Can you coach a child to show autistic behavior's

[wonderings2]

This sounds bonkers and I'm probably going to get ripped to shreds but here goes...

My sister is convinced her 3 yo DD is autistic, the problem is she's the only one that does. In reaction to numerous people pointing out that they don't see the child showing any autistic behavior's she almost seems to be encouraging the child to behave in a certain way...

There are so many examples but a few:

She attends nursery 5 days a week for 10 hours a day, she has asked them for a SEN assessment but they refused as they have said she isn't showing any neurodiverse behavior's and they have no concerns regarding her development, but said if there are any specific adaptions she would like they would look into it, she asked for a tent /den that the child can go into when she overwhelmed that the other children know they cant go into, they put this in place but pointed out 2 months later that the child never uses it.

She has taught the child to shout "space" and (fairly gently) push a person /child away if she feels they are too close to her, the problem is no-one has actually seen he child do this unless her mum prompts her, so for example we were at a park and sister was fretting as another child was playing to close to her, so she got her attention and did the movement prompting the child to shout "space" and push the other child away. They were both happily playing before that but understandably the other child moved away.

She hovers over her playing and told another child off for climbing up the slide her DD was trying to slide down as "DD is autistic and doesn't understand when other children don't do things the right way, it could upset her and cause a melt down"

She claims the child has fixations on certain foods, toys tv shows etc but no-one else see's these, theres a never a photo (we share loads of photos) and you don't hear the child talk about it.

She doesn't include the child in activities like trick or treating and seeing Santa as it will overstimulate her then rants on social media about her being left out? Other family members take the child for the day and she copes fine.

Sisters husband was getting so concerned that he mentioned it to our mum, his Dad (a retired school teacher) and friends and they all said they didn't believe the child was currently showing any autistic behavior's. She reacted very badly to this, said a mum knows her child best and that we are all denial, the child only shows autistic traits around her because she feels safe with her and is masking all other times.

Interestingly she isn't pursuing a diagnosis as she is claiming the nursery agree with her (they don't) and when the child starts school next year they can provide support without needing a diagnosis??

Sure the best way to help is to support your sister to get a diagnosis for a condition that no one else sees any evidence of. A sister who has health anxiety and has already raised health concerns about her child that were totally unfounded. Crazy advice.

The first step is usually a speech therapy assessment and a hearing test - so not even a formal ASD assessment, if you can support her with that it would probably really help. It sounds to me like she really needs support and not judgement

I disagree that a parent wouldn’t already realise something is a bit different that early. I was wondering, but trying to put the thoughts from my mind, from before DS’s 1st birthday. He has no learning disability, no massive stims, speaks eloquently and is socially interested, so definitely not high needs.

Also as a parent of child who is potentially autistic you are a bit lost, probably panicking, concerned because everything you read says early intervention is crucial, yet not yet very knowledgeable about autism. I could see how that might result in a parent acting in the way the OP describes especially if she feels her concerns are being listened to.

Paid for an autism diagnosis how can that happen?

She is either chasing for benefits and the free motorbility car
OR
She is not well.

Either way someone needs to have a stern word about the fact she is trying to mess up her child.

It can't.

Could you not have gone straight to your GP? Teachers aren't medically trained. No way would i not push for an assessment because of school.

She's after the DLA, Carers allowance and free car.

I know someone who works in autism assessment and they say it is astonishing how many people seem to want a diagnosis for a clearly non autistic kid.

Even if your niece is autistic having her mum tell everyone isn’t going to do her any good psychologically. And if she not she’s going to have issues for life at this rate.

Id tell the dad to sort out a health visitor visit. If she’s got autism surely her mum can’t complain about the HV being aware.

Nailed it

Do you know how hard it is to get DLA ???!!! And to qualify for the high rate mobility for autism to get a car you have to be under the smi rules - you need HUGE amounts of evidence for this it’s not something anyone could fake 🤦‍♀️

OR her child has ASD

Exactly - we had this thrown at us till I pointed out the assessment complied with NICE guidelines and I’d specifically chosen a consultant who also worked in the nhs - they couldn’t argue with it then

Why is it? An assessment will give an answer either way.

We did. Several times. He referred us straight back to school.

She was also referred to CAMHS several times over the years, but she didn’t meet their threshold and was referred on to other organisations like Barnardos for talking therapy, and ELSA and stuff like that.

Schools are a big part of the assessment process. They just put every single thing down to anxiety or she was immature/young for her age, she’d grow out of it. They recognised she had difficulties- made adjustments for her, put support in place in class for her, and stuff like that, but just weren’t amenable to any kind of ASD assessment referral.

At home, over the years we’ve just put our own strategies in place and supported her. She was doing ok - until she wasn’t.

DD’s 18 and at college now, but they still had to fill in loads of questionnaires before she was accepted for the in-person assessments.

In our area, and I know it’s not legal, but the LA still insist they will not accept a private diagnosis

You and your family claiming that the child does not show traits of autism is the same as, if not worse than, your sister claiming she is autistic. None of you are qualified to assess the child.

My family struggled to accept that ds has autism because he seemed so normal. There’s been two adult diagnoses in my family of origin in the decade since he was first diagnosed, and 3 of my first cousins have dc with adhd and asd.

DS is sociable, chatty, clever and very charming to outsiders, which is everyone except me, dh and dd. We’re so lucky to finally be in a school that don’t hold those traits against him and recognise and meet his needs, which are very real.

(I don’t get a penny from anyone let alone a car. Just gossip, side eye and judgement. )

That wasn’t aimed at you @wonderings2 It’s very obvious that you’re concerned, and maybe with reason. I think befriending the dm and supporting her is probably the best approach whether her dc has autism, or the mum has Mh issues.

"She is either chasing for benefits and the free motorbility car"

Very few children with a diagnosis of autism qualify for the DLA level required to get a motability car.

I actually think it would be difficult to coach a child to show autistic behaviours as there a quite a range of behaviours associated with autism that arent exclusive to autism on their own. it would only be autism if the behaviour were across three specific areas and it was limiting and impairing every day

I think you could make a child anxious about things if you are anxious about them though.

The ados test would be very hard to coach a child to present autistic in if they werent as well.

Dads know their child too.

So she's in Nursery for 50 hours a week and you have the right to assess her. there is no way Nursery could and would breach confidentiality

It seems like it's you that's over invested. Be kind and supportive. Less judgement.

Sometimes the first one to realise a child is ND is their mother. I know the case of a little boy who no one realised except his mother, after few years he finally got an assessment.

Parental anxiety and mental health can make a child display the expected behaviour I've cared for a couple of children like this who reverted when the parent appeared, observations with ed psyc confirmed it was parent induced behaviour.

I agree with the posters who say it could be either. I do think undiagnosed autistic 3yo girls are significantly more common than munchausens though. Also you can't coach a child enough to get a diagnosis - my child was diagnosed recently and it's very thorough and included getting the school's views and an observation session with DD on her own (ADOS). So longer term it will probably come out one way or another.

Sounds like a form of munchausens. Ive known people self diagnose their dc at a ridiculously young age and read into behaviours being signs of ND when they are actually quite normal child behaviours but never someone actively encouraging their child to do things like this.