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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 12:29

TitaniasAss · 26/12/2023 08:43

OP I think you've dealt with this very sensibly, particularly if it's how your DH wanted it that way. I wouldn't want my children's Christmas ruined either. This has obviously been the final straw in some very complicated issues spanning years, so needs to be dealt with properly. Not by screeching like a harpie and spoiling your own, and especially your children's, Christmas. It sounds like it's clear in your hear what you need to do and good luck with it.

Agree. Now the day has past, please don’t let it go unaddressed any longer. I felt really sorry for DH.

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 12:29

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 12:29

Agree. Now the day has past, please don’t let it go unaddressed any longer. I felt really sorry for DH.

Show quote history

Argh! Sorry passed!

AngelontopoftheTree · 26/12/2023 14:03

What your family did was inexcusable, but I agree not reacting immediately and taking time to decide how best to deal with it.
Did you talk to them last night?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Loubilou23 · 26/12/2023 14:06

I am sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but your OP made me well up! Your poor husband....what a despicable way to behave.

WesselCups · 26/12/2023 14:30

Why did you accept your gifts, knowing there was nothing for him? I would have given them straight back and told them why.

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 16:59

neilyoungismyhero · 25/12/2023 23:13

They wouldn't be in my living room longer than it took for me to tell them what I thought of their behaviour and despicable thoughtlessness. Shame on you if you enable their behaviour.

Right, so nasty people upset a grown man.

Grown man’s wife is angry and speaks to him about how he wants to handle it.

Grown man, being a decent father, says he doesn’t want to make a scene on Christmas Day because then his two children will be upset too and he doesn’t want that for them.

Grown man’s wife makes it clear to him that she supports him, doesn’t condone the nasty person’s behaviour and will deal with it in the way he (as a grown man) has requested.

And somehow the wife is in the wrong?!

Do you actually think it would have been better for the op to set her family off so that her husband hasn’t had his wishes respected (why? Is he not capable of thinking for himself?) and two children have had their Christmas Day ruined by shouting and fighting?!

Is ignoring him and upsetting his children supposed to make him feel better?!

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 18:33

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 16:59

Right, so nasty people upset a grown man.

Grown man’s wife is angry and speaks to him about how he wants to handle it.

Grown man, being a decent father, says he doesn’t want to make a scene on Christmas Day because then his two children will be upset too and he doesn’t want that for them.

Grown man’s wife makes it clear to him that she supports him, doesn’t condone the nasty person’s behaviour and will deal with it in the way he (as a grown man) has requested.

And somehow the wife is in the wrong?!

Do you actually think it would have been better for the op to set her family off so that her husband hasn’t had his wishes respected (why? Is he not capable of thinking for himself?) and two children have had their Christmas Day ruined by shouting and fighting?!

Is ignoring him and upsetting his children supposed to make him feel better?!

Show quote history

Well that sort of moderated response would be no fun for the prodders and provokers. There’s no chance to insult or berate, and no chance of a juicy update with OP imploding Christmas and ending up NC. It would actually be nothing more than good advice. Where’s the fun in that??

dooneyousmugelf · 26/12/2023 19:58

There wouldn't have been any need for such immature behaviour, or anything juicy. A simple 'I see what's going on here- point taken. Please leave our house' or 'I'm afraid it's time for you all to go home now as you've been hurtful' or 'get out.' etc etc would've been fine. How the family members react to the OP reacting to their actions would be down to them, not OP. It's actions not words which show true support and understanding. I hope the DH is able to move past yesterday's dreadful antics as he is a goodun.

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 20:01

dooneyousmugelf · 26/12/2023 19:58

There wouldn't have been any need for such immature behaviour, or anything juicy. A simple 'I see what's going on here- point taken. Please leave our house' or 'I'm afraid it's time for you all to go home now as you've been hurtful' or 'get out.' etc etc would've been fine. How the family members react to the OP reacting to their actions would be down to them, not OP. It's actions not words which show true support and understanding. I hope the DH is able to move past yesterday's dreadful antics as he is a goodun.

“Get out” wouldn’t have qualified as juicy?! You must have an incredibly conflict-ridden existence.

Mumof118 · 26/12/2023 20:32

Hope today has been better for you.

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 20:46

dooneyousmugelf · 26/12/2023 19:58

There wouldn't have been any need for such immature behaviour, or anything juicy. A simple 'I see what's going on here- point taken. Please leave our house' or 'I'm afraid it's time for you all to go home now as you've been hurtful' or 'get out.' etc etc would've been fine. How the family members react to the OP reacting to their actions would be down to them, not OP. It's actions not words which show true support and understanding. I hope the DH is able to move past yesterday's dreadful antics as he is a goodun.

Yes, because they sound like the type that would just quietly leave don’t they?

The op and her husband know them and they think they will kick off- presumably they know better than you what they are like.

Do you seriously think “it’s ok, it isn’t mummy’s fault that granny and Aunty X are screaming and shouting” is going to make it ok that 2 little girls have had their Christmas Day ruined?

Not everything is about righteous indignation.

FishPie2 · 26/12/2023 21:06

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 16:59

Right, so nasty people upset a grown man.

Grown man’s wife is angry and speaks to him about how he wants to handle it.

Grown man, being a decent father, says he doesn’t want to make a scene on Christmas Day because then his two children will be upset too and he doesn’t want that for them.

Grown man’s wife makes it clear to him that she supports him, doesn’t condone the nasty person’s behaviour and will deal with it in the way he (as a grown man) has requested.

And somehow the wife is in the wrong?!

Do you actually think it would have been better for the op to set her family off so that her husband hasn’t had his wishes respected (why? Is he not capable of thinking for himself?) and two children have had their Christmas Day ruined by shouting and fighting?!

Is ignoring him and upsetting his children supposed to make him feel better?!

Show quote history

What a measured reply - someone speaking sense. 💝

FishPie2 · 26/12/2023 21:56

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 20:46

Yes, because they sound like the type that would just quietly leave don’t they?

The op and her husband know them and they think they will kick off- presumably they know better than you what they are like.

Do you seriously think “it’s ok, it isn’t mummy’s fault that granny and Aunty X are screaming and shouting” is going to make it ok that 2 little girls have had their Christmas Day ruined?

Not everything is about righteous indignation.

Show quote history

And another speaker of sense -
I do wish we could we had the same as Tattle (wash you mouth out with soap) have where we could press one of the emojies which says what we think instead of quoting the whole of it. It would be easier if you could work it out.

Calliopespa · 26/12/2023 23:52

Treefusis · 26/12/2023 20:46

Yes, because they sound like the type that would just quietly leave don’t they?

The op and her husband know them and they think they will kick off- presumably they know better than you what they are like.

Do you seriously think “it’s ok, it isn’t mummy’s fault that granny and Aunty X are screaming and shouting” is going to make it ok that 2 little girls have had their Christmas Day ruined?

Not everything is about righteous indignation.

Show quote history

Not everything is about righteous indignation.

Well said. And it’s just disingenuous to suggest that, after travelling for Christmas Day, the guests are going to demurely recede back from whence they came when told to “get out.” I think some of these strident approaches work better on a thread than in real life. Easier said than done as they say.

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 07:51

dooneyousmugelf · 26/12/2023 19:58

There wouldn't have been any need for such immature behaviour, or anything juicy. A simple 'I see what's going on here- point taken. Please leave our house' or 'I'm afraid it's time for you all to go home now as you've been hurtful' or 'get out.' etc etc would've been fine. How the family members react to the OP reacting to their actions would be down to them, not OP. It's actions not words which show true support and understanding. I hope the DH is able to move past yesterday's dreadful antics as he is a goodun.

I can only assume you don’t have volatile family members. What if the families choice was to scream and shout and refuse to leave? Start calling her and her husband names? They’d have had a very difficult situation to try to manage in front of their children.

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 10:31

I can only assume you don’t have volatile family members. What if the families choice was to scream and shout and refuse to leave? Start calling her and her husband names? They’d have had a very difficult situation to try to manage in front of their children

If family members are so volatile that they'd start shouting, screaming and swearing then why on earth would you invite them to your children's home at christmas in the first place??? If I knew my parents were so volatile as to do such a thing they wouldnt be getting an invite at all. That would be about protecting my children if they were so easily triggered as to scream, shout and swear at me.

Fynetanksfather · 27/12/2023 11:11

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 10:31

I can only assume you don’t have volatile family members. What if the families choice was to scream and shout and refuse to leave? Start calling her and her husband names? They’d have had a very difficult situation to try to manage in front of their children

If family members are so volatile that they'd start shouting, screaming and swearing then why on earth would you invite them to your children's home at christmas in the first place??? If I knew my parents were so volatile as to do such a thing they wouldnt be getting an invite at all. That would be about protecting my children if they were so easily triggered as to scream, shout and swear at me.

ugh, well bully for you that you don’t have to navigate difficult family members.

OP has clearly been trying to facilitate and cultivate relationships with her family. You don’t just get issued with a new set if you reject the ones you have. It takes a lot of strength to do this, as does ‘going NC’.

OP’s family members didn’t start shouting, swearing and screaming. OP made a judgement call to just get through the day and take action once they were out the way and she was feeling calm and collected. Very well handled imo.

I’d also suggest that suddenly asking family members to leave unexpectedly in the middle of Christmas day is likely to create a weird atmosphere no matter how compliant they are.

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2023 13:21

Emigrating sounds like an excellent plan.

dooneyousmugelf · 27/12/2023 18:38

@Calliopespa I don't have any conflict in my life, thank you. I don't rise to it...which was kind of the point of my post. I also fail to see how a short, non confrontational, measured instruction could ever be construed as 'juicy'. In any case it was only ONE suggestion of a few I made.
I, like most other people set the bar for acceptable behaviour in their own homes. Absolutely no need for volatile 'screaming harpy' shenanigans- or accepting any of that shit from others.

dooneyousmugelf · 27/12/2023 18:41

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 10:31

I can only assume you don’t have volatile family members. What if the families choice was to scream and shout and refuse to leave? Start calling her and her husband names? They’d have had a very difficult situation to try to manage in front of their children

If family members are so volatile that they'd start shouting, screaming and swearing then why on earth would you invite them to your children's home at christmas in the first place??? If I knew my parents were so volatile as to do such a thing they wouldnt be getting an invite at all. That would be about protecting my children if they were so easily triggered as to scream, shout and swear at me.

Exactly!

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 18:57

ugh, well bully for you that you don’t have to navigate difficult family members

Ha! what an ignorant response this is- how the heck do you know I haven't? I just don't invite people (including family) to my house who are likely to explode with anger at any tiny thing and upset my children - is that really "bully for me" or is it entirely sensible?

Treefusis · 27/12/2023 19:06

raindropsonatinroof · 27/12/2023 10:31

I can only assume you don’t have volatile family members. What if the families choice was to scream and shout and refuse to leave? Start calling her and her husband names? They’d have had a very difficult situation to try to manage in front of their children

If family members are so volatile that they'd start shouting, screaming and swearing then why on earth would you invite them to your children's home at christmas in the first place??? If I knew my parents were so volatile as to do such a thing they wouldnt be getting an invite at all. That would be about protecting my children if they were so easily triggered as to scream, shout and swear at me.

Right, but given that they HAD been invited and WERE there, there is nothing to be gained by setting them off is there?

Calliopespa · 27/12/2023 19:13

dooneyousmugelf · 27/12/2023 18:38

@Calliopespa I don't have any conflict in my life, thank you. I don't rise to it...which was kind of the point of my post. I also fail to see how a short, non confrontational, measured instruction could ever be construed as 'juicy'. In any case it was only ONE suggestion of a few I made.
I, like most other people set the bar for acceptable behaviour in their own homes. Absolutely no need for volatile 'screaming harpy' shenanigans- or accepting any of that shit from others.

I didn’t say anything about screaming. I said that asking family members to “get out” on Christmas Day would be, to my mind, a sufficiently dramatic incident that it would qualify as “juicy” for the people who seem to thrive on that kind of update. Are you really telling me your relatives would simply depart no questions asked if you told them to “get out”? There doesn’t need to be screaming for children to sense things are not progressing normally. If your relatives really would do that, they must either be very used to you treating them that way, or scared witless by you. I have never once demanded guests leave. If I did, I would certainly consider it an “incident.”

dooneyousmugelf · 27/12/2023 19:34

@Calliopespa you didn't say that, nor did I say you did. I quoted it as it's elsewhere on the thread. I hate to think grown adults sit waiting for 'juicy updates'. How pathetic that is if that's the case.
It's so depressing, actually, that here on Mumsnet a poster is being congratulated for acting 'gracefully' and 'not like a screaming harpy fishwife' because she didn't take control and assert herself to protect her DH. Would never happen to a man. They would be encouraged to remove the problem/diffuse a hostile situation by making troublemakers leave/stand up for his crying wife.

(I'm not addressing your post especially the latter part of it where you again get personal with me- very silly).

oldagegoth · 27/12/2023 19:46

A few years ago I had an issue on Xmas day with my Dad. He was being a prick to a family member. I called him out on it gently, similar level to the 'dh has no presents' comment but it escalated quickly because he's prone to reaction. I smoothed over because my kids were there and they didn't need to see it get out of hand.

I went to see my parents a few days later and clearly told him if he ever behaved like that in future I was not going to bring my children to his house again. He hasn't behaved like it since - he saw I meant it and didn't just let it slide. The family member felt supported. It was discussed with my kids who saw it dealt with calmly.

Things don't always require an immediate flounce. I think the delay and calm revisit actually probably had more of an impact than if I'd addressed it on the day when he probably would have decided I was the one behaving unreasonably and caused an Xmas day bust-up.

I'm sure op knows her family so maybe feels the same would apply.