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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
MamaGhina · 22/12/2023 19:21

Yeah there’s a massive difference between him being immediately remorseful and apologetic and hating himself to him saying ‘he deserved it’.

I would report to the police to protect myself, as someone said above you don’t want to appear to be ok with this.

I would “break up” my family in these circumstances. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worried it will happen again?

Abhannmor · 22/12/2023 19:23

In a word : yes.

Startingagainandagain · 22/12/2023 19:27

Leave him and report him to the police.

The people who are saying you should stay should be ashamed of themselves.

A grown man hitting a 5 year old in the face is unacceptable and he could have hurt him really badly (from the blow but also if he had caused him to fall down/backwards and hit his head on something as a result).

Also ignoring this would give him a green light to do it again...

I have nothing contempt for a woman who would allow her child to be hit like this.

My father hit me in the face for no reason whatsoever (he thought I was looking at him the 'wrong way'). I was sitting down and the blow made me fall sideways on the floor and I still have to this day a cut in my ear as a result. My mother stood there and did nothing.

I cut contact with them as an adult.

Protect your child.

peachgreen · 22/12/2023 19:27

Without question. And I’m baffled by those suggesting it’s more acceptable from a biological father than it would be a step or adoptive parent. Why?!

Mamofteenager · 22/12/2023 19:28

@Sintel in Wales it is absolutely against the law to smack a child. It was a new law introduced by the Senedd and rightly so in my opinion

MistletoeandJd · 22/12/2023 19:28

Leave.
Phone social services.

ttcat37 · 22/12/2023 19:28

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

It is not ‘perfectly legal’. It is illegal. There is a defence of ‘reasonable punishment’. What did this 5 year old do to be physically assaulted?

Floopani · 22/12/2023 19:29

I couldn't forgive this, it would be an immediate deal breaker for me. Let alone his reaction to slapping a tiny child around the face - he deserved it??

What would he do to a 13 year old being a normal teenager? Beat the shit out of him?

I can't believe those saying that sometimes parents just snap. Yes they do, but they don't tend to slap around the face hard enough for someone to hear and then storm off saying that child deserved it.

Lionandtheunicorn · 22/12/2023 19:30

SumthingAndNuthing · 22/12/2023 18:58

Why are you saying he’ll be back? He’s assaulted a 5 year old child, his foot should never be over the doorstep again. Report the assault to 101.

This is exactly what I thought. Your son suddenly not having Christmas in his own home could feel really worrying for him. Husband should stay elsewhere.

So sorry OP, you’re absolutely doing the right thing for the long term 💐

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:31

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

This was my first thought. Neither me nor DH hit the kids but my eldest has a knack of getting right under your skin - he follows you about antagonising you too. My youngest is completely different so I’d think differently if it was him.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/12/2023 19:32

I have no doubt that my DH would never ever hit either of our children anywhere on their body but, if he did, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him to leave and never come back. He was raised with physical punishment and we discussed it before DD1 was born and I made it clear that I would never accept it. He was in agreement.

Your poor little boy! His dad wasn’t even remorseful! No child deserves to be abused. Ever. No matter where on their body you are abusing them.

Dacadactyl · 22/12/2023 19:33

peachgreen · 22/12/2023 19:27

Without question. And I’m baffled by those suggesting it’s more acceptable from a biological father than it would be a step or adoptive parent. Why?!

I'm just thinking that way because I know my DH and know he has the kids best interests at heart, in a way that I don't believe a new partner would.

If my DH ever lashed out at the kids (which has never happened and eldest is 16) I would know for sure that he needed help and that there was something else going on. Because its just not how he acts.

In a newer relationship, I wouldn't wait around trying to get to the bottom of it, because I wouldn't know them in the same way if that makes sense.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:33

MamaGhina · 22/12/2023 19:21

Yeah there’s a massive difference between him being immediately remorseful and apologetic and hating himself to him saying ‘he deserved it’.

I would report to the police to protect myself, as someone said above you don’t want to appear to be ok with this.

I would “break up” my family in these circumstances. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worried it will happen again?

Realistically the father will be allowed unsupervised access to his child at some point in the future. The courts will not permanently prevent contact because of this one incident.

OP stays she can monitor with her own eyes.

OP goes and at some point the choice of supervision won’t be hers to make.

Nagado · 22/12/2023 19:34

I think that men like this tend to retaliate for all sorts of reasons. So once he realises that you are actually taking this seriously, he’ll fight back and do things just to make your life difficult. So for that reason I’d be up at A&E getting him checked out (purely because it’s a hit to the head and you don’t want to mess about with children that young) to get it documented and then I’d report it to the police. The hospital will report to Social Services who will have a chat with you and be quite happy when they see how seriously you’re taking it. You cannot bank on him being too lazy to go for joint custody just to be nasty and you do not want this man having unsupervised contact if his attitude is that a child ‘deserves’ a slap for being over excited at Christmas.

Nagado · 22/12/2023 19:36

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:33

Realistically the father will be allowed unsupervised access to his child at some point in the future. The courts will not permanently prevent contact because of this one incident.

OP stays she can monitor with her own eyes.

OP goes and at some point the choice of supervision won’t be hers to make.

Show quote history

A very valid point, sadly. He’s a bullying shit.

sukisuky · 22/12/2023 19:36

As a social worker, you need to report this to the police asap. Especially if you are planning on leaving him etc.

ChihuahuaMummy · 22/12/2023 19:36

Slapping across the face is not at all acceptable. I'm not sure what I would do to be honest. If it was a light smack on the bottom done out of discipline, it wouldn't necessarily bother me but across the face is too far.

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 19:36

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:05

I think he was hoping I wouldn't know, but i was heading up to the toilet and heard what sounded like a slap and was horrified when I went in and saw DS- he said well he deserved it and walked downstairs as if nothing had happened. I prioritised making sure DS was okay and then once he was settled tried to talk about it but he didn't want to know.

Thanks for the messages, my DB is here playing with DS whilst I get a bag ready before we head over to his, so I best get the bag sorted but I'll read through later. It's useful to get different points of view as I'm still running on adrenaline I think.

Show quote history

So it was coincidental you witnessed it?

Yea my relationship would be over if this happened. I could never trust him again and it sounds as if he hasn’t even recognised what he did was wrong.

sorry op. What a hard time of year for that to happen.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 19:36

Nagado · 22/12/2023 19:34

I think that men like this tend to retaliate for all sorts of reasons. So once he realises that you are actually taking this seriously, he’ll fight back and do things just to make your life difficult. So for that reason I’d be up at A&E getting him checked out (purely because it’s a hit to the head and you don’t want to mess about with children that young) to get it documented and then I’d report it to the police. The hospital will report to Social Services who will have a chat with you and be quite happy when they see how seriously you’re taking it. You cannot bank on him being too lazy to go for joint custody just to be nasty and you do not want this man having unsupervised contact if his attitude is that a child ‘deserves’ a slap for being over excited at Christmas.

Social services allow parents to do far worse and retain unsupervised access. I really wouldn’t rely on them to set the bar here.

ObliviousCoalmine · 22/12/2023 19:37

Yes I'd end it. I'd also report it, particularly because you said you feel like you don't trust him now. Reporting it will help any argument down the line about concerns over his safety while in the care of his dad.

"Red mist" or not, it is a small child. You don't slap them.

Thatsnotevenmyusername · 22/12/2023 19:37

Oh god OP 💐

Violence against children should always be completely unacceptable. I have a 5 yo DD and if my DH ever slapped her or younger DD he would never lay eyes on any of us ever again. So sorry this has happened to you and this close to Christmas. Please reach out to family and friends for support IRL. All the best x x

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 19:37

If my partner was a complete mess after doing it, told me he’d get help and moved out temporarily then over months proved that it was a one off and he’d gone to great lengths to prevent a reoccurrence of similar behaviour I’d potentially consider it, although I know I’d find it incredibly difficult to move on. You don’t have that though, you have someone who isn’t apologetic at all and attributed blame for his actions to a small vulnerable child. On that basis alone I’d be doing exactly what you’re doing and I wouldn’t look back.

NotARealWookiie · 22/12/2023 19:37

pastaandpesto · 22/12/2023 18:56

Yes, hitting a five year old child around the face absolutely unforgivable and there would be no possible way back from that.

(in comparison, a smack on the bottom would be completely unacceptable to me, but as a one off it could be attributed to their own childhood norms, and I could forgive as a one off assuming it was never, ever repeated).

I came on to comment this. I’m sorry but slapping a five year old in the face…unacceptable.

if your child mentions it at school I would anticipate it being reported to social services and you will need to explain to them the steps you have taken to protect the child. Ending the relationship and refusing unsupervised contact would be reasonable.

NeonSoda · 22/12/2023 19:39

I would leave a partner who would, or had ever, hit a child or an animal.

I would also leave a partner who hit another adult in anything other than self defence.

mommatoone · 22/12/2023 19:40

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

Are you for fuckin real!? . How would you feel, as an adult if someone smacked you in the face? ! This is a five year old child. I hope to god you dont have children with that kind of attitude.

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