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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
TinkerTiger · 22/12/2023 19:41

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

It isn't a blanket rule. It has to be considered 'reasonable punishment'. I've done several safeguarding training sessions as part of my work and we were always told that smacking a child in the face (especially a child as young as 5) would not be considered reasonable.

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?
Chonk · 22/12/2023 19:42

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:31

This was my first thought. Neither me nor DH hit the kids but my eldest has a knack of getting right under your skin - he follows you about antagonising you too. My youngest is completely different so I’d think differently if it was him.

Show quote history

What the fuck?! You'd be less bothered if your husband hit your eldest son because you find him irritating yourself? This is unreal.

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:43

Whilst it's not OK, we've all lost our rag and I'm not proud of it, but I have hit my child more than once when the red mist set in. We have a lovely relationship and close bond. I've learnt to manage my triggers. Believe me, he will be feeling guilty and for the rest of his life.

TheCountIsPale · 22/12/2023 19:43

My dad apparently smacked me on the bum when I was 3 or 4. I was inconsolable and my dad was so upset he started crying. He never hit me again or any of my siblings. He was horrified. He had a bit of a temper, though, and this is why it came out in the first place.

Like you, I have never, ever, laid a finger on my kids and I have never even contemplated it. When I’ve been angry I’ve walked out to sit on the step outside. Most of us don’t lose our rag like that.

I think how your child’s father responds now will be very important. You mention he doesn’t pull his weight, that would be enough for me, but that on top of not being predictable around your kid, probably a bridge too far.

TheCountIsPale · 22/12/2023 19:44

Also I was a CP social worker - if a smack leaves a mark it can be considered significant harm under s47 of the children act.

PictureFrameWindow · 22/12/2023 19:45

I'd be so disappointed in my partner. Hitting in the face, hitting when you weren't there, I'd wonder how long this had been going on for. Can you ask your DS if he has been hit before? I can't see how my marriage would survive that breach of trust.

mommatoone · 22/12/2023 19:46

Wow all these 'red mist' moments. My god kids can be difficult , theres no denying that . But all this 'red mist' bollocks. How many adults have you slapped due to 'red mist' , none i bet!! Im appalled at the fact that some people think this is ok/ expected/ reasonable!

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:47

Chonk · 22/12/2023 19:42

What the fuck?! You'd be less bothered if your husband hit your eldest son because you find him irritating yourself? This is unreal.

Show quote history

Not irritating, antagonising. I’d be more likely to understand how the boiling point was reached, yes.

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 19:48

If he slapped you around the face it would be abusive. But he slapped a FIVE year old.

How would you ever trust that he wouldn't do it again? If he can't be around a little one without lashing out, how is he going to handle a mouthy teenager?

I agree that you need to take this really seriously, OP. I do hope your DH is realising the gravitas of what he's done.

daffodilandtulip · 22/12/2023 19:48

Phone the police because if you've got no proof and he takes you to court, you won't have a leg to stand on.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:49

mommatoone · 22/12/2023 19:46

Wow all these 'red mist' moments. My god kids can be difficult , theres no denying that . But all this 'red mist' bollocks. How many adults have you slapped due to 'red mist' , none i bet!! Im appalled at the fact that some people think this is ok/ expected/ reasonable!

To be clear that’s not what I said. It wouldn’t be reasonable, expected or ok. I just don’t know it would be an instant relationship breakdown for me.

I also seriously doubt social services would treat this with the gravity posters are suggesting. I have experience of social services owing to my own children’s violent half sibling and the young children involved endure much worse and it’s shrugged off.

Ostryga · 22/12/2023 19:49

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:43

Whilst it's not OK, we've all lost our rag and I'm not proud of it, but I have hit my child more than once when the red mist set in. We have a lovely relationship and close bond. I've learnt to manage my triggers. Believe me, he will be feeling guilty and for the rest of his life.

Wtf?? I bet you’ve never hit a work colleague no matter how much red mist you felt. Because you CAN control yourself, but you know there’s no consequences when it’s hidden in your own home and against someone who can’t hurt you back.

I remember every time my mum hit me, I fucking despise her now I’m an adult. We were close when I was a child.

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 19:49

My ex (father of my kids) did similar right in front of me, although it was in the ribs. Also threw medicine into her face. I stayed far too long (until she was 7) and it has had a very significant impact on her mental health.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:51

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:43

Whilst it's not OK, we've all lost our rag and I'm not proud of it, but I have hit my child more than once when the red mist set in. We have a lovely relationship and close bond. I've learnt to manage my triggers. Believe me, he will be feeling guilty and for the rest of his life.

You’ll get piled on but there’s plenty of parents who do the same. As you’ve acknowledged it’s not ok. But it happens.

MeinKraft · 22/12/2023 19:51

StaunchMomma · 22/12/2023 19:48

If he slapped you around the face it would be abusive. But he slapped a FIVE year old.

How would you ever trust that he wouldn't do it again? If he can't be around a little one without lashing out, how is he going to handle a mouthy teenager?

I agree that you need to take this really seriously, OP. I do hope your DH is realising the gravitas of what he's done.

Yes this is the problem. Even if it's never happened before (unlikely given he showed zero remorse), even if it may never happen again... how can you ever trust and believe him? You can't.

WeaselCheeks · 22/12/2023 19:52

As others have said, you need to phone the police. It might sound melodramatic, but he's assaulted a small child and shown no remorse. Perhaps if he'd been immediately horrified with himself there'd be a way back, but the fact he doubled down with "He deserves it" - you need to try to make sure that he doesn't get unsupervised visitation/custody, and a police report will help that.

Partypop · 22/12/2023 19:53

This is really interesting, I agree with all the posters saying abuse and chuck him out BTW, it’s totally wrong. However, if you search the many threads on mumsnet where mothers are admitting they lost it and smacked their child, the replies are very different.

NannyGythaOgg · 22/12/2023 19:54

I am older than most of you and from a time when 'smacking' wasn't something to be criticised at all. My children got tapped on the back of the hand, or swatted round a nappied bottom occasionally (and it was occasional)
Neither I, nor my husband never did any more than that - even though it was perfectly acceptable then.
A slap in the face is never and acceptable punishment for anyone never mind a young child

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 19:54

NannyGythaOgg · 22/12/2023 19:54

I am older than most of you and from a time when 'smacking' wasn't something to be criticised at all. My children got tapped on the back of the hand, or swatted round a nappied bottom occasionally (and it was occasional)
Neither I, nor my husband never did any more than that - even though it was perfectly acceptable then.
A slap in the face is never and acceptable punishment for anyone never mind a young child

Same here, I grew up where a smack on the bottom was the norm (I'm 40).

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 19:56

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

Some mothers have indeed slapped their children around the head - A friend saw it in a shoe shop once, the kid went flying. {aged about 8}

If the parent has been good tempered for nine years, something must have triggered this 'Rag losing'.
The son is five..this means five years of not smacking.

What triggered this?
If the relationship is usually good and calm, I'd look for the reason for the loss of temper- which is what it is.

Chances are he too was given a smack round the head as a child.

People can re-enact parenting styles unless they actively seek to look honestly at their parenting, and change it.

EG...Walking away if they feel frustrated with the child's behaviour.

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 19:57

MonkeyPuddle · 22/12/2023 18:53

Yes. I’d also ring the police. I’m sorry this is happening to your family.

No child deserves abuse.

This. I'd not allow any adult to assault my DC and that's what your DH did by slapping your DC in the face.

MamaMode · 22/12/2023 19:57

A fully grown man smacking a 5 year old around the face. That's completely unacceptable. Let's just hope the child doesn't not mention this at school when teachers ask him how his Christmas was

Ponderingwindow · 22/12/2023 19:58

I would call the police.
even if he didn’t end up prosecuted and sentenced, I would want the record of his actions for the impending custody dispute.

Hiddenvoice · 22/12/2023 19:58

I‘m glad you’re staying somewhere else tonight! You’re doing the right thing here. He hurt your child, all children are very hyper right now but your husband was in the wrong. He could of walked away, cooled down or stepped out of the room but instead he raised his hand.

When you’re ready, I think it’s a good idea to talk to ds about it. Gently ask how he is feeling and try figure out if he’s been hit before.

Mirrormeback · 22/12/2023 19:58

It's a very violent reaction I think to slap anyone around the face let alone a 5 year old

Your DS will remember this

You are absolutely doing the best thing and cutting your now EX-DP out of your life

I think it could cause a lot of issues down the line for your DC to have to deal with his complex feelings towards him and the fear involved

You have proven yourself to be a solid and brilliant mum.

We are all proud of you in not hesitating to chuck him out and ending things

It's as it should be

You both deserve better