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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 08/12/2023 18:25

eeugh - I wouldn’t celebrate this
and I wouldn’t go on double dates
leave her to it

kissnm · 08/12/2023 18:26

I wouldn’t reply to the text

silkyfilament · 08/12/2023 18:27

I'd not acknowledge it at all. Make your excuses and don't socialise. They are both disgusting.

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SignoraItaliana · 08/12/2023 18:27

He's left his wife and small child just before Christmas? What a catch. Be honest with her, ask her wtf she is playing at.

Denimdenimdenim · 08/12/2023 18:28

Yuck

Genaula · 08/12/2023 18:28

I wouldn’t get involved at all, wouldn’t plan double dates and wouldn’t say anything back to her about it being a terrible idea as he’s seniors management and that will be awkward if she tells him what you say.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 08/12/2023 18:28

Ignore her text.

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 08/12/2023 18:28

If I said anything I would ask her if she has proof of this or if she is going by what he is saying .

GodDammitCecil · 08/12/2023 18:30

I wouldn’t reply to the text.

I think it’s ok if she cuts you off!

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 08/12/2023 18:30

If she is a close friend, and one that you would otherwise want to keep, I would probably message her, along the lines of ‘Well, didn’t see that coming! I am a bit floored to be honest.’ Then leave it for her to respond.

If you are not that close, I probably would not respond.

StressedOutSemolina · 08/12/2023 18:31

I wouldn't judge because I'm not Jesus and I've made enough mistakes in life of my own. But I certainly wouldn't encourage it. I'd tell her it's up to her how she navigates her own life but I don't want to hear about it because I don't agree with what she's doing. IF she's a very good friend I'd be there for her when the shit hits the fan... which it will... but I'd make it extremely clear the fall out is only something I'll support once and if she ignores my advice and fucks up a second time she will be doing so without me.

Original poster
Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:31

I could ignore her text but I have to see her at work every day. I’ve really got to say something at some point.

OP posts:
WhichIsItWendy · 08/12/2023 18:32

I would probably stay neutral but true to yourself (and your morals);

"Oh wow I hadn't realised you were seeing each other. I'm not sure what to say as it's awkward with him leaving his wife and small child but I wish you both the best."

If she keeps mentioning it or wants to go into detail just keep it all very vague and move on. If she presses further, I'd just be honest. Let her know that you're worried about his age and the fact he's left his small child to pursue an affair. That you're worried he could do the same to her and that you're not convinced it's a great way to start a relationship. She won't want to hear it though, but that's on her, not you.

I'd be feeling the same about cancelling the plans to be honest. I need to respect my friends and I couldn't respect someone who thinks it's ok to have a relationship with a married man with young kids. That says it all about her really doesn't it; she's selfish.

silkyfilament · 08/12/2023 18:33

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:31

I could ignore her text but I have to see her at work every day. I’ve really got to say something at some point.

You really don't. Just give her the 'that's nice dear' and talk about the weather or anything but her gross affair.

Original poster
Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:34

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 08/12/2023 18:28

If I said anything I would ask her if she has proof of this or if she is going by what he is saying .

Do you mean proof he’s left his wife? Apparently they are going to attend the staff Christmas do together. There are enough people there who know his wife (ex employee) that he wouldn’t risk it if she didn’t already know.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 08/12/2023 18:39

Reply and tell her she’s going to have to try harder to prank you……. Might give her pause for thought about how ludicrous she’s being.

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 18:39

Just reply with something vague like 'That's a big piece of news.:

Then be ill for your next meeting and too busy going forwards.

Don't express any opinions.

ThreeRingCircus · 08/12/2023 18:41

Nicole1111 · 08/12/2023 18:39

Reply and tell her she’s going to have to try harder to prank you……. Might give her pause for thought about how ludicrous she’s being.

This is exactly what I'd do!

I'd message "Ha ha ha good one.....you nearly had me there for a minute! 🤣🤣🤣"

Bobbotgegrinch · 08/12/2023 18:43

The question is why you'd still want to be friends with her?

I'd be texting her back "Well that all sounds a bit unpleasant, I'm quite disappointed in you to be honest" and then I'd be distancing myself from her at work. Personally I wouldn't want to be associated with someone like that in a professional environment, I'd be worried it would make me look bad.

ChimneyPot · 08/12/2023 18:44

Can you reply
“Wow, I had no idea”
or something similar?

Surprised but no comment on the situation.

furtivetussling · 08/12/2023 18:44

Id just reply with a thanks for letting me know and leave it at that.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:47

I would wait several hours, maybe even a few days depending on when you next have to see her, and then reply something incredibly bland like "gosh that's a surprise". The bare minimum of acknowledging it so you don't have to ignore a colleague but no opinions or anything that might drag you into a dialogue about it.

If I went to dinner with her I'd shut down any of her attempts to talk about it with "gosh, I feel uncomfortable talking about that given that I work with both of you, let's talk about something else!" and have several changes of subject ready to go.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:47

And long-term I would absolutely distance myself from her but probably better to do that subtly and gradually given you still have to work with her.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/12/2023 18:48

Gosh, I really dont know what to say!

whatausername · 08/12/2023 18:48

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:31

I could ignore her text but I have to see her at work every day. I’ve really got to say something at some point.

Don't worry, she'll likely be on mat leave soon enough and he'll be fucking the next employee.

It's too much trouble for you to get involved considering it features your workplace and a senior manager. Unless she is a hell of an important friend, stay out of it. People distancing themselves or simply feeling too awkward to talk about her relationship are consequences of the actions she has chosen to take.

If it happens to go tits up and you happen to miss her at the time, then you could reach out to her. But don't twist yourself into knots about her right now.

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