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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
DiaryOfaTTCer · 22/12/2023 21:55

@NonPlayerCharacter

😂😂😂😂

I have a child now thanks, and he's doing wonderfully.

Shock horror - he even gets looked after regularly by the abusive mother who slapped me once in the 90s!

I've worked professionally with young people from the age of 3 all the way up to the age of 18 since 2010, and have attended all manner of safeguarding training from child sexual exploitation, to suicide prevention to domestic violence. In fact, my best friend is an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor! She knows me, and she knows my family, so I think I'll take my advice on family relationships and healthy parenting from her thanks.

I'm doing okay in terms of modelling good behaviours to my child and family but thanks for checking.

JANEY205 · 22/12/2023 21:58

Slapping his face would be so much more serious for me than if he had smacked his hand or bottom. All unacceptable but the slapping of his face is really shocking and tells me it came from rage and not because your son was damaging something/grabbing at something etc. And the poor wee thing was just excited over Christmas?

Crazycrazylady · 22/12/2023 21:59

Like lots of others I slapped ds2 once . We were in the car crossing a road and he reached across and pressed the hand break and the car stalled jn the middle of the road. I got such a fright that I reached out and slapped him across the back of the head .. I felt instant guilt. Apologised to him profusely.

You dps reaction after slapping a 5 year old across the face saying he deserves it is really quiet terrifying to me.
Even if you wanted to forgive him , how could you ever walk out the door again leaving him with your child. How is it possible to have a relationship with some one you're afraid to leave your child with .? I honestly don't think it is .

I'm sorry op. This is just so rubbish

Thegoodbadandugly · 22/12/2023 21:59

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

There's a difference between a tap on the bottom and a slap across the face!!! It's Christmas most children are excited and playing up! You don't know how many times it's happened when you've not been there, what next time??? Sorry that would be him out for me.

Beago1dfish · 22/12/2023 21:59

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 20:41

Sending love to all of you, especially those speaking of their past.

I am wondering how to talk through things with DS but for now he's asleep and safe and I'm wrapped up with a hot chocolate, being waited on hand and foot by my lovely DB and his wonderful wife. I will read through all of the posts but going to have a proper chat with them for now so will be offline for a bit.

I do really appreciate the replies, I am fortunate enough to have a real life support network but I don't feel up to all of the messages and offers of help this evening (I know that sounds ungrateful and I do realise I am so privileged to have them) but will do for sure tomorrow.

I think (as a parent and a teacher) kids appreciate age appropriate honesty. “What daddy did was wrong and I’m just trying to make things best for you” is all he’ll need for now. Plus knowing you love him and are concerned he’s ok. Good luck, I’m glad your brother and his wife are so lovely x

8misskitty8 · 22/12/2023 21:59

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

Depends where OP lives. Smacking is not perfectly legal in Scotland. It is a criminal offence.

MeridianB · 22/12/2023 22:00

He slapped a 5yo in the face, said he deserved and walked off.

Slapping a child in the face is horrendous. And his response after is chilling. It wasn’t a moment of madness, he’s not sorry and thinks your little boy deserved it - all of which massively compounds the slap. So no, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.

Hope you and your son are OK.

LittleMissSunshiner · 22/12/2023 22:05

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:00

This did flash through my mind, that it was a one off but I just feel sick at it. I know that sounds dramatic and I'm far from a saint myself (I have raised my voice before but never ever been physical) but I'd been with DS all day, and he can't spend 2 minutes alone with him without losing his rag to the point of slapping him around the face? I did try and talk about it while DS was watching TV once I'd calmed him down etc but he didn't want to no; so I said just get out and I can't see him bothering to discuss. I doubt he'd want 50/50 as he doesn't pull his weight now, but if he did that'd be a bridge to cross but for me not a reason to stay.

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Stick with your intuition OP

I know your little one is only five but perhaps there are ways you can discuss with him what happened - or seek out professional advice or even guidance from mothers here on MN so that your little boy knows how to recognise and verbalise that someone has hurt him and for you to ensure he knows it's always wrong no matter who did it.

I would definitely stay separate from your partner and insist that he takes counselling to address this violent act

I wonder if / how many times he's done it before when you're not present?

HomeDilemma23 · 22/12/2023 22:14

I think I would. A smack on the bottom is one thing, absolutely not okay (I was belted as a little one) but if he apologised and made amends with DS I think I could move past. A smack on the face? No

VanityDiesHard · 22/12/2023 22:16

Sintel · 22/12/2023 18:57

No I wouldn't if there were no other red flags. He's lots his rag. Plenty of mums on here have admitted to giving their kid a slap in a red mist moment and simply been told to move on. You need more help with your parenting strategies and to work together.

The cold truth is that it's perfectly legal to smack your kid if you so choose. There's no reason to think he wouldn't get 50:50 and you wouldn't be there to help facilitate the relationship. So no wouldn't leave.

As well as being appalling advice, this is actually untrue. It is not 'perfectly legal' to hit your child. 'Reasonable punishment' is legal, which means restraint if the child is running amok and a potential danger to themselves, but you can't just smack a kid because you feel like it. I'm not saying that a slap around the face would reach court, but it could do, especially if it was hard enough to leave a mark.

AInightingale · 22/12/2023 22:19

Really could you trust your son alone with him, if you were off out somewhere? It's no basis for family life - having to be there 24/7 to safeguard a child against a father's vile temper. No.

TheBeef · 22/12/2023 22:21

Yes

Sugargliderwombat · 22/12/2023 22:23

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:00

This did flash through my mind, that it was a one off but I just feel sick at it. I know that sounds dramatic and I'm far from a saint myself (I have raised my voice before but never ever been physical) but I'd been with DS all day, and he can't spend 2 minutes alone with him without losing his rag to the point of slapping him around the face? I did try and talk about it while DS was watching TV once I'd calmed him down etc but he didn't want to no; so I said just get out and I can't see him bothering to discuss. I doubt he'd want 50/50 as he doesn't pull his weight now, but if he did that'd be a bridge to cross but for me not a reason to stay.

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I'm sure lots of others have pointed it out but no, it is not legal to slap a child around the face.

LilyPAnderson · 22/12/2023 22:27

When I was young there was a comic book where the main character would be hit by his father with a slipper at the end of every story. Strange to think that was normal not too long ago.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 22:29

LilyPAnderson · 22/12/2023 22:27

When I was young there was a comic book where the main character would be hit by his father with a slipper at the end of every story. Strange to think that was normal not too long ago.

Wasn't that Dennis the Menace?

sukisuky · 22/12/2023 22:29

@DragonFly98 yes it is, if it leaves a mark it is a crime.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 22:31

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 22:29

Wasn't that Dennis the Menace?

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Yes...Dennis the Menace..
Corporal punishment completely normalised...Plus the caning scene in Kes was actually done in real life.

AInightingale · 22/12/2023 22:33

Yes, I remember that. Minnie the Minx etc. But whacking a child anywhere on the head was never acceptable in recent modern times.

I also heard a lot of people of the older generation speak about not smacking a little girl even on the rear, as it might cause 'damage' to her. Although I recall corporal punishment at school, I don't think girls ever got the cane on the backside, so this might have come from the same way of thinking - they got the ruler or cane over the hand only.

Jennybeans401 · 22/12/2023 22:33

I was around 8 when my mother slapped me hard on the face. I was crying because the iron she had left precariously balanced in the shoe cupboard fell on my head. I have always remembered it despite her never hitting me across the face again.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 22:34

Kes...This was also normal in schools til 1984.

Kes (the cane scene)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tU8kQWnXVg

DragonFly98 · 22/12/2023 22:36

sukisuky · 22/12/2023 22:29

@DragonFly98 yes it is, if it leaves a mark it is a crime.

Yes but the op said it didn't leave a mark

LovesFood1987 · 22/12/2023 22:38

I'm sorry he slapped your 5 year old in the face?! What?!

Absolutely I would not accept this at all and you need to show your child how you will put them first, stand up for him and that it's an unacceptable way for an adult to behave.

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 22:42

LovesFood1987 · 22/12/2023 22:38

I'm sorry he slapped your 5 year old in the face?! What?!

Absolutely I would not accept this at all and you need to show your child how you will put them first, stand up for him and that it's an unacceptable way for an adult to behave.

Edited

Good luck with that. He’d probably end up with unsupervised access to your child if you left and would be legally entitled to that.

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 22:42

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:00

This did flash through my mind, that it was a one off but I just feel sick at it. I know that sounds dramatic and I'm far from a saint myself (I have raised my voice before but never ever been physical) but I'd been with DS all day, and he can't spend 2 minutes alone with him without losing his rag to the point of slapping him around the face? I did try and talk about it while DS was watching TV once I'd calmed him down etc but he didn't want to no; so I said just get out and I can't see him bothering to discuss. I doubt he'd want 50/50 as he doesn't pull his weight now, but if he did that'd be a bridge to cross but for me not a reason to stay.

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I think reporting this to police now would help towards making sure he doesn’t get 50/50 access in future.

Well done for taking such swift action, it’s quite rare and 100% the right move.

mottytotty · 22/12/2023 22:44

Veryirritating · 22/12/2023 22:42

Good luck with that. He’d probably end up with unsupervised access to your child if you left and would be legally entitled to that.

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Stop scaremongering. Men like this very rarely want much access to their child. He will move on to the next target.

OP, leaving is 100% the right decision.

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