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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 08/12/2023 21:01

I would just reply “oh my goodness, I didn’t see that coming”.

Dingdongdog · 08/12/2023 21:16

@Reesescheeses it's not a nice situation and she's not behaved very well but she is your friend and friendship is important. You don't know all the details. You can dislike what she has done, and perhaps your friendship will never be the same again. But, I think she deserves to be heard out by her friend and see what happens.

ididntthough · 08/12/2023 21:27

I agree with “goodness me, that’s a real surprise” and agree on the subtle distancing. Not worth prejudicing your career to make a point but not a nice set up to be around either.

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Relationship problems
Mirabai · 08/12/2023 21:44

You’re not responsible for her choices OP and taking any kind of stand won’t make the blindest bit of difference. I’d keep your feelings to yourself as I’m sure your other colleagues will. She’s not your best friend or your sister, just a work colleague with dodgy ethics.

FreshWinterMorning · 08/12/2023 21:47

Send a load of these back @Reesescheeses >>>>> 😂

Imagine being with a man of nearly 70, when you're not far out of your 20s? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Confused

IMustDoMoreExercise · 08/12/2023 21:47

LIZS · 08/12/2023 20:46

Presumably his wife is also younger, was she also a colleague I wonder? If so , more fool your friend.

Yes, the OP said his wife was also an ex-colleague.

ActDottie · 08/12/2023 21:48

I’d probably acknowledge the text but say something along the lines of you’re shocked as you thought he was happily married with a young child so neither celebrating it or completely dismissing her.

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 21:51

What he’s knocking on 70 , and his current wife is much much younger if she’s a young child and now he’s left her for someone else her age?

personally id not cast judgement, I’d simply say ok. Thanks for letting me know. And leave it there.

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 21:53

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife

is this real? Because if your mate is in her 30s the wife is not much older if she’s a young child? She’s hardly elderly.

SnowyMcSnowball · 08/12/2023 22:46

No response speaks volumes. When you see her chat normally but if she brings it up, just say if she's happy then you're happy for her, but you'd rather not get into it. Just change the subject! They both sound as though they deserve one another tbh.

Taurusandvirgo · 09/12/2023 00:51

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 21:53

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife

is this real? Because if your mate is in her 30s the wife is not much older if she’s a young child? She’s hardly elderly.

But the wife is probably sleep deprived and maybe a bit grumpy if she suspects husband of affair, stresses which we all know makes a person look a bit raggedy. She's got a baby so he's not her number one any more the baby is. Post birth and with childcare duties (because let's face it she's doing it all if he's time for an affair), she's probably not up for sex morning noon and night either. Whereas OP's mate wants a baby so is probably happy to be at it like rabbits, has nobody to prioritize other than him and if she's up all night it's because she's been having fun not dealing with a grizzly child.

Hope she's prepared to be a single mother OP he's obviously not up for playing happy families

Morewineplease10 · 09/12/2023 01:10

Well she sounds like a silly cow and he sounds despicable.

His poor wife and child.

How bloody cringeworthy for everyone at work.

I'd step back as much as possible so it doesn't damage your career. And maybe get this thread deleted as could be identifying. (Although God knows there are a lot of selfish cheating wankers out there.)

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 09/12/2023 01:10

I wouldn't worry too much about not judging, if she's texted you to announce her "prize"!! Obviously be diplomatic but I don't think it's on you to feel like you have to be neutral, you didn't ask for this or pry. Plus this won't be the end of the story and you don't want to be personally compromised at work so adopt a comfortable fence sitting position now!

Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 01:21

Seems a case of loose morals on both sides @Reesescheeses

RandomForest · 09/12/2023 01:27

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 21:51

What he’s knocking on 70 , and his current wife is much much younger if she’s a young child and now he’s left her for someone else her age?

personally id not cast judgement, I’d simply say ok. Thanks for letting me know. And leave it there.

This sounds about right.

Wherearemykeysagain · 09/12/2023 01:30

I’d respond with “oh wow. That might take me a while to process. Hope you’re okay”

Gowlett · 09/12/2023 01:42

It’s all hotels & Champagne now, but she’ll live to regret it…

user1492757084 · 09/12/2023 01:51

You could respond by saying ..
Honestly, I don't like what you're up to.

I worry that a decent woman and child have been abandoned by the one person they should trust.
I worry that it will all repeat itself with you.

I don't see him as a good catch nor your actions respectful.
I can't be excited for you, I'm sorry.

Then if the conversation goes on messily .. add that you don't want to talk about it anymore. It's her business.

Do not double date or socialise with them.
Be polite to all at work.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2023 02:00

How about “Thanks for the heads up.” You won’t be stunned into gawping at the Christmas party, but you don’t have to be involved either.

Tryingmybestadhd · 09/12/2023 02:10

I made pretty clear to anyone in my life adultery is not something I will ever support . I would simply ignore and make excuses

coldcallerbaiter · 09/12/2023 03:17

Just be honest and tell her the same thing you wrote here.

I would back off from the friendship.

She is pathetic and he is more so

hopefully they both get their karma…

daisychain01 · 09/12/2023 03:53

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:31

I could ignore her text but I have to see her at work every day. I’ve really got to say something at some point.

No you dont "have to" respond. It isn't the law. What's she going to say "why didn't you answer my text?!?!"

She wants you to either condone or congratulate her for her catch.

mud sticks and you don't want any of that shit on you so distance yourself, get on with your job and don't get involved in her mess.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/12/2023 04:54

Those of you saying he will cheat on her: I am not so sure. I think she is the endgame. He is 70 and she is possibly his last affair. Ime when these men get to around 70 if their health starts to fail the young woman ends up as their carer - I have seen this too many times but I could be wrong of course. He might be sprightly and fit as a fiddle.

I have also been in situations where a boss was having an affair with a member of staff and it is so toxic because the rest of the staff are forced to collude with the husband against a wife some of them have known very well. Horrible. Because he is so powerful the wife and child may be tossed aside and that is an awful thing to witness.

I try to have friendships with people outside work. You are in such a tricky situation. I’m not sure I could be friends with someone who practiced such deceit, but then again I would also think it was none of my business. I would make it clear to her that I would consider it unprofessional for her to discuss her private life with the boss with me, so the “friendship” would probably fizzle out anyway.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/12/2023 05:02

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 08/12/2023 19:41

Honestly I’d want all the gossip 😜

I wouldn’t. It would make me sick. There is so much cruelty in the world - a woman with a young child finding out that her husband has been having an affair and is leaving her is as cruel as you can get. I wouldn’t want to be party to that. Eurgh.

Ramalangadingdong · 09/12/2023 05:06

LIZS · 08/12/2023 20:46

Presumably his wife is also younger, was she also a colleague I wonder? If so , more fool your friend.

Yes, I think she said the ex was a colleague.

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