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Original poster

Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

388 replies

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 18:52

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

OP posts:
Trytheweebabyquiche · 22/12/2023 23:48

Livelovebehappy · 22/12/2023 23:14

as it’s the first time this has happened, I would sort out family counselling for you all to attend. I think it’s too ott to report this isolated incident to the police. I’ve seen comments on Mumsnet when a mother has slapped their child in a heated moment totally empathising with her, and telling her not to beat herself up about it. Would op want to see the father of her child in a police cell, possibly getting a police record which could ultimately lead to job loss with a knock on affect for family finances, and probable alienation from family and friends for one incident?

Yep, that’s exactly what I would want to see if ANYONE laid hands on my child.

It’s the first time that @Silentflights knows of. He could have done it loads of times before. And he will do it again if he knows he can get away with it- it’s a quick, easy and lazy way for him to let out his frustration, why would he change that if he doesn’t have to?

Counselling is not recommended with abusers. The dad could go for counselling to try to learn to take responsibility for his actions and control his temper- but not in a million years should a small child be expected to go to family therapy with an adult that hits them. What exactly is the child supposed to learn from that?!

bonzaitree · 22/12/2023 23:50

Yes I would leave my partner in this scenario.

As in I would pack bags and be gone with my children within an hour. Id not be back.

Completely unacceptable and unforgivable behaviour.

LilyPAnderson · 22/12/2023 23:50

Wouldn't the police not do anything without proof? I was stalked and harassed by a man and went to the police twice, but the police didn't do anything as I didn't have proof.

ConnieCroydon · 22/12/2023 23:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

BlackPanther75 · 22/12/2023 23:52

contrary13 · 22/12/2023 21:46

If my partner slapped our child in front of me... I would start to wonder what he'd do to that child when I wasn't standing there, I'm afraid.

At the end of the day, we choose to be with our partners, but our children don't choose to be born. We ultimately make that decision for them, so the least that we, as their mothers, can do is go above and beyond to make sure that they're safe and well-cared for, that they grow in an environment where they don't walk on eggshells for fear of getting a smack, or (and this isn't the case here, one hopes) emotionally/sexually abused by someone pertaining to be their father.

Flowers

Well it’s not really a mother father thing is it. Plenty of horrific and abusive mothers out there and there’s no point pretending there isn’t. Plenty of loving gentle fathers too.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 22/12/2023 23:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Exactly this.

hazeleyednerd · 22/12/2023 23:54

Silentflights · 22/12/2023 19:05

I think he was hoping I wouldn't know, but i was heading up to the toilet and heard what sounded like a slap and was horrified when I went in and saw DS- he said well he deserved it and walked downstairs as if nothing had happened. I prioritised making sure DS was okay and then once he was settled tried to talk about it but he didn't want to know.

Thanks for the messages, my DB is here playing with DS whilst I get a bag ready before we head over to his, so I best get the bag sorted but I'll read through later. It's useful to get different points of view as I'm still running on adrenaline I think.

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This is the chilling bit for me.
The slap itself was abhorrent, but the way he just said that your DS deserved it and then walked off? That was vile and shows his true colours. Way to go on taking immediate steps to get your DS and yourself out of there so that you can be safe and supported while you work out the next steps.

heartsinvisiblefury · 22/12/2023 23:55

Yes

Trytheweebabyquiche · 22/12/2023 23:58

BlackPanther75 · 22/12/2023 23:52

Well it’s not really a mother father thing is it. Plenty of horrific and abusive mothers out there and there’s no point pretending there isn’t. Plenty of loving gentle fathers too.

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True, but domestic violence is heavily gendered- men in the household are statistically far more dangerous to children than women.

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 23/12/2023 00:00

It really is eye opening how the responses here (by which I refer only to those on page one prior to OP revealing his lack of remorse, and bare minimum parenting approach) compare to those of an old Mumsnet post by a mum who hit her five year old girl round the head with a bag of frozen veg in the supermarket. That one had three pages of replies, only one of which offered condemnation (and one that questioned whether the husband might be in some way to blame). Would be interesting to see the responses if the partner here was extremely remorseful and didn’t have a history of doing the bare minimum as a father.

Copperoliverbear · 23/12/2023 00:01

Yes 100% but I'd also slap his face very hard to see how he likes it.

Sintel · 23/12/2023 00:04

Family counselling is definitely the way to go here. People really aren't understanding that she doesn't have the option of removing her child from this man. Yes she can leave and he will get 50:50. This isn't remotely going to trigger the level at which social services would require supervised visitation. The outcome for this child will be being left in the care of a man who badly needs help with his parenting strategies. He will simply entrench his views of smacking as discipline.

The most abhorrent thing to me is people brainlessly encouraging her to leave. It's exactly the scenario where he will be least protected. I'd at least try to get him to engage with a professional who can give him some tools and help him understand why this isn't ok.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 00:05

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 23/12/2023 00:00

It really is eye opening how the responses here (by which I refer only to those on page one prior to OP revealing his lack of remorse, and bare minimum parenting approach) compare to those of an old Mumsnet post by a mum who hit her five year old girl round the head with a bag of frozen veg in the supermarket. That one had three pages of replies, only one of which offered condemnation (and one that questioned whether the husband might be in some way to blame). Would be interesting to see the responses if the partner here was extremely remorseful and didn’t have a history of doing the bare minimum as a father.

Had she done it on purpose and was she convinced that it was ok because the child deserved it?

Im asking genuinely, I don’t think I ever saw that thread.

raspberrybeeret · 23/12/2023 00:08

No one here can tell you - so many other factors at play and if a terrible action can be forgiven or not. Stop the noise and listen to yourself.

MacLaine · 23/12/2023 00:09

Yes, I would, and I say this as someone who isn’t opposed to using spanking as a discipline method.

What your partner has done is a completely different issue.

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 23/12/2023 00:09

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 00:05

Had she done it on purpose and was she convinced that it was ok because the child deserved it?

Im asking genuinely, I don’t think I ever saw that thread.

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Yes on purpose but not premeditated.

’was she convinced that it was ok because the child deserved it?’ - this aspect is why I put in the comment that I only refer to page one of this thread, prior to this revelation, as after that info the cases diverge.

Copperoliverbear · 23/12/2023 00:10

I'd report as I will help you go for supervised access if he wants access.
Also i sense you are not that happy in your relationship anyway, I'd definitely ask him to leave , he doesn't seem a good father or a good support to you x

FrenchieF · 23/12/2023 00:10

Yes I did but wish I’d done it sooner and called the police

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/12/2023 00:11

Dacadactyl · Yesterday 18:57
**
As it was out of character I'd try to get to the bottom of it if it was my DH, who is the father of my child.
**
If my DH wasn't the father of my child I wouldn't stand for it though.”

WHAT?

Trytheweebabyquiche · 23/12/2023 00:12

MyCakeyBakeyHeart · 23/12/2023 00:09

Yes on purpose but not premeditated.

’was she convinced that it was ok because the child deserved it?’ - this aspect is why I put in the comment that I only refer to page one of this thread, prior to this revelation, as after that info the cases diverge.

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Well wtf would drive you to do that?! Clearly another one who needs to take herself for therapy and anger management.

AlwaysGinPlease · 23/12/2023 00:21

I would call the police and file for divorce. Your husband might go further than a slap next time so you need to get rid immediately. You're married to an abuser.

elm26 · 23/12/2023 00:29

Smacking a 5 year old's face is unforgivable IMO.

DH is the love of my life, childhood sweethearts etc etc but let me tell you if ever I saw a day where he laid hands on our DD, hell would freeze over before I ever let him back through our door.

I feel for you and your poor DS, like PP's have said, this probably isn't the first time he's done it. Please keep you and DS safe and away from this vile person.

LittleMissSunshiner · 23/12/2023 00:34

There's definitely something 'extra' about the manner of the slap.

I was dragged up in the 70s by parents who had no issue with smacking / spanking as punishment. Raps on the hand, back of legs, hard hits on the backside, thwonks around the head sort of thing.

My father being a naturally violent man with a short fuse, also ex army, trained wrestler and boxer, was generally terrifying and acted out physical dominance in all sorts of weird ways such as suddenly throwing you to the ground and putting you in a 'hold' and giving a dead leg or something really hilarious. Not exactly difficult for a 30 year old man versus a five year old child... insert endless eyerolls

Anyhow, I can honestly say in this midst of this madness did no-one ever smack a child directly around the face and that really shocks me that this was the method of violence used here.

I think because it doesn't fit in with any form of 'corporal punishment' model that even if you believe in smacking your kids, slapping them in the face isn't even a method.

Although 'I'll wipe that smirk off your face' used to be a common threat.

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 00:39

Ostryga · 22/12/2023 19:49

Wtf?? I bet you’ve never hit a work colleague no matter how much red mist you felt. Because you CAN control yourself, but you know there’s no consequences when it’s hidden in your own home and against someone who can’t hurt you back.

I remember every time my mum hit me, I fucking despise her now I’m an adult. We were close when I was a child.

Edited
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Bore off!

LittleMissSunshiner · 23/12/2023 00:47

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 00:39

Bore off!

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Whut!? Why would you say such a thing?

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