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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
Blueberry911 · 22/12/2023 19:58

This reply has been deleted

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Beezknees · 22/12/2023 19:58

Your poor DS. This is heartbreaking to read.

If you stay with this man, you are a terrible parent.

And I think the same thing about biological parents who slap their children. I've never ever hit mine.

CurlewKate · 22/12/2023 19:58

Yes. In a heartbeat.

Tukmgru · 22/12/2023 19:58

Find someone three times your husband’s size and get them to smack him round the face. See how he likes it.

DilemmaDelilah · 22/12/2023 20:01

No. I would make him leave. Why is it always that women feel they have to leave? I understand it in some cases, but not in all.

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:01

This reply has been deleted

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That's a bit unfair. There are all kinds of reasons why someone can't just up and leave a relationship immediately.

Lavender14 · 22/12/2023 20:01

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:00

This did flash through my mind, that it was a one off but I just feel sick at it. I know that sounds dramatic and I'm far from a saint myself (I have raised my voice before but never ever been physical) but I'd been with DS all day, and he can't spend 2 minutes alone with him without losing his rag to the point of slapping him around the face? I did try and talk about it while DS was watching TV once I'd calmed him down etc but he didn't want to no; so I said just get out and I can't see him bothering to discuss. I doubt he'd want 50/50 as he doesn't pull his weight now, but if he did that'd be a bridge to cross but for me not a reason to stay.

Show quote history

I can understand (not condone but understand) a parent getting overwhelmed and losing their shit. And often in those moments we revert back to the parenting we received as children and maybe he comes from a house where hitting was a standard form of punishment as it was in many many houses until fairly recently.

But I would expect immediate remorse and guilt, I would expect him to take himself out of the situation and apologise to ds and you, explain where he was at and strategise how to be better.

The fact he's not bothered is what would seal the deal for me and yes I would leave but if in didn't see him as an immediate risk to my child I'd get my money and legal orders in a line first.

Do you have your own income? Can you make a police report and speak to a solicitor? Do you have the means to set yourself up in a new home and do you own your current home? If so I'd change the locks and stay put with ds.

I'm sorry you're going through that op, he's been massively out of order.

NeonSoda · 22/12/2023 20:01

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 19:54

Same here, I grew up where a smack on the bottom was the norm (I'm 40).

Show quote history

It wasn’t particularly acceptable when we were kids.

I told a social worker that my Dad had hit me when I was four years old. They were prevented from adopting a second child and were put on a list.

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 20:02

I personally would bring the incident back up with your DS because I think it could traumatise him more to relive it

Hopefully your DS has forgotten about it and moved on

But of course if he mentions it then talk about it because this means it had affected him and upset him

You know your DS best to judge what and when to say anything. But it is a tricky one

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:03

@NeonSoda Are you from the same generation as me? It was fairly normal for us growing up and kids at school would get the odd smack from their parents too. We even had a teacher who smacked a pupil on his back.

Supertayto · 22/12/2023 20:03

Oh dear, OP. I’m so sorry this is happening to your family, most especially your son. Do you think you can come back from such a thing in terms of respecting DH as an equal parent and partner and trusting him with DC? Anything less would be untenable for you all. Keep your son safe. If you do not feel that DH is a safe person for your son to be around then you cannot live with him or continue the relationship. Good luck to you.

Bobbybobbins · 22/12/2023 20:04

I saw an adult man slap a little boy (presumably his son) across the face on rye otter side of a Christmas market last week, other family members around them. Who did nothing. Good for you OP.

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 20:04

I meant

I personally would !!! NOT !!! bring the incident back up with your DS because I think it could traumatise him more to relive it

rockinginarockingchair · 22/12/2023 20:04

Yes i would leave BUT i would also be going to court for brutal assault on him.
I would also tell him ONCE.
There is nothing to say nothing to talk about get the fxxk out and stay out.
Come near me or my child things will get very messy.
DIVORCE starting.
I say this as i was that abused child and mother choose him.

MindatWork · 22/12/2023 20:05

Everyone joining this thread please read ops updates - I can only hope some of the posters minimising this or comparing it to themselves losing their tag with their own kids hasn’t done this because:

  • He showed no remorse
  • He said DS ‘deserved it’
  • OP has said he doesn’t really bother with DS so is unlikely to go for 50/50 custody
  • It happened when she was out of the room so has probably happened before.

This is NOT the same a generally good and loving parent losing their rag once, smacking on the bum or leg and being mortified and upset they’ve hurt their child, followed by putting measures in place to make sure it never happens again. This is a grown man slapping a 5 year old ROUND THE FACE and not giving a shit.

And there is no way on gods green earth that if a mum posted on here saying she’d slapped her 5yo DS round the face (and said they deserved it) she be given sympathy and support.

Well done for leaving OP, you’re doing the best for your DS.

Original poster
Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:05

Thanks all, at my brothers now luckily it's not far away and DS is asleep. I wanted to leave the house just because I can't deal with him tonight if and when he comes back- not because I think he'll be violent (although who knows now) but just because it's very overwhelming and I need some space. He knows how I feel though, and logistically I am privileged enough to have options with housing (I inherited some money a few months back which I could use to rent somewhere if needed) so thankfully it's not a deal breaker if he comes back to our home. We pay 50/50 and the paperwork reflects that so can sort out sometime, just focusing on the coming days.

I do agree with those saying its out of character, but as PP has said I have no way to know if he's done it before. I don't think he has as he isn't alone with him much to be honest as pathetic as that is, he's not a very engaged parent. Its the lack of remorse that scared me as much as the actual slap I think, he didn't seem bothered and seemed annoyed I wanted to talk about it. Thankfully it hasn't left a mark, but do wonder if as has been said should report it on the non emergency line?

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 22/12/2023 20:05

MonkeyPuddle · 22/12/2023 18:53

Yes. I’d also ring the police. I’m sorry this is happening to your family.

No child deserves abuse.

Yes and I have done she’s 17 now and better without him

anyolddinosaur · 22/12/2023 20:06

Tbh I dont know what I would have done, in response to the original post, because breaking up a family is never easy . Telling you the child deserved it, though, would be the tipping point. A momentary lapse followed by deep regret is very different to an attitude suggesting it could be repeated.

huuskymam · 22/12/2023 20:07

If you don't leave him, then you will be forgiving him. And I would be calling the police on a grown arse man assaulting a child.

Partypop · 22/12/2023 20:07

@MindatWork but there have been a few threads over the years where mums have admitted to slapping kids around the face, just look at the responses if you can find the time to google. I’m probably derailing the thread so sorry, just an interesting case of double standards maybe?

WowOK · 22/12/2023 20:07

I think you need to talk about it. As a one off I wouldn't divorce him. I think he needs to apologise to your child. I think he would benifit from a parenting course. It's happened once it doesn't mean it will happen again. I imagine he's mortified. I'd be very clear that it's unacceptable behaviour. Ultimately, he's going to get unsupervised visitation with your child moving forward. Then you'll have no input in how he disciplines/ punishes.

Thinkbiglittleone · 22/12/2023 20:07

Absolutely I would.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 20:07

MindatWork · 22/12/2023 20:05

Everyone joining this thread please read ops updates - I can only hope some of the posters minimising this or comparing it to themselves losing their tag with their own kids hasn’t done this because:

  • He showed no remorse
  • He said DS ‘deserved it’
  • OP has said he doesn’t really bother with DS so is unlikely to go for 50/50 custody
  • It happened when she was out of the room so has probably happened before.

This is NOT the same a generally good and loving parent losing their rag once, smacking on the bum or leg and being mortified and upset they’ve hurt their child, followed by putting measures in place to make sure it never happens again. This is a grown man slapping a 5 year old ROUND THE FACE and not giving a shit.

And there is no way on gods green earth that if a mum posted on here saying she’d slapped her 5yo DS round the face (and said they deserved it) she be given sympathy and support.

Well done for leaving OP, you’re doing the best for your DS.

Yes I agree the no remorse aspect is particularly concerning.

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 20:07

I saw a man twist his sons arm behind his back once making him cry on the way home from primary school

When I asked him to please stop he actually twisted it harder

I took photos

Went to the school and reported him to the police

It made me feel sick and really upset

I was walking home with my DC who were a similar age but from a different school

NeonSoda · 22/12/2023 20:08

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 20:03

@NeonSoda Are you from the same generation as me? It was fairly normal for us growing up and kids at school would get the odd smack from their parents too. We even had a teacher who smacked a pupil on his back.

I am 38.

When we were at school it was illegal for a teacher to hit a child.

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