I don’t want to drive this far, please suggest alternatives or do I have to do it

[Violet877]

DH has booked us a holiday for a week abroad and arranged with his mum that she will have our two year old. We go in two months. His mum lives up north and we live down south so he’s booked our flights from Manchester, so he’s told me I need to drive us to his mums. I stupidly agreed as felt I had to. He doesn’t drive.

im a nervous driver and he knows this, and haven’t driven further than outside London. He wants me to drive as we have all of child stuff his mum needs like car seat, pram, and also our stuff to go away for a week. So he doesn’t want to get the train.

Im feeling very nervous about this (on top of guilt of leaving our 2 year old :( ) and pressured, as he’s booked the cheapest flight so many stop overs, plus have to do the journey back and the idea sounds tiring even though I’m sure we will have a lovely holiday once there. Driving will be easiest in terms of carrying all our stuff, and will probably be about 5 hours no traffic, so I assume 8 hours it’s traffic and breaks.

can anyone please make any suggestions of how else I could do it without driving to suggest to him? Or do I just get on with it.

It sounds as if you might need some counseling to think about your relationship. His lack of consideration for you on this holiday is a bit of a red flag. If it’s a one off then maybe sucking it up is the right thing to do, but if you are having to do a lot of sucking it up and do the majority of managing a 2 year old you should perhaps have a rethink. Your DH is insisting on this holiday to meet his needs, but are you ever getting your needs met?

On the driving front - you’re nervous of new places so, as someone else suggested, look at the route in Google street view. Maybe plan a stop for just before you come off the motorway at the far end so you can go over the route again. Use a GPS system that you’re familiar with. If you find paper maps easier to look at, get a car atlas. If your DH is any good at navigating, make sure he has looked at the journey and is prepped to help when you get to the bit you don’t know.

Take plenty of breaks. Be organized for it. A two year old will probably want to run around a bit. I would see when roads are busiest on your route and plan long breaks for those times.

If you have the time and can afford a stop over (at a relative or friends if you have someone who wouldn’t mind you imposing) that could make it better. Even without an overnight, driving halfway to somewhere you can stop for a longer break and do something fun, then do the other half to MiL’s might take the focus off the journey and make it seem less daunting? Pack the car the night before (or have everything ready to go in the hall), set off at 6, stop for a hour hour break at 8, drive on to somewhere for 10 ish. Have a fun day. Wear your toddler out. Have dinner. Then check the route well, back in the car after rush hour has subsided, drive for an hour, short break, recheck route, finish the journey. If you don’t get to MiL’s until late it should mean less traffic in the place you’re least familiar with.

In the end the way to get over being nervous is to prep well and do it, not avoid it. So your plan to get a few journeys in is a good one. Coming back after a brutal indirect flight will likely be harder in some ways, though you’ll be a bit more used to the roads round there. If you can, plan on staying over at MiL’s and take it easy before the drive back, then leave very early before the roads get busy.

I’d have no problems with driving but I’d have a very big problem with someone forcing me into doing something to my detriment, (and to our child’s) just to benefit them!

How does being away from you for a week with someone they barely know, benefit the child? Why can’t you take your toddler with you on holiday?

Nopety, nope. I think you need to stick your foot down and tell him you won’t be bullied into doing something just because he thinks his needs trump everyone else’s.

Also, speaking now as a Grandparent, I’d be wary about looking after a toddler grandchild for a week on our own when the child doesn’t know me that well. If my adult DS suggested this, I’d be asking a lot more questions inc. checking that my DIL was happy with this arrangement. But then my DS adores his 2yr old daughter and there’s no way he’d go away on holiday without her.

Change it to an easier to get to holiday and take your child? I'd find the stress of it all more hassle than it's worth for a child free holiday

How is this (stressful) week's holiday going to solve all the problems in your marriage?

I think you should seriously consider not going. He has given ZERO consideration to you in this. If it wrecks your marriage as you say, then it's on him for being such a twat in the first place and it sounds like you'd be well rid.

Well you've got 5 options really

1. Step outside your comfort zone, challenge yourself, and do the drive.
2. Take the train/coach
3. Don't go
4. Get a taxi
5. Ask a friend to do it

So plenty of choice. I'd just do it personally.

Haven't read the whole thread, but this jumped out at me - @Violet877 if you can't do what GCAdademic, suggests, then your marriage is already in non-survivable mode.

Nothing about what your 'D'H has asked for is ok - a holiday without your 2 year old without taking your feelings into account first? Nope. And that's without all the other things he's dictating to you.

And frankly, if he can't be bothered to learn to drive, then he can pay for a taxi to his mum's and back as an absolute minimum! (Although I do agree the drive would do you good in terms of confidence, but the rest of it doesn't justify this time being the time to do it)

A PP suggested taking the drive over 2 days. It’s a great idea. Cut it into easier chunks. By the time you come back you’ll be so comfortable driving that you can do it in one day.

But you didn't want to go from Manchester.

His plans, his journey. He can drive and relax on the plane.

Where on earth are you going for a week that requires three stopovers?

Northern Motorways are exactly the same as southern ones fgs. As are A roads, Highway Code rules etc.
Allow plenty of time, have a break every 2 hrs. You'll be fine.

Absolutely NO WAY would I go. So many reasons and none of them are to do with the drive.

I knew a woman whose husband used to do crap like this, he would ‘surprise’ her with shite cheap holidays, and leave the children with whoever would take them. She went along with it to keep him happy, always had a terrible time, missed her children, and they split up anyway. He was just looking after himself.

I don’t like the way your husband seems to have forced you into this, as well as expecting you to drive.
Set sat nav ( either in-car or on phone) and make sure it’s set to fastest route.
Motorways are generally easier than A roads, get in a bit of practice in the next few weeks.

If you’re going to be jet lagged on the return journey you stop at MILs for the night or a hotel.

OR
He goes alone, by train to Manchester, and you stay at home with dc and have a peaceful time.

Then he doesn't get to call the shots about you driving.
He books a holiday without consulting you.
He organises it with multiple stopovers.

If he is stressed now, he will be even more stressed about all the stopvers on the journey. Of course he doesn't think it is a big deal because he has manipulated you into an untenable position where yo do all the driving and you will be the one stressing about leaving your toddler for a week. Why didn't he include your child in the holiday?

Your husband sounds selfish and thoughtless.

Please put your foot down now as he will continue to push the boundaries.

I’d be raging if expected to do this by a non driver. And I’m not a nervous driver. It’s tiring to do, and even more so if you are nervous. If you are already pissed off by this it’s likely to be a shit holiday too. Your bloke sounds selfish frankly.

Sorry, what? HE says you are going to drive this far, HE doesn't want to learn to drive . . . where's your agency in all of this?

Look at prices for Megabus, the pram & car seat can go in the compartment under the bus
It is cheaper if you book in advance
There is a Gold Megabus with beds too

And he doesn’t drive because he ‘doesn’t want to’! Well maybe you ‘don’t want to’ drive to his mums..l!

Where are you going for a week that involves so many stopovers?

Does he usually tell you what to do?

Another alternative ?

Take child with you

Change flights to Heathrow, Gatwick or Stanstead which are easier to get to, instead of Manchester ?

This holiday has disaster written all over it. What was the attraction of this specific destination? Is he trying to prove to himself that being a father won't stop him from doing things?

That many flight changes for a week long holiday could go wrong very easily - what happens if you miss a connection? You'll be stressed from the drive, flights and worrying about dc but I suspect he will expect you to be ultra positive and happy so as not to burst his bubble. Nightmare.

OP, have you told him your concerns about the journey, the stopovers, leaving DC for a week etc etc?

Does he respect your views?

I’ve never drive up north before. I know it’s irrational

Your biggest problem when driving up North is skidding on th'cobbles! Seriously, you'll be fine and the drive will do your confidence a world of good.

I'm wondering this too,

This is a good suggestion.

No you don't have to do it. A decision this major and expensive (and relying on you doing a lot of the work!) should have been made jointly, rather than him telling you what you have to do.
Is it his own money for some reason, as you imply, rather than your joint money?
I would not be happy at all with any decision made this way, but particularly one that seems so unnecessarily stressful. A week in the Canaries for example would be much easier and no doubt cheaper- I can't understand his thought processes here at all. Stand up to him, OP!