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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
NotARealWookiie · 25/12/2023 23:28

I do understand why you didn’t want a scene that would distress your children.

glad to hear you will be addressing it rationally like an adult. Good luck

Calliopespa · 25/12/2023 23:46

I think this response - and many others- are missing the point that OP’s DH himself said he didn’t want it raised today. Clearly his fuse is long enough not to ruin it for the children. There have been plenty of occasions when I was glad that DH wanted to stick up for me but didn’t want him to do so right then and there. Sometimes after the fact can be less of a scene. The fact he respects that doesn’t mean I feel he is enabling the behaviour, just respecting my desire to maximise efficacy over drama.

ISSTIUTNG · 25/12/2023 23:51

OP my inlaws have always hated me. They absolutely adore my SIL's husband though. He's racist, thick as pig shit and I've never seen him have a remotely positive interaction with their young kids. This probably says a lot about their mentality and I should probably take it as a badge of honour that they don't relate to me but honestly for years I just found it humiliating and heartbreaking (I've made peace with it now)

I love my husband. He's a fantastic husband and father but he's never stood up for me ITO his family and refuses to see things from my POV.

My advice would be to have your DH's back 100% Let your family know that this is unacceptable and that you won't be gracing them with your company until they literally grovel to your DH. Whatever happens I would never waste another of my kid's Christmasses with them again. The kids will for sure pick up on the tension so why bother? They'll make better memories just having a chilled out Christmas with you.

Your immediate family unit is absolutely your priority. Anyone else just isn't worth the mental energy if they're making your life difficult. Make a plan with your DH that makes your little family more solid. F%^k everyone else. You have no control over them

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
themusingsofaninsomniac · 25/12/2023 23:52

I feel sorry for him. I hope he gets to feel more appreciated tomorrow.

And to echo all comments, stop sitting on it and stick up for him while it's still relevant.

Starryskies1 · 25/12/2023 23:54

I want to give your dh a hug! How awful. I would step back from them personally. Particularly if the conversation doesn’t go your way.

DC1888 · 25/12/2023 23:58

Very rare that you read an opening post that can stir up such rage, but that second last line did it. Can't ever recall having this feeling on Christmas Day (a day when its "goodwill to all men"), primarily as I've been sheltered from warring families bar EastEnders. We should have the same goodwill everyday of course, but you would think your family could exhibit that to your husband at least today. What they did was cruel, which was heightened by the day they did it.

Your husband is a gentleman for putting everyone before himself here. Naturally he's getting loads of messages of support, so send him all our regards OP.

You also have every right to handle this whatever way suits you best. Your family being volatile with a younger sister having a mental health issue makes the situation much more complex to deal with that the norm. For this reason I think you were right in not addressing it there and then. Picking a quieter moment, when you can spell out just how cruel their behaviour has been, seems wise.

Hope you had a great day regardless and can enjoy the rest of the Christmas break.

Fullofxmascbeer · 26/12/2023 00:03

I’d have waited for the kids too.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2023 00:03

OP , many years ago (I;m talking 1970) my grandparents came to stay when my DBro was born. ( I was 3 , DSis was 6. I cannot remember if my Dad had any holiday )

Lomg story short , they were no help , expected my Mum to run round after them. My Nan sulked in her room because my Sister sat in her chair .
Then rounded on my Mum because she wasn;t cooking enough for my Grandad . A grown man whi was physically very fit .
It was like having 2 more kids not two extra pairs of hands

My Dad , God love him, had his faults . But he called a cab and threw them out .

He stood up for my Mum . Didnt win him favours .
I didn;t know this till years later but my heart did swell with pride !

Fredshred · 26/12/2023 00:18

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2023 17:06

Your husband has a DW problem...

Show quote history

Sorry, but I agree with this

honeyrider · 26/12/2023 00:23

Fredshred · 26/12/2023 00:18

Sorry, but I agree with this

Show quote history

I agree too, OP has let this go on for years without putting firm boundaries in place and it's escalating.

I feel so sorry for the OP's DH.

uclpp · 26/12/2023 00:25

OP you do not owe them an explanation. You can just cut them off. Abusive people don’t accept what they’ve done is wrong. They’ll just blame you.

I wouldn’t contact them, I wouldn’t tell them about emigrating. I’d simply vanish.

my father is a nasty man who’s never cared about us. I cut him off. Sibling 1 has just had a shit time round dad’s house - the crap behaviour just continues. Sibling 2 has also cut dad off and is moving in a couple of weeks and dad doesn’t know.

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 26/12/2023 00:27

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2023 00:03

OP , many years ago (I;m talking 1970) my grandparents came to stay when my DBro was born. ( I was 3 , DSis was 6. I cannot remember if my Dad had any holiday )

Lomg story short , they were no help , expected my Mum to run round after them. My Nan sulked in her room because my Sister sat in her chair .
Then rounded on my Mum because she wasn;t cooking enough for my Grandad . A grown man whi was physically very fit .
It was like having 2 more kids not two extra pairs of hands

My Dad , God love him, had his faults . But he called a cab and threw them out .

He stood up for my Mum . Didnt win him favours .
I didn;t know this till years later but my heart did swell with pride !

Your dad sounds amazing! Out of interest, was it his parents or hers?

Soitwillbefine · 26/12/2023 00:30

Give them one chance to put it right. My first Xmas with my now ex (nice man), my family treated him like a guest not family and it didn’t sit right, so I told them.

They did change it the following year and continue to do so even though we aren’t together.

In their defence, they were from a different generation but you can’t say nothing. I told my parents, spend the money you’d spend on me on something for us both or so share it between us.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2023 00:36

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 26/12/2023 00:27

Your dad sounds amazing! Out of interest, was it his parents or hers?

Show quote history

It was my Mums parents .
I remember my Nana complaining that Mum wasn't giving my Grandad enough to eat and each time they had a cup of tea they expected a cake .

When my parents visted me with my babies my Dad practically walked the wheels off the pram and went out for shopping , made food etc,

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 26/12/2023 00:42

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2023 00:36

It was my Mums parents .
I remember my Nana complaining that Mum wasn't giving my Grandad enough to eat and each time they had a cup of tea they expected a cake .

When my parents visted me with my babies my Dad practically walked the wheels off the pram and went out for shopping , made food etc,

Show quote history

Good for him, on both counts! Am so impressed he threw his in laws out of the house.

AllyArty · 26/12/2023 01:01

How unkind of them. Presumably one of them must have dreamt up this horrible idea and got the others to agree? Can you work out who is the ringleader and talk to them on a 1-1 basis rather than you trying to take on them all. Bet u feel like disowning the lot of them!

Fynetanksfather · 26/12/2023 01:57

Oh that’s awful, I’m so sorry they were so rude to him. You poor guys, what a shit experience. In a way, at least with them being so overtly rude and unpleasant (just unreal) you can take decisive action about what you want to do. At least there’s not that horrible feeling of wondering if there’s something up / if you did something wrong / if a slight was imagined, etc.

Shockingly rude behaviour! Have they always been like this? :(

RedRobyn2021 · 26/12/2023 06:42

Good luck today @SoLongDaisyMay I hope you get some closure from this conversation and I'm sorry they treated your husband like that

realitytransurfing · 26/12/2023 07:23

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2023 00:03

OP , many years ago (I;m talking 1970) my grandparents came to stay when my DBro was born. ( I was 3 , DSis was 6. I cannot remember if my Dad had any holiday )

Lomg story short , they were no help , expected my Mum to run round after them. My Nan sulked in her room because my Sister sat in her chair .
Then rounded on my Mum because she wasn;t cooking enough for my Grandad . A grown man whi was physically very fit .
It was like having 2 more kids not two extra pairs of hands

My Dad , God love him, had his faults . But he called a cab and threw them out .

He stood up for my Mum . Didnt win him favours .
I didn;t know this till years later but my heart did swell with pride !

Your dad sounds bloody awesome- what a great dad!

TheaBrandt · 26/12/2023 07:27

My friends Dh pushed back. My friends mother was always a nightmare even when we were growing up. Dad a wet lettuce.

During my friends first pregnancy she was up to her old tricks and my friend ended up in tears. Her normally calm Dh rang the mum and said if she EVER upset his wife again she would not see any of them or the new baby - ever again. He meant it too. Totally worked. She’s been nice as pie for the last 15 years. That’s what a decent spouse does.

BananaSplitsss · 26/12/2023 07:46

What a horrible thing to do. How mean and unkind are your family op.
Tell them to leave. That’s so wanky it’s unbelievable.
I would be livid .

Aishah231 · 26/12/2023 08:33

Hi OP. If your sister was abused as well can you not offer her the chance to come with you when you emigrate?

TitaniasAss · 26/12/2023 08:43

OP I think you've dealt with this very sensibly, particularly if it's how your DH wanted it that way. I wouldn't want my children's Christmas ruined either. This has obviously been the final straw in some very complicated issues spanning years, so needs to be dealt with properly. Not by screeching like a harpie and spoiling your own, and especially your children's, Christmas. It sounds like it's clear in your hear what you need to do and good luck with it.

Tilllly · 26/12/2023 09:03

How are you and DH this morning, @SoLongDaisyMay ?

FatFemale · 26/12/2023 09:07

Thats truly awful, your poor DH.made him cry? That has to be the end surely