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Original poster

Fuming for a friend reaction to my baby

191 replies

Sadtiming · 22/12/2023 07:15

So long story short
a friend A of few years came to visit by arranging of another friend B. I didn’t mention inviting A this time but B did. So I went along with it we have a new born and she was invited few times and she never got back to me but managed to come now.
Turned up empty-handed( which I wouldn’t care about it but she is the only one out of 50 guests to turn up like that) plus with the grumpiest face on her face, didn’t say congratulations at all
didn’t look at my baby, didn’t do any eye contact small talk with my baby, didn’t compliment nothing !!! Had food and a drink and left !!
I’m literally fuming and angry, I just have never seen anything like that. I have met many babies in my life and I have grown up in a family where you are happy about other people babies and you want to hold them and just congratulate to parents really …. I’m like what had actually just happened …

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 22/12/2023 10:38

Hardly seems worth fuming about. Shrug and forget about it. Don't give it space in your head.

Outforlunchallday · 22/12/2023 10:40

Yes it’s weird OP. Is she usually quite strange?
And did she bring you a Christmas present?

RampantIvy · 22/12/2023 10:47

Christ there are some gratuitously bitchy posts on this thread

I agree @PepperIsHere. Clearly there are a lot of mumsnetters who are sadly lacking in social skills. I don't wear rings except for my plain wedding band, and am not remotely interested in engagement rings. However, I would congratulate the wearer on becoming engaged.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:06

Sadtiming · 22/12/2023 07:28

As I said
I wouldn’t care but it’s the weirdest thing to be grumpy about a new baby
it’s just too much of a coincidence

oh and I got her Christmas present ready all wrapped up
which she took with her when she left and didn’t say thank you

I'd assume she had Autism or some other syndrome- To not make eye contact or talk or even say ''Thank you'' for a present handed to her sounds unusual.

Especially the latter.

Not everyone is into babies, maybe that's why she didn't make a fuss over the baby..Assuming it's a PFB {Perfect first born} as usually with subsequent children no one apart from the parents makes as much fuss of them.

ChillysWaterBottle · 22/12/2023 11:08

It's rude and unacceptable to not say a simple 'congratulations' after someone has given birth. It's irrelevant what their personal circumstances are, that's a bare minimum. You'll get a lot of under socialised weirdos here defending rude and dickish behaviour, but you're not wrong to be put out by it OP. However I wouldn't let it bother me. Congrats on your new baby and focus on them instead x

IvysMum12 · 22/12/2023 11:08

The hags are really pulling you apart, Op, and I'm sorry.
The Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh joke? Oh, how we laughed.
It is simple, good manners to be kind about a new baby. If that's a problem, then stay away.
I'm surprised that no one yet has suggested this woman had autism, ADHD. or all the other letters of the alphabet.
As for going empty handed to visit a new baby...not even bringing a bib or a pair of socks?
I bet she scoffed your coffee and cake.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:09

Sadtiming · 22/12/2023 07:31

Sorry guys I’m Italian English is not my first language so if you are native no wonder why you don’t get it

Ah Italian families are generally much more into babies and children than UK people - This explains a lot! 🙂

Congratulations one your new Baby @Sadtiming

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:10

IvysMum12 · 22/12/2023 11:08

The hags are really pulling you apart, Op, and I'm sorry.
The Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh joke? Oh, how we laughed.
It is simple, good manners to be kind about a new baby. If that's a problem, then stay away.
I'm surprised that no one yet has suggested this woman had autism, ADHD. or all the other letters of the alphabet.
As for going empty handed to visit a new baby...not even bringing a bib or a pair of socks?
I bet she scoffed your coffee and cake.

I suggested Autism! 😂 {As very unusual not to make eye contact or say anything, not even a 'Thank you' for the present that OP gave her.

TheOccupier · 22/12/2023 11:14

@Sadtiming oh and the most important part that I forgot to mention
B said to A “thank me now you got inspiration “…

It sounds like A has some sort of issue related to babies and B thought she would use you and your newborn to force her to deal with that. I think your issue is B and you should ask her why she brought A to your house when you had not invited A, and A clearly did not want to come!

As for A's behaviour... it's not about you or your baby who I'm sure is gorgeous. Don't take it personally. Good for you that you were strong enough to put on a smile when suffering your own loss... just keep in mind that not everybody can do that.

LardyCakeAgain · 22/12/2023 11:18

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:10

I suggested Autism! 😂 {As very unusual not to make eye contact or say anything, not even a 'Thank you' for the present that OP gave her.

Show quote history

Those of us with autism don't have to conform to your expected standards thanks, it's a baby not the messiah. FFS so much ableism on this thread - it's about a woman who didn't want to visit, was strong-armed into it by the sounds of it, and then wasn't sufficiently deferent about it. Hardly "autistic" behaviour.

unnumber · 22/12/2023 11:20

It didn't do you or baby any harm, did it? Lovely to have a baby and 49 friends bringing presents to a party. Lucky lucky you. Honestly. That's a life many people would dream of

Who knows why she was unhappy / detached / irritated or whatever.

If you care about her as a friend, you could ask if she is okay.

If you don't care about her (which is fine) then don't give her reaction any headspace. It doesn't affect you.

Hope she's okay, and congrats on the new baby

unnumber · 22/12/2023 11:24

I mean I am deeply deeply unhappy. Struggling with everything large and small. Barely functioning. Went to three Christmas parties out of strong sense of obligation and everyone advising to keep going, push yourself etc. it was horrific.

Weirdly the party where I was closest to the people there was the hardest, and the only one where I was acting every second.

If you know what that's like, give her a break. If you don't know what that's like, count yourself lucky and give her a break

LardyCakeAgain · 22/12/2023 11:26

and as I mentioned I was bleeding and losing my baby while I was holding the new born of a family member and congratulated them and I was just simply happy for them but obviously I was grieving my own baby it’s was so traumatic

Imagine a society where you didn't have to plaster on a brave face through your miscarriage. Where there was no pressure to cover up your own pain and trauma because someone else needs to feel special. It would be far more psychologically healthy in the long run - people are able to feel happy for one friend but still care for another going through a hard time, its not a competition.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:32

Sadtiming · 22/12/2023 08:36

Im
sorry you are going though trauma yourself I hope you get help for it and get healed.

I lost my dog and my granny it doesn’t mean I won’t play with my friends dogs or I won’t acknowledge them in the room or even be happy for them getting a new dog
the same goes for people who have their grannies and I don’t!
couldn’t you be happier for them ?

and as I mentioned I was bleeding and losing my baby while I was holding the new born of a family member and congratulated them and I was just simply happy for them but obviously I was grieving my own baby it’s was so traumatic

Edited

You do sound like a nice person, @Sadtiming .
Hope you have a lovely first Christmas with your new Baby and Family. 👶 🎄

unnumber · 22/12/2023 11:32

I think one of the reasons people are so quick to diagnose strangers - ooh it must be autism - is because people judge so harshly without a diagnosis.

I worry that wider awareness of neurodiversity has had the paradoxical effect of making people more judgemental - either you have a proper diagnosis or you must conform. People's own normal becomes a universal standard, in their heads.

But it's not, and in the course of a long life we all have off days, and we meet people with unexpectedly different perspectives and values. And you can wrap yourself (and your child as he grows up) in a comfortable blanket of self-righteous and say those people are wrong. Or you can live and learn and remember we are all just human.

Still, I've read that post-birth is a time when your emotions are all over the place, and I think evolutionary forces prime you to demand that everyone prioritise your baby. After all in the old days you would have wanted to know there was a community to look after him, not just you.

So none of that is a criticism but I think you will find life easier if you live and let live a bit more.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:43

LardyCakeAgain · 22/12/2023 11:18

Those of us with autism don't have to conform to your expected standards thanks, it's a baby not the messiah. FFS so much ableism on this thread - it's about a woman who didn't want to visit, was strong-armed into it by the sounds of it, and then wasn't sufficiently deferent about it. Hardly "autistic" behaviour.

Show quote history

Autism is common and absolutely everywhere.
It's not an excuse or a free pass for rudeness, to greedily scoff other's food and cakes and to not even say 'thanks' for a present.

Edit: It was a party specifically to celebrate OP's baby..why bother going if one is going to sit there with a face like thunder.

Far better to decline politely, and not turn up.

MrsAnon6 · 22/12/2023 11:47

I think she would struggle to make eye contact and small talk with a new born baby.

Some people just aren't that interested in babies and children and they shouldn't feel obliged to coo over one if they aren't really into children and it's also unfair to expect a specific reaction from someone. Maybe she's having a hard time, did you think to ask how she is? The fact she turned up to see you and the baby despite how she feels shows she's a good friend. Yes it would have been nice if she'd brought a gift but you can't expect it and perhaps she wasn't sure what to buy or maybe she's short of money this close to Christmas.

Apologies but you sound entitled.

LardyCakeAgain · 22/12/2023 11:50

oakleaffy · 22/12/2023 11:43

Autism is common and absolutely everywhere.
It's not an excuse or a free pass for rudeness, to greedily scoff other's food and cakes and to not even say 'thanks' for a present.

Edit: It was a party specifically to celebrate OP's baby..why bother going if one is going to sit there with a face like thunder.

Far better to decline politely, and not turn up.

Edited
Show quote history

Next time I'm forced to go somewhere, I'll remember to prostrate myself at the host's feet in thanks for the invite 🙄 all we have to go on are the assumptions of a poster who is expecting an absurd amount of attention for having a baby.

My point is - this woman isn't even diagnosed as autistic, people are pinning lazy stereotypes on her about autistic people that aren't even symptoms for everyone on the spectrum. There are plenty of reasons for her to act the way she did but to just assume she's autistic is ableist.

Stresa22 · 22/12/2023 11:51

Are you very young OP-?

99victoria · 22/12/2023 11:51

I think you sound batshit

Sometimes I wonder how people manage to deal with actual problems they experience in life

Rosiiee · 22/12/2023 11:54

Could she be struggling with her own fertility? Is she single and desperate for a baby of her own? So many factors honestly.

If a friend of mine had just given birth I would want to show support but honestly it would kill me inside. I had a mc at 12 weeks and my daughter’s due date is New Year’s Day. It would take everything in me to show happiness for someone showing off their baby even though I would WANT to be happy- it’s all very confusing for me too trust me. I just wouldn’t make any assumptions OP.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2023 11:54

ChillysWaterBottle · 22/12/2023 11:08

It's rude and unacceptable to not say a simple 'congratulations' after someone has given birth. It's irrelevant what their personal circumstances are, that's a bare minimum. You'll get a lot of under socialised weirdos here defending rude and dickish behaviour, but you're not wrong to be put out by it OP. However I wouldn't let it bother me. Congrats on your new baby and focus on them instead x

Nail on head.
Manners cost nothing.

penjil · 22/12/2023 12:11

Sadtiming · 22/12/2023 07:23

It’s not even about the presents
how would you feel if someone comes to your house and doesn’t congratulate on your new born baby ? Avoids eye contact when you are holding the baby the whole evening

I wouldn't care. Not everyone likes babies or wants to hold them.

AnneValentine · 22/12/2023 12:21

LardyCakeAgain · 22/12/2023 11:18

Those of us with autism don't have to conform to your expected standards thanks, it's a baby not the messiah. FFS so much ableism on this thread - it's about a woman who didn't want to visit, was strong-armed into it by the sounds of it, and then wasn't sufficiently deferent about it. Hardly "autistic" behaviour.

Show quote history

Bravo

Janieforever · 22/12/2023 12:28

Are you always in this stated of heightened emotion or a recent thing? I can imagine being maybe a little irritated, at most.

or maybe it’s a language thing? Fuming means enraged, furious, extreme anger?

is that what you are feeling? I’m asking as it maybe hormonal following ghe birth.