I don’t want to drive this far, please suggest alternatives or do I have to do it

[Violet877]

DH has booked us a holiday for a week abroad and arranged with his mum that she will have our two year old. We go in two months. His mum lives up north and we live down south so he’s booked our flights from Manchester, so he’s told me I need to drive us to his mums. I stupidly agreed as felt I had to. He doesn’t drive.

im a nervous driver and he knows this, and haven’t driven further than outside London. He wants me to drive as we have all of child stuff his mum needs like car seat, pram, and also our stuff to go away for a week. So he doesn’t want to get the train.

Im feeling very nervous about this (on top of guilt of leaving our 2 year old :( ) and pressured, as he’s booked the cheapest flight so many stop overs, plus have to do the journey back and the idea sounds tiring even though I’m sure we will have a lovely holiday once there. Driving will be easiest in terms of carrying all our stuff, and will probably be about 5 hours no traffic, so I assume 8 hours it’s traffic and breaks.

can anyone please make any suggestions of how else I could do it without driving to suggest to him? Or do I just get on with it.

Three stopovers for a week long holiday??? Where are you going? By the time you get there you'll have time for one margarita and then back to the airport! 😂 what a clown!

See if yI’m u can contact wherever he booked the holiday/flights and if you can change them to somewhere less challenging to get to. I wouldn’t do three stop overs for a flight.

Age doesn't give you the legal right to drive....?

My DH doesn't drive either. When he had time it cost too much and now we can afford it, he doesn't have time, especially with driving instructors still in demand from lockdown times.

He doesn't make me drive anywhere though.

I haven’t really got any patience for nervous drivers, you can either drive or you can’t. If you’re not safe you shouldn’t be on the road at all

Ridiculous comment. Driving around London/city driving may be scary for some people, but much easier (for me) than dealing with motorways. People go much faster, to state the obvious.

People can be perfectly competent drivers in every way- it doesn't mean you have to like doing long journeys, and the M6 is probably the worst of all. The Toll road is good but only goes so far and then you have two solid lanes of lorries all the way to the Manchester turn-offs.

OP I'd insist on getting the train. Or take your child with you, you will be worrying the whole time as it is.

What about you OP and what you need?

I wouldn't be leaving my 2 year old for this. I honestly wouldn't. IT's not just the driving.

Are you happy to leave a 2 year old that long and go overseas? It's totally fine if you are, but if you aren't, that is valid.

He can't make you go somewhere because he "needs" to.

You sound frightened of his reaction if you refuse. Would he blow up/ guilt you/ get nasty? You need to be able to say what you need too without being treated badly.

Yes of course he thinks it's doable because he doesn't drive and does not realise how difficult driving is when you are nervous and not that experienced.

He needs to take a friend instead.

I am used to that drive but no way what I want those flights and all the hassle etc.

Your husband seems like a selfish idiot.

If this is true then he's a grade A twat. You don't need to leave your toddler to have a holiday. Don't go on the holiday then you won't have to drive your toddler.
He's a knob in every area of life isn't he.....

If that’s a good enough reason for him to give re driving then that’s a good enough response to his requests at a cross country taxi service.

You tell him ‘no’. He knows how you feel. It’s not going to miraculously change. Tell him to find a cab service, or convince his Mother to stay at yours or take someone else.

Another work around would be to order the bigger toddler things straight to your MiL’s and take the train with your luggage to Manchester.

You could drive A Roads all the way North however it would prolong your agony(!)

I would tell him to rethink this as at the moment it is not tenable. You say your marriage needs this (I think I saw that, if I’m wrong then ignore) however the pressure and stress and lack of interest in your needs and welfare scream that a weeks break won’t be the tonic here

So this dictator wants a fancy long haul holiday on the cheap and you're expected to fall into line?

Why is this whole thing an exercise of what he thinks he wants and needs op? Has he stopped to ask you what yours are?

I bet overconfident drivers cause more accidents than nervous ones.
Luckily your patience or lack thereof is not a determining factor in who is permitted to drive.
You sound like one of those "I tell it like it is, me" people.

I'd tell him to go on the holiday and take his mother.

So... this is him continuing not to adjust, and you're having to do all the running around to try to accommodate that. He's attempting to go on the sort of holiday that you go on when you don't have a 2yo, and hand-waving away all the practicalities arising from the fact that you do, in fact, have a 2yo. And his desire to escape to a magical child-free paradise is apparently so strong that he's also completely ignoring you. He needs, in short, to grow the fuck up.

Exactly. And what about his child's needs as well?

As a PP said the child probably hardly even knows the grandmother.

Your DH is a selfish idiot!
All this for what will be a few days to relax! Not much of a holiday for you is it?!
You could practice going on the motorway one junction and back to gain confidence but that's not really the point
Can I ask where you're going?
3 stopovers implies a huge distance
A few days in Europe I could understand
How dare he give you an ultimatum
Holiday or end marriage
This " holiday" will put stress on your marriage anyway
Show him the drive on Google maps
As a non driver he probably hasn't a clue how much he's expecting of you

London driving is so different - lucky if you go over 20mph.

take the train OP, though this holiday sounds like that episode of Black Books, I'd not go.

Taxi?? We once did this this to Lake District because of strikes

Can your parents or family not have your DC?

Then change the flights to closer?

If not then I think you’ll be fine with the driving and it is a lot easier than getting public transport.

My advice would be to leave very early like 3am or very late because the roads are so quiet and it’s easier to switch lanes and stuff.

I would look on google maps before you go so you have a rough idea and then it’s on him to hold the sat nav and tell you clearly where you need to go.

This doesn’t need to be stressful.
He’s booked a nice holiday and had sorted childcare etc, so all you have to do is the driving which I think you can manage if he helps you with directions etc.

I think people who have always driven on motorways have no idea how daunting they are if you're not used to them.

I learnt to drive in London too, then almost immediately moved to the rural South West, far from any motorway, and although I can reverse at speed up a 6ft wide lane and round a corner to let a massive tractor past with an inches clearance, or navigate the full on craziness of Piccadilly without turning a hair, carving up taxis like a pro, it took me years to get comfortable with the idea of accelerating to join a motorway. Or not to start shaking when I'm overtaking a lorry at 80mph and some cunt in an Audi starts tailgating me and trying to force me back into the slow lane, currently full of lorry.

I'd suggest nobody mock unless they're sure they can do the two former things without a qualm 🙄

You feel it would be detrimental to your marriage if you don't go?

More detrimental than the way he already treats you & forcing you to holiday without your daughter?

Did he want kids?

I mean 2 yrs in & he's still struggling with it all?

Is he very selfish/immature/both?

It's not about the distance, it's about the fact you have to drive that with a toddler. Many people here greatly underestimate the difficulties of driving with a 2 year old.

If you time it right, you can get 2 hours of sleep during her nap time but that still leaves at least 3 hours wake window. Realistically, you might only get 1 hour sleep with 4 hours wake during the trip or even more if there's traffic. If she's fed up of the car she might end up screaming for hours without stopping. She might end up getting sick. She might refuse to sleep if she's not used to the car seat or if the car isn't moving much in traffic. If you're an inexperienced or tired driver then you need to genuinely reconsider whether that situation is too hazardous to warrant the trip.

I consider myself an experienced driver as I do 2.5hr motorway drives almost weekly since DD was born. However driving with her between 2-3yrs literally brought me to tears on many occasions. In the end I had to research kids attractions along the way so we could break up the journey with several hours of activities otherwise the screaming inside the car was unbearable. Things get much better after 3 as you can entertain them with music/audiobooks or just talking. But 2 is hell.

With regards the driving I'd say you'll be fine and get on with it. But that's because I was a nervous motorway driver who got over it with no choice but to travel them!

But the rest. I'm really concerned for you that you feel pressurised into doing something you don't want in order to save a marriage that a father is struggling with because he's become a father.

Also "he" could only afford those flights? It's family money. That money should be spent equally on things you both agree on and that don't require you to leave behind a child you don't want to leave behind and travel a long journey two ways you don't want to travel.

If you having to go against everything that makes you feel comfortable saves your marriage I'd be asking if it's worth saving