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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 25/12/2023 19:10

Justmuddlingalong · 25/12/2023 13:33

Not today, but you need to say something. That is beyond rude and they're quite happy to accept his cooking and hospitality? This would be the last time that would be happening. He must feel shite, but please reassure him that you've got his back.

She hasn't got his back though, has she?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/12/2023 19:16

Frances0911 · 25/12/2023 18:48

Ask them why they haven't bought him a present. Say it in a light hearted way if needs be, but make sure they give you an answer, then tell them that it's not very nice.

Op said further back that she mentioned it and her Mum said it was at their house (aka they got him nought )

DreamTheMoors · 25/12/2023 19:20

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:39

It's been like this all my life

"You have to forgive your abuser otherwise he'll kill himself" was another highlight. I was a teenager when that happened.

I understand I need to stand up for husband here but this has been going on all my life and it's really, really hard to disentangle from the toxicity when it's all I've ever known. I'm trying to do better

@SoLongDaisyMay
If somebody is going to kill themselves, they’re going to kill themselves regardless of whether you don’t forgive them or do forgive them.
Trust me on that.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
Treefusis · 25/12/2023 19:24

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:34

To be clear, I am absolutely going to deal with this. But DH didn't want his daughters to have their Christmas ruined by a screaming row and he is entitled to decide how he wants to deal with it. Eastenders style bust ups aren't his thing. We're going to have a firm but civilised boundary setting discussion when we've all calmed down.

I think you’ve made the right call- it isn’t the kids fault. I grew up in a screaming row household and it is bloody miserable.

Your poor husband. We have a class disparity the other way- I’m middle class and married a (wonderful) extremely working class woman. My mum was furious, and my wider family totally non plussed.

My mum came round pretty well after a lot of years when she was forced to admit that my DW is loyal, hardworking and treats me brilliantly… she still has the odd dig though, especially about things like our ds having working class friends, not going to an expensive private school etc.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/12/2023 19:25

Why the fuck have you allowed this to happen? Id have slung the lot of the out by now. Shame on you.

Cerealkiller4U · 25/12/2023 19:31

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

That’s horrific. I can’t believe thst. Poor guy

ill send him something!!! I’d like too xx

GreatGardenstuff · 25/12/2023 19:32

I’m so sorry for him, that’s horrible. They’ve behaved like shits. Please tell them.

Gillypie23 · 25/12/2023 19:33

Why spend Christmas with them. When you know they treat him like shit

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/12/2023 19:34

Totally disgusting of your mum and grandparents if they got you and kids something

Did they but dh presents last year ?

You def need to say something but understand why didn't want to do today infront of kids

Hooplahooping · 25/12/2023 19:42

Further to this - I would involve your husband in deciding which course of action he would feel most supported by.

Eekmystro · 25/12/2023 19:46

Op I think you were right not to have a big bust up earlier. It would have been hard to manage a conversation with volatile people with 2 young children around. Also it is often better to take some time so when you do speak to them you are prepped and know what you want to say.

You know you need boundaries and to lower contact. Now all you have to do is get strategies that enable you to follow through with those boundaries. In all honesty I’m not sure I would even instigate a conversation with your family. I’d be more minded to call them, tell them you will no longer accept their bad treatment of your DH and so you contact with them will now be extremely limited. What is the point in discussions with people who are toxic and volatile.

TheaBrandt · 25/12/2023 19:48

Have they got some weird chippy reverse snobbery thing going on ?

BungleandGeorge · 25/12/2023 19:52

I wouldn have had a big bust up either. What actually is the point of that? You said something and it sounds like your mum felt guilty and apologised so job done there. How old is your sister? And it sounds like she’s got significant mental health issues. Did your grandparents say anything at all?

AnneValentine · 25/12/2023 19:57

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:43

To those saying ask them to leave, DH has said he can't bring himself to do that to be octogenarian grandparents at Christmas

He's a better person than they are by miles

Of course he can’t. Because this is YOUR family and YOU should be the one putting your foot down

Whatdoido1987 · 25/12/2023 20:08

You need to ask them why the saw it fit to turn up at your house for Christmas without even a token gift for the man preparing their meal? Really is arsehole behaviour. X

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 20:11

That would be the final straw for me. I'd get through today but go NC going forwards. Your poor DH doing all the cooking too.

FreshWinterMorning · 25/12/2023 20:12

Gillypie23 · 25/12/2023 19:33

Why spend Christmas with them. When you know they treat him like shit

Hmmm yeah, I don't understand this either. I would have gone seriously low contact with my extended family if they had ever treated my husband like this. And I would certainly NOT be inviting them to my/our home - EVER.

Imagine having an extended family who display such atrocious behaviour towards your husband all year round, and then hosting Christmas dinner for them. WTAF? Confused I just can't get my head around it at ALL....... As I said, they wouldn't even get an invite from me - ever, let alone on Christmas day!

Why the OP did not tell her 'family' to fuck off to the far side of fuck just baffles me. As for 'worrying about a row.' So what if there was one?! The children should have seen that their mother was not tolerating their dad being treated like shit! No WAY would I have allowed my extended family to disrespect my husband - and said nothing!

.

dooneyousmugelf · 25/12/2023 20:14

You're making all the right outaged noises here on this thread, but this was something which needed confronting at the time. No need for silly dramatics or throwing things about but you've spent the day privately simmering and venting on Mumsnet while you've been complicit with your horrible family in excluding your DH. What are they meant to think by you going mad at them about this issue at a later time when you've spent the day catering to them and playing nice?

facepalmdaily · 25/12/2023 20:17

I would have said something. I'm not confrontational usually but this would have really pissed me off. Honestly right now I'd be telling them to leave. Im so sorry they have done this to you.

Backtomyoldname · 25/12/2023 20:17

8.17 pm now and now a bit late to suggest they did the washing up as both a decent gesture and penance.

But I hope they did.

FreshWinterMorning · 25/12/2023 20:19

dooneyousmugelf · 25/12/2023 20:14

You're making all the right outaged noises here on this thread, but this was something which needed confronting at the time. No need for silly dramatics or throwing things about but you've spent the day privately simmering and venting on Mumsnet while you've been complicit with your horrible family in excluding your DH. What are they meant to think by you going mad at them about this issue at a later time when you've spent the day catering to them and playing nice?

Exactly what I said. They needed telling today! No dillydallying around and letting them think their atrocious behaviour is acceptable! As you say, the OP has been complicit with her horrible family! Her poor husband. I would be questioning the marriage at this point if I was him.

Castellanos · 25/12/2023 20:20

Op I've only read your posts and some of the earlier general ones. FWIW I think you're both handling this with a lot of grace, rather than a big eastenders style bust up, which would also be understandable! Hope you continue to have a lovely rest of Christmas 🎄

CommonOrNot · 25/12/2023 20:22

This is vile. How have you sat and watched this unfold (presumably numerous times) and ran to mumsnet without saying anything?

Treefusis · 25/12/2023 20:24

dooneyousmugelf · 25/12/2023 20:14

You're making all the right outaged noises here on this thread, but this was something which needed confronting at the time. No need for silly dramatics or throwing things about but you've spent the day privately simmering and venting on Mumsnet while you've been complicit with your horrible family in excluding your DH. What are they meant to think by you going mad at them about this issue at a later time when you've spent the day catering to them and playing nice?

Except the op has said they are the type to kick off and create a big row with shouting etc, and she and her dh don’t want their children to experience on Christmas Day. Which is perfectly sensible.

SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 20:28

You told us to watch this space.

So in the end you said nothing.