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Original poster

Working mums - would you rather be a SAHM?

298 replies

Feelingcrappy2 · 31/12/2023 17:33

Just out of curiosity. I have 2 little ones, very undecided whether or not to go back. Feel lucky that I have the option to stay home but not sure if I want another year of being in this flat!

OP posts:
timberframe · 31/12/2023 20:59

NO.

Lavender14 · 31/12/2023 21:00

I'd ideally love to work 3 days a week. However went back full time as we'd like another eventually if we're lucky enough and I want a full time wage while I'm on maternity.

Lavender14 · 31/12/2023 21:01

Also I wouldn't like being a full time sahm as I'd want to be paying into a pension and we couldn't afford to do both.

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TrashedSofa · 31/12/2023 21:04

Parker231 · 31/12/2023 20:03

Does your DH also have the luxury of working part time?

Show quote history

He had the luxury of working part time when the DC were younger, then had the luxury of deciding he wanted to take a full time role, and will have the luxury of my full support if he ever decides to drop some hours again. He's rather fortunate that I'm so happy working part time, actually, given that we have an ND child. Otherwise things might not have worked out quite so ideally for him.

Mythnames · 31/12/2023 21:07

in my daydreams, yes (if I was a millionaire and it was all my money) , in reality, no way. I’ve just had a month off between jobs and I’m itching to get back to work. I have two young kids. The reason I wouldn’t want to be, I wouldn’t want to be reliant on DH for all money - we have a great relationship but I am very independent - dunno why I’m like this! In my mind it seems brilliant but in reality I’d get bored and would need something for myself (as I’ve experienced this month). It can be exhausting and a bit of a juggle working with small kids, but I think the benefits outweigh the downsides for me. I have retirement to enjoy not working, child free!

ReTrainTheBrain · 31/12/2023 21:10

No
Though I work part time. If it's a decision between full time work (8-6 out of the house) or sahm, then I'd take sahm while dcs were young.

Original poster
Feelingcrappy2 · 31/12/2023 21:14

So many replies! So interesting to hear everybody’s views on this. I think I was almost looking for reassurance that I wasn’t being unreasonable for wanting to go back 🤣 I love it in many ways don’t get me wrong, but I do get lonely and I can get burnt out often. I do also miss dressing nice for the office, not chucking on the same bloody pairs of leggings and breastmilk stained vests. The biggest thing though is that I HATE not being financially independent. Unfortunately my DP isn’t very giving….. and so my budget makes it worse being home all the time. I also feel the need to justify certain expenditure which I cannot stand. Somebody hit the nail on the head with their comment about being equal in terms of power in their relationship. I do feel because he is working and paying for everything that he always has the final say and seems to think that he deserves the break more. Sorry for the rant.. feeling a bit down tonight! The insta trend over the past couple of days have been reels of people’s 2023 highlights and it’s made me realise that all i’ve really done is spend 70% of my time in parks and softplays and the other 30% watching peppa pig and paw patrol on repeat .. dont judge!!

OP posts:
TrashedSofa · 31/12/2023 21:18

Unfortunately my DP isn’t very giving….. and so my budget makes it worse being home all the time. I also feel the need to justify certain expenditure which I cannot stand. Somebody hit the nail on the head with their comment about being equal in terms of power in their relationship. I do feel because he is working and paying for everything that he always has the final say and seems to think that he deserves the break more

Ok, I think that's your problem. Unfortunately, some of them are like this even when you're working.

VivaVivaa · 31/12/2023 21:18

If DP is indeed a DP and not a DH (especially if he has form for being stingy with money) I wouldn’t even consider being a SAHP. You would be extremely financially vulnerable if you were to split.

TrashedSofa · 31/12/2023 21:19

VivaVivaa · 31/12/2023 21:18

If DP is indeed a DP and not a DH (especially if he has form for being stingy with money) I wouldn’t even consider being a SAHP. You would be extremely financially vulnerable if you were to split.

Absolutely. I don't think you can do anything other than go back, in that situation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 21:22

Feelingcrappy2 · 31/12/2023 21:14

So many replies! So interesting to hear everybody’s views on this. I think I was almost looking for reassurance that I wasn’t being unreasonable for wanting to go back 🤣 I love it in many ways don’t get me wrong, but I do get lonely and I can get burnt out often. I do also miss dressing nice for the office, not chucking on the same bloody pairs of leggings and breastmilk stained vests. The biggest thing though is that I HATE not being financially independent. Unfortunately my DP isn’t very giving….. and so my budget makes it worse being home all the time. I also feel the need to justify certain expenditure which I cannot stand. Somebody hit the nail on the head with their comment about being equal in terms of power in their relationship. I do feel because he is working and paying for everything that he always has the final say and seems to think that he deserves the break more. Sorry for the rant.. feeling a bit down tonight! The insta trend over the past couple of days have been reels of people’s 2023 highlights and it’s made me realise that all i’ve really done is spend 70% of my time in parks and softplays and the other 30% watching peppa pig and paw patrol on repeat .. dont judge!!

Definitely go back. I don't think it's a good idea to be a SAHM in the majority of cases but especially if you aren't married and you feel like the power imbalance is there.

mindutopia · 31/12/2023 21:23

Nope, absolutely not. Mine are school age now. I had a year off when they were born, and I appreciated being part time for a short while when they were toddlers. But no, no desire to give up work to be a SAHP, then or now.

Denimdenimdenim · 31/12/2023 21:26

I see the appeal. But, I'm not so sure I would ever commit to the idea.

gader · 31/12/2023 21:30

Yes I would, and I've been working hard towards financial independence and a passive income so that I can stop work (hopefully next year but definitely by 2025). I think of it as early retirement rather than being a sahm. In my situation I'm not financially vulnerable because I have assets to make me financially secure and not dependent on DH.

My work is OK but there is so much I want to do with my time and places I want to go with my DCs. It just gets in the way of what I really want to do - I don't have the energy/time to do all the things I did outside of work that I did pre-dcs. My dcs will all be in school by then but I want to be able to spend school holidays with them and to have time for me during the school day (am lucky to live in London where I won't be sitting bored and lonely as there is plenty to keep me busy).

Lizzieregina · 31/12/2023 21:30

@Feelingcrappy2 even though I stayed home, finances were shared. I wouldn’t have given up my job if I wasn’t in charge of the money. DH’s whole salary was deposited into our account and I managed it from there.

We funded a retirement plan for me also. I’ve made a lot of investments over the years for both of us.

For the person who wonders if DH would have liked to be a SAHP, I know my DH wouldn’t. He’d have done a crap job and he could earn a lot more than me due to his job offering almost unlimited overtime and great health insurance.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 31/12/2023 21:32

TrashedSofa · 31/12/2023 21:18

Unfortunately my DP isn’t very giving….. and so my budget makes it worse being home all the time. I also feel the need to justify certain expenditure which I cannot stand. Somebody hit the nail on the head with their comment about being equal in terms of power in their relationship. I do feel because he is working and paying for everything that he always has the final say and seems to think that he deserves the break more

Ok, I think that's your problem. Unfortunately, some of them are like this even when you're working.

OK well this is terrible, and quite honestly why did you have children with this man. I'm a SAHM, finances have been joint since we have been married and I can spend whatever I want, whenever I want. Your DH is a dick, SAHP is the hardest job in the world when they are a toddler or under! Let him look after your DC for a week and I'm sure he'll change his mind, there's a reason most parents choose to go back to work.

Notsurehwhattdo · 31/12/2023 21:33

My wife is a SAHM for the past 7 years and has loved raising our two boys. Luckily I earn good money and what's mine is hers. I also WFH 3 days a week and I'm on call for a good bit of it, so we get time to spend together and it's not a whole week of her just interacting with a 3 year old.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 21:33

Yes I'd have loved to be with FS all the time but exH was useless, didn't support us and couldn't manage to hold down a job. It was easier working and getting rid of him.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 21:34

DS not FS

Mammyloveswine · 31/12/2023 21:35

Absolutely not!

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 21:38

Nofilteritwonthelp · 31/12/2023 21:32

OK well this is terrible, and quite honestly why did you have children with this man. I'm a SAHM, finances have been joint since we have been married and I can spend whatever I want, whenever I want. Your DH is a dick, SAHP is the hardest job in the world when they are a toddler or under! Let him look after your DC for a week and I'm sure he'll change his mind, there's a reason most parents choose to go back to work.

Show quote history

there's a reason most parents choose to go back to work.

Most parents go back to work because they have no choice.

MiddleAgedKirin · 31/12/2023 21:44

Yes! I wasn't expecting to love it but I really did. Most of my friends felt differently though.

MeMyselfandCake · 31/12/2023 21:45

Definitely not, they would've driven me mad! I needed to get back to work so I could be more than just a mum.

Allsizes8to14 · 31/12/2023 21:54

Would love to be SAHM! Currently work 0.6 FTE as senior health care professional and am the main earner, also have a 2.5yr DD. I do enjoy my job but to me there is much more value for her if I was with her full time, especially when she’s so little. Anyone with the appropriate qualifications could do my job but she only has one mum 🤷🏼‍♀️ no one else can be that to her. I don’t believe being a SAHM is easy (had 15m maternity leave) but not having to juggle illness, CM runs before and after work etc would make life easier. If finances allowed it I would resign in a heartbeat

Nofilteritwonthelp · 31/12/2023 21:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 21:38

there's a reason most parents choose to go back to work.

Most parents go back to work because they have no choice.

Show quote history

Disagree completely, no one has to put their children in daycare at a very young age. Most (not all) go back to work because it's the easier option, SAHP is relentless.

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