Would you leave your partner if they hit your child?

[Silentflights]

Hello,

I don't feel ready to talk about it in real life, but this evening my partner slapped our son in the face. He is 5, he has been hyper today but its all of the excitement and change of routine- he's not been lashing out or anything else (not that it would make it acceptable anyway); I am horrified. I asked him to leave immediately and he's gone to his brothers but he will be back I'm sure. He's never even really raised his voice before (and I've been with him for 9 years), definitely never been violent. I don't think I'm being dramatic in not forgiving this though, he could have walked away if he was getting wound up. I don't trust him around DS anymore and I don't want DS to think this behaviour is acceptable.

I don't know if it's rash to leave because of this one incident, but I always promised myself that if any man was abusive towards our child I'd leave immediately and I want to. Its throwing away stability and an otherwise decent relationship- but anyone would do the same right? Or would you?

How terrible.
I think you both need to do a parenting course together.
After you separate you will want to trust that smacking is not part of DH discipline routine when you are not there.
You should learn other strategies together so you can always discuss your son and how best to cope in different situations.

DH might leave but you two will have to co-parent for the next fifteen years. Slapping your own child is legal so it's likely that your son will have to spend some time with his father. It is best that he spends time with his Dad and sees Dad behaving gently.

I had to mull this one over. Feel free to put me in my place if I'm off base everyone.

I've read many threads here by mums who are mortified that they lost their shit and smacked their kids. The majority of replies are supportive, along the lines of: You know you were wrong, apologize and never do it again. We all break sometimes, etc.

So, I am slightly leaning toward that approach, only if it is truly a one-off ... however.
What I can't get past is OP's spouse saying, Well, he deserved it. That, coupled with the OP's description of spouse not being engaged with son, doesn't give me a lot of confidence the hitting won't happen again. It seems to me spouse has an issue that needs to be sorted, fast, or don't take chances and get rid. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread where a mum has hit their child across the face and then said they deserved it and mn has/would support that.

The spouse is abusive, he probably has been abusing this poor little boy for a long, long time. It’s only by chance op found out.

We don’t need to be questioning or trying to explain away. He is abusive, the little boy is being abused. We need to support op to get her child away from him.

As I said, I have read posts similar from mums. But, yes, this has red flags all over it as no remorse has been shown. I might be of a mind to install nanny cams for further evidence... and seek advice from the domestic abuse hotline. 🤔
Thank you for your pov. I'd hate to be in OP's shoes. The smack on the face will never be forgotten by her DS. I know that for a fact.

I just want to comment on all the posts saying he would get 50:50 access to their son. It's not that easy for a father to get a joint 'live with' order. My DH has been trying for 11 years and he has been told numerous times that he won't get it.

my husband has smacked my son on his hand before, for making another child cry at school, I was furious. Violence isn’t a discipline technique, it’s aggressive control. It’s not the way to parent.

I remember some of the hidings I got, it can take decades to reconcile with what happened.

To discuss my hypothetical response to a post on mumsnet that isn’t relevant to my own family situation, as it has neither happened, nor do I believe there’s a realistic threat of it happening.

i can think of better things to spend my money on. 🤔 you on the other hand would benefit from some comprehension skills.

He must have some unsupervised access though?

If he slapped a 5 year old in the face, absolutely I would leave. That shows absolutely zero restraint and he would be dangerous to be around. I couldn't respect someone who would have the impulse to do that to a tiny child. It's also not possible to slap someone in the face without really hurting them. It's a clear cut case of domestic abuse.

If it was a "traditional spanking", I wouldn't leave immediately but we'd be having very strong words about it and I would leave if he ever did it again. But our relationship would also be damaged and I might end up leaving because of that even if he never spanked again.

What happens if a court orders unsupervised contact with a man who has assaulted his child, and you simply refuse? Men simply refuse to pay maintenance all the time without consequence so what would happen here?

@LetMeOut2021 Oh yeah, he has about 30-40% of the time with him. Not easy to get though.

It would depend on the reason for refusal. If it was based upon an event that the court had already heard evidence about, you would be in breach of the court order. The other party can then apply to enforce the order which can result in fines and at the extreme end, a prison sentence (although this is extremely rare). If one parent continued to refuse contact, the court could order a change of residency, but that would again be a last resort.

Are there similar sanctions for men who refuse to pay maintenance?

@NonPlayerCharacter I'm not sure to be honest. I know it's meant to be unlawful to not pay maintenance but whether they enforce that or not, I couldn't say as it's not something I've dealt with.

There's a big difference between a parent losing their rag and being mortified they slapped their child and one who was satisfied with their actions even when challenged.

I was smacked as a kid but it was never in anger, it was done in the spirit of 'this is the right punishment for that misdemeanor'. So though I have never hit my children as I think it is weak parenting and teaches nothing, I think my parents were doing what was considered normal at the time, they weren't violent or abusive by nature. Do I think there are contexts within which a smack might not be a show stopper. But this is in 2023, and he did it in anger, and he wasn't sorry.

It doesn't sound like the dh loves the ds sadly. The disinterest, the low tolerance for irritations, all point to a lack of parental care. My kids push buttons sometimes cos they're children, but I couldn't harm them cos I love them. So I use my adult skills to calm things down and take the heat out of the situation.

Yes so that’s the issue 30% or 50% or 5% if he’s abusive and has unsupervised contact then he’ll have an opportunity to offend again.

I hope you and your son are ok. It would be the end of the relationship for me. He has no justification for his actions.

The courts will not immediately give unsupervised access to a child where abuse is suspected. The courts will order cafcass to investigate the allegations and the impact this has had on the child. Cafcass will make recommendations and the courts will generally go with what they recommend.
For my abusive ex, he had to do a parenting course, anger management and then had to pay a fortune for a Supervised contact centre. He still doesn't see our son, as the courts respected our sons wishes (he is 11) and there is no court order in place for him.

As for non payment of maintenance, the family courts do not deal with this, nor do they care. They are not impressed with parents who use lack of maintenence payments as a reason not to see the child.

Better a bore than a child hitter who repeatedly fails to manage a situation, escalates it, hits children and learns nothing from it despite claiming to feel so terrible. Assault off.

I have already posted on this thread but again I have to say that I find concerning that some posters thinks it is OK to hit a 5 year old in the face and then walk away after saying 'he deserved it'...

It really shows that the law around 'smacking' needs to change as well in England because people themselves don't seem to be able to do the right thing.

After all:

-If your colleague decides to slap you because they think you were 'acting up', that person would end up with an assault conviction

-if a partner decides to slaps you because they can't control their temper during an argument and then says 'you deserve it', you would report it as domestic violence and rightly so

-yet some people seem to think that it is OK to hit a small child...

It is something I have never been able to understand.

A child can't fight back, they certainly don't learn anything from violence and you could really do them physical harm.

It really is up to the adult to be able to control their anger even if a child is being difficult.

I think there is something incredibly cowardly and cruel about a grown man taking his anger out on a small child...

Yes

Exactly.

Somehow, the only people it is OK to hit are those who can't hit you back. Funny that. I bet all these "just snapped, red mist" assaulters will learn to control themselves when the child is taller than they are and packs a better punch than they do.

If you "just snapped, red mist", it's because you failed to manage your anger, failed to stabilise and de-escalate the situation and failed to control yourself. You didn't just walk into the room and hit your child (or maybe you did, there are some shamelessly shit parents on here). Stuff happened, stuff you failed to manage like an adult. Were you standing there for several minutes having a stupid pointless back and forth with a child? Why, for God's sake?

It's 100% a parenting failure. There are techniques to manage yourself and situations to stop it happening. Look them up. Warning: they involve work on yourself.

Thank you for pointing that out. I have been both angered and horrified by the ludicrous misinformation peddled on this thread. It is more than possible that the OP could prevent her 'D'H from seeing their child unsupervised, if she acts now and starts a paper trail. I am infuriated by the naysayers and minimisers on this thread. OP, please don't listen to these idiots. Get yourself and your child out, and go for full custody. It'll work out for you.