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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 09/12/2023 07:58

I'd remain friends with her as I don't see what she has done wrong to be honest, or him. People are allowed to end relationships and start new ones in my opinion, even people with children - it doesn't make them sub-human scum. People are also allowed age gap relationships.

If she was attending the work do with him while he was still with his wife, that's perhaps a bit different. But he has done the right thing and left his wife, which is fair enough.

My dad is much older than my mom and they met when he was still married to someone else. At work as it happens! They fell in love, he left his wife, they had two children (me and my brother) and are still together now. There is nothing immoral about it tho on a practical level it is hard for her now (she is his carer).

There is some extremely rigid moral thinking about relationships on here - seemiingly once you marry one person ot ever conmit to them you are supposed to stay with then forever, even if your feelings change?

My ex husband had affairs and is now with one of the OW. I still like him as a person and he is a good dad and my friend. He just isn't very good at monogamous relationships (he cheats on the current partner too). It doesn't make him the moral equivalent of some kind of mass murderer, and nor is OP's friend.

Extra marital affairs are so common that if posters really live by the rules they avow on here, they must only speak to about 50% of their fellow humans....

feelingfree17 · 09/12/2023 08:07

Don’t get pulled in to this mess. Distance yourself now.

jhy · 09/12/2023 08:10

You have to work with her so I'd be more worried about the awkwardness of that rather than a dinner booked next week.
What are you going to say on Monday?

Personally I wouldn't judge, they are both consenting adults so it's their business what they want to do. You could just tell her it makes you a bit uncomfortable and don't wish to hear more. I presume they are going to keep it on the low at work too.

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BigDahliaFan · 09/12/2023 08:15

I’d support her, who hasn’t mucked up at some point. Don’t be judgy.

ALightOverThere · 09/12/2023 08:15

She's your friend and they're both consenting adults. I don't see why you need to take a position on this at all- she's not asking for your blessing.

I'd just say "thanks for letting me know- didn't see that one coming!" and carry on being friends with her as normal.

laclochette · 09/12/2023 08:32

She sounds foolish and potentially quite vulnerable. Making a decision like this shows poor judgement, and risks exposing her to a lot of pain and difficulty. Her new partner is much older than she is, will have a (justifiably) hurting and difficult ex wife, has a young child that may find it hard to form a bond with her given the fact she helped break up their parents' relationship, and she will find herself isolated from her colleagues, judged and thought ill of. Unfortunately women in these situations get judged much more harshly than men, and while I wish this weren't so, it's the reality we have to work within. This is very compromising to her career, for example - any advancement she makes will be assumed to be because she's shagging management.

Plus, history suggests she might find herself in his current ex's position before long!

If she's a really good, true, dear friend, you certainly don't have to celebrate this, but you might want to just stay close in a non-judgemental way because she may well desperately need all she support she can get before too long based on the above - but equally it's not your job to be moral adjudicator of other people's lives and pass active judgement on them.

If she's just a "work friend" but not for example someone you imagine you'd really stay close to if you were to change jobs, then I'd just be cool but polite and start to distance myself from her slowly, because the effort it will take to stay neutral through this and stay close to her isn't worth it given you aren't super close.

Either way you certainly don't have to be an enthusiastic cheerleader and you don't have to plan double dates!!

Bireadwhatiread · 09/12/2023 08:34

I know of a similar situation although we were acquaintances. I treated them normally. Not my circus etc

Galliano · 09/12/2023 08:49

A friend got involved with a very similar man. He had various exes and his oldest children were our age.
Friend was very together and successful at work but had huge difficulties in her personal life. She had lost her parents as a teenager which had had a huge impact on her and really struggled with self esteem too.
She had a son with the partner before it all imploded horribly.
I found her choices inexplicable and frustrating but she definitely needed friends through the whole car crash.
I was honest from start that I was worried being with him wasn’t a good decision for her but I couldn’t imagine cutting her off.

Hibambinos · 09/12/2023 08:52

Reply “wow. Good luck. lol!”

then start a sweepstake - I’ll have a £5 it makes it to six weeks ….

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 08:54

I’d personally just be neutral in response to this. For example replying something like “I didn’t realise you were seeing each other, that’s a surprise”.
man’s I’d just keeps blank responses and not encourage discussion about it.

HOWEVER- If she directly asked me what I really thought, I’d answer. I’d make sure she wanted my honest opinion and then I’d give it. I’d still chat to her normally about others things, try to show my concern for a relationship that is highly unlikely to be long term and highly likely to end in a shitty way.

Op I dunno why you are worried about it being awkward. The people it should be awkward for are your friend and her boss.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/12/2023 08:58

Send her some links to courses in geriatric nursing. She's going to need that skillset pretty damn soon.

More seriously, I have severed ties with friends/acquaintances several times because of things I couldn't morally condone. I think that's probably what you should do here. You clearly don't approve and see her in a different light, as you say. If you socialise with her you're inevitably going to have to sit and listen to her talking about him and their relationship. Why do that if it is clearly something that will make your skin crawl? If you do stay friendly, you will probably just get sucked even further in. Her circle of friends will shrink so she will become increasingly dependent on those who choose to stay friendly with her.

Christmasss · 09/12/2023 08:59

I think I’d reply ‘I hope it all works out for you’ and leave it at that.
His poor wife.

Fairylightgirl · 09/12/2023 09:01

All I can think of is recommending she gets an STD test. He sounds grim.

5128gap · 09/12/2023 09:13

I wouldn't do either. I'd think she'd taken leave of her senses, and had chosen a path in life that she would come to deeply regret, and would feel sad about that. As I always do when I hear of women making these sorts of choices.
I couldn't pretend otherwise, so there would be no shared excitement and certainly no 'double dates' (He would repulse me and I couldn't socialise with him) so I'd listen in a neutral way I suppose. I wouldn't be volunteering my views. What's the point? Her decision is made and nothing I said would make a difference.

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 09:14

I would be honest with her.
Shes crazy, he’s left his wife and child just before Christmas, he sounds like he hits on everyone, I’m guessing he’s well off and just says the right things to women 🤢. She will get hurt, he will move on to someone else once he has got her pregnant.

Just1MoreMinute · 09/12/2023 09:15

You don’t have to do anything as there is nothing for you to do. She’s a grown up and capable of machine her own choices. If you are repulsed by her behaviour then I’m sure you can over time drop the friendship. If not, then carry on with the friendship and nod and smile and say ‘lovely’ in the right places and murmur some concern when appropriate, but don’t get emotionally involved with her love life because her love life is actually none of your business (unless you make it your business and good luck with that).

Brexile · 09/12/2023 09:30

I'd support her as a friend because that's what friends do. She may have made a mistake (time will tell) but pps acting like adulterers = social lepers are not living in the real world. It's not for us to police other people's relationships, plus I assume that the guy's most recent ex and small child will be provided for.

In fact the ex has probably had a lucky escape from a man who will only stop being serially unfaithful when he starts needing personal care. Intentionally or not, she's played a blinder.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2023 09:31

I’d ghost her ! Seriously
this is gross

Then be civil every time you see her

let her work it out

Calliopespa · 09/12/2023 09:34

🤮

Viviennemary · 09/12/2023 09:49

If you disapprove just keep her at arms length. I wouldn't get involved just ignore it. Nothing to do with you. If she asks you can tell her you don't approve and leave it at that.

LittleBearPad · 09/12/2023 09:50

Silly girl. I’d stay out of it especially if he’s your boss.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 09/12/2023 09:50

I think it's pretty obvious that she is hoping to line you up as an ally. She's about to become the talk of the workplace so gave a serious think about how involved you want to be. You may be putting yourself in a position where your career could be affected. Everyone at work will have their opinion, and you could find yourself negativity impacted.

MissTrip82 · 09/12/2023 09:51

I certainly wouldn’t chastise her as some suggest. Nobody has ever changed their course of action because someone got on their high horse and lectured them, and you still need to work with these people. I’d send something non-committal like ‘thanks for letting me know’.

I have zero idea what the PP going on about ‘girl code’ and ‘pussy’ (WTF?) was talking about but she sounded absolutely deranged.

Disturbia81 · 09/12/2023 09:55

Disgusting.. him more than any

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