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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 08/12/2023 18:49

@Reesescheeses you can't be very close though if you didn't already know?

Taurusandvirgo · 08/12/2023 18:50

Well you can't be close friends with her any more if she's involved with the boss. People tell their partners everything, quite often. So unless you want your boss knowing all your personal life, you'll have to distance yourself from her. Plus you know it'll end in disaster when he inevitably cheats on her and with you all working for the same company you don't want to be in the thick of that drama, knowing so much personal stuff about your boss, it's too awkward. She needs friends she doesn't work with to lean on for support. I'd back right off and leave them too it. Move her into the acquaintance category, don't socialise with her and tell her nothing much about anything.

ApricotLime · 08/12/2023 18:53

Thats horrible.
If the wife has a young child she must be a lot younger than him. I wonder how many times he's exchanged his partner for a younger model. Poor wife and child before Christmas

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wjpa · 08/12/2023 18:56

Depends what comeback you would face.

If you want to keep everything civil and don't want to face any comeback, I'd go with the suggestion above of "thanks for letting me know". It is polite, but doesn't convey any excitement or congratulations (which are not in order - she's making a mistake and he sounds dirty and dishonest).

Or, not replying is also a good suggestion - conveys disgust, but she can't accuse you of being disgusted. Personally I'd go with this option.

If you want to say something that might benefit her in the long run, as a friend - "Goodness, I had no idea. I hope that you are OK. Are you sure someone 30 years old is right for you, you want kids I thought?"

Or you can hit really hard and put the contents of your OP.

It all depends on the politics of the situation.

PossumintheHouse · 08/12/2023 18:58

I’d run a mile. Don’t get involved with anything to do with this at work. I’d honestly say I want nothing to do with it and cancel next week’s lunch.

wjpa · 08/12/2023 18:59

PossumintheHouse · 08/12/2023 18:58

I’d run a mile. Don’t get involved with anything to do with this at work. I’d honestly say I want nothing to do with it and cancel next week’s lunch.

If you do cancel the lunch, which is a good suggestion, I'd go with a vague excuse such as you need to pick up a prescription, aren't feeling well etc

CantFindTheBeat · 08/12/2023 19:03

Where do you work that a senior manager (not director) is nearly 70 and has a wife almost 40 years younger????

Taurusandvirgo · 08/12/2023 19:07

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:31

I could ignore her text but I have to see her at work every day. I’ve really got to say something at some point.

You don't have to make her life less awkward. She's the one who's dropped the bomb . Let her deal with the fallout.

If she asks did you get her text, just say yes.
If she asks what you think, say you don't think anything because it's nothing to do with you.
If she asks if you want to hang out at lunchtime, tell her you have other plans.
Make an excuse to cancel your dinner meet-up a few days before, it doesn't really matter if she believes your excuse or not.
If she asks if you have a problem with her/their relationship, say no.

You don't have to say any of this unkindly. There's no need to fall over yourself trying to make things easier for her at your own expense though.

CuriousityKilledThePussy · 08/12/2023 19:13

Just message back "Eww" and that's it

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2023 19:14

Presumably with a young baby his wife isn't THAT much older than her? He doesn't give them a long shelf life does he.

I'd be honest.

"Jessica, are you serious? You're having an affair with not just a married man, but one with a young baby, one who's nearly 70 and one who's our boss!? And now need abandoning his young child just before Christmas? What are you thinking?

Vinrouge4 · 08/12/2023 19:15

CantFindTheBeat · 08/12/2023 19:03

Where do you work that a senior manager (not director) is nearly 70 and has a wife almost 40 years younger????

Quite. Hard to believe.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 08/12/2023 19:15

Start to distance yourself - there will be fall out from their choices.

Start by feigning illness and not doing anything outside of work with her.

protect yourself

MinervatheGreat · 08/12/2023 19:25

Stay out of it. Stay neutral.
Not your business. Practice subtly changing the subject.
Be dignified and keep your counsel.

When/if it flounders, be prepared to be a listening ear.

Xmasblues · 08/12/2023 19:33

I wouldn’t reply that I was excited or that I was worried.

I’d perhaps just say you had no idea and that you are really surprised as you couldn’t tell.
Say that you are happy that she is happy and then ask if she’s going to tell other staff members etc.

Xmasblues · 08/12/2023 19:35

CantFindTheBeat · 08/12/2023 19:03

Where do you work that a senior manager (not director) is nearly 70 and has a wife almost 40 years younger????

I know of at least 3 couples with a similar age gap and the men aren’t rich either.

ttcat37 · 08/12/2023 19:37

I’d respond “that’s disappointing, I didn’t think you were like that. I can’t support this, sorry”

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 08/12/2023 19:41

Honestly I’d want all the gossip 😜

StopLickingTheDog · 08/12/2023 19:42

I hope his wife found out about their affair and actually chucked him. I think thats far more likely and hes rehashed the truth to her.

ThePaperTrail · 08/12/2023 19:47

ApricotLime · 08/12/2023 18:53

Thats horrible.
If the wife has a young child she must be a lot younger than him. I wonder how many times he's exchanged his partner for a younger model. Poor wife and child before Christmas

Yes, I had the same thought. Especially since the OP says his wife is an ex-employee.

Makes me think this probably isn't the first time the man has behaved this way.

WhichIsItWendy · 08/12/2023 19:48

StopLickingTheDog · 08/12/2023 19:42

I hope his wife found out about their affair and actually chucked him. I think thats far more likely and hes rehashed the truth to her.

Edited

Completely agree with this. It's VERY unlikely he left his wife on his own accord. Oh dear, what a fool your friend is. She won't listen to anything you say though, so it's pointless.

Stiritscrapeitmakeitbakeit · 08/12/2023 20:25

I am very much of the "don't judge" persuasion. If she is your friend, she may need your support if things go tits up.

Beautiful3 · 08/12/2023 20:29

That's horrible. She's helped break up a marriage and family, and so close to Christmas day. I feel sorry for his wife and small child. Honestly I don't think I'd reply to the text. If she talks about it at work, I'd probably say, I feel sorry for his wife and child- what a shame.

Original poster

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 20:32

Not one single person has said I should support her. I guess that’s unanimous. It’s just such a shock to me and so unbelievably out of character for her.

I really don’t want to make things awkward at work - for myself more than anyone else. I will be honest that I feel really uncomfortable about the situation and will keep the daily chat to a non-personal level without being hostile.

Thanks for all the useful comments. I won’t come back to the thread so troll hunters can rest at ease- I’m not making this up for entertainment.

OP posts:

Stiritscrapeitmakeitbakeit · 08/12/2023 20:38

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 20:32

Not one single person has said I should support her. I guess that’s unanimous. It’s just such a shock to me and so unbelievably out of character for her.

Thanks for all the useful comments. I won’t come back to the thread so troll hunters can rest at ease- I’m not making this up for entertainment.

I did say she might need support.

You can choose to judge, but nothing is ever black and white. Relationships are very difficult, especially long term, and nobody can ever see inside someone else's relationship.

Friends don't judge one another. They can say that they are concerned, if they feel someone is taking a wrong path - that's part of being a good friend. But they don't judge.

LIZS · 08/12/2023 20:46

Presumably his wife is also younger, was she also a colleague I wonder? If so , more fool your friend.

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