Working mums - would you rather be a SAHM?

[Feelingcrappy2]

Just out of curiosity. I have 2 little ones, very undecided whether or not to go back. Feel lucky that I have the option to stay home but not sure if I want another year of being in this flat!

I was a sahm for a long time, and now work full time. In a perfect world I would be working part time, say, 5 hours a day, but I'm not interested in going back to my sahm days. It was great while it lasted, but we couldn't afford it now.

I haven't seen anyone call a SAHM sick it's true but I have seen the following on this thread alone "depending on a man innit, I'd go braindead, I don't want to sit around the house all day, I have too much ambition, it's mind numbing, it'll just end badly, I need intellectual stimulation, I couldn't do nothing all day"

I was called a 'handmaiden' for suggesting that it's perfectly fine if a woman's main ambition is to stay home raising her kids....I'm not even a SAHM 🤣 Ive pretty much always worked full time while raising my kids.

I'm not trying to say youre wrong or anything and it's awful that someone said that to you. Ultimately I'd love it if everyone could get to a point of expressing their desire for one or the other in a way that doesn't shit on the people who want the opposite. (Although with this being mn I get it's a big ask)

and on this thread alone regarding working mums we have

''no one has to put their children in nursery at a very young age, most go back to work because it's the easy option''
''It's sad to me that so many seem to be suggesting that having to fill an entire day with your children on your own is so dreadful''
''You do realise that if you're a SAHM you are literally raising your own children, what could be more important than that? You're weird if you don't value that, I hope you don't have children''

and there's also implying that only SAHM's raise children, working mums only work for cars, holidays etc

It is absolutely in both directions. To be honest, this thread is one of the mildest ones.

Reader, I was a SAHM.

Loved it, but it was back in the day when a lot of women did the same, and it was possible to do a lot of socialising. And, though it wasn't easy, we managed on one salary. Times have changed ... so many parents don't have the choice, and what do you do if you live somewhere where everyone else works?

I don't regret those years at all, but I'd definitely have had a better career if I'd worked more. Had I done so, I'd probably be lamenting what I'd missed. Green grass and all.

As it is, I'd say being a SAHM is great if you can afford it, and it's what you want. I did a bit of working part-time with young children and that was OK. Also tried both of us working full time for a while. Very stressful, even when the kids were older. Only needed a bit of sickness, unexpected dilemma or other trouble for a hot mess. Once kids were older, being at work full-time couldn't happen fast enough, but I love my job.

Not really. But if you had money and s big network of other shams I think it would be pretty great for a while.

I'm pretty fed up working with the kids. I'm totally trapped. I need to work to pay half the mortgage but most of my extra money is gone on childcare. I can't afford the childcare I actually need. So I compress my hours which is really stressful. I only have to go in twice a week but my commutes s nightmare and frequency goes wrong. I struggle to get home to pick up the kids on those days. I also loose hours tgst need to be made up over the weekend. I have no time to do anything outside work. Im tired and to cap it all off I've trapped myself in s bit if a dead end job because it's flexible.

I just can't see what the point of it is.

But the subject isn’t Sahms.

The subject is working parents. Not sahp. It’s asking for working mums opinions.

The first arsey comment was from a sahp. Who took people saying ‘no I would be bored’ type comments as a dig at sahp. Which is what often happens on these threads.

If I say that I wouldn’t be a sahp because it was important to me to be fully financially independent and have the security of knowing I would be ok, financially, in the event of my husbands death or we divorce. That’s not a dig at people who that’s not important too. It’s me talking about me.

People who are saying they would be bored, are saying they would be bored. Doesn’t mean that all sahp must be bored. They are saying they would be. If you go on a thread that’s not aimed at you and get offended by people talking about themselves, that’s your issue.

It would be like going on a thread with a title of ‘if you chose not to have kids do you regret it’ and people who do have kids turning up and being offended by people saying they don’t regret the decision to not have kids and why it was the right one for them. Then saying ‘people are so rude about people who have kids’.

I was the one who said ''It's sad to me that so many seem to be suggesting that having to fill an entire day with your children on your own is so dreadful'', but it was in response to people being horrible to SAHMs, saying that they couldn't imagine anything more boring than having to fill a whole day with their child. Which is insulting towards those who do do that and see it as a very valuable and worthwhile way of spending their time.

In fact I think all of those comments you quoted were in response to people initially being highly condescending towards SAHMs.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you'd even click on a thread like this if you're a SAHM who is likely to take offence at people explaining why they prefer to work.

Were you looking for validation from lots of posts from WOHMs wishing that they could be SAHMs instead? Given the thread title, it's inevitable that many posters will explain why it is their personal preference to work. That isn't a judgement on you or your choices, it's simply a statement about what they want from their own lives.

I was miserable at home on mat leave. I need a lot of intellectual and social stimulation and I'm very goal-driven. I could fill the time day to day, and I was out constantly, but it was very, very samey, which I struggle with. That's not a criticism of people who loved being at home. It's just the way I'm wired. Quite possibly I'd be a happier person if I was more like people who love SAHPing. Who knows? All I can say for sure is that I would not be happy SAH. That's not any kind of implied criticism of people who are.

No

I am the main earner but regardless I want financial independence and to do something else with my brain. That said, in an ideal world I’d do slightly fewer hours and would have had another year at home before going back. I took the full 1 year off then back 30hrs/4 days. If I could, I would’ve done 2 years off and 25hrs/3 days work.

DD starts school this year and 9-2 would be perfect but not possible in my role.

This. And honestly, while in general I think ‘your life, your choice’, I get irritated with the posters who appear to genuinely believe they’re #soblessed and #fortunate to be a SAHM, and therefore, working mothers must envy them their lot because they ‘have to’ work. Possibly a small minority of WOHMs do wish they could stay at home, but in my experience, envying economic dependence isn’t a widespread view.

It gets better once they're in high school. I've got a friend who feels a bit lost at weekends, cos his kids want to do stuff with their friends these days. I, on the other hand, am filled with joy at the freedom. Not sure about financially though- the occasional magazine on a shopping trip was a lot cheaper than 'can I have some money for....?'

So essentially in the eyes of some on here the following is true...

"I could never be a working mum as I feel strongly about being the one to raise my own children to the best of my ability" A horrible and goady post with nasty implications.

"I could never be a SAHM because I have goals and ambitions, am an intellectual and it's boring to sit around doing nothing all the time in pajamas" Totally fine. Doesn't produce any horrid insinuations whatsoever.

It's okay to admit that both of these are needlessly nasty and neither explanation is necessary when describing your personal preference.

No. I do 2 days only though. No childcare needed as dh compressed his hours so is off on the weekday I work and is off on weekends anyway (I work a Saturday). I wouldn't increase my hours though as then we would need childcare then. This gives me a good balance and means I'm not away from toddler more than is acceptable to me. I can keep on top of my household stuff, be present for the kids but still have choices as I'm earning my own money.

but in my experience, envying economic dependence isn’t a widespread view.

And there we go again with the "being a SAHM means you must be economically dependent" argument 😂

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4231478-SAHM-S-are-you-happy-What-is-your-life-like

Goes both ways I'm afraid. This thread in particular was specifically asking for the experiences of SAHMs and yet only 3 posts in we have a working-mum-superior coming in to speak down to all the plebians about SAHMs having boring lives that are nothing but nappies and chores 😂

Tbf though, in the context of this thread, I'm confused as to why OP wanted an echo chamber? The title seems to address working mums specifically but she also makes it clear that shes undecided about the direction she wants to take so I'd be surprised if she didn't see some merit in hearing from people who have done both roles in their lives. I don't really get what's gained from hearing only one specific viewpoint but I could just be missing something?

I became a sahm almost accidentally.... childcare costs and actually just the logistics of getting two kids to childcare and the commute made work really difficult. This was 15 years ago . It's suits me as like I said I never enjoyed work and I love being at home. What a lot of parents now fail to understand or realise is how hard it was pre flexible working and wfh. Back then, dh and I both worked in central London in full time 9-5.30 and 8.30-6 jobs. No WFH. An hour's commute either way and no family support. It was an absolute logistical nightmare.

My ideal is part time. I went back 4 days after mat leave and loved having the day to myself with my toddler, but I'm starting a new job soon and I'm going back up to 5 days. I'm dreading it in some ways - I will really miss the extra day with DS, as well as all the life admin I got done that day, and I'll now have a commute after wfh fully for 4 years. On the other hand, I'm more enthusiastic about the new job, the work I'll be doing etc, so hoping I'll feel more fulfilled in life in general.

I don't know if I could be a full time SAHP, because looking after a toddler is hard. He is so fun, we laugh a lot, he's so interesting and the talking and opinions coming out of him are wild. But right now, my job is much less demanding than full time child care is (new job TBC). If I want to wander into the kitchen and scroll tiktok while the kettle boils, I absolutely can - but I can't when he's here unless it's naptime. So I value the break while working, a chance to not be 'on guard' the whole time, more so than the intellectual stimulation/adult convo that other people like.

i haven’t clicked the link but will take your word for it.

They are also speaking out of context. That thread isn’t about wohm. Challenge it on that threads

You said Tbh this is typical of any thread I see on here on the subject of SAHMs.. Sahms are not the subject. But some decided being themselves into it. And had dogs at the same times

People saying they would find being a sahp boring are talking about themselves. Thats really ok.

Wohm aren’t the subject of that thread. So point it out.

All that proves is some people are dicks.

It’s not about an echo chamber is it.

Threads are allowed to be aimed at one experience. Like when posters ask for a female perspective of building a career or certain industry. And people come and posts about how their husband built their career. It’s irrelevant. And it’s no an echo chamber, it’s just not what’s been discussed.

This thread asked for the input from wohp, they posted how they felt about it for them. They wouldn’t like it. They were talking about themselves. It’s lot about sahp.

The fact that some sahp took it personally is their issue.

Simply stating how you personally felt isn't being horrible to SAHM's. Especially when it is the very question that is asked.

Do people have to lie about how they feel now?

I was bored out of my mind on maternity leave. Me, myself.

That doesn't mean I think SAHM's are boring

It means I was bored and that is it.

To be fair, my exact point was that some comments on both ''sides'' usually cross the line.

I pointed it out because almost always, it is the mean, horrible working mums who are accused of crossing the line when it is absolutely some SAHM's too.

Like I said though, in my experience, this one is actually mild.

It's also true that no one would make the decision to either work or stay at home unless they personally disliked some aspects of the alternative. We rarely make decisions for purely positive reasons.
A SAHM may well feel uncomfortable with the idea of putting their child into institutional daycare from a young age, and think that it's natural for the first 3 years of an infant's life to be primarily with their mother.
Similarly, a working mother may feel uncomfortable with depending financially on their partner, and maintain that staying at home would negatively impact their mental health which would then have negative repercussions for the child.

To an extent, it has to be fine to express why you DON'T want to do the alternative. It doesn't mean it is universally true, but mature adults should be able to cope with other people's negative opinions.