I don’t want to drive this far, please suggest alternatives or do I have to do it

[Violet877]

DH has booked us a holiday for a week abroad and arranged with his mum that she will have our two year old. We go in two months. His mum lives up north and we live down south so he’s booked our flights from Manchester, so he’s told me I need to drive us to his mums. I stupidly agreed as felt I had to. He doesn’t drive.

im a nervous driver and he knows this, and haven’t driven further than outside London. He wants me to drive as we have all of child stuff his mum needs like car seat, pram, and also our stuff to go away for a week. So he doesn’t want to get the train.

Im feeling very nervous about this (on top of guilt of leaving our 2 year old :( ) and pressured, as he’s booked the cheapest flight so many stop overs, plus have to do the journey back and the idea sounds tiring even though I’m sure we will have a lovely holiday once there. Driving will be easiest in terms of carrying all our stuff, and will probably be about 5 hours no traffic, so I assume 8 hours it’s traffic and breaks.

can anyone please make any suggestions of how else I could do it without driving to suggest to him? Or do I just get on with it.

If you can drive in London, you can drive anywhere!
The drive up to Manchester isn't too bad, all motorways really so it's quite easy.

5 hours of driving is too much. You'd have to stop twice most likely for 30 mins each time for a pee and a coffee especially with DC. That would add another hour on to your trip and that's without any traffic. Depending when you travel you will hit some traffic and there are often speed restrictions on the motorway. My sister lives near Plymouth and went to the Lake district over Xmas. She said it took her 6 1/2 hours to drive with DH and DC but on the way back, a lot of spray from lorries, pouring rain and speed restrictions, including down to one lane in one place due to an accident meant it took her almost 8 hours with a couple of breaks. Her DH did half the driving. You have not got that option. I'd insist on going on the train.

He sounds very entitled and inconsiderate. There is no way I would be going on this holiday which he gave no opportunity to be part of deciding, and leave my two year old. Let him go on his own (including train to airport) and you stay at home with DC or if you like MIL, with her.

I dislike driving for more than about a couple of hours on one journey at a push, so I'd be furious if someone signed me up to do so, especially a non-driver.

You need to sit down and talk to him about the way he's behaving, his behaviour towards you sounds bullying in that he doesn't appear to instigate a conversation before telling you what you are/are not doing.

Your DH also needs to learn to drive, then he can see how he likes the drive up to his DM's.

@Violet877
How are you feeling about it all today?

Much more faff to get everything to the station, onto the train, find a place to stow it where you can see it, get it off the train and to the MIL’s. Then have to get public transport to the airport. And the same palaver on the return journey?

Driving would be much easier, but the whole thing has been very badly thought out by the DH who wants to pretend he doesn’t have a child.

Your husband sounds like a bully.

I ended up having a difficult talk with my DH, but he understands now and we’ve decided to take the hit and cancel for now and go somewhere else later on, a loss potentially on flights by hotel can be cancelled as time. Maybe somewhere with our child or a few days away on our own. Will still go see Mil anyway .

i think I needed to start this thread to realise I wasn’t mad so thanks everyone for your replies!

That's a really good update @Violet877

I hope you get some good plans in place, and that is very encouraging for you going forwards as it suggests you had a decent conversation.

OP, a few thoughts now that you have decided not to go on this occasion.

1. Have you actually taken a hit on the flight? You may be able to amend dates for a fee.
2. Would it be possible when you rebook to take your son to your Mum by train? Perhaps picking up your son after you land and getting the train back. Possibly you would need to involve a taxi part way.

Finally was Manchester departure purely for price reasons? Flight prices are often (l concede not always) cheaper from airports in the South East.

I’d be bloody furious, and I would just point blank refuse. Please take no notice of the predictable replies saying just do it. Anxiety around driving is common and understandable, you’re perfectly entitled to feel however you feel about driving, and not be bullied into doing anything you don’t want to do.
He doesn’t drive because he doesn’t want to? You’re not driving up north because you don’t want to.
I’d cancel quite happily. The stress and tiredness of that journey each side of something meant to be relaxing would make me quite murderous.

OP has updated the holiday is cancelled

That's good to hear @Violet877
I'm glad you got a sensible resolution

Good to go see MIL - you can practice your driving

Did DH see how high handed he'd been, arranging without consulting you?

Good for you, OP. Great outcome.

Good outcome. Well done.

I see you’ve cancelled. I think the drive would be ok but the very complicated itinerary- 4 flights each way? And the fact that your husband insisted on this crazy itinerary and the fact that YOU had to drive is just not on.

we don’t ever book anything without fully consulting the other.

Lots of people have replied and I havent read the thread so Im sure someone will already have said, you have 2 months, do a practice run. If you're going to be a driver in life, then drive, dont be limited to this or that place

However, it doesnt sound as if there was a lot of joint decision making, either about whether to take your daughter, where to leave your daughter (at home or at his mums), where to fly from, how to get to the airport.

Please read the thread, the trip has been cancelled.

Well done @Violet877

Good result OP.

If you want to try again for a less mental trip away just the 2 of you then I’d go stay with MIL for 3 nights, all of you, because she probably wants to see everyone, it breaks up the travelling and it most importantly gives DD a chance to get to know her again whilst you’re still around. Then go somewhere reasonably close for a few nights so there’s no stress about what if DD gets unwell or won’t settle. Also, if you don’t spend money on flights the hotel budget is substantially bigger. We always did this way when DD was little and we lived really far away from family. We’d typically go for a really swish spa hotel with a fine dining restaurant (basically all the things you can’t do with a toddler in tow!) but as close as possible just in case.

Well done for cancelling
Urge your dh to go to gp and get help for his stress and anxiety and desire to get away and "fix" things with madcap schemes
Maybe send him away for couple days to do something active or well being
Life with a 2 year old should not be this hard for him

This!

OP, I'm really glad the trip isn't going ahead - you'd have been a bag of nerves the whole time. I'm glad you've been able to make him see sense and I hope you're feeling relieved now.

you absolutely should be confident in your ability to operate heavy machinery when other people’s lives are at risk, and if you aren’t you can take additional classes to gain some confidence

I am completely confident in my ability to operate a car locally, in complicated town layouts and on A roads.

I don't like motorways so I avoid them.

Easy!

Good decision OP!

Glad things have been settled for the best OP. Sometimes these plans sound doable until you actually come to do them. They turn out to be extremely stressful and not a holiday at all and would have been stressful for your DD and MIL too. It seems you were the most realistic that is why you were apprehensive and not just anxious.