Nasty behaviour, Spoilt Christmas what next?

[reflecting2023]

I've NC but if anyone would like to know my usual name pls msg me.
Very sad and sort of confused.

I did all the preparation for Christmas in the house and presents for me DH and three adult children and two GC and one child's partner. It took a while as I also work but spent the pre Xmas week of AL doing just that.
The Friday I cleaned and sorted and tidied ( we have too much stuff) and when H came home to a v clean house he was unhappy with a couple of open windows and some things I'd moved around ( his hat and plates from a dresser that was unstable and nearly fell on me) . Had a huge go at me, was also being incredibly domineering and over the top. We were going out for dinner and I think he would have cancelled as he often does but for the fact he doesn't cook and it was local but he was having a go at me the entire way there - watch the mud, don't run anyone over, park on the road etc etc. I told him not to bully and control me. thankfully once there the ambience was nice and I got chatting to others and the tension broke.
Christmas weekend lots going on - the adult children can be quite needy too - my eldest moody and tired, daughter can't help as two yr old super busy and she can be a bit rude , others ok.
I had thoughtful presents for everyone and though I don't really care that much about presents had a nice bath stuff from thoughtful youngest , unwrapped candle holder from Dd and eldest son didn't give anything until Boxing Day as he was so tired. DH had a few little bits but not much for me and said a brief oh ok for my presents.
All weekend he put me down , treated me basically like cr*p and a servant, deliberately not responding if I asked something, or gas lighting about things, blaming me for anything slightly going wrong or just being plain mean. No real reason for any of this except he can't cope with stress or Xmas and gets angry if things aren't just so. I appear to be his fall guy. We were supposed to go out Xmas Eve but he decided not to as it was raining and I just ended up prepping all the veg etc with youngest while H watched TV!
I feel so unappreciated and so despondent wrt his treatment of me and also feel the adult children could have made a lot more effort to be present and ask people how they were etc instead of just taking and being self centred.
Today H blamed me for something again which was untrue and I said he is bullying and controlling me which I found a shame as we had got on better lately and had been away together. His response was I don't get it and apparently my family never liked each other ( we did!) and don't know how to be like a close family like his! I said we are his family and he is an adult who should be supporting me when things need doing in the house not treating me as a servant and bullying me to stay in control.
I'm feeling low and need some space but any comments welcome. Obviously hard without posting everything which would be way too much. TIA

Thank you all. I'm feeling slightly 😭 and slightly on edge most likely because I'm feeling a bit guilty and he's being normal ( but somehow still not that nice, I mean he's still not really listening to me or caring ). He also has still got a bit of an edge today. He's blaming me for saying to eldest ds he can stay temporarily and saying it will be all my fault if the house is messy, they don't lock the house up, don't find a rental etc. it's just feels like pressure. Also youngest ds leaving tomorrow so am a bit sad anyway. And back to work which is usually a good distraction though. I usually feel happy in work.

@reflecting2023

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Nothing he says is worth listening to. Put imaginary fingers in your ears and think 'lalalalalalalala'. He says what he says to put you down and upset you. Don't let him.

And you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about!

This is my first day off. Have sent an enquiry E mail to the solicitor. Feeling a little anxious as all ' normal' now and feeling I've gone behind his back. And don't yet know the timeline in my own mind !!

Just keep repeating what he said about Ur mum. He is a bully. You have told him he is a bully. He has not only NOT changed his behaviour, he has ridiculed your feelings. Can you imagine this treatment for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!? Even worse when he retires!!!!!!!!!!!! You MUST keep it secret to carve out the best possible future for yourself. C'mon Shirley, stay strong!

I know !! 😭😔
He's making an effort now but no he didn't apologise when I asked and it could happen again. I know

I will be Shirley. I am strong.

Thankyou. Looking though the earlier part of my thread. Following the adult children leaving I did post a message on the family chat saying it had been a fair bit of work and my Dd said she had enjoyed and will help more next year. Ds who was still home made a point of saying how much he liked several of his presents. Ds who was moody has just been back to stay and cooked for us and said he had been ill and appeared to make more effort. I think it's important for me to be clear about my expectations and put boundaries in place.

I'm not sure I can follow through with this alone

Can you put your finger on why you feel that way? What are you afraid of/worried about?

And you don't have to be alone. Can you think of even one friend or relative who you trust to keep your confidence who can provide emotional support? Contact WA or other organizations, they'll provide you with support. And of course, we're here.

If what you're saying is that you want someone to hold your hand and 'walk you through' separating/divorce making all your decisions for you, no that isn't really realistic and not likely to happen. Each of us has had to screw what little courage we had at the time to the sticking point and make that first move. You'll have to do that too, if you want to be free and live in peace. But it is so worth it and you come out so much stronger in the end.

Remember the wise words of Christopher Robin: “Always remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

You have to fight for yourself or this old bastard will destroy you. Simple as that. You can stay in the relationship for financial reasons but you’d better wise up and decide to make his life a living hell if he crosses you. He treats you like shit because you let him. Break some crockery! Spend his money. Sell his crap antiques! When he tells you you are a crazy bitch agree with him. Be the bigger bitch.

If you can’t manage that then just run away. You can be queen of his little dung hill or queen of your own domain. Bit whatever you decide to do stop accepting second class status.

You won't be alone. You will have a solicitor telling you what you need to do.

If you have the resolve, you'll find the strength. You are stronger than you think.

You'll eat that elephant - one bite at a time.

It will be so worth it!!

It won’t be easy op but the end result will be happiness and freedom. You have been ground down over the years and you deserve better.

Acrossthepond
I have made some decisions and prep on my day off yesterday:

• I called a solicitor company but they phoned and left a voicemail instead of e mailed- an appt is £150. I missed the first call and phoned back to find it was a switchboard and not a company in my area as I'd thought. So they then said to call back as at lunch - there was a further call from them no message but my phone wasn't on me. I think today I will go for a company specifically in the town where I work, ie not too close to home.
• I have joined a new social group in my area and went to a coffee morning in a local pub with them
• I have decided to uo my hours back to full time after going part time after a health issue last year.
• I have told my eldest son I wasn't happy and he has cooked for us and participated - they are going to be living here temporarily
• I contacted my previous therapist , she is on leave but have accessed three free sessions through my job starts 20/1

I feel I am struggling with resolve as he is now being nice/ normal. It's easier when I am angry and upset. The reason is I feel I don't want to upset everyone , my youngest is a student still needing financial support etc.
I had discussed with a close friend previously but Zi felt she wasn't really taking it seriously and his behaviour was disapproved of but not thought to be abusive and I got confused. She asked to meet yesterday but I feel I want to keep this very close to my chest as other people including the adult children minimise it, yet of course I do need some support to stand up to him as he is very strong willed and I think of everyone else.

Noted and understood. Lol at crap antiques. I'm guessing when I start sorting and we declutter each room most things will turn out to be his.
Second class status yes that stings. In most ways I am in charge yet I know what you mean, if he starts having a tantrum or going on about doing things a certain way- behaviour I thought had finished last year, I am left waiting for apologies and looking and feeling hurt and stupid.

Hi I’ve been following your post but not commented as my views seem to differ from the majority. I think it’s all gone a bit too far too soon if I’m being honest. I don’t think you want a divorce, you’ve built your life together have a family, yes it’s difficult, no one’s marriage is going to be blissful. Divorce is like end of the road you know, ask yourself how would he feel if he knew you were going behind his back seeking a divorce rather than communicating with him? Because if that was me I’d be defeated that my partner felt like he had to speak to other people who know nothing about our history and took advice to divorce from them.

its easy to see the worst when we’re angry and upset, but would you really want to be without him? Just ask yourself that. He may be an idiot at times and say some hurtful things, but maybe he has stuff going on in his head that he’s not spoke to you about as well? Maybe he’s been feeling down the same as you so a conversation would hopefully make you both aware of how the other is feeling and you can both come to some sort of solution that suits you both xx

*devastated not defeated

Hi, thanks for the post. I am uncertain and I do feel guilty. He gets very stressed but can't express it but the lack of empathy and lack of backing down is wearing.
I think the reason other posters have advised as such is that they feel abuse and a power dynamic means he is doing this behaviour on purpose to keep me in control and therefore pleading for apologies and change won't work.
I feel the truth is somewhere in between. I need an apology as an adult to move forwards, a recognition that lack of respect is unacceptable to me. That's why I said I would give him another chance to apologise.
Maybe I will try that today.
In most areas I actually call the shots, yes he is annoying, yes he is unfair and unempathetic at times and I suppose it's up to me to decide about my future happiness and what I want.

@reflecting2023

In case this helps - The link below is from The Law Society's "Find a solicitor" site.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Select the type of service you need "Family & Relationships" then type in the post code (eg close to your home, work, etc). Talk to a few in the phone before you make an appointment.

When you attend the appointment, be clear about what outcome you need and come with as many financials as you can (eg estimated value of your home (look it up online or estate agents windows), estimated equity, your cash position and his including, if possible both your pensions. These just need to be rough for now - £figures can be drilled down if/when you decide to proceed. Stay focused at your appointment to get as much out of it as you can. Good luck. 🌹

I really think you need to see a (good) therapist to work out what is really happening in your marriage. Also to review the criteria for an abusive relationship. You are very uncertain about what is happening but that isn’t, to me, a sign that you aren’t in a terrible marriage its a sign that you are in an awful marriage in which you have been so ground down and belittled that you have lost all proper sense of self and self love.

@katiekay85 ’s point is that all marriages are more or less like this. I don’t think that is true at all. Your DH is irritable, grasping, verbally abusive, unattuned, rude, unwilling to compromise , miserly, quarrelsome, hoarding with respect to things, uses money and objects to control you, aggressive and unapologetic.

None of these things are true in good marriages.

Whether you divorce or not is a matter of practicality. But on the strength of what you have told us this marriage is extremely toxic.

OP your strong desire to have him apologize is very understandable—to you this would signal that he paused in his destructive, selfish, behavior and recognized your worth, your humanity, your contribution to the family. It would allow you to reset snd to begin the day and the relationship anew.

But it seems like that is not his mode so your wish for this seems like a fantasy that keeps you from acting.

In addition this kind of apology and reset can be typical of dysfunctional and abusive relationships. The fact that he doesn’t rven bither with an apology and just goes straight back to demanding you forget and sweep the late unpleasantness under the rug is really a sign of his contempt for you. He doesn’t even give you the honeymoon period of the abuse cycle. He just ratchets up the mean behavior and bullying until he breaks you then goes back to “normal “ until he gets an itch to abuse you again.

You do not have to divorce him if you love him or if it would not be financially advantageous to you to do so. But you do get to choose whether you tolerate his shitty behavior. I wouldn’t. “We teach people how to treat us” is relevant here, although it is an open question whether you can teach an old dog new tricks.

If I were you (but Im not) I would seriously sit with the question of whether this person’s apology, if it doesn’t reflect a sincere desire to do better, is worth more than a sigh of air in a forest fire. I think your need for the apology plays into his hands and gives him another thing (like love, attention, respect, affection) that he can withhold from you and use to make you chase him.

Just brief reply as am out - unfortunately therapy depends on me relating all the comments and events. I worked long term with a very highly qualified clinical psychologist at consultant level. She felt he has an element of controlling behaviour , and unpredictability and has touched on possible emotional abuse a couple of times but not definitely I don't think. I think I've struggled to feel validated. Therapy is obviously not here in my house listening to what I am hearing and experiencing , even with the odd recording , it's second hand and somehow hard to convey exactly how it is in real life and why it is so hard. So she gives strategies eg for Christmas but I think it's been very hard to say this is definitely intentional emotional/ verbal abuse. There was suggestion he may be on the ASD spectrum - again that doesn't really help me, he had a previous brain injury - that again doesn't necessarily without further assessment give answers.
I will revisit this with her as the main focus.

As much of the work was on ptsd and work related anxiety from which I'm now healed/ resolved.

I haven't worked with her since last June, I have contacted her hopefully will have a session in the next week or two. I had thought his thought to be multi factorial behaviours had completely resolved as he was fine over the last few months.

Your counsellor sounds good.
Ignore katieyay - you have 30 good years of life ahead of you. Don't waste them on him.
LTB.

I agree with @pikkumyy77 - especially this:

@katiekay85 ’s point is that all marriages are more or less like this. I don’t think that is true at all. Your DH is irritable, grasping, verbally abusive, unattuned, rude, unwilling to compromise , miserly, quarrelsome, hoarding with respect to things, uses money and objects to control you, aggressive and unapologetic

This is a succinct summary of what he brings to the marriage. If you are prepared to accept this, this will be your life. I put it to you that you not only deserve better, but you CAN do better.

On your own.

In therapy, as in working with dog owners, there is a bit of a “problem problem” by which I mean the client often comes in with one definition of the problem (my husband is rude and moody, my dog is boisterous and snaps at people) and this is the only perspective they can entertain. So for a while the work focuses on resolving the problem “have you tried advocating for yourself? Does he get taken on enough walks?”

But eventually there is a phase change and the client realizes that she needs to leave the relationship or rehome the dog. Then the “problem “ that you are working on in therapy is not how to change him or yourself but how to change the situation.

Some therapists are more pushy than others, some feel its better to let the client waffle around until they figure it out. Some have a bias towards moderation and suppression of change preferring for religious or cultural reasons to maintain the status quo even if the client is in danger or actively seeking change.

Go back to your therapist and ask her, bluntly, for her opinion on your marriage as she has witnessed it second hand. You might be surprised by her answer. “Love and a cough cannot be hid” and the same might be said about the quality of the relationship you are in. it needs no video proof:its dire.

It does not have to be defined as abusive or dangerous for a casual observer to see its awful. The only question is whether you are willing to keep throwing yourself away on it like someone tossing a bone to an aggressive dog. What you do for love is all well and good. What you do to keep the peace? Well, is this awful status quo worth it?