Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

Thanks for the correction @beetr00 😊

I am in my sixties and live alone. It is blissful. When I come into the house it is as I left it. I make my supper calmly and read a book at the table.
If I feel lonely it is because I am alone and I arrange to see a friend. Loneliness while married is far worse.
Although my pension is quite modest, it is enough so that I have three or four hundred a month that I can put away for an emergency/holiday/help out a daughter. I control every aspect of my life and no one interferes or sabotages it.
Please do not be afraid to be on your own. Yes it’s a big task to separate, but all you can do is one step at a time until you have done enough steps and it’s done.
When you get to your destination it will be worth the road travelled. A hundred time over.

Think of his behaviour towards you as a shit sandwich, he treats you like shit but he’s clever enough to realise he has to at least pretend to be sorry, hence the treats and being nice…don’t be fooled, he can’t keep the pretence up for long, he’ll slip back into the shitty behaviour. Realises he’s gone too far again and starts being nice again. And repeat.
Stay strong Shirley.

I guess at the very least I can say that the relationship is unhappy and he would be happier on his own. That way I think he'll accept it

Even in the better times, I feel he is still calling all the shots and likes to let me down at short notice. I like to plan my days a bit and am finding between him, the food etc and the adult children calling the shots on when they come here it's too much and I'm just feeling like a servant. I've fed back to eldest son as he's coming back and I've tried to lay firm expectations/ boundaries down.
Shirley

Thank you for the encouragement. I'd like to be controlling every aspect of my life. Just the thought of having a serene safe space. Inspiring to hear :)

No. Say nothing at all now and when you are ready to go don't 'tell' him he would be happier apart. Because he won't be and he knows it. Torturing you emotionally makes him happy. Why would he be 'happier' without his favourite victim?

If you are worried about violence or aggression at the point of your leaving, you'll need to do a 'midnight/day flit' and plan accordingly. You may have to 'travel lighter' than you would choose to do just to get out of the house safely. If you truly fear him then it would be best to speak to the police and see if there is any help they can give you in getting away.

My BFF did a midday flit with me, 2 teen boys, 2 cars and a pickup. We got her & her toddler son cleared out in 4 hours. She left things behind that she never saw again but she got out with all she truly needed and most of what she wanted. She said it was amazing what you knew you could do without when you were fleeing abuse and the clock was running! We threw things in bin bags and pillow cases, carted full dresser drawers (rather than emptying them), and threw the entire contents of closets, hangers and all, in the back of our cars. The only things that were actually boxed up were breakables. Things got dumped willy nilly at her new tiny cottage until we were done. I think it took her 10 days or so to sort everything out! But she was out and he had no idea where she was living.

Otherwise, when the time comes, you simply say "I am unhappy and I am leaving you" as you walk out the door. Trying to convince him that he'll be happier simply sets up another argument/attack and won't change his reaction one bit.

I agree with the poster above.

Don't say anything at all to him until you've got all your ducks in a row (documents and seen a solicitor and know your rights and the divorce process).

The fact is he is not unhappy in the marriage because he's creating the unhappy dynamic. It suits him. He likes it.

He enjoys doing nothing whilst belittling your efforts (to distract from the fact he is a lazy bugger).

He won't be better off without you because he knows he would have to do the things you do.

The most likely reaction to you leaving will be to belittle you again "you can't live without me" and "you're useless". When you hold your ground he'll then alternate between being nasty as hell and then promising to change and love bombing you just to keep you off balance.

That's why you need a plan to hold onto and promise yourself he won't distract you from it.

My mother's friend left a similar marriage in her mid fifties. She's absolutely been living her best life since. A lovely (albeit smaller home) filled with her favourite things (rather than her ex's hobby clutter - model trains).

She has a great circle of friends, a good social life and zero regrets (other than she didn't leave him sooner). Says she has no intention of living with a man again (though she is now in a loving relationship).

She has a great relationship with her children who can see her ex for what he is now he is devoid of her papering over the cracks/making an effort on his behalf.

He on the other hand is a lonely old miserable sod. Turns on the charm to meet a new partner but can't keep up the pretence and has been dumped multiple times yet can't grasp why and has a distant relationship with his kids because he expects them to fill the void their mother left and treats them as he did her (according to my DF who sees him occasionally at social events).

I agree with the previous 2 posters. You will not get his “consent” to your leaving, you will not be able to avert his wrath (or your guilt) by clever words or gestures. This man is awful and he will go on the attack—interspersed with moaning, weeping, pleading, insulting etc… because thats who he is. Run away. Give as little notice as you can or just after you go. Don’t pretend to soften it for him. You are terminating the marriage contract. Thats it. You are doing it unilaterally. That’s all he needs to know. All the bargaining and negotiating and chances already happened snd are done. Now you are leaving. Finito!

So tonight it was NYE - I could see he was trying to put his arm round me / be attentive !!! I mean is he just very emotionally inept??

Well…yes? He is not attuned to you snd he’s not interested in you and your feelings. He didn’t want to be bothered to gift you for Christmas so he didn’t. He didn’t like being embarrassed by your point ing out how indifferent he was so he insulted you. And now he prefers not to think about any of that do he is putting his arm around you and perhaps chancing his luck.

I think he's trying to make up / apologise without saying sorry. This could be the abuse cycle or could be that he thinks if he treats me nicely he'll show he's sorry. But even if it's the latter it's not enough and it's not good enough. He doesn't communicate well onan emotional level but then it's hard for everyone isn't it ? I find it hard too but there are ways of making it easier.

Oh OP, I was getting a tight chest just reading your description of living with your H, and I am so relieved you are resolved to be free of him.

He has been so cruel. Accusing you of not caring for your Mum 😢.

You can’t make him change, and the effort or grinding pressure of hoping he will change will drag you down further and further.

Knowledge is power, and power is liberating and energising.

So I agree with everyone saying quietly get legal advice and start positioning yourself. Build a savings pot in a sole account so that you have an immediate sum at the ready. He is an abusive selfish controlling man and will do all in his power to make it hard for you so pre-empt his every possible move. He will empty or block your joint accounts. He will refuse to leave the house. Tell you no one else will have you blah blah.

OP: HAPPIER NEW YEAR!

Not actually saying sorry is not taking responsibility. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

His behaviour is a form of gaslighting. 'See I'm being nice now, so just forget about it all and stop being silly'.

Just remember, as he's chosing to be nice now, just as he chose to be nasty to you at Christmas. His behaviour is a conscious choice. One he can control....if he wants to. Keep that in mind.

Regardless, you are not happy, you haven't been happy for a long time. Its okay to say that you're not happy and you want more from your life.

I can't forgive the comment about my mother.

It was a despicable comment and many would find what he said a disgrace. He did it on purpose to hurt you, after, knowingly, putting you in a position where visiting your mother was impossible - absolutely his responsibility to take, although he won't accept this at all.

Please don't think he'll get better - he doesn't sound like he cares how he comes across - he just wants to control what you do for his own sake. I hope you manage to get away from him. Don't share information with him - he will twist what you say and do against you. Instead, continue to take good advice here and with your family law solicitor plus anyone really trusted in real life amongst friends and family. Focus on and make your arrangements as discreetly and as quickly as you can to get away from him with as much to your advantage (funds, equity) as possible. 🌹

Thank you Newestname002 wise words.
Two things today
He got angry when discussing eldest ds staying while between flats. And about taking youngest ds to train apparently I didn't take him up early enough in his offer to drive so then too late and I had to do it.
Now he's just told me he has a weeks leave for his 60th 'perhaps we can go somewhere.'

Just say “oh, no, I don’t think I have time for a vacation” and just don’t go. Don’t accept any gifts or offers at all. He is used to dangling tokens in front of you. Just exclude him from your plans, be indifferent to his offers. These are all just ways of controlling you but they only work if you accept them. Treat them like mail that has come to the wrong house. “Oh this is not mine. I will return to sender.”

@reflecting2023

I think he's trying to make up / apologise without saying sorry. This could be the abuse cycle or could be that he thinks if he treats me nicely he'll show he's sorry. But even if it's the latter it's not enough and it's not good enough. He doesn't communicate well onan emotional level but then it's hard for everyone isn't it ? I find it hard too but there are ways of making it easier.

I don't think he's trying to do or say anything. He's simply used to you accepting everything he says without argument or complaint. That's why he says one thing then contradicts himself or promises one thing then reneges. In the past, he 'got away with it' and he can't see that you have opened your eyes.

Bottom line, you need to stop imputing a 'motive' to things he says or does. He says ugly things because he's ugly inside. He demands things because he's demanding. He tries to manipulate you because he's manipulative. Just take what he says and formulate your own reaction/response to it without considering his motive. He says something vaguely apologetic? You know he never apologizes, so discount it. He suggests you go away together? You know you'll have a miserable time, so find a way to avoid it.

Listen, dealing with his shit has taken a lot of your emotional headspace. Now that you're waking up, you need to take back that headspace. It will take concerted effort but you can do it.

He's just playing games. Trying to manipulate you. Stay firm!

Its just part of putting you back in your box.

If he says it again, just say 'Hmmm...maybe. We'll see...'.

Non committal, not positive, not negative. Just a holding answer while you get your ducks in a row.

@reflecting2023 I got to the point that did not even like him anymore - let alone love him.. His type of love was not the kind of love I wanted.
Its hard coz they think as they have yelled and screamed that they feel better and they go back to normal while you are still shellshocked from the verbal attack and are reliving all the nasty cruel things they said....

Even now two years after I left - he still tries to be mean - cant help himself. its who is his - difference is I do not have to live with it and can just block and ignore.....

@reflecting2023 Took me three years from the worst attack to actually leaving - greyrocked him as much as possible while I got myself into a position to leave with the kids and rent somewhere on my own and file for divorce

Wow a prize manipulator.

He doesn’t think you will ever leave.

I would start digging out the paperwork to take to solicitor later this week.

You know he will never change. I am so sorry for you. You sound lovely and deserve so much better.

Yes this. And use the time he's away - without you - to push ahead with your plans.

Don't forget to clear your browsing history immediately after each session and/or use the private/encrypted browsing on your computer. Set the timer on your smartphone to the least amount if minutes so it reverts back to needing your access code in case you forget and leave your device lying around.

Change your access codes to your devices (and add facial recognition if that's an option) and change the passwords to your bank sole/private accounts. 🌹