Would you resent a colleague who has this ‘privilege’

[Resentedpumpkin]

Which is actually a reasonable adjustment?

Asd and adhd plus ME - I’m needing more and more breaks due to ASD and avoiding shutdown. It’s been agreed on my return after 2 weeks off (shutdown and selective mutism) . So now when it gets too much I’m able to log off (if WFH) or leave my desk for up to 30 mins as many times as needed per day.

it’s been once or twice a day but yesterday happened 4 times (10 mins, 30 mins, 25 mins and 5 mins)

Had some sarcastic and off remarks about it from others and now just feeling shit and embarrassed. Everyone is aware of my conditions so it’s not like they don’t know

Good update from the OP.

the manager has done the right thing, but may not have been fully aware of the resentment in the team to the extent it was causing spiteful unkind remarks.

It's sad that it's so hit and miss in organisations regarding adept management of reasonable adjustments that it takes someone with experience of a disabled family member to do the right thing, and if someone in authority doesn't have that experience, they may not take such a responsible approach because they just don't get it.

I imagine @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia and @Scautish speak for many in a) upholding legal rights of disabled people b) challenging discriminatory attitudes on this thread. This has again exposed (again) a shocking level of ignorance of the lived experience and needs of many autistic people, and of their legal entitlement to measures designed to promote social exclusion in the face of serious disadvantages and barriers that keep many people out of employment entirely. I hope we'll hear less whingeing in 2024 from people not living with long term conditions or disabilities, about people being treated differently in order to reduce the substantial disadvantages they would otherwise face.

I have a colleague who seems to be struggling with similar issues to you OP. Reasonable adjustments have been made but because our work is by nature collaborative and collaboration is the issue that my colleague is struggling with it doesn't matter how many adjustments are made, it just doesn't work. We have a very flexible and supportive work environment. Most of us don't work full time hours by choice, a choice all of us has luckily but my colleague is contracted and paid for full time. I and other colleagues have had to put in more hours waiting for something to be delivered way past deadline and this is very frustrating. We've offered to pick up work for them on time which is declined by them and then have to spend more time working on things that aren't finished on time anyway. Add to that they aren't transparent about their availability and put nothing in their calendar. It feels very unfair that we are paid less for doing more than someone who knows that they are not able for the hours or workload but they won't put their hand up and say it. Employment law here is in favour of the employee and rightly so, so unless my colleague says that they can't cope with the work then nothing will change. The only way we can avoid issues is by not giving them any work to do at all which is the way it is going at the moment. Everyone else is working at capacity but one colleague has nothing to do at all. It's hard not to feel frustrated.

Also feel quite enraged by your comment about breastfeeding women. Many of my other colleagues did this, agenda was blocked so it was clear when and for how long. If I was working from home I pumped and worked at the same time, no one was affected by it. I don't know how you can expect patience from your colleagues but in the same breath happily scapegoat a woman feeding her baby. It's hard enough for a new mother returning to work as it is.

I used that example as it’s a direct comparison for me as I’ve had a number of colleagues return from mat leave and needed regular breaks of a similar duration to mine as they needed to express. I haven’t seen any other situations where anyone else has needed a break so used that example as it relates to me ? I’m not criticising breastfeeding or legislation around that

The OP is essentially on a phased return to work. It happens all the time. I wouldn’t be resentful of it and we currently have a colleague on a very slow phased return due to having surgery. It can create more work but that means we tell senior management who are paid more and the ones who need to find the solution. Not once have I felt resentful that the person is not working their full hours for full pay.

@Resentedpumpkin maternity and breastfeeding are for a known and finite period of time. Burnout, broken bones, long term illness, menopause and cancer would be more comparable and you would struggle to find a workplace which hasn't been affected by the above. Many of my co workers have suffered over the years, adjustments were made and people have returned to work in time. If you've been putting in 200% since you've started and have now shut down because of this it should tell you that this isn't sustainable, your job is not a good fit. It's not right for your colleagues to be making smarmy comments but if you're not available at random times during the day and can't communicate this I can imagine that it's difficult for them too.

This is the only job I’ve ever been able to do and I don’t want to think it’s not working out and give up. The alternative is UC and not working and I’m not ready for that life so I’m trying to get back up to the functional level I was prior to all this

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. It’s really hard explaining to non-autistic people . many cannot see (or refuse to see) the disability (and for me it is a disability) and as a result are only prepared to see how autistic people negatively impact them. They are unable to see the positives we bring with our different way of thinking. We don’t conform and for some NT people non-conformity means being difficult, obstructive or wrong.

And has been amply demonstrated by some posters in this thread, they do not have the empathy needed to work constructively with autistic people so you are going to be told by them that you shouldn’t be working, you are slacking etc etc. in a way it’s not their fault - they can’t help it!

good luck and I’m glad your manager has your back. That’s amazing.

I didn't realise that one of the traits of autism was putting words in other people's mouths... glad I don't experience that one. Nobody at all has said the OP shouldn't be working, just that potentially if the impacts are going to be detrimental long term then perhaps the job isn't the right fit.

I don't think that Scautish accused you specifically of saying that. Reviewing your posts on this thread, you haven't. However, others have said that she should find a different job.

Given OP's recent update, reproduced below, it is clear that for her, "you are wrong for this job" and "you shouldn't have any job" are functionally the same statement.

This is the only job I’ve ever been able to do and I don’t want to think it’s not working out and give up. The alternative is UC and not working and I’m not ready for that life so I’m trying to get back up to the functional level I was prior to all this.

The following is a comment about the wider thread and issue, not aimed specifically at the quoted poster.

I would love to see the Venn diagram of people who have accepted the "disabled benefits scrounger" libellous narrative and would resent OP for claiming out-of-work benefits and the people who would resent someone like OP for having reasonable adjustments. I suspect it would look like a single circle. There's a term NIMBY, "Not In My Back Yard", referring to people who are all in favour of a scheme (factory, power station, industrial estate) as long it's not near their house. I suspect that the adjustment resenters are NIMBYs about disabled people working: "well of course they should be made to get off benefits and work, just not in my office".

welcome back @InAMess2023 ! I thought you had gone....!

so tell me how the OP finds a job, when you don't think people should "pander" (your word) to autistic people's reasonable adjustments?. Regardless of the job, if such adjustments are not made then she will be unable to work.

so telling OP to "get a better role" is not helpful at all. She has already said explicitly that this is the only job she has been able to do. ABLE to do. but only with reasonable adjustments. but if colleagues are resentful - and show this - then that's only going to add to her stress and she will possibly need more time outs. Vicious cycle.

the alternative is those without the adjustment stop being dicks and work at developing a more inclusive environment.

I read all of OP's posts & still don't understand what affect there is on her colleagues, from OP stepping away frequently & unpredictably. What happens to the work experience of your colleagues, OP, when you take one of these breaks from your desk?

@lljkk

your question is irrelevant. her manager - no doubt with agreement from his manager - has deemed the adjustment to be reasonable. an adjustment which put unfair pressure on colleagues would not be reasonable - so you need to take it as read that they are not materially adversely impacted.

such an adjustment for me would have no impact on my colleagues. and i work way more hours than i'm contracted to anyway.

it would be so much better if people accepted that if management have deemed the adjustment to be ok, then it's ok. and people being resentful need to check their privilege.

@Scautish you totally negate any argument you make by again insisting on putting words in my mouth. Nowhere did anyone suggest getting a BETTER job. For example, I would never apply for a customer facing job because I know it's beyond my abilities... what I wouldn't do is get said job and then expect not to see customers. It's about playing to your abilities, not seeing the barriers because of your disabilities... by your own comments you see that our skills are just different, and that's why I see ASD as my superpower and not a disability. I still however wouldn't expect more than 'reasonable' adjustments to allow me to do the role. Key word is 'reasonable'

@InAMess2023

Stop saying I am putting words in your mouth. I am not.

I am repeating the sentiment expressed by posters on this thread.

All the following comments have been made.

You need to find another job that is suitable for you then. This isn’t.

maybe this is your bodies way of telling you that it's time to find somewhere better to work.

in the long run it must better to find a job more suitable.

You need to make some time up or find another role or resentment will breed

It's not the job for you, a bit like a window cleaner with a fear of heights, they'd need to find another role that they can successfully do.

I really think you should find a job that's less stressful for you

@Scautish and yet not a single one says get a better job 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 funny that

Do the RAs affect your colleagues detrimentally? Perhaps only your Manager knows this?

My opinion is that if RAs affect other staff members detrimentally then the RAs are unreasonable for the team

You didn't post any of there suggestions that OP go work elsewhere, but others did. Please stop defending others by pretending that they didn't say what they said. Please stop siding with the neurotypical people that you have the relative privilege of being able to pass as, because the second that you need anything more than "minimal" reasonable adjustments, they will turn on you too.

• "Your colleagues would probably prefer it if you got another job".
• "You are in the wrong job".
• "This is just not being able to do your job".
• "It doesn't sound like it's the job for you".

BTW, when collecting these, I stopped at page 11ish because Mumsnet won't let you upload more than a few pictures. I have no doubt that I would have found more, had I carried on.

You are quibbling over whether other posters said "better" instead of "different", when the harm is from other posters telling her that she shouldn't have her current job. It doesn't matter what flowery words they dress it up in, they are siding against a disabled person claiming her legal entitlements and with her NIMBY colleagues.

There's case law on this and I'm sure that OP's employer will know what is and isn't reasonable.

Oh the backup has arrived 🙄

Let me tell you a little anecdote... a few years ago I was in a job that was a managerial position, managing a team (pre ASD diagnosis). It was the worst time of my entire life and caused me to have several of what I now know are autistic meltdowns and then a period of complete burnout which meant I was off work for 5 months. What I didn't then do is go back into that job and demand that it would be reasonable for them to remove all staff management responsibilities from my role.

What I did do was find a different job that allows me to express my ASD superpowers (in my case organisational and planning skills).

Sometimes we have to accept that things in life may no longer be the right fit. We have never had enough context from the OP to know what impact the adjustments are having on the day to day doing of the role or on their colleagues.

And before either of you start, this is NOT me saying OP needs another job. It's just explaining why others may have made these comments.

Also my comment around the disability survey still stands. If it was the census cross referencing autism and employment fair enough, but not one that's only for people who consider themselves disabled. I'm not disabled, I'm just wired up differently, and my abilities in some areas massively outweigh the general population.

Sometimes we have to accept that things in life may no longer be the right fit.

OP hasn't even gone through the eight week phased return to work to be able to make that judgement yet.

We have never had enough context from the OP to know what impact the adjustments are having on the day to day doing of the role or on their colleagues.

And that doesn't matter, because the actual problem was workplace bullying.

Also my comment around the disability survey still stands. If it was the census cross referencing autism and employment fair enough, but not one that's only for people who consider themselves disabled.

The Autism Society article said in the first paragraph that it was based on ONS figures, taken from a survey of many many households that is deliberately designed to be representative of the whole UK. Which you'd know if you'd clicked through to the source figures like I did.

I'm not disabled, I'm just wired up differently,

When your different wiring makes aspects of life hard compared to the majority of people, it becomes a disability even though you aren't in pain.

So 36% of all working age adults who don't work are unemployed due to their autism?

I never said that it was ok to make snide comments or that workplace bullying was ok. Not once. But we don't know enough about the context to see why they may feel resentful... funny I don't see you arguing with the many many people on this thread who agree they would feel resentment. Just me who doesn't fit in your little box of 'what autism looks like' - I don't fit your narrative I guess

Just as a found your insistence on calling me an 'autist' offensive, I take offence at you also telling me I am disabled. I'm not. I just have different abilities. But I get it, you're one of those people with autism who think they can be rude and condescending to everyone because of your diagnosis. Gotcha

Are you officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed @InAMess2023 ?

@Scautish officially diagnosed, not that it's any of your business asking such cheeky questions