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Original poster

Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

398 replies

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

OP posts:
TheMaryBones · 05/12/2023 15:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:00

I don’t think it would register for me unless the mother was huge I.e. really morbidly obese.

Everyone talking about mental load and exhaustion from running after multiple children, the following is a choice in almost all circumstances:

  • Martyring yourself and taking on ALL the mental load despite being in a two-parent family
  • Having multiple children
  • Having multiple children close together so the parents exhaust themselves juggling new-borns and toddlers, or multiple toddlers.
Wendyspotatopeeler · 05/12/2023 15:01

This is my family too. I've corrected the overfeeding and must finish the plates mentality that was pushed onto me by my parents, so my kids can regulate their hunger better.
DH doesn't think about food until he's starving and then he'll be happy with bland weetabix.
I love unhealthy food and wine and cannot regulate my hunger, think about food all the time. I've had to go on WL meds to lose any weight. DH has never made any comments and fancies me at any size.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weight management
Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:01

Can I ask any of those who have contributed another question as well?

How much time for hobbies or self-care (i.e. when you're not working, sleeping (though I suppose lie-ins count!), caring for children or doing chores) do you get a week? If you had more, what would you prioritise doing?

OP posts:
beanontoast · 05/12/2023 15:02

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:58

It’s just an appalling assumption, so judgey, oh her marriage must be a bit shit , selfish husband, and she’d be slim if she had time.

aghast anyone thinks that.

Agree, think people forget the average dress size is 16 so not all women are 'slim' anyway. And some people actually like being a bit bigger/it suits them compared to being slimmer. I'd love to be curvier and be able to put on some boob/bum weight, as it is I have to stay slim or else I look like an orange on sticks.

Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:02

lirbravoncant · 05/12/2023 14:36

I saw this when my friend had her baby, her husband still went for his daily run, he played squash twice a week, meditated every day and had his down time. I asked him about it an he was defensive saying how he could better support his wife if he was fit and well rested, I suggested he could better support her by giving up some of his "me time" to look after the baby so his wife could get a break, have a bath, exercise, whatever she wanted but he didn't like that one little bit.

Show quote history

Why isn’t the wife insisting on her ‘me time’ though?

IME, most men are unspeakably selfish so you may need to spell this out to them.

Evilcold · 05/12/2023 15:03

dammit88 · 05/12/2023 12:52

Im not sure I would think anything but since you put it out there ...

Maybe she does doesnt enjoy sports/ exercise
Maybe she would love do but doesnt get time and dads a bit selfish
Maybe she has a physical issue that means she can't?
Maybe she loves eating?
Maybe she likes being curvier?
Maybe he likes her curvier?
Maybe her hobbies just aren't active ones?

This. Plus:
Maybe she has had to take medication that causes weight gain.

Hattie89 · 05/12/2023 15:04

beanontoast · 05/12/2023 14:53

I don't think anything really? Maybe the Mum isn't bothered about it and the Dad likes her how she is?

Thank you for this. A refreshing response.

I’m married to a man who would love me to be a bit fatter. He said he would miss my pregnancy body when I started finally losing the baby weight. Not in a controlling way before anyway tells me to LTB. 😁

In my experience, it was really hard to lose the baby weight, especially when breastfeeding. I exercised several times a week and was always about 50kg to pre children. I also ate very well. But I found I didn’t really care about my body in that weight sense anymore- at a time when I was so caught up and preoccupied being anxious about my baby’s feeding, sleeping, milestones etc…

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:05

Usernamen · 05/12/2023 15:02

Why isn’t the wife insisting on her ‘me time’ though?

IME, most men are unspeakably selfish so you may need to spell this out to them.

Show quote history

It takes so much energy to force selfish people to behave decently. Energy that a new mother is unlikely to have.

It would be far easier if society conditioned men people to behave decently and fairly in the first place.

OP posts:
Souvenir81 · 05/12/2023 15:06

Mum doesn’t get time to look after herself

Mum has an eating disorder

Mum has a health issue and can’t loose weight

Mum genetic is different and kids inherented the husband’s genetics

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:06

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:01

Can I ask any of those who have contributed another question as well?

How much time for hobbies or self-care (i.e. when you're not working, sleeping (though I suppose lie-ins count!), caring for children or doing chores) do you get a week? If you had more, what would you prioritise doing?

Hobbies and self care don’t make you slim, are you quite ok?

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:07

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:06

Hobbies and self care don’t make you slim, are you quite ok?

Show quote history

This is a different question.

OP posts:
Redissuereader · 05/12/2023 15:07

I'm with you @ChocolateHippo I am this woman too. I was all ready for a workout after work tonight and have had the phone call to say a lift home is needed instead so therefore... it will be another day of good intentions not carried out.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:07

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:05

It takes so much energy to force selfish people to behave decently. Energy that a new mother is unlikely to have.

It would be far easier if society conditioned men people to behave decently and fairly in the first place.

Show quote history

Most men do behave decently, every Man I know does. Yes there is shitty ones, as there is shitty women, there always will be,

why are yoh so intent on judging this woman and her marriage?

Wendyspotatopeeler · 05/12/2023 15:08

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:01

Can I ask any of those who have contributed another question as well?

How much time for hobbies or self-care (i.e. when you're not working, sleeping (though I suppose lie-ins count!), caring for children or doing chores) do you get a week? If you had more, what would you prioritise doing?

I have absolutely loads of time to myself. We share the household chores. I love a spa night. Funnily enough though, a glass of wine in front of the telly doesn't do much for weight loss. I don't have hobbies and despise sports/ exercise.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:09

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:07

This is a different question.

Show quote history

A different question that you are not ok?

so what if she’s overweight, it’s none of your business.

user1483387154 · 05/12/2023 15:10

I think that anyone that is so awful to judge people and families by their weight is someone to avoid

beanontoast · 05/12/2023 15:11

Hattie89 · 05/12/2023 15:04

Thank you for this. A refreshing response.

I’m married to a man who would love me to be a bit fatter. He said he would miss my pregnancy body when I started finally losing the baby weight. Not in a controlling way before anyway tells me to LTB. 😁

In my experience, it was really hard to lose the baby weight, especially when breastfeeding. I exercised several times a week and was always about 50kg to pre children. I also ate very well. But I found I didn’t really care about my body in that weight sense anymore- at a time when I was so caught up and preoccupied being anxious about my baby’s feeding, sleeping, milestones etc…

Show quote history

As someone naturally tall and slim I also loved my pregnancy body. First time in my life I had boobs and some curves. And who can blame a new Mum for not caring as much about their weight when you have kids to run around after. Honestly there's more to life than what you weigh and having kids is surely the prime time to realise that. I am really into my exercise but after my kids for a long time my 'self care' was a bath, a glass of wine and some chocolate or a dinner out, not going to the gym or for a run!

ToddlerMumma · 05/12/2023 15:11

I'd think the family have the time and bandwidth to indulge in hobbies, sports, extra curricular activities and the woman doesn't.
This is me. I'd love to have time to go to yoga, run at the weekend, enjoy some self care. The reality is, I'm at the bottom of my own priority list. New Year's resolution - take care of me too

Tryingmybestadhd · 05/12/2023 15:12

Are we supposed to think something ? I don’t even pay attention ? What do you think ?

beanontoast · 05/12/2023 15:12

There is already so much pressure on women to 'bounce back' and 'get their body back' after kids, I have no idea why other women would want to contribute to that by judging someone who's a bit bigger when they're raising a family

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:13

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:07

Most men do behave decently, every Man I know does. Yes there is shitty ones, as there is shitty women, there always will be,

why are yoh so intent on judging this woman and her marriage?

Show quote history

This woman is not a one-off. She is representative of many women, including myself, and part of a trend that I have been increasingly observing, perhaps because I am now more aware of it.

I don't judge or pity her, I admire her and all that she does. But I think it is a shame that, throughout marriage and raising young children, she hasn't been able to keep more of herself and maintain links with the activities which made her happy pre-DC. Her husband has managed to do this.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 05/12/2023 15:14

Unless you are the mum in question I cannot understand why it would cross your mind

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 15:15

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 15:13

This woman is not a one-off. She is representative of many women, including myself, and part of a trend that I have been increasingly observing, perhaps because I am now more aware of it.

I don't judge or pity her, I admire her and all that she does. But I think it is a shame that, throughout marriage and raising young children, she hasn't been able to keep more of herself and maintain links with the activities which made her happy pre-DC. Her husband has managed to do this.

Show quote history

Look deal with your own marriage and issues, if you’re in rhe same boat. Unless she’s complaining to you, her weight is not your business,

Iateallllllthepies · 05/12/2023 15:15

This thread is interesting, as someone who was formerly morbidly obese with a normal sized family.

On one hand, it’s really horrible to think that I may have been judged on having some awful, drudgery of a life and that my husband was an arsehole (not true at all), that I had no time for myself or that people assumed I must have an illness or a genetic pre disposition.

Better than the truth though, which was just that I liked eating shit all the time. Although, I was on first name terms with the staff in my local greggs and I had the embarrassing incident of the new owners of the kebab/chip/pizza place personally deliver my order one night as I was their best customer and they wanted to introduce themselves (God, the shame!!), I think they all knew the truth.