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Original poster

Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

398 replies

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

OP posts:
Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:16

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:05

It takes so much energy to force selfish people to behave decently. Energy that a new mother is unlikely to have.

It would be far easier if society conditioned men people to behave decently and fairly in the first place.

Show quote history

It’s not society’s job to sort out. How incredibly infantilising. A marriage is a private relationship and it is up to the individual to either choose a less selfish partner or put them straight when they’re behaving selfishly, if ‘me time’ is important to them.

Nowherenew · 05/12/2023 15:16

Women put on weight easier than men and struggle to lose it as easily as men because we are designed that way due to carrying babies.

I would never judge an overweight person because I know being overweight carries a lot of factors including medical issues, genetics, child obesity, stress, greed and laziness etc.

Perhaps she sits down all day scoffing her face with cake and ice cream, whilst her DH runs around after her and has to do everything for her and the kids.

Or more likely, they all eat similarly and have similar stress levels etc but she is predisposed to putting on weight and therefore happens to be overweight.

Yes being overweight is a choice but it’s not as simple as she just needs to lose it.

I think it’s disgusting that you are judging this poor women because she’s overweight whilst her DH happens to be slim.

And it’s a massive reach to try and blame her DH for her being overweight and it’s still judging her for it.

beanontoast · 05/12/2023 15:16

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:13

This woman is not a one-off. She is representative of many women, including myself, and part of a trend that I have been increasingly observing, perhaps because I am now more aware of it.

I don't judge or pity her, I admire her and all that she does. But I think it is a shame that, throughout marriage and raising young children, she hasn't been able to keep more of herself and maintain links with the activities which made her happy pre-DC. Her husband has managed to do this.

Show quote history

When you say she hasn't been able to 'keep more of herself' is this something she's expressed to you or is it just as assumption you've made? Because having kids does often change you, perhaps she considers herself to be living a different, but authentic, 'herself' since she's had children and is raising a family. Perhaps she is very content for her time to be spent doing that, perhaps she isn't bothered about having hobbies. Do you actually know any of this or, saying youre in a similar position, are you just projecting onto every other woman you perceive as being the same as you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weight management
Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:18

So if this trend you’re observing includes you, why not post about you, about your selfish husband, how fat you are due to him, why post about her?

Nowherenew · 05/12/2023 15:18

Wendyspotatopeeler · 05/12/2023 15:01

This is my family too. I've corrected the overfeeding and must finish the plates mentality that was pushed onto me by my parents, so my kids can regulate their hunger better.
DH doesn't think about food until he's starving and then he'll be happy with bland weetabix.
I love unhealthy food and wine and cannot regulate my hunger, think about food all the time. I've had to go on WL meds to lose any weight. DH has never made any comments and fancies me at any size.

I do think a lot of women have food issues that have been passed down the generations, which can also be a factor as to why women put weight on faster than men.

NoParticularPattern · 05/12/2023 15:21

ReallyVeryOverEverything · 05/12/2023 12:59

On an individual level I would think nothing at all.

On a societal level, I think it indicates that unbelievable impact that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood, have on a woman in so many ways, and the fact that men sail through this phase of their lives almost completely unscathed.

Meh don't tend to lose their routines, their free time, the time they can dedicate to their own health. They don't stop their hobbies or spend years sleep-deprived and snacking to stay awake at their desk at 3pm. They don't stop finding the time for haircuts, they don't completely overhaul their lives requiring a change of wardrobe from 'office chic' to 'church hall floor on Tuesday at 9am.

Women's lives are utterly impacted and men's aren't.

That's what I think when I see a healthy family and a woman who clearly holds them all together while neglecting some of her own needs. Sometimes for decades.

This. Absolutely this.

Ragwort · 05/12/2023 15:21

Not everyone wants to do exercise or go running etc or eat healthy food .. it's far too simplistic to think we would all be super fit & healthy if we had the money/time to dedicate to our lifestyle.
DH & I are retired, comfortable income, no time constraints .. but he loves hiking, keeping fit, going to the gym etc and I don't ... so yes, I am overweight but it's got nothing to with lack of time or money (just being greedy and not enjoying exercise).
But equally, why would anyone judge me ... I hope people like me for myself rather than my appearance... and I don't seem to have any lack of friends.

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:22

Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:16

It’s not society’s job to sort out. How incredibly infantilising. A marriage is a private relationship and it is up to the individual to either choose a less selfish partner or put them straight when they’re behaving selfishly, if ‘me time’ is important to them.

Show quote history

You were the one who said most men are selfish. That's a societal issue about the messaging given to them about their role and responsibilities, not an issue for individual women to sort out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:25

Redissuereader · 05/12/2023 15:07

I'm with you @ChocolateHippo I am this woman too. I was all ready for a workout after work tonight and have had the phone call to say a lift home is needed instead so therefore... it will be another day of good intentions not carried out.

This happens so often to the women I know. Or an ill child off from school or nursery, a medical appointment or a schoolfriend's party to attend.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 05/12/2023 15:26

I'd think that the weight of every other human being on the planet is 100% not my business.

Tacotortoise · 05/12/2023 15:28

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:01

Can I ask any of those who have contributed another question as well?

How much time for hobbies or self-care (i.e. when you're not working, sleeping (though I suppose lie-ins count!), caring for children or doing chores) do you get a week? If you had more, what would you prioritise doing?

  1. Considerably more than my dh.
  1. Doing the diy/chores that never get done. After that I'd spend more time on hobbies/ my social life.
Rewis · 05/12/2023 15:31

Tons of everweight people are active, have hobbies and do sports. It is quite easy to be overweight and often it doesn't affect your everyday life. I coach afitls football team and we have mothers. Some are overweight, some are not.

violetcuriosity · 05/12/2023 15:32

She's given up her body to have her skinny husbands kids. She's knackered and snacks on sugar and coffees while she enjoys her babies. She has time to lose the weight later- if she wishes too.

Or

It's none of my business and I wouldn't notice because I'm too busy concentrating on my own feral kids.

OP I'm guessing you're asking about your own family. Just enjoy your babies while they're little- you've got time to lose weight you don't have much time with them x

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:33

So op, stil prefer to talk about tnis friend and this trend you’re apparently observing and not you, who is part of this trend?

YouJustDoYou · 05/12/2023 15:38

Mum is fucking well running everything and is too fucking exhausted from carrying both the entire mental load and running a household to even have the mental capacity to look after herself right now.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 05/12/2023 15:39

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

That you are indeed extremely judgemental and I would hate to spend time with you in a social setting if you are ogling people this intensely all the time? It's DNA that decide if you put weight on easily or not. My mother struggled all her life to lose weight. My father was thin as a whippet. My sister inherited his towering height and my mother's weight, and people like you innocently wondering why she was overweight, sent her spiraling into bulimia. I inherited my mother's lack of height and my father's figure.

All the time I lived at home, I was the one eating crisps and drinking sugary drinks while my Mum and sister ate healthily and worked out. I just had to skip a meal and I couldn't fit my clothes. They struggled year after year with their weight.

This is 2023 so believing overweight people are lazy or glutenous just proves you haven't been keeping up with the latest in science. Some people find it extremely difficult to lose weight. Calling them lazy or worse is shallow and cruel.

Tiredalwaystired · 05/12/2023 15:40

I don’t think it would cross my mind but if I was pushed I might thing genetics and the kids got the dads genes on this.

But a very bizarre question!

lirbravoncant · 05/12/2023 15:41

@Usernamen I think like most women my friend put her baby before everything including herself. I did spell it out to him but as you say he was being selfish and felt that he needed to feel well in himself so he could enjoy fatherhood and be a better support to his wife, how he didn't have the self awareness to realise that his wife was human just like him and would also benefit from some of that.

curaçao · 05/12/2023 15:42

I would think it was because the mum had had multiple pregnancies and the kids and dad hadn't?

lirbravoncant · 05/12/2023 15:43

@MoreThanEnoughSoFar I think looking at the OPs later posts she was thinking that toll having kids takes on women is far greater and that the husband didn't have to give up his exercise time once the kids came along but she did. She isn't judging the woman at all in the way you think.

Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:45

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:22

You were the one who said most men are selfish. That's a societal issue about the messaging given to them about their role and responsibilities, not an issue for individual women to sort out.

Show quote history

Marriage problems are for the individuals to work through. Some people may not have such a problem with selfishness, others may not like it and wish their partner were less selfish. It is up to the individual to decide what behaviour to tolerate in their marriage and what not to tolerate. This goes for a whole range of behaviours, not just selfishness.

Unless you’re against living in a free society and being able to choose your partner?

gannett · 05/12/2023 15:45

ReallyVeryOverEverything · 05/12/2023 12:59

On an individual level I would think nothing at all.

On a societal level, I think it indicates that unbelievable impact that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood, have on a woman in so many ways, and the fact that men sail through this phase of their lives almost completely unscathed.

Meh don't tend to lose their routines, their free time, the time they can dedicate to their own health. They don't stop their hobbies or spend years sleep-deprived and snacking to stay awake at their desk at 3pm. They don't stop finding the time for haircuts, they don't completely overhaul their lives requiring a change of wardrobe from 'office chic' to 'church hall floor on Tuesday at 9am.

Women's lives are utterly impacted and men's aren't.

That's what I think when I see a healthy family and a woman who clearly holds them all together while neglecting some of her own needs. Sometimes for decades.

For the societal level assumptions to be relevant this would have to be an actual societal trend, which I'm not convinced about. I don't really make a habit of observing people's weight closely but offhand I can't say I've noticed the overweight mum/slim dad dynamic any more than the overweight dad/slim mum one.

Hundreds of reasons that any person could be slim or not, none of which are my business.

gannett · 05/12/2023 15:46

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

What do you think when you see an overweight dad but slim/fit mum and kids? Seems just as common?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 05/12/2023 15:46

I don't tend to analyse this much but now that I have, this is the pattern I see with many friends and neighbours including myself. I think its quite typical actually.

For me I have always had issues with food and stress and have had huge fluctuations, definitely influenced by how I cope with stress. Dh copes with stress by exercise, and yes he is quite selfish about it. He always says he will support me for my exercise regime but I find excuses not to go and instead i eat a lot of crap. so in that respect its my fault, plus i was overweight when i was young anyhow. However I feel he could do a lot more to reduce my stress with the knock on effect that I would comfort eat less but he doesn't see it that way.

Dh and all his friends and most of the men I know are into fitness, they are all cliche mid life crisis men either taking up cycling or running and talk constantly about their times, goals etc. They are also successful at work and I think that's the competitive edge. If I meet my friends we eat cake and moan about our kids/partners/routines. I certainly wouldn't go jogging because Mary and Anne are going.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/12/2023 15:51

@gannett , yes. First baby on the way, mum and dad are both eating for 2. PFB turns up. Mum BFs and loses the weight, dad stays fat.