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Original poster

I don’t want to drive this far, please suggest alternatives or do I have to do it

316 replies

Violet877 · 29/12/2023 13:55

DH has booked us a holiday for a week abroad and arranged with his mum that she will have our two year old. We go in two months. His mum lives up north and we live down south so he’s booked our flights from Manchester, so he’s told me I need to drive us to his mums. I stupidly agreed as felt I had to. He doesn’t drive.

im a nervous driver and he knows this, and haven’t driven further than outside London. He wants me to drive as we have all of child stuff his mum needs like car seat, pram, and also our stuff to go away for a week. So he doesn’t want to get the train.

Im feeling very nervous about this (on top of guilt of leaving our 2 year old :( ) and pressured, as he’s booked the cheapest flight so many stop overs, plus have to do the journey back and the idea sounds tiring even though I’m sure we will have a lovely holiday once there. Driving will be easiest in terms of carrying all our stuff, and will probably be about 5 hours no traffic, so I assume 8 hours it’s traffic and breaks.

can anyone please make any suggestions of how else I could do it without driving to suggest to him? Or do I just get on with it.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 29/12/2023 14:35

I have done several of these things separately but I would not do them all at once. I used to do a 7-hour drive with my children quite regularly, but no flights afterwards. I left my two year old for a week but there was no driving involved. I’ve been on holidays with multiple stopovers but didn’t have a long drive when I got home.

I don’t think I would agree to your husband’s suggestion. The specific issue for me would be the long drive at the end of the holiday. Absolutely not.

Nttttt · 29/12/2023 14:38

So I read the post and first thought he was being thoughtful to book a holiday, but to find out he didn’t consult you/MIL doesn’t travel to you so DC probably doesn’t have much of a connection there and also to take into consideration that he’s booked multiple flight transfers just to get out of Europe (this seems so pointless to me unless you’re going for like 2/3 weeks.)

I’m a good driver but I hate driving. I get tired really quickly in the car and have to pull over to every services to get respite. I totally sympathise with you and would feel the same.

Also I don’t think leaving DC for a week is right if you’ve never left them before.

My DP organised a trip for us without asking when I was going into my third trimester (high risk of pre-term!) we couldn’t afford it and just before Xmas. I told him he was ridiculous and that I wouldn’t be going. He had only booked flights which were around £200 and he lost that money. I love him dearly and it came from a good place and I felt so spoiled but I really don’t understand people booking holidays when you have responsibilities without discussing first. He understood although he tried EVERYTHING to make it work, I put my foot down and told him how silly he was.

pinkyredrose · 29/12/2023 14:38

Violet877 · 29/12/2023 14:09

im tempted but I think it would potentially wreck my marriage if I didn’t go, he thinks we really need this. I just wish I didn’t have to go so far, with three stopovers. I’m a bundle of nerves about the whole thing - a long drive, leaving my DC for a week which I haven’t done before, three stopovers, a holiday then Doing the whole thing again on the way back. He hasn’t thought about my wellbeing it feels

Show quote history

THREE stopovers?! Oh HELL NO! That's not a holiday, that's torture!

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Mummyofbananas · 29/12/2023 14:41

I used to be a very nervous driver until I did a few big drives starting with 4 hours then building up to 6 hours and I'm now very confident with driving but you know your limits. I refused a similar drive a few years ago- glasgow to london- when I wasn't confident and I think that was the right decision. Id say no and agree train or even bus.

vixencomet · 29/12/2023 14:42

Having considered all your updates, I wouldn't go OP. I don't blame you for being anxious about the whole thing. I'd actually be livid! There is no way I can leave my 2 year old for that long with someone they don't know too well in a house they aren't familiar with. This doesn't sound like a holiday for you with all the driving involved and I would have a stern word with the husband about checking things with me before finalising plans, especially as it involves me doing things to enable it. Do you work? Perhaps your holiday request has not been approved?

guineverehadgreeneyes · 29/12/2023 14:43

ActuallyChristmas · 29/12/2023 14:26

Taxi?? We once did this this to Lake District because of strikes

Have you any idea how much that would cost?

clara778 · 29/12/2023 14:43

I would take the train...every time! driving is tiring, especially when you don't like it and don't do long journeys. Get a fast train, sit back and relax. Bloody hell they are so cheap if you book in advance.

Strap the car seat to the buggy, or spend a bit of cash and buy one for MIL. (a basic one will be fine for a short trip) Two cases, two adults, easy peasy. Basically once you are on the train, your stuff will be in the luggage section. Your child will prefer the train.

Go the day before, so you can settle child.

Tough shit if he doesn't like it!! He's not willing to drive and marriage is about compromise, you are compromising, three stop overs 😢 leaving the baby.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 29/12/2023 14:43

If your partner is not prepared to learn to drive, himself, I don't think he has any right to expect you, as a nervous driver, to drive long distance on an unfamiliar route.

AyrshireTryer · 29/12/2023 14:45

Book a few refresher lessons to help you gain some more confidence.
Think of what you could do with more confidence and less fear.
Go you!

PuffyShirt · 29/12/2023 14:46

The three stopovers and leaving my small child would be a dealbreaker for me.

If you really must go, plan your journey, use the sat nav and schedule breaks every couple of hours. And insist he learns to drive - why hasn’t he?

Ilikewinter · 29/12/2023 14:47

Firstly, where are you driving from and to ie is it striaght up the M1 ?.

Second, where the heck are you going that requires 3 stop overs? - going for a week that would even tip me over the edge.

Thirdly, can you travel half way and stop over, same on way back to break up the journey?

tadpolelove · 29/12/2023 14:47

Why don't you drive up in the evening, that way the roads are quieter. Sleep at mil then get up and go airport.

Mylovelygreendress · 29/12/2023 14:49

Where are you going that requires so many stop overs ? If you are only going for a week , you will spend most of your time travelling . What happens if there are delays ?
Frankly , I would refuse to go.

Pifful · 29/12/2023 14:50

City driving is very different to motorway. Much slower, more time to think.
A practice would help.
To be honest holidays are stressful enough without all that travel.
I would definitely aim to stay over at your mums the night you drive up. That will help you settle the toddler. Coming back I'd suggest he takes the toddler back by train and you have a night at mums before driving back.

I hate to say this but I wouldn't be optimistic about things getting better with a man who does this. I would have said no to leaving a 2 year old and no to a 5 hour drive to an airport. You could have flown from London to the Canaries for a week the three of you and had a nice relaxing break.

Gettingcolder · 29/12/2023 14:55

The drive wouldn't bother me, but three stop-overs for a week's holiday is crazy and on the way back, if you add in jet lag, I wouldn't be fit to drive! For that reason, I would be refusing.

clara778 · 29/12/2023 14:55

What area of Manchester is Mum? Trains into the airport are so easy, if you can give an idea where she is, we can you give you the solution, which you will then present as the plan.

Mirabai · 29/12/2023 14:57

Violet877 · 29/12/2023 14:09

im tempted but I think it would potentially wreck my marriage if I didn’t go, he thinks we really need this. I just wish I didn’t have to go so far, with three stopovers. I’m a bundle of nerves about the whole thing - a long drive, leaving my DC for a week which I haven’t done before, three stopovers, a holiday then Doing the whole thing again on the way back. He hasn’t thought about my wellbeing it feels

Show quote history

Surely booking a holiday you haven’t asked for, ditching your 2 year old, including stopovers you can’t face and a long car journey he has committed to without your consent - could potentially wreck your marriage? Because it’s such a stupid selfish self-centered thing to do that you would rightly be contemplating if you wanted to continue marriage with such an arse. Right?

Apparently not. Apparently rather than considering his contribution to this clusterfuck you’re just anxious that if you don’t go along with it it could impact the relationship. Well maybe it should? Maybe you should rethink the whole thing? Maybe this is a neon sign that you’re married to a selfish arse who thinks of nothing but himself - not you, not his mum, not your kid.

He is the only one for whom this plan is not a major pia.

Mirabai · 29/12/2023 14:59

PuffyShirt · 29/12/2023 14:46

The three stopovers and leaving my small child would be a dealbreaker for me.

If you really must go, plan your journey, use the sat nav and schedule breaks every couple of hours. And insist he learns to drive - why hasn’t he?

Just say no OP. Say: this is a crap plan on all fronts and the only person to benefit is you.

If he goes alone and you stay behind and look after your kid that basically kills all birds with one stone. If it kills the marriage too that is actually a win.

Soapboxqueen · 29/12/2023 15:01

I think OP you know you can do the drive. It's just you know you'll hate it the whole time. Worry about it beforehand and during the actual holiday for the return drive.

On top of that the worry about your DD being away from you (assuming as well that the distance to MIL means she hasn't spent much time with her before) and the number of stop overs for the flights.

I just wouldn't go.

Tell him if he needs it then to go by himself. What you need is to not go.

kitsuneghost · 29/12/2023 15:03

So you are going from London to up north to get your mum and driving back to Manchester?

Can she not get a train to Manchester from up north and you get a train (or flight) from London to Manchester?

HeddaGarbled · 29/12/2023 15:04

Sabotage the car?

clara778 · 29/12/2023 15:08

I don't think OP is going to refuse to go people, what she needs is an alternative travel plan.

I was married to a similar man and it took a decade before I could stand up to him, OP's not in the zone.

She might manage "I've booked train/ this is what we are doing".
It's very hard to be married to someone so inconsiderate. Especially when you have a small child. Much easier to say, the train is 2.5 hours connection 20 mins, mums meeting us...etc etc.

GeorgeA12 · 29/12/2023 15:09

does your car have cruise control? this will make things much easier for you. if it has and you dont know how to use it then have a practice.

Persipan · 29/12/2023 15:10

guineverehadgreeneyes · 29/12/2023 14:43

Have you any idea how much that would cost?

Show quote history

Realistically I doubt the train is much cheaper.

clara778 · 29/12/2023 15:14

I just randomly googled a return train in two months time. £66.50.

Absolutely no way a taxi would be cheaper!! petrol would cost more.