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Original poster

Work affair- just had a text

159 replies

Reesescheeses · 08/12/2023 18:24

A work friend I am generally quite close to has just messaged me to say that she’s been having an affair with one of the senior managers and he’s left his wife for her and they are now an item.

I haven’t replied because I feel quite shocked! It’s none of my business really but he is around 30 years her senior (she’s is in her 30s and makes no secret of the fact she wants kids) and he has a small child with his wife. He is nearly 70! Plus he has a reputation for hitting on any of the females under 40 in our department.

My honest feelings are wtf does she see in this much older man who is willing to break up his family because she’s younger and more physically attractive than his wife. It’s made me look at her differently and in all honesty I don’t want to go to dinner with her next week (as planned) while she excitedly talks about him.

How do I navigate this? Just lie that it’s very exciting and start planning double dates with them!!? Or be honest that I’m a bit worried for her and risk her cutting me off?

OP posts:
fulawitt · 09/12/2023 05:13

I would say that I would have to sit for a second if that were true as is it coming from nowhere and that it is quite some news. Then I would have lunch with her and tell her wtf as it's in my girl's code. I would expect her to be upset with me for some time but that she would change her mind and rule over pussy. I have no time for pussy girl. Anyways we all know the rule: junior quits when senior is done playing. 70? I hope she enjoys it while it's still up, because this is not going to last long.

TerfTalking · 09/12/2023 05:19

Well she’s done his wife a favour I’d say.

I’d text her back and say “really?”.

fulawitt · 09/12/2023 05:21

Well actually you would have already known if she was your friend. It's just an acquaintance, I would zip it and work.

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Relationship problems
SD1978 · 09/12/2023 05:26

I'm assuming with his age, and having a young child, he's on wife number 2 at least, or could be 3.....so he'll do it again to her. I personally would pull back from the friendship- I couldn't be arsed being caught up in the drama of him hitting on everyone in the office and being her sounding board when she's upset at being with a cheating arsehole.

Trez1510 · 09/12/2023 05:31

I don't think I've ever been blindsided like that by a friend. Being presented with such a fait accompli (we're a definite item and he's left his wife) would suggest to me this was an acquaintance. I've certainly, over the years, been taken aback by some announcements from acquaintances.

I'd tend to respond along the lines as suggested above 'Really?' and leave it at that. It allows her to confirm it was a joke, if it was. Otherwise, as others have suggested slow fade. This is the perfect time of year to be 'unavailable' due to so many socialisation 'pressures' from elsewhere.

Perfectlystill · 09/12/2023 05:38

I would not reply

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 05:44

just listen to her - she doesnt need your approval. have her back

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2023 05:59

SignoraItaliana · 08/12/2023 18:27

He's left his wife and small child just before Christmas? What a catch. Be honest with her, ask her wtf she is playing at.

This!

He is foul - and she is stupid and equally foul!

But I wouldn't call her out - just ignore the text and cancel your planned dinner.

What he has done to his family is unspeakable - and he will either do it to her, too, or (worse IMO) she will find herself in a few years stuck with a dirty old man who is only with her because other women now find him too disgusting to bother with, but who keeps humiliating her by trying it on with them.

Missingmyusername · 09/12/2023 06:04

Is she a friend or a work colleague? Do you want to retain the friendship?
I’d make my next move based on that.

It will likely go horribly wrong, you’ll be there to pick up the pieces (or not) as the case may be depending on the friendship.

PieAndLattes · 09/12/2023 06:04

Does this senior manager have anything to do with your work or career? If so, I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of them and I’d go with something neutral like, ‘Blimey, didn’t see that one coming - hope you’re OK’ or similar.

Guavafish1 · 09/12/2023 06:43

I think its best to talk to her in person. I would listen and not really give any advice.

I think its a situation where you won't be able to change anything.

shearwater2 · 09/12/2023 06:45

I'd just say something like "Ok, wow, that's quite a surprising update! Thanks for letting me know" and leave it at that. I'd try not to get involved.

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 06:57

I was in a similar situation to your friend, although I was much younger. All of my friends were so supportive and never really commented on the incompatibility. After a few years I saw sense and broke it off, I now look back and wonder what the he'll was I thinking (I was very besotted with this charming man), and I wish some people had given me a shake and a reality check rather than just accepting it

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 07:05

Stiritscrapeitmakeitbakeit · 08/12/2023 20:38

I did say she might need support.

You can choose to judge, but nothing is ever black and white. Relationships are very difficult, especially long term, and nobody can ever see inside someone else's relationship.

Friends don't judge one another. They can say that they are concerned, if they feel someone is taking a wrong path - that's part of being a good friend. But they don't judge.

Show quote history

I agree with this, I'm shocked how so many people would be so judgemental with their friends and quick to ditch them. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes and you don't know what is really happening in any situation. Be a friend, you don't always have to agree with their choices.

starlightcan · 09/12/2023 07:06

Genaula · 08/12/2023 18:28

I wouldn’t get involved at all, wouldn’t plan double dates and wouldn’t say anything back to her about it being a terrible idea as he’s seniors management and that will be awkward if she tells him what you say.

Good point

starlightcan · 09/12/2023 07:07

shearwater2 · 09/12/2023 06:45

I'd just say something like "Ok, wow, that's quite a surprising update! Thanks for letting me know" and leave it at that. I'd try not to get involved.

Good idea for a response

SD1978 · 09/12/2023 07:14

@Justfinking- I just couldn't. This man has already done the same thing with the wife he's cheating on- she came from the office too. He's know for being a letch. She in her mid thirties, so not some naive 20yr old. Her values don't align with mine, so fundamentally, I wouldn't be able to support the relationship, nor the friendship.

FortunataTagnips · 09/12/2023 07:33

If she’s a genuine friend rather than just a friendly colleague, I’d have to say something. Probably along the lines of “Gosh, this is a bit of a shocker. Are you sure about this? What about Amanda and little Milo?”

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 07:39

If he’s a senior manager I wouldn’t be too “judgey” about it in case she goes crying to him and it reflects on me. Equally I wouldn’t be supporting it! They are both gross.

I like the PP’s idea of a message saying: "Ok, wow, that's quite a surprising update! Thanks for letting me know" and leave it at that. Be “ill” for your next dinner, and just be polite and friendly at work. Don’t attend or arrange meet ups outside. If she specifically asks you, just say you’re not too comfortable with work relationships and prefer to keep it professional.

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 07:42

The reason being: if she hadn’t confided you about the affair you are not that close. If it was a super close friend I would offer support. It’s just complicated if they’re just a work colleague that you’re close to, these relationships don’t often hold up outside of the work context.

Namenumber3 · 09/12/2023 07:47

Affairs are horrible things but at least this one has reached a conclusion and as many PP have said it’s doubtful this relationship will be successful either.
I think the judgy comments aren’t useful. There’s a reason they’ve got together and it’s more helpful to get your friend to realise that he can’t be a good guy and certainly not good father material.

Them going to the Christmas party together will be very humiliating for the wife. I think that’s pretty low actually. I’d chat with her to get her to see that at least. It won’t reflect well on her. I’m guessing the office already know that personally he’s a sleaze.

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2023 07:49

She's vile. He's vile. Poor wife and kid.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 09/12/2023 07:52

That’s really grotesque. I wouldn’t reply either. Wish they’d teach morality in schools because some people are truly lacking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2023 07:53

I know op said she’s not coming back. But I’d be wondering if he did the same with an ex and his current wife.

wildwestpioneer · 09/12/2023 07:57

Grim. His poor wife.

I'd not know what to say tbh. Depends how well you know her. I'd not want to support her, and what an odd and uncaring thing to do, to walk into the Christmas Do together. There's no need to announce it, tbh I'd be embarrassed and ashamed in her shoes, not shouting it from the rooftops. Gives you an idea of just how selfish and un self aware they both are.