My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

My family did this to me once, except my mother did five me one gift, a rude t-shirt. I knew something was up after watching the entire large family receive numerous very expensive gifts and she was smirking as she handed me the gift. It was such a horrible thing to do, I also cried in the kitchen.

Then I went home and didn’t fucking associate with them any more. People who INTENTIONALLY humiliate and hurts others are trash people. I’m sorry this happened to your husband, please make sure they never have the opportunity to pull it ever again.

Well, no- she should say something to them!

I'm angry for your DH, and beyond that for you being told about forgiving your abuser in case he killed himself😡

Posters suggesting OP challenges her family Peggy Eastenders 'get out of my pub' style? I would guess you have never been in this situation. You need to challenge when it's safer for you and your children, without having to deal with the possibly nuclear reaction by any suggestion that the family have behaved less than well. Challenging them, and giving them the news when they are off site is a much better idea.

I suspect that moving abroad will be a very good thing for physically removing yourselves from this situation, @SoLongDaisyMay and I wish you and yours all the best. Sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself, and the future will be better

i wouldn’t tolerate this.,why did you choose to host such a horrible bunch of people.

when the phrase “can’t choose your family” really hits home.

next time, please spend Christmas with your husband

My MIL did similar to me many years ago - went around giving everyone a Christmas present but when it came to me said she hadn’t got me anything - I didn’t care about a present, it was the humiliation I felt as I was really young at the time…and like you say INTENTIONAL humiliation. Makes me sad thinking about it actually as I have children of my own now.

@SoLongDaisyMay speak to them today or tomorrow but at YOUR pace. If you've had some wine, you won't be as calm and determined as if you speak to them tomorrow.

Do this at your pace, not being pushed by Mumsnet.

How on earth did you - or could you - sit down and share a meal after that??

You're absolutely right to stand up for him and to not make a scene in front of the children. I hope he sees it's them in the wrong, not him. I barely speak to my parents as they've gone from hero worshipping my DH to rejecting him. It's hard to see it and be objective when it's your parents, also you'll be so used to them and the way they are, it takes a long time to work out it's not right.

I don't blame you I would not be inviting them next year instead you should book yourselves a trip in the sun. Your family sounds like right snobs and if it was my family I would've said something there and then I wouldn't of cared about rocking the boat.

They have been openly rude and hostile. By not bothering to buy a gift. That's rude and hostile

Absolutely agree something needs to happen but I can't believe how many people assume DH would even want to disrupt his kids Christmas day with it. Hopefully OP has told him she knows it's unacceptable and that she will address it. Tonight or tomorrow out of children's earshot is perfectly acceptable! OP asked for advice yes, but that doesn't mean she has to act on it immediately!

OP posted here to let off some steam and rant. She doesn’t want to spoil Christmas for her DC and is respecting her DH’s wishes not to cause a scene. She is entitled to deal with it in her own way and just because she mentioned it here, it doesn’t mean she needs to listen to the advice offered, especially as she never solicited advice in the first place.

@SoLongDaisyMay I hope what’s left of your day improves and your DH feels better. Give him a hug from us too. I’ve been in his situation and it’s gone round and round my head for years afterwards.

@SoLongDaisyMay

I agree with something you said in a PP. It's up to your DH how this is handled. But whatever he wants, it needs to be done by you because that will make the biggest impact.

My family aren't big on scenes. We're more the 'stern talking to' type. We mince no words but we don't yell or use nasty insults. We believe that you don't have to cause a scene to get your point across. In fact, often a calm but very stern voice makes more of an impact than a screaming fit. And telling them you're emigrating will throw them for a loop. After all, who are they going to mistreat when you and your DH are gone?

Good luck talking to your family. I know your DH was hurt but TBH, I'd rather not get gifts from people who dislike me. They're given grudgingly and are usually shit anyway.

Good luck with the conversation later OP. Don’t let it drag on if they start up the manipulation.

And prepare yourself for the “Mystery Illness” your mother will contract in a bid to stop you from emigrating…

He sounds lovely and kind. Hope you both can get through the day ok and take the edge off with a glass of wine or two! I do think at some point, maybe not today, you need to tell them just how hurt your husband is by their behaviour, how angry you are with them and next year don't invite them again!

I'd be in that living room and asking them 'why'. Pick them up on it.

Then I'd be telling them to fuck off.

@Seriously79 apparently OP did ask them and they said they'd forgotten it.

Anyway since they're emigrating and are unlikely to host them ever again they won't get the chance to behave like this in future.

Your family has been toxic for a long, long time, and your dh doesn't deserve that. He has a dw problem. Pull on your big girls panties and defend your dh.

If I found my DH crying in the kitchen, because of them, I'd go back in and tell them to leave immediately. Anything else is too good for them.

I'm glad you had a good time with your in-laws.

However "well" the talk goes you know you and DH and your DC deserve better.

So, you parents have left your house,

And you, DC and DH are at his parents house now?

Exactly why are you hosting them?!

This. It is amazing how frothy so many posters get if the OP doesn't do exactly what they say immediately. The OP is posting for advice and support. Not direct orders.

Good luck OP. Your dh sounds lovely, you sound supportive and realistic. I wish you all the best.

Did he get any of them presents?

Ask them why they haven't bought him a present. Say it in a light hearted way if needs be, but make sure they give you an answer, then tell them that it's not very nice.