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Working mums - would you rather be a SAHM?

298 replies

Feelingcrappy2 · 31/12/2023 17:33

Just out of curiosity. I have 2 little ones, very undecided whether or not to go back. Feel lucky that I have the option to stay home but not sure if I want another year of being in this flat!

OP posts:
Trinity69 · 31/12/2023 23:53

Mine are 12 and 14 and I work in a school term time only. Both are ND and I’d love to drop some hours and be here when they get home and have the opportunity to cook decent meals every single day. Might find time to run the hoover round now and again too.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/12/2023 23:53

No because I get a lot from my job, but I’d love to work 2 days a week. I worked 3 days when the kids were pre school and it was great. 2 days would be even better! People do in my work - it’s possible - but we can’t afford it.

Passingthethyme · 01/01/2024 01:39

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 23:51

Not weird question at all - just amazed at the numbers of posters - SAHM but with no or little plans to share the financial burden. I don’t know any SAHM’s - all family and friends have returned to full time work at the end of their maternity leave.

You do realise that if you're a SAHM you're literally raising your children, what could be more important that? You're weird if you don't value that, I hope you don't have children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

CanImakethisbetter · 01/01/2024 03:42

Passingthethyme · 01/01/2024 01:39

You do realise that if you're a SAHM you're literally raising your children, what could be more important that? You're weird if you don't value that, I hope you don't have children.

Wow! You hope that poster doesn’t have children? because they are amazed that people have no plans to share the financial burden in the family and they don’t know any sahm?

Why, exactly, do you hope they don’t have children?

You do realise working parents are in fact raising their children? or Do you consider sahp whose children are in school to not be raising their children?

and how are you defining what’s ’more important’. My company is full of working parents. One of our main roles is to make sure hospitals remain safe and open.

Pretty sure you would want the hospital to be open and safe if your child needed medical help. Then there’s the medical staff. Many of who are parents . If your partner/spouse/ child had a medical emergency where would you rank their job in importance.

If your loved one was very sick in hospital and a load of staff decided staying home with their children was more important, risking your loved one’s health, where in your own personal importance scale would that come?

What’s the most important to someone, personally, is constantly changing. There is no ‘most important’.

and let’s be honest having a sahm is not guarantee of having a good parent. Just like having a working parent is not a guarantee of it. What’s more important is having a good parent that cares for and supports their children. Regardless of employment status.

The poster didn’t say there was no value in being a sahp. Even if they did, surely it only matters if your partner/ spouse and children value it. Why would others need to recognise your own value within your family?

This thread was about working parents and whether they would have preferred to be sahp. It’s not about sahp at all. Yet many have managed to wander in to tell everyone how they love being a sahp. It’s great people enjoy it. Not relevant to the thread though. Then those parents are getting offended because people don’t seem to be reacting the way they want and telling people they hope they don’t have kids?

it makes no sense.

Passingthethyme · 01/01/2024 05:27

The poster implied the SAHP is sitting on their arse all day while the other poor parent has to slave away. SAHP is a job too, you just don't get paid for it (and often appreciated for it either as this poster has made obvious). So yes, it's weird to be amazed that someone might want to be a SAHP to raise their child/ren if they can do so.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 01/01/2024 06:12

Yes, I would chose to be a SAHM or somewhere very close. I think my ideal would be working 1 shift a month (bank), just to keep my hand in the workforce somewhat and then the rest at home.

CharlotteRumpling · 01/01/2024 06:21

No bloody way! And I can afford to be one. But no!

WandaWonder · 01/01/2024 06:41

No because I am a grown up and don't need to be dependent on my husband

Iamasentientoctopus · 01/01/2024 06:57

These posts always descend into madness. I tried to give a balanced view as someone who has been both a working parent and a stay at home parent, that’s all. I do find the absolute vitriol towards stay at home moms really baffling though! No two people’s circumstances are alike OP. It sounds as if you would be happier getting back out there and there’s nothing wrong with that!

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 07:28

I just think quite often sahm see the short term “my salary doesn’t cover childcare”

i wonder if long term we are going to have a real issue with women who have no income, no pension, and are not employable.

marriages fail, pensions are increasingly unaffordable on a single household wage, women are rightly expected to support themselves post divorce. Pensions are not the cushy final salary affairs they once were, and the spousal support aspect will disappear. My mil was on 3k net despite having given up work when her kids were born- a very comfortable retirement. She had state pension, a very small work pension, and her dependent’s share of her husband’s civil service final salary pension.

me on the other hand, won’t get state pension until I’m 68, if I split with dh or he dies/can’t work his pension is contributory so is a finite amount, if I don’t work and have no pension to speak of what happens? If I’ve been out the work place 30 years with kids getting a decent job in my 50’s or 60’s will be almost impossible- what do I live off until state pension kicks in?

if a person wants to be a sahm, they need to find a way to continue with a private pension. If their kids dad can’t comfortably afford his own pension, all family bills, and a decent sipp payment for you as well then you need a financial rethink. Also plan for being a single parent, or alone in old age- death, divorce, critical illness could leave you facing a huge financial crisis.

CanImakethisbetter · 01/01/2024 07:32

Passingthethyme · 01/01/2024 05:27

The poster implied the SAHP is sitting on their arse all day while the other poor parent has to slave away. SAHP is a job too, you just don't get paid for it (and often appreciated for it either as this poster has made obvious). So yes, it's weird to be amazed that someone might want to be a SAHP to raise their child/ren if they can do so.

Where did they imply that and why does that you mean you hope she doesn’t have kids?

Pipsquiggle · 01/01/2024 07:45

I went back to work. Just couldn't stand being a SAHM, mainly the tedious grunt work and not earning money. I like my work and talking to different adults on a daily basis, trying to solve problems. Also getting a decent pension pot.

I am in awe of SAHMs though. Just not something I am cut out for.

ThreeRingCircus · 01/01/2024 07:54

We are fortunate and could afford for me to be a stay at home mum but I have worked three days a week after finishing maternity leave after DD1.

I find three days the perfect balance. When they were younger I had time with them at home and they were with me most of the week but also got the exposure to other children at nursery and had loads of fun there. I also kept my hand in at work and pension contributions going, the opportunity to see and speak to other adults without my children around etc.

Now they're at school I still work three days a week. It means that on my days off I can get all the household jobs done. Shopping, laundry, cleaning, running errands etc and then our weekends are free to enjoy family time without chores. I also get to pick them up from school two days a week and it makes covering the school holidays much easier.

Working part time has been the absolute best choice for me.

HazelWicker · 01/01/2024 08:38

I always liked working for the intellectual stimulation, but I also loved my maternity leave and could have happily spent every day forever more with DD.

However, STBXH had an affair and I kicked him out last spring. If I was a SAHM I'd have felt forced to stay with him I think. But because I've kept up my career I have kicked him out of the family home and am in a position to buy him out of it. I have quite a negative view of men, but am fortunate enough that I can stand on my own two feet with DD and not rely on anybody else. If I had given up my job (or gone very part time) I couldn't have done that. I will never encourage my DD to give up work if she has children, nor for her OH to do so.

TrashedSofa · 01/01/2024 08:48

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 23:51

Not weird question at all - just amazed at the numbers of posters - SAHM but with no or little plans to share the financial burden. I don’t know any SAHM’s - all family and friends have returned to full time work at the end of their maternity leave.

I got it too @LeonieSN93 and I'm part time, never been a SAHP at all! It can't be about sharing the financial burden in that instance, especially as I said nothing to suggest which parent earns more in our house. All quite odd.

PinotViogner · 01/01/2024 09:18

WandaWonder · 01/01/2024 06:41

No because I am a grown up and don't need to be dependent on my husband

Yes better to be dependent on an institution that could checks notes fire you any minute they choose, make you redundant, shut down their business with little notice....

Not to mention that anyone is just one bad accident or illness away from being completely incapable of performing their current job.

Nothing wrong with being a working mother or a sahm but the fact that these threads always without fail descend into bashing women who value parenting their children with patronising what if-isms is laughable.

Nobody should expect that their current situation is forever. Everyone is one event away from their lives changing forever.

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 09:36

PinotViogner · 01/01/2024 09:18

Yes better to be dependent on an institution that could checks notes fire you any minute they choose, make you redundant, shut down their business with little notice....

Not to mention that anyone is just one bad accident or illness away from being completely incapable of performing their current job.

Nothing wrong with being a working mother or a sahm but the fact that these threads always without fail descend into bashing women who value parenting their children with patronising what if-isms is laughable.

Nobody should expect that their current situation is forever. Everyone is one event away from their lives changing forever.

By that logic a sahm is dependent on someone else who is “dependent on an institution that could checks notes fire you any minute they choose, make you redundant, shut down their business with little notice....”

one of the reasons I kept working is the protection against the above. If dh lost his job, got made redundant etc then we still have an income.

as it happened he did have a period where he couldn’t work. I dread to think what might have happened if I couldn’t pick up the financial responsibilities.

on that note it’s also a lot of pressure on one person knowing that if they lose their job, can’t work etc that their family has no income.

everyone has to make the right decision for themselves. But for me, one of us becoming a sahp would only be possible if the other earned enough for 2x pension contributions plus all other expenses, AND we had at least a years cushion against job loss. That’s only really possible if you’re a high earner.

toddlermam · 01/01/2024 10:47

I love being a SAHM. I don't have any interest in working and won't until my 3y/o is 16 at least. He also got funded nursery hours from age 2 so get some peace whilst he's at nursery. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it - do what's best for you. You can always get back into the workforce if you try being a SAHM and it isn't for you

ElaineMBenes · 01/01/2024 11:59

Yes better to be dependent on an institution that could checks notes fire you any minute they choose, make you redundant, shut down their business with little notice....

Not to mention that anyone is just one bad accident or illness away from being completely incapable of performing their current job.

Surely it's more risky if just one of you is in this situation? If only one person is earning the money then that put you i. a far more precarious situation than if it's two people?

I'm fully supportive of people choosing whatever is right for their family but this isn't a compelling argument imo.

ElaineMBenes · 01/01/2024 12:00

You can always get back into the workforce if you try being a SAHM and it isn't for you

It's not always that easy!!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/01/2024 12:10

ElaineMBenes · 01/01/2024 12:00

You can always get back into the workforce if you try being a SAHM and it isn't for you

It's not always that easy!!

I think it is easy if you are in low paid/ relatively unskilled work when you quit to become a SAHP, and if you never really have much of an expectation of going back into anything else. It is also relatively easy in a handful of fields where you're able to pick up pretty much where you left off. However, for many women who have had to work hard to build a career, it isn't quite so straightforward, and the gap in employment will have a lasting impact.

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 12:42

toddlermam · 01/01/2024 10:47

I love being a SAHM. I don't have any interest in working and won't until my 3y/o is 16 at least. He also got funded nursery hours from age 2 so get some peace whilst he's at nursery. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it - do what's best for you. You can always get back into the workforce if you try being a SAHM and it isn't for you

What’s your plan for when he’s older/left home?

do you have a Plan B- as pp have said if your dh loses his job, is unable to work, or you split?

what about retirement/when you’re older? State pension contributions end when your child is 12 so you won’t have your full stamp, and won’t be eligible til 68, if it even exists by then…

I know it seems far off now, but don’t underestimate the value of planning for retirement early.

Comtesse · 01/01/2024 12:51

No thanks - would not like that at all.

toddlermam · 01/01/2024 13:16

What’s your plan for when he’s older/left home?

do you have a Plan B- as pp have said if your dh loses his job, is unable to work, or you split?

what about retirement/when you’re older? State pension contributions end when your child is 12 so you won’t have your full stamp, and won’t be eligible til 68, if it even exists by then…

I know it seems far off now, but don’t underestimate the value of planning for retirement early.

I will be getting carer's allowance until he leaves home, after that - I'm not sure yet.I will doing a speech and language therapy masters degree in a few years once things are (hopefully) better - I already have an undergraduate degree. My son is on high rate DLA for both care and mobility so being a SAHM is just what's best for us all round right now as my little boy had his leg amputated.

Finallybreathe · 01/01/2024 13:28

I don’t have children but I was a housewife for a year. Was really fed up of my job and wanted a career change. DH & I spoke about it and we both agreed to quit my job to have a break and “re-find” myself. It was absolutely fantastic but I did have some low moments wondering if I’d ever find work again and feeling a bit resentful of people cracking on with their careers.

To answer your question, I would do it again but it wouldn’t be forever. I like having my own money.

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