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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:
BMWM340 · 09/12/2023 09:56

As someone who's just been on the receiving end of the news that my husband had another women (at our joint place of work)

Bin her off.
She had her 'new boyfriend' have single handily just destroyed lives.

I'm having to pick up the pieces now with a young child at home and it's fucking disgusting. The most hurtful thing in the world.

Runnerduck34 · 09/12/2023 09:57

If its a friendship you value I wouldn't cut her off like some are suggesting.
Friends are there for each other.
You don't know full picture- wife could have thrown him out.
He obviously isn't a catch- huge age gap, serial adultery. Number of kids with different women..
Money and power can turn heads for the wrong reason.
No doubt he is good at saying the right thing, your friend may be vulnerable, have low esteem, had difficult insecure childhood.
A friend of mine got into a similar situation but was basically looking for security love and a father figure.
So I would express concern for her welfare more than anything else. We all make bad choices but I think this is on the man who has wife and kids and he is likely to repeat his bad behaviour, although possibly the older he is he may be more faithful (or have less opportunity!) But he wouldn't be someone I'd want kids with and if this is important to her I wouldn't waste time on him so I would warn her off him for a number of reasons but stand by her to pick up pieces. If she works for him it would be better for her to find a new job.

burnoutbabe · 09/12/2023 09:59

CantFindTheBeat · 08/12/2023 19:03

Where do you work that a senior manager (not director) is nearly 70 and has a wife almost 40 years younger????

B&q maybe

I'd just not do anything here, if this was my friend I'd express some caution about his long term future with her but else just treat them as another couple now.

I have friends who had affairs and got married to them and it happens and no one shuns them.

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Startrekkeruniverse · 09/12/2023 10:00

StressedOutSemolina · 08/12/2023 18:31

I wouldn't judge because I'm not Jesus and I've made enough mistakes in life of my own. But I certainly wouldn't encourage it. I'd tell her it's up to her how she navigates her own life but I don't want to hear about it because I don't agree with what she's doing. IF she's a very good friend I'd be there for her when the shit hits the fan... which it will... but I'd make it extremely clear the fall out is only something I'll support once and if she ignores my advice and fucks up a second time she will be doing so without me.

This is the best advice in this situation.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 09/12/2023 10:03

Just respond with "Eww"

Gensola · 09/12/2023 10:12

How come he has a small child if he’s 70? Sounds like he has form for marrying younger women?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/12/2023 10:13

BMWM340 · 09/12/2023 09:56

As someone who's just been on the receiving end of the news that my husband had another women (at our joint place of work)

Bin her off.
She had her 'new boyfriend' have single handily just destroyed lives.

I'm having to pick up the pieces now with a young child at home and it's fucking disgusting. The most hurtful thing in the world.

Like you, I've been on the receiving end of this at a joint work place and ex attending functions with OW so people we both knew would see. Christmas in a couple of weeks will just add another layer of pain to the man's family and you know what? I wouldn't want in my life people capable of and what's more, apparently happy to do that to someone who's done nothing to them.

Waitingfordoggo · 09/12/2023 10:13

I wouldn’t say anything positive/encouraging or ask for details, but nor would I give her a monologue on morality. Best to stay neutral and keep a bit of a distance.

Not the same situation but a married friend said she had something ‘exciting’ to tell me and then told me she’d shagged someone that wasn’t her husband. I said ‘Oh right. Blimey.’ and then changed the subject. She clearly wanted to tell me about the night of passion and I didn’t want to hear it. But there was also no point in me telling her off. I concluded that we have different morals. We’re still friends but I lost respect for her and don’t see her in the same way now.

zingally · 09/12/2023 10:25

I'm pretty rough around the edges sometimes, and would probably say something like,
"What the heck?! Leaving his wife and young child just before Christmas? He doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh."

BlazingJune · 09/12/2023 10:26

Gensola · 09/12/2023 10:12

How come he has a small child if he’s 70? Sounds like he has form for marrying younger women?

errr...the same way as any man has a child. 😂

Mick Jagger is 80 and has a very young child.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 10:27

To me it’s a work friend. Unless you’re super close outside work I’d have no hesitation in binning her off and feeling no guilt about it. It’s a pity you’ll still have to see her and him at work but try to put your poker face on and be civil.

Guaranteed when it all goes tits up she’ll come running to you.

BlazingJune · 09/12/2023 10:28

I'd not judge.

Unless you know all the details, on all sides, anything could have happened.
His younger wife may have had enough of him and left, or had an affair.

Who knows?

On paper, it sounds tacky but if you are her close friend I'd probably raise an eyebrow and be ready with the tissues when it goes wrong.

Unless she asks for advice or your opinion, keep quiet.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 10:33

burnoutbabe · 09/12/2023 09:59

B&q maybe

I'd just not do anything here, if this was my friend I'd express some caution about his long term future with her but else just treat them as another couple now.

I have friends who had affairs and got married to them and it happens and no one shuns them.

Show quote history

Depends where they had their affairs.

I’ve known of 4 people having affairs (2 with other 2 etc) at my old workplace. 2 are still together, 2 aren’t. The fallout in one marriage meant one man’s wife was on antidepressants. Yes I probably was a judgy bitch and we did stay in touch a bit afterwards but a few people in the office shunned them. One of them had the gall to tell me “people often meet their partners at work”, well yes, but better to wait until he’s separated or divorced and don’t flaunt yourself by going for “friendly” lunches, drinks with others etc with him. This man definitely saw the younger child free woman as a catch compared to his ex with 2 young children at home.

Noghtsaving · 09/12/2023 10:35

If any of this is true, my first thoughts are that she has serious issues if she actually wants this man and thinks he is a catch.

MollyPuddingBowl · 09/12/2023 10:38

Like the others have said, I would keep my distance. I would be honest with her if
she is persistent in sharing her news. It won't end well for them.

WimbyAce · 09/12/2023 10:39

He sounds gross and she is a fool! There is obviously no long term hope for this, just a mess.

Iwanttogetitright · 09/12/2023 10:41

Spot on. Wtf is she playing at?

WhickDittington · 09/12/2023 10:43

I’m reminded of Mrs Merton’s question, “So what drew you to millionaire Paul Daniels?”

CantGetDecentNickname · 09/12/2023 10:57

I’d just tell her that I don’t like it and don’t wish to be a party to it and keep my distance. She knows what she has done is awful and is trying to have a confidant to somehow validate it in her mind so she doesn’t feel in the wrong.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 11:05

I'd be replying about his poor wife and child, being abandoned just before Christmas. How are they? Are they ok? Poor things, she must be feeling so awful.

And if course, she'll be able to go after the house, the savings, the pension, the maintenance, won't be much left for you and any kids you might have.

Then something wise about men who will dump and switch once will do it again, so better be on your toes, keep your wits about you.

With a side order of yes he tried it on with me and plenty of others a good few times but I had more sense.

And a bit of hmmm, I hope you enjoy being an unpaid nursemaid to an old man while you're still young.

I wouldn't be worried about keeping that friendship.

SuspiciousSue · 09/12/2023 11:24

Once a cheat always a cheat. She’ll be yesterday’s news before she knows it 🤷‍♀️ Ignore the text and ignore her. I couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

Gensola · 09/12/2023 11:37

@BlazingJune yes, my point being that his current wife must also be a lot younger than him, so he has previous form for getting with much younger women and leaving them! I know how babies are made thanks 🤦‍♀️

BMWM340 · 09/12/2023 11:44

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I'm sorry you've also been through this. I hope you're happier now and healed. I'm write at the beginning (I found out last month) and it's fucking soul destroying.

Calliopespa · 09/12/2023 12:08

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 11:05

I'd be replying about his poor wife and child, being abandoned just before Christmas. How are they? Are they ok? Poor things, she must be feeling so awful.

And if course, she'll be able to go after the house, the savings, the pension, the maintenance, won't be much left for you and any kids you might have.

Then something wise about men who will dump and switch once will do it again, so better be on your toes, keep your wits about you.

With a side order of yes he tried it on with me and plenty of others a good few times but I had more sense.

And a bit of hmmm, I hope you enjoy being an unpaid nursemaid to an old man while you're still young.

I wouldn't be worried about keeping that friendship.

I’m not sure what the point of this would be. That’s not to say there isn’t some truth in some of the observations, but as they work in the same establishment all OP would be doing is getting herself offside
with an employee who currently has the ear of a senior manager, who would probably pass on any such accusation that he’d tried it in with OP and called him an old man, thereby getting him offside as well. I could possibly understand risking speaking out out of some sense of integrity for the friendship, but then you’ve said the friendship isn’t worth pursuing anyway. I think this would be a case of opening mouth before engaging brain.

Calliopespa · 09/12/2023 12:12

BMWM340 · 09/12/2023 09:56

As someone who's just been on the receiving end of the news that my husband had another women (at our joint place of work)

Bin her off.
She had her 'new boyfriend' have single handily just destroyed lives.

I'm having to pick up the pieces now with a young child at home and it's fucking disgusting. The most hurtful thing in the world.

Sorry to hear this. It reflects on them not you. Be strong!