coffee dates. I never fancy any of them.

In the 6 years I’ve just concentrated on bringing my 2 kids up, my career and making ends meet. I have a good life really, great family and friends but admittedly have been lonely for adult company. I go on holidays alone or with friends and am out most weekends doing sports or with friends.

All this is relevant as I don’t want anyone to think I’m just grasping at straws as I’m that desperate.

Anyway if I read on a thread on mumsnet what I’m about to post, I’d be rolling my eyes and jumping in with advice.

Here goes, 4 days ago I matched with someone on Tinder, there was an instant connection, and we went straight onto WhatsApp, at my suggestion. First red flag “instant connection” I mean what a load of shit, how can you “connect” with someone online??

We’ve talked on the phone a couple
of times, for 2 hours at a time. We laughed nonstop. It was just amazing.

Ok, second red flag …. He works abroad! I know! I know!! Although it’s 2 months away and 1 month home in the UK.

Third red flag- he’s 13 years younger than me! Tall, good looking and from what I can gather from the job he does, very financially secure. He has 2 young adult kids who he see regularly and an ex who isn’t a psycho.

Look I’m a veteran of on-line dating, and I’ve seen it all, but this guy I feel is 100% genuine! Although … 4th red flag I can’t find him on social media and I can normally find anyone!

Right vipers getting ready for the punchline. He’s home in 10 days and … I’m picking him up from the airport!

WTF! I am so excited, we’re talking about a future together. WE HAVEN’T EVEN MET!

He says he feels the same, he’s not gone as far to declare his undying love but he’s said loads of amazingly sweet things. It doesn’t feel like love bombing. He’s only (so he says) been in 2 relationships.

Wish I could enable voting on the App, but I’m being stupidly naive eh?

Should add, I'm in my 50's

Hmm I did online dating for a while & had a couple of men that presented like this.
I do now think they were married/ attached.

You knows those posters that just don't listen and say

But this, and but that ....

And you want to bang their head against a wall. That's me that is!

I feel like I'm reading what you're saying but not listening. I sooooo want him to be genuine.

As @something2say says High risk - high reward

Anyway i'm signing off for now. Way out to see a mate. Thanks vipers.

Hope it works out but the only other scam I can think of that's similar (but they don't usually use dating apps) is the pig butcher romance scam one.

IT MIGHT NOT BE A SCAM!!!

GOD'S SAKE!!

OP 23 years ago I met a guy online in a chat room, he travelled for 3 hours by train to come stay with me and my parents. We have 2 kids and a grandchild been married for 18 years.
It can happen. Just wanted to be a positive voice. This could be your love story, or it could not, but either way it's going to a good adventure.

And take care !!!!

Red (for me, at least) flag number 34....

Is 'Villa Mate' a member of the royal family, a member of parliament, or some other high-profile entity that would cause him to only be identified as Villa Mate and not Kev, Rupert, Dave or whatever?

The fact that "Villa Mate" doesn't appear to have a name is a bit weird, don't you think?

I'm sceptical but hope he's real.

Why on earth is it?! I don’t use social media and, though I say it myself, I don’t consider myself in any way dodgy!

Oooh that was a good threat. Please update us OP

Sorry ... thread not threat

I've read Op posts and some others, but not all.

Life is short, go for it.

BUT the ONLY red flag for me is that after Xmas and being away he would rather be picked up by a virtual stranger than his children.

I have friends in same position. One separated, amicable, two together. The day to day grind is hard for these mums and the leave is one hundred percent about the kids.

Me and my husband (mid 30s) have been together since teens. He’s never had social media because he has no interest in it.

Before anyone jumps in and says he’s hiding something, I know all his passwords and we have a joint bank account. Me on the other hand, I have lots of social media accounts. He has lots of friends but is more of a private person. No social media isn’t always a red flag, isn’t it sad that we now think this! If me and my husband were to split up I’d always look a new partner up and think no social media is a red flag.

Good luck, keep us updated.

@arethereanyleftatall

well that rather depends on whether you want to live life, or sit home alone never taking any slight risk. It's a risk driving on our roads, it's a risk playing sport, it's a risk going to a bar...

no risk, no life/living .

mitigate risk, but not eliminate risk

People saying they gave no social media - yeah ok fine. But he had social media and deleted it all when he split from his ex so they would check up on each other. All well and good but he included LinkedIn. No one would consider LinkedIn something they would delete over a relationship split. That makes no sense whatsoever

There's a rather large amount of space @JingleSnowmanTree between not living life and giving a stranger a lift.
This particular risk doesn't need to be mitigated, since it can be eliminated simply by the op meeting him a bit later for a coffee.
We do take risks, yes, this particular one is completely unnecessary and achieves nothing.

I hope OP comes back to update us more at some point....

Anyway -

So presumably you now know his full name, so you can do a background check? I always do that before dating someone. You'll also have his DOB so that will help.

Re the talking in the car thing. I might be lacking in imagination, but I can't imagine anyone doing this unless they lived in a very cramped housing situation or were living with very nosey parents in a small house. Even if married, it looks so suspicious! Can anyone imagine their OH telling them they're going outside to use the phone in the car? So this just doesn't make sense to me, especially if you could see the villa that he definitely lives in in the background, I'd not necessarily be too worried. But definitely very curious.

Not having social media isn't a red flag. I didn't have any sm for two years. The fact that he deleted everything including LinkedIn because of his ex for some reason? Again, I don't get it.

How often have you seen mumnset come onto a thread a warm the troll hunters. Oh yes almost never!!

Eh? Literally all the time whether the thread gets deleted or not?

Anyway OP, why does he need his mate to leave the villa before he can show you around? The 'voice booming thing' is a feeble excuse but waiting until his mate goes out makes no sense at all, unless the 'mate' is actually his wife?

Yes, I'd casually ask to meet the housemate at the same time as the tour, all over facetime I presume.. Where's the harm in that?

Went to my mates and she reminded me of a website I'd recommended to her when she was OLD.

So I searched him ... and sadly (very sadly) the mumnset collective was on the ball.

He's not a scammer in the traditional sense. But def some sort of catfish. He uses the same name he uses with me and the same city. Both of which I've removed.

I'm also not going to share the website as don't want those wankers to know there is a way to be found out.

But it's 100% the same person. He told me he'd only been on Tinder a week! But these "reviews" go back 3 months. Also 55 other people have searched him, with only 4 leaving "reviews". We've not sexted so god only knows what he's getting out of it.

Not sure how I'm going to go forward, whether to keep him on the hook and not let him know I know or just block him.

Obviously I won't be going to the airport!

I can think of a few: Offshore personnel, oil rig workers, ships crew, it’s not unusual to do eight weeks at sea and a month on leave.

You’re on it @GreenSilks Disappointing for you and a major success in mind over heart in equal measure.

Does he know where you live? If not I'd be tempted to make some odd requests before gently letting him down.
Sorry OP.

Oh god, sorry OP. You have been very wise by searching though, so hats off to you on that one!

What on earth did he talk to you about in the conversations you had?
I don't understand why people do this.

I'd be plotting some kind of revenge thing, but I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Except of course to leave your own anonymous review, when the time is right for you.

But what is going to happen if you pick him up at the airport and you really really don't fancy him or even if he gives you the creeps? What will you do? at least with a coffee date, you can make an excuse and run.