Working mums - would you rather be a SAHM?

[Feelingcrappy2]

Just out of curiosity. I have 2 little ones, very undecided whether or not to go back. Feel lucky that I have the option to stay home but not sure if I want another year of being in this flat!

I love that mumsnetters are always so quick to assume (based on nothing, of course) that all sahms must not have any sort of plan in the event of death, divorce etc Really showing your true colours there. Who in this day in age goes into full time parenthood with zero options for the future?

Maybe I just run in different circles but I know loads of sahms who all have their own skills, trades and high levels of education. This idea that it's somehow impossible for women to reenter the world of work is scaremongering bullshit. Misery really loves company 🙄

Why are you so quick to assume the best in working mothers (blindly assuming that they all have a backup plan on the event of losing their jobs) but simultaneously assume the worst in sahms (that they're all braindead idiots blindly hoping life will never deal them any lemons)? I'm truly interested?

This idea that it's somehow impossible for women to reenter the world of work is scaremongering bullshit. Misery really loves company 🙄

Nobody has used the word impossible have they?
However, any significant break from the labour market will have an impact. That's a fact.
As a qualified careers adviser and researcher specialising in women's career development I can assure you it's not bullshit.

No because I'd be too bored.
I'd also not want to rely on a man for money and handouts. Regardless of what they start like, I've known too many run off with a younger women and the wife sat without income and worse no pension. Yes you can get back into work but depending on how much time you've had out earning potential for most are a lot less and the loss of years pension would really worry me.
I would like to earn so much I could cut my hours though. That would be my ideal

@LeonieSN93 Exactly. I've seen first hand from my poor sister the depression and deep regret that comes with giving almost 30 years of your life to a company only to get made redundant out of the blue and realise that you gave up all those years of enjoying your children, hobbies etc for a company that clearly never gave a shit.

I love that mumsnetters are always so quick to assume (based on nothing, of course) that all sahms must not have any sort of plan in the event of death, divorce etc Really showing your true colours there. Who in this day in age goes into full time parenthood with zero options for the future?

Is that a serious question?!? Who? LOTS of women do. A scary amount actually.

If you're a regular on MN you'll have seen evidence of this 'lack of planning' over and over and over from many women who are SAHMs.

Of course it's not ALL SAHM's. But you only need to read the relationships board for 5 minutes to see example after example of women in awful situations. Abusive oh's and they're stuck, women up shit creek without a paddle when oh fucks off with his secretary and refuses to pay maintenance or wants her and the kids out of his house. He has a solicitor, woman has zero funds to pay for one.

Loads more. Lots of situations would have been far 'less worse' if the woman had her own career and income to fall back on and hadn't been a SAHM for X years.

Before primary school age, yes and I was

Of school going age? No, and I’m not

I've done both for a significant time and there's a whole host of pros and cons with both. There's zero correct answer and it all comes down to what you personally desire and what would work best for your situation.

I will say though that as someone who has worked with the elderly for the past 13 years I can tell you that if you ask them what their biggest regret it is in life, no exaggeration, about 90% of them say something along the lines of "I regret sacrificing time with my children for my career". I've yet to hear anyone express the sentiment of "I wished I'd worked 60hrs per week instead of only 40"

I work 40 hours 5 day weeks

In my ideal world I'd prefer to do 3 days, have 2 days to myself a week when he's at school, and the 2 days together instead of childcare/clubs etc in the hols.

I wouldn't be a SAHM though no... when we have time together on occasion in the school hols it is nice, don't get me wrong, but I do feel like we start to need to do our own thing after about a week.. I always feel I'm the worst mum for that but he seems bored too even if I'm going out every day/visiting others etc!

He really likes telling me about his day and stuff and I do too :) our time really is quality time with the current set up, and only at Xmas do we generally have 10 days in each other's pockets except if we go away on hols

Was a sahm for ten years- you get equal crap with both tbh, people assume that because you’re at home you can run about, you get a lot less help and get told you’re so lucky and ‘but what do you do all day?’ Also no coffee breaks, you’re all broke so no money to get hair done, time away etc. saying that myself and dh are now both constantly close to being fired due to the kids being sick, we argue more and I think we live beyond our means because of my wage, ie we’re not really better off that much

@PinotViogner you do understand working mums still do the majority of parenting their children, are their primary attachment and often work pt or ft shifts so they are still there to do pick up some days. Your attitude is very strange.

I worked part time for a few years. That was perfection. Now I have to work full time and I miss being around for my children more (now teens, but they still need me).

No. Even if I didn't need to do FT, I'd do PT just to get out of the house.

All the women I know work at least part of the day. My mum is long retired but still does voluntary work part of the week. It's normal for us.

Working parents raise their children too.

There are posts on here pretty much daily from women who are stuck in unhappy relationships but can't leave as they have no financial independence.

You still enjoy your children and hobbies whilst working full time. My DT’s are my greatest achievement and although now in their early 20’s we have so many brilliant memories of their childhood. I love running, as does DH and the DT’s so something we did together. Hobbies don’t come to an end with having children - just takes more planning.

I work full time, am a lone parent and enjoy time with my child and have hobbies. We're not all slaves to our jobs.

Nope no way I worked two days a week when mine were small. It was a good balance.

If both partners work full time but he still sees fit to leave all the housework, childcare etc to the wife then that sounds like she's got some dead weight hanging out around that she ought to cut loose. That's not a work/life balance problem, it's a 'you've got a shit husband' problem.

Exactly.

I also work full time, enjoy the time I spend with my child and have hobbies.

Maybe I just run in different circles but I know loads of sahms who all have their own skills, trades and high levels of education. This idea that it's somehow impossible for women to reenter the world of work is scaremongering bullshit. Misery really loves company 🙄

I had a couple of years out of my field following a medical issue. I was extremely qualified in my area, masters degree etc.

took me another 3 years to get a job. I was increasingly out of date in my own field, the longer I was out the worse it got. I would have had to take a step back, which meant 2 year contracts, no job security, and likely frequent relocation/working away.

in the end I took an entry level job in the civil service which didn’t even need a degree. Another 7 years, 2 promotions and I’m just about earning the same salary I was on 20 years ago- I’m now 55 and only have 20 years of pension contributions.

that’s after a couple of years. If you have 10 years out most professions will have moved on- my current job is IT based and the speed it moves you can feel like you’re behind after a two week holiday!

it depends on your field, of course. But even if you are super qualified or skilled, it can be scary how quickly you become outdated. Retraining often isn’t practical with teenagers and associated costs.

it’s not impossible, but it can be tough and it can be very time and money intensive retraining or re qualifying.

Maybe I just run in different circles but I know loads of sahms who all have their own skills, trades and high levels of education

I think this is it - it is highly regional and varies with social circles. I don't know any SAHMs at all, it didn't even really occur to me as an option to leave my job when I had a child because I don't know anyone who has.

This was meant to quote the person/s who have erected the false straw man (The Big Bad Company who a working mother slaves away for 30 years that chucks her to the side)… Except that a career doesn’t need to equate to One Specific Company.

I am a Professor. It doesn’t matter to me if University X doesn’t have a great work environment. There’s always University Y.

Your profession as a scientist, a researcher, a linguist whatever doesn’t mean you are tied to one single employer forever!

Being a SAHM would have destroyed my self worth. Happily where I live it's incredibly rare not to go back to work and childcare is excellent and highly subsidized.

It goes back to the double standards too that are often seen with working fathers vs working mothers.

Working fathers are providers, they work hard at their big, important jobs where they couldn't possibly do any night wakings
Working mothers slave away for 30+ years at a big bad company (which magically doesn't consist of any of those SAHM's husbands, of course)

It's just sexism at the end of the day.

As full time working parents DH and I raised our DT’s. They are our greatest achievement. We used an excellent nursery for working hours. DT’s are now in their early 20’s - had a happy childhood, have great bond with DH and I and have now started their own post grad careers in their chosen field. Have great memories of them growing up whilst DH and I continued to progress in our careers. No regrets of the path we chose.