How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

Do you want a relationship? It sounds like you do? Unfortunately dating is just a numbers game. I went on many, many, many demoralising dates via online dating before I met my DH. I essentially treated dating like a job until I met someone I clicked with but I do know how crap it can be sometimes so I sympathise.

Are you fulfilled in other ways? Do you have good friends? Hobbies and interests? Pets?

@ThreeRingCircus I do want a relationship but I feel chewed up and spat out by men and dating. I also feel like I've crossed that invisible divide where men of roughly my own age have no interest in me anymore and that the only men who do are 15 years older than me.

Where abouts in the country are you located? I have a friend who is similarly single through no fault of his own ( not weird, no red flags etc) No problem making introductions if you are in the midlands!

A cliche I'm afraid but comparison is the thief of joy. Most people do put on a show when others are around, though you see the other side of it on here on the relationships board.

I'm in a similar position tho divorced. I just keep as busy as I can and the rest of the time concentrate on pleasing myself.

@ryanne I'm in the north sorry.

@Summerhillsquare At least you have been married and had a chance at that life I never even got that and not it feels too late to be anyone's someone special except an old mans nursemaid.

If you're set on bagging a husband rather than working on being happy single then you need to put yourself out there. There are many things you can do to freshen your looks without going under the knife but the one thing that will make you more attractive to everyone around you is to let go of your negative outlook. Being happy, confident and comfortable in your skin is sexy and attractive no matter what age you are.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. This is why I struggle to understand women who claim they are really super-happy permanently single. For a few years it's OK, or after 25-30 years of marriage it may be nice to be single for a few years - if your marriage was a bad one, or just a stale one.

But I think being alone forever is hard going to be honest. I know/have known quite a number of women who have really, really struggled for many years being a single woman, (financially AND emotionally,) and they sometimes feel like your aunt did sometimes. Resentful of women in relationships, and quite angry with how their life is.

I was single til my mid 20s and I have to say whilst I had a few friends, and travelled to a few countries etc, I am much happier in a relationship. I used to look at couples, and feel really envious of the women who had a man, and were in a relationship.

Maybe some women are happy permanently single. Wouldn't be for me, for all the reasons you have mentioned.

No solid advice sorry @jojobony Just lots of sympathy for you, as you sound quite unhappy. Hopefully some people come along and give some advice.

@FreshWinterMorning I appreciate you posting and saying what you have, its frustrating when people tell me just to be happy single, I've been single and had some good times but I'm so bloody fed up of being alone and constantly fending for myself with nobody to help.

I was with an old university friend for a couple of years in my early 40's, he was my age and we had lost touch but reconnected and dated for a while, I developed quite strong feelings for him but when I tried to progress the relationship he told me in no uncertain terms that I was too old for him, that he still wanted children and so was only looking to settle own with someone younger, 10 + years younger. It made me feel so shit and like a total fool. When we finally did split up he was dating a woman 12 years younger than him within a few months, they live together and have a child now. I think that really crushed me to realise that the men my age if they are at all attractive, not in debt and so on can fairly easily find someone younger and they know that so hold out for it.

Would someone lovely who happens to be older be so bad?

I'm 45, to me someone older is up to early 50's maybe 55 at most the older men I am talking about are 60+, that is too old.

So you really are ruling people out then! then you need to accept it’ll never happen.

@Newsenmum Oh get real, I am saying I'd like to date a man roughly my own age. Dating a man in his 60's, is that what you expect me to do? My father is in his 60's.

Also of course I am ruling people out, that is my right I never said anywhere in my OP I'd have any man that wanted me did I?

I think there is being blinkered and being realistic- not wanting to date someone 15 years older seems perfectly reasonable tbh. Dh is 11 years older, I'm 50, and I feel the difference now.
I'm sorry op, I think the lining up of opportunities sometimes doesn't happen and randomly people end up single. There is definitely still time - friends who are divorced are meeting people. I would maybe think about widening real life as well as online and a glow up (nothing wrong with some Botox or whatever if you fancy trying it).
At least if you have a new hobby or interest there's stuff to talk about?

@OneFrenchEgg Thank you, yeah I don't think I am being unreasonable, I'd potentially go 10 years older for the right man but even that is a bit of a gap as you get older. A good friend of mine is with a woman 16 years older than him, he is now in his mid 50's and while he still loves her very much it is very difficult between them. That puts me off pursuing relationships with much younger men too.

I think I just need to hunker down for a bit and then look a things fresh in the new year.

I totally understand your reluctance to date anyone 10+ years older than you! I'm 50 and NO way would I date a 60 year old. No thanks.

OLD is by a lot of accounts awful, however my experience is totally different. I split with my husband (mutually, we're friendly 99% of the time) after 22 years of marriage and 2 children, and hopped on the OLD circuit out of pure interest 4 weeks later. I had 4 dates, no 4 turned out to be AWESOME. We moved in together after a couple.of months.

So OLD can be good. I think it's pure chance, timing and location play a massive part. My boyfriend had been on and off OLD for 11 months before he met me and was losing the will to live.

Don't give up. There are plenty of people out there who are separating in their late 40s or early 50s, they won't want children as they likely have some already. My boyfriend (age 52) put his lowest age range at 35 I laughed and said no way would he really want a 35 year old who wanted to start a family. Not in reality. He agreed that yes the reality wasn't that great a prospect - starting again with babies.

If some plastic surgery or similar makes you feel good about yourself then do it. Choose your surgeon carefully obviously. If you appear confident with yourself you will attract people. I look slightly younger than my years, have a decent face but am 3 stone overweight. First 3 dates looked visibly disappointed by my figure! 🤣 Boyfriend prefers a bit chunky and was taken with my confident air and face!

Don't give up.

I think you have a very rosy and naive view of marriage that wouldn’t stand to scrutiny.

And yet, how many times do you hear on MN that when a man in his 60s find a woman 20 years younger, he is looking for a nurse.
Or that someone at 60 and 40 don’t have the same interests because they are at different stages in their life.

Come on. Saying you don’t want to date people 20 years older than you isn’t being picky!

"So you really are ruling people out then! then you need to accept it’ll never happen."

What are you talking about @Newsenmum?
You genuinely believe if OP doesn't date someone 60+ it'll never happen?

The reason so many older men get younger girlfriends is because too many women have low standards and don't realise they're worth more than most men out there. The answer to that is not for OP to remove all standards and settle with someone her dads age. There will be plenty of men out there who want women their own age.

I'm sure you could look younger and prettier if you wanted. First thing is to watch your weight. A little over is ok so long as you don't get too big.
Then - don't let your hair go grey. Keep it the same colour as it always was.
Not too heavy on the make up.
Get plenty of sleep.
Eat healthy, not too much Chinese!
I'm 72 and in the summer I still wear shorts. My hair is long and brown. Mutton dressed as lamb? Yeah but who cares? I still get attention from men ...life is fun!

I can totally understand not wanting to date someone 15 years older.

I don't know if it helps or not but it's not a case of marriage making you happy. The number of people who have long and happy marriages are a minority. Being unhappily married is worse imo that being unhappily single so don't settle.

Nope, I know things can go wrong and that some people end up unhappy or worse but I also know that plenty of people do have loving and supportive marriages. I'd at least like a chance at that, I've been single long enough to know the other side of things and I've had enough of it.

I am not overweight and my hair isn't grey it is coloured. I have always been into maintaining my appearance and dressing well. I am fit and eat well, I am the same weight I always was. But when you get to menopause, perimenopause your skin and face changes men know you are in the older woman bracket. Sure plenty of men would be happy to sleep with me and older men would want to date me or marry me but men my own age they only want to get serious about much younger women.

What about going for a man 10 years older ?
I think feeling better about your looks will help you with self -esteem and general wellbeing .
What about some Botox? Less risky than filler ? Haircut, new clothes x

I did say I would go for a man that much older if he were the right man but I wouldn't just got for any man that age or any age to be fair. It has to be the right man either way.

Would you consider HRT OP? Because that can help with skin and hair issues in menopause

But as to the bigger picture, I think it’s a numbers game. There are divorced men in their mid 40s to mid 50s coming into the market, and unless they want more kids, they are not going to be looking for women under 40.