Page 12 | Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

keffie12 · 22/12/2023 22:44

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

Stay gone, and don't look back ever. The ex was violent to me. I stayed cos I knew no different. I witnessed it in childhood. My dad turned on me in my teens. Mom didn't leave. Difreewht time then in the 70s.

When the ex turned on our eldest son (15), that's when we went. 4 children 15, 13, 11, and 4 with nothing but our clothes. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath.

I rebuilt our lives, and we are all happy and stable. The noe adult children have good happy lives, good jobs, and stable families of their own.

Stay gone, don't allow unsupervised access, and well done for getting out now

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 22:47

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:13

Jesus, are you serious? You'd let a grown man assault your small child?

Fuck that.

Listen, if he says, "I fucked up, I'm so ashamed, I can't believe I was capable of doing such a heinous thing, I'm leaving the family home so you can feel safe and I'm going to find a therapist immediately," then maybe at some point down the line, you might think about considering trying to rebuild the trust.

But what did this man do, after slapping his tiny child around the face? Refused to even talk about it.

And you think it would be a shame to throw him out?

This.

However, as his father he automatically has rights to see him unsupervised unless you carefully document things I would report to police and/or call a dv charity for advice on your next steps

keffie12 · 22/12/2023 22:48

PS; It will happen again. Also, contact women's aid for support as they support with, the aftermath, too

PieSkyFly · 22/12/2023 22:48

Glad you're able to get some headspace at your brother's.

I would report this personally:
🔸Yes it's probably not illegal sadly but I'd want it on record in case of future concerns, it's a piece of a puzzle that you might need "on paper" down the line sadly.
🔸 If you don't and ds tells a teacher at school that doesn't look good on you.
🔸It gives him a clear message how you view it too.
🔸It's official. No sweeping it under the rug mentally.
I'd also mention it to school yourself when ds goes back in case he mentions it and so they can support him if he needs any emotional support.

In answer to your op, yes I absolutely would leave. Reading your further posts I agree it adds to the picture. He wasn't bothered after which to me makes it different to a parent that looses it in the moment but is stricken and guilty about it, he didn't even care! And saying he barely bothers with him too, it adds to a picture about what sort of parent and partner is and you both deserve better.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 22:49

peachgreen · 22/12/2023 19:27

Without question. And I’m baffled by those suggesting it’s more acceptable from a biological father than it would be a step or adoptive parent. Why?!

Not more acceptable. But if a step parent then op is able to walk out no strings attached. If a father with parental responsibility he will of course have right to unsupervised contact and that could be even more dangerous so she needs to consider how to manage this carefully and seek proper advice she can't just flee and expect to never hear from him again.

porridgeisbae · 22/12/2023 22:50

Report it to the police @Silentflights so he can't have unsupervised contact with your child in future and do it again.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 22:50

@LetMeOut2021 you need family therapy please for all your sakes

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 22:51

Nagado · 22/12/2023 19:34

I think that men like this tend to retaliate for all sorts of reasons. So once he realises that you are actually taking this seriously, he’ll fight back and do things just to make your life difficult. So for that reason I’d be up at A&E getting him checked out (purely because it’s a hit to the head and you don’t want to mess about with children that young) to get it documented and then I’d report it to the police. The hospital will report to Social Services who will have a chat with you and be quite happy when they see how seriously you’re taking it. You cannot bank on him being too lazy to go for joint custody just to be nasty and you do not want this man having unsupervised contact if his attitude is that a child ‘deserves’ a slap for being over excited at Christmas.

Agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 22:56

@LetMeOut2021 my ex tells me regularly he finds me antagonizing (when I do things like expect him to show up when he says he'll show up) does this mean you'd understand if the red mist made him slap me?

firsttimemum1212 · 22/12/2023 22:57

No. I think that it would be dramatic to if there’s no other issues as you said and he didn’t do it again.

tbh I was hit growing up, whilst I won’t hit my children, I don’t see it the same way but I am also from a different culture (and children tend to be better behaved)

FlyingCherub · 22/12/2023 22:57

I think the thing that would bother me the most is that your DP lost control.

If he won't apologise or see any wrong in his behaviour, then you've 100% taken the right course of action here. I'm glad you're being looked after, this must be an awful shock.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/12/2023 23:01

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:05

Thanks all, at my brothers now luckily it's not far away and DS is asleep. I wanted to leave the house just because I can't deal with him tonight if and when he comes back- not because I think he'll be violent (although who knows now) but just because it's very overwhelming and I need some space. He knows how I feel though, and logistically I am privileged enough to have options with housing (I inherited some money a few months back which I could use to rent somewhere if needed) so thankfully it's not a deal breaker if he comes back to our home. We pay 50/50 and the paperwork reflects that so can sort out sometime, just focusing on the coming days.

I do agree with those saying its out of character, but as PP has said I have no way to know if he's done it before. I don't think he has as he isn't alone with him much to be honest as pathetic as that is, he's not a very engaged parent. Its the lack of remorse that scared me as much as the actual slap I think, he didn't seem bothered and seemed annoyed I wanted to talk about it. Thankfully it hasn't left a mark, but do wonder if as has been said should report it on the non emergency line?

All this makes your decision to leave him even more straightforward you and your ds won't miss out on much and he'll be safer

porridgeisbae · 22/12/2023 23:05

tbh I was hit growing up, whilst I won’t hit my children, I don’t see it the same way but I am also from a different culture (and children tend to be better behaved)

It tends to be frowned on nowadays. Also I think a smack in the face is worse than a spanking on the leg or something and people would've thought so even a generation ago. IDK about you but my parents never slapped me round the face.

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 23:08

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2023 19:13

Jesus, are you serious? You'd let a grown man assault your small child?

Fuck that.

Listen, if he says, "I fucked up, I'm so ashamed, I can't believe I was capable of doing such a heinous thing, I'm leaving the family home so you can feel safe and I'm going to find a therapist immediately," then maybe at some point down the line, you might think about considering trying to rebuild the trust.

But what did this man do, after slapping his tiny child around the face? Refused to even talk about it.

And you think it would be a shame to throw him out?

Who are you talking to? I can’t see any suggestion from OP that she would let a man assault her child. All I’m seeing is a strong OP who has said ’I asked him to leave immediately’.

VanityDiesHard · 22/12/2023 23:14

firsttimemum1212 · 22/12/2023 22:57

No. I think that it would be dramatic to if there’s no other issues as you said and he didn’t do it again.

tbh I was hit growing up, whilst I won’t hit my children, I don’t see it the same way but I am also from a different culture (and children tend to be better behaved)

You're quite incorrect. It isn't 'dramatic' it is basic parenting and the OP would be seriously failing her son if she accepts this.

Livelovebehappy · 22/12/2023 23:14

as it’s the first time this has happened, I would sort out family counselling for you all to attend. I think it’s too ott to report this isolated incident to the police. I’ve seen comments on Mumsnet when a mother has slapped their child in a heated moment totally empathising with her, and telling her not to beat herself up about it. Would op want to see the father of her child in a police cell, possibly getting a police record which could ultimately lead to job loss with a knock on affect for family finances, and probable alienation from family and friends for one incident?

Useruser1212 · 22/12/2023 23:17

Actually @Sintel it's not "perfectly legal to smack your child" according to citizens advice UK "As a parent, you don't have the legal right to smack your child unless it is 'reasonable punishment". Do you think smacking a child because they are excited REQUIRED a punishment?? Let alone be a reasonable punishment!? I hope you don't have children in your care. Thankfully in Ireland (where I am) is illegal to harm your child in any type of way and the "reasonable punishment" laws have been completely outlawed, as they should be in the UK!

Seeleyboo · 22/12/2023 23:19

Fucking hell. If he slapped you, how would you react. Call the police. Change the locks and be done. Poor little boy.

VanityDiesHard · 22/12/2023 23:20

Livelovebehappy · 22/12/2023 23:14

as it’s the first time this has happened, I would sort out family counselling for you all to attend. I think it’s too ott to report this isolated incident to the police. I’ve seen comments on Mumsnet when a mother has slapped their child in a heated moment totally empathising with her, and telling her not to beat herself up about it. Would op want to see the father of her child in a police cell, possibly getting a police record which could ultimately lead to job loss with a knock on affect for family finances, and probable alienation from family and friends for one incident?

I'm normally the first one to point out the double standards on Mumsnet, but here I really don't think it's appropriate. FWIW, if I saw a mother hitting her child across the face I would call the police, and if a mother on here had admitted doing that I would not empathise with her and tell her it was ok. I would be telling her to attend anger management sessions. As for 'do you want him in jail for one incident' how do you know this hasn't happened before? The OP says she is ok financially, so she doesn't need to worry about his loss of income impacting her son's quality of life. I don't quite understand why you are seeking to minimise this man's awful behaviour, but you are wrong to do so. He is a bully who physically assaults the vulnerable, and shows no remorse for doing so. He deserves to be 'alienated', just as the OP's son deserves to be protected.

Seeleyboo · 22/12/2023 23:21

2nd post. It's hard to believe he's never done anything like this before. From what you describe, he may have been abusing him in secret. Otherwise, why did the little one not run screaming.

VanityDiesHard · 22/12/2023 23:22

Seeleyboo · 22/12/2023 23:21

2nd post. It's hard to believe he's never done anything like this before. From what you describe, he may have been abusing him in secret. Otherwise, why did the little one not run screaming.

Sadly, I fear you are probably correct, which is all the more reason for the OP to get the hell out of dodge.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/12/2023 23:32

Yes- certainly for hitting him in the FACE. You can't trust him after this.

JadeandGreen · 22/12/2023 23:33

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 19:06

I agree with this. Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to split up your family over one slap in 5 years. You need to speak to your partner to find out what is going on for him.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter what is going on with him! He slapped a 5 year old in the face! There is nothing to discuss!

Outliers · 22/12/2023 23:40

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

This tbh.

The responses to this are a bit nonsensical.

blackpanth · 22/12/2023 23:42

Yes