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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 25/12/2023 20:32

Tell them all to go home since they cannot respect that your DH is cooking for them and entertaining them. Get some people who appreciate you. What a lot of twerps.

SteadyEddi · 25/12/2023 20:42

You sound very sensible!

FreshWinterMorning · 25/12/2023 20:42

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Christmas Events & celebrations
PandaChopChop · 25/12/2023 20:47

Think you were right not to have a massive bust up in front of the kids.

Good luck with your conversation OP

KaiserChefs · 25/12/2023 20:48

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:59

We're not emigrating for 9 months yet, I'm speaking to them this evening if possible and failing that tomorrow

Anyone hoping for juicy updates of a big family showdown is going to be disappointed. There's a lot of pain on both sides and this is going to be a heartbreaking but very necessary conversation.

Show quote history

The other thing to be wary of (especially with someone with EUPD in the family) with how manipulative your family are, is the possibility of malicious reports about you to the police/social services if you fall out with them. This could potentially prevent you emigrating. So tread carefully OP. You're doing the best you can to disentangle yourselves from them carefully. A lot of the advice on this thread assumes you're dealing with reasonable people who handle problems with icy silence rather than screaming, shouting, escalating everything, always trying to drag you down with them. Remember, never wrestle with a pig, you'll get covered in mud and the pig won't care.

Consider not telling them about emigrating until you've got your visas in hand and are getting ready to go so they can't stop you, and definitely don't tell them your flights etc.

Nanaof1 · 25/12/2023 20:50

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:32

@2jacqi they're in my living room right now!

I feel so bad for your DH, and I think your whole family needs to take a leap off a pier. Disgusting behavior from supposedly civilized people.

I hope he got better treatment from his family while you were there. I also hope you mean what you say about your family and how you are going to deal with this blatant disregard for your VDH's feelings.

You are going to NZ but so far, the only one I feel sad for is VDH's family, as I am sure they will miss you all.

MzHz · 25/12/2023 20:51

This isn’t a novella peeps, this is someone’s life/family

@SoLongDaisyMay you have the end in sight and you have a plan

youve done nothing wrong at all and I feel full sympathy for you all. This all will pass.

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 20:55

I think you are right OP not to stoop to their level and ruin the day if DH has indicated he feels that way ( full credit to him for that btw). But it does need to be swiftly dealt with. It’s hugely disrespectful to him and he sounds like the most stable support you have. Take care of the good people in your life.

MeMySonAnd1 · 25/12/2023 20:59

My exh allowed his family to treat me like that, I have forgiven his family but I never forgiven him for allowing such behaviour.

The only reason I was putting up with such horrible people was not because they were his family, but because he allowed and enabled the nasty behaviour.

At some point I realised I preferred to be without him than having him AND his family in my life.

Stop the nasty behaviour OP for the sake of your children, the only reason he cannot do it himself is because you are standing in the middle.

Novemberweather99 · 25/12/2023 21:07

That's awful and so cruel. So they're prepared to sit and eat the food he's prepared but can't even bring themselves to give him a gift. That's truly disgusting.

MeMySonAnd1 · 25/12/2023 21:19

AnneValentine · 25/12/2023 19:57

Of course he can’t. Because this is YOUR family and YOU should be the one putting your foot down

Show quote history

This

miniatureroses · 25/12/2023 21:52

Your poor DH. I don't usually feel anything much about threads on here but I'm feeling angry on behalf of your DH here. I hope they will be pulled up on this.

OccasionalHope · 25/12/2023 21:54

Honestly, in these circs I would seriously consider never telling them about emigrating. just go.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 21:54

raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 16:46

My sister cried today because she didn't like the tone of voice in which my grandmother spoke to her. It's easy for MN to lay into me because I didn't say anything about the present issue at the time but my family and extremely volatile

So why post then? you say you were livid but when people suggested what to do you refuse. Fair enough, it's up to you- your H is the one who is suffering all this crap, not us, but why bother posting about how livid you are then if you aren't going to do anything about it?

Edited

She is going to do something but the OP and her DH didn't want to upset their children

People on MN do have to realise sometimes that other people can't or are not able to IMMEDIATELY do the Hive Mind's bidding. Doesn't mean that nothing is going to happen

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 21:57

Catsknowbest · 25/12/2023 17:46

How on earth did you - or could you - sit down and share a meal after that??

Because her children were there?

oakleaffy · 25/12/2023 21:58

Jeez @SoLongDaisyMay Your family sound like horrendous inverted snobs.

It’s grossly unfair on your husband.

Sadly snobbery can be far more vicious from “ Working class” people who feel threatened by so called “ Posh” people.

You sound like a lovely sensible kind woman though- Unlike your family who are being unjustifiably unkind.

Codlingmoths · 25/12/2023 22:08

For gods sake don’t forget about your dh in the whole ‘we don’t want to upset my family too much by emigrating’ your parents were nasty and horrible to him at Christmas while he cooked their dinner and you need to tell them you will burn the house down before they are ever allowed in for Christmas, and thank god you’re moving to the other side of the world from them. None of this absolutely rubbish ‘I put the presents in piles and said airily where is dhs?’ So that made them feel really awkward. That was a pathetic failure of standing up for your husband to be blunt.

oldagegoth · 25/12/2023 22:18

I get it op, neither of you wanted it to kick off on Xmas day - and coming from a family where bust ups regularly happened throughout my childhood, I admire you for your restraint - but you do know you need to follow this up.

Even if he calms down and doesn't want anything said tomorrow, please convince him they need to hear this.

You set the scene today with the acknowledgement there were no gifts, they know it has been noticed. A calm statement is warranted. They behaved appallingly.

ParsnipAndPoppy · 25/12/2023 22:22

OP I have read all your posts but not all the replies, and just wanted to say well done for holding it together. I think you have done the right thing fwiw.

are you moving for his work or yours? Is it a temporary or permanent move?

when it comes to talking to them, stay really calm. Don’t make any assumptions about what contact will be like when you move, for good or bad. but if they ask why you’re going I’d definitely say a big factor is that he doesn’t feel welcome in your family, if he had felt more welcome maybe you wouldn’t have needed to do this. The Christmas presents are just one example

mrsbyers · 25/12/2023 22:28

Is this the first year they’ve not gotten him a gift ? If it is then just maybe they really did forget his gift - but probably an excuse if they’ve got form. They need a rocket , let them feed themselves next year and have a Christmas with your in-laws or at home

surferparadise · 25/12/2023 22:31

People on MN do have to realise sometimes that other people can't or are not able to IMMEDIATELY do the Hive Mind's bidding. Doesn't mean that nothing is going to happen

Of course it’s not always possible. But if it had been the OP whose husband said nothing because “he didn’t want to start a row” whilst his parents did that, people would be screaming for his head on a plate. The double standard here is quite surprising

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 25/12/2023 22:42

What a horrible thing for them to do, bad enough in any circumstances but when he has gone to all that trouble to host them - it really beggars belief. Your poor DH.

I agree there is no point in ruining the day for everyone, but you do need to have a very firm conversation with them, and accept no excuses.

Good luck with your emigration next year, hopefully you will start a new chapter of your lives away from their nonsense and will be able to enjoy next Christmas.

Howbizzare22 · 25/12/2023 23:11

Omg. Give him a huge cuddle from us & tell him he’s about the only man on this site we are sll
impressed with! There’s a lot of love here for him make sure he knows how fabulous & kind he is & as for the rest of them: fucking selfish c*nts

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/12/2023 23:12

These threads always go the same way. Someone outlines their problem, a number of others agree how it should be resolved, and the OP is expected to jump to it for their entertainment.

OP solve your problems in your own time.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/12/2023 23:13

They wouldn't be in my living room longer than it took for me to tell them what I thought of their behaviour and despicable thoughtlessness. Shame on you if you enable their behaviour.