How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

With respect OP, that's not what you said! You said 'at least I had a marriage'.

I'm ok with this, as I get you can't understand my situation (and as a PP said, it's your thread, not mine!)

But of course I wasn't saying that all marriages would be abusive.

And I also get your wider point that (although it was a bad outcome) I did get to have the option of marriage - and you haven't.

But the only truth is that your own happiness comes from within, not in a cliched sense, but there is no set of external circumstances that can make you happy.

@EducatingArti

That's a great post, and very wise.

Ah I get you thanks, yeah I can't believe the amount of posters who have told me to consider men in their late 50's or even 60's! I imagine they are all single men in that age range with their eyes on mid 40's women!

Well you did have a marriage in that you were married to someone. I suppose you mean that is was a marriage in name only in that you didn't have a true partner and I did express regret for that.

As I said things get lost in translation in online spaces as adults if we are going to use them we have to accept that.

I interpreted ‘at least you had a marriage’ as simply meaning that being single following an abusive marriage and being single for the long haul, ‘left on the shelf’ sort of thing, aren’t really comparable, especially if you have children.

That’s not saying one is worse or better or that abusive relationships aren’t terrible. They are and I think MN covers that well, but I do find that when (as OP has found) someone has a vent about being single there are so many posts reminding you of this it does get a bit tedious. There are problems and downsides to single life, especially long term, and these should be able to be shared without ‘at least you’ …

@Summermeadowflowers Yes and thank you!

We're splitting hairs OP 🙄

I know what you mean about 'having a marriage'. I said so! I get your point about having had that experience of meeting someone, deciding to get married, believing I had a life partner.

Given what he put me through, apart from the fact I have 3 lovely children, I wish I'd never met him & got married.

So it's just a pointless comment really, in terms of your argument. I didn't 'gain' anything - bar my DC.

I do wonder why you keep ignoring my wider points, but as you said, it's your thread! So you can, I guess. I think your focus is misdirected, really.

I wasn't offended by OP's post / replies. I am by yours.

You are correct that we cannot compare situations - OP's hurt / pain is completely valid for her. As is mine, for me.

But in terms of situations? You can be damn sure an abusive marriage is way worse than never being married at all, regardless of how lonely or unfulfilling that is. FFS.

There are problems and downsides to single life, especially long term, and these should be able to be shared without ‘at least you’

As far as I can see, no-one said 'at least you..' to the OP? The reverse in fact.

And my final comment on this point - my post was nothing to do with the abusive marriage aspect - that was simply mentioned to explain why I was single, like OP, in a difficult situation, and that I had felt / still feel some of what she described, that I empathised, and what worked for me.

I met my dh online dating at 47. I never had a problem with age-just didn’t bother with the ones looking for much younger women. And I was honest about how old I was and I still had a lot of messages. I used to treat dating as spending a couple of hours with someone who might be interesting and if there was nothing further then it didn’t matter. I also think some sites attract different types. If you’ve a particular hobby, are there singles forums or associated dating sites? There are men out there who are decent and just want a nice relationship-you have to filter out the ones who aren’t and don’t take it personally.

But in terms of situations? You can be damn sure an abusive marriage is way worse than never being married at all, regardless of how lonely or unfulfilling that is. FFS

But we aren’t playing a game of tit for tat, and this is what does become a bit tedious.

I think most women are well aware of abuse and we are all affected by it, some more than others.

But this thread isn’t about that. And by insisting that it is - by endlessly telling the OP that a cruel or neglectful or violent partner is worse - it means that any venting about single life or life not panning out as expected has to be done with a whole load of disclaimers.

If you are offended then I obviously regret that because it is not my intention but equally the thread is not about abusive relationships, it’s about being long term single and trying to find a way through that. I may not have all the answers but reaching your 40s without a partner or children can be difficult to navigate, which is largely why it is not the same as those who were in relationships resulting in children that failed for whatever reason.

I think you have the advantage of knowing what you want - a relationship (with someone up to 10 years older than you.) There's one thing for it - take a pride in your appearance (I wish it weren't so looks driven but you're right it is!) and get back on OLD and try and enjoy the ride.
It won't be easy but you have to be in it, to win it and you'll likely be more bitter if you don't try.

Have had 2 (well 4) delightful colleagues suddenly pair up in their late 40s after being single/divorced, Now been happy for years. Do you have anybody that you get on well with, but neither of you have considered romance?

I'm 39 and feel the same. Longest relationship a year, never lived with a man
Last "relationship" ended horrendously after 10 months when I discovered he wasn't actually single and had spent all that time lying to me. Then lying to his girlfriend that I had raped him after I told her

After that I just think I could spend another 10 months with someone and find out the same thing and I can't do it again. Plus due to health issues I'm quite boring (work, hobbies, work, sleep, Netflix, exercise) and not conventionally attractive. I tend to get men who think it's fine to want to sleep with me but not be seen with me (tall, glasses, size 16 and red head)

Yup see why you are single now. Seriously take your age blinkers off - it may not be for you but you are insulting a whole plethora of people here through your narrow-minded views. It may not work for you but why are you so agesist about others' experiences? Sorry OP but I don't think it is your age that is putting off potential partners

Most husbands don't take their wives out to the opera and to London for a couple of nights, whilst looking after them, paying for beauty treatments and allowing them to stay at home. Most wives are run ragged by their children, which, incidentally feck up their figures and cause them to wee when they cough. Then they have to pick up after their husbands. If they do stay at home, usually their husbands work long hours to pay for it, so the lions share of childcare and housework lands on them, including the many after school groups. You are really focussing on the absolute best bits of someone's life and comparing them to your worst bits. That's a very distorted way of looking at things. I think that your expectations of men and relationships may be unduly high, due to you having focussed on this.

My friends experience re online dating is that men tend to want a younger woman. If you put your real age down, you'll be inundated with men in their 60s. Personally I would join local groups instead and see if that works. Maybe a walking group, or cookery classes, or volunteer at a charity once a week. Try different approaches.

Stop trying to gaslight or guilt trip me into dating much older men I am not attracted to or interested in, seriously what is the point? Its pretty clear most women my age don't want to date men so much older so just quit it with trying to make out like its all down to me not wanting to date a 60 year old, just no!

This thread is wild. What's with the insistence that OP should just date men her father's age, and she's just being picky?

I'm long-term single and fine with it, and I can't imagine finding anyone I'd want in my home 24/7. But if I did, he wouldn't be 60.

@Bernardmanning Of course I understand that not every marriage is as good as theirs or that getting treated to romantic cultural trips isn't the norm, it was just that instant that got to me. Again its with "the marriage isn't that great anyway shtick" I happen to be aware of lots of loving and happy marriages and I want a shot at that, I want to know how it feels even if it doesn't work out. Its all very well for women who have had that or have it to try and invalidate my feelings and my needs. They don't know anything about my experience, of what it is like to be me.

In my op and elsewhere I state I have done groups (hobbies, classes, meet ups) and in many cases they are full of single women hoping to meet men and very few if any men at all.

Yep I find there is something off about the amount of posters shaming me for not considering dating men of 60 + Its like in real life do they actually know any women in their 40's? Its delusional to think women my age would be interested in men that age bracket.

OP, have you thought about volunteering in an old people's home as a way of meeting someone? I'm surprised that hasn't been suggested yet by some of the posters! (Whom I suspect are male and in their 70s, trying to normalise women being submissive and curbing their enjoyment and wishes). I mean, why on earth wouldn't you want to enjoy pushing a man around in a wheelchair and going out for romantic meals in Garden Centre Cafes? How rewarding it would be to sacrifice your life to care for someone in their old age! A whole geriatric world awaits you, if only you weren't being so damn picky!!

Sarcasm aside, my mum went through all of this when she was left widowed at 50. Friends tried to fix her up with men in their 70s with walking sticks.

You'll be pleased to learn, however, that she did meet a lovely man in the end, a couple of years younger, who had a good job, was financially stable, kind, loving and had his own teeth.

@Bernardmanning You know I might just try that although I might be overwhelmed by all the eligible old men in the day room watching bargain hunt! I quite agree with you I suspect there are indeed some older men posting here and getting quite indignant that I have said I am not interested in men that age and do not find them attractive, I'd rather be alone and that is saying something!

Nice to hear about your mum! Fingers crossed I guess, perhaps I should give one of the younger men who message me a chance, at least they might be fun if not in it for the long term.

@Summermeadowflowers

I'm really not sure what your problem is. Or that you read my posts.

by endlessly telling the OP that a cruel or neglectful or violent partner is worse - it means that any venting about single life or life not panning out as expected has to be done with a whole load of disclaimers.

I didn't do this. Not once. I only mentioned my abusive marriage in the context of being single, and relating to OP, although my specific situation was a bit different.

I don't disagree with the OP venting nor have I suggested any disclaimers.

I only replied to you in terms of your idiotic point about an abusive marriage not being comparable.

it’s about being long term single and trying to find a way through that

Again, if you read my reply to OP, you'd see that I am also long term single, and so OP's situation resonated with me.

I never made any part of my replies about abuse.

Bloody hell will posters stop insisting the op dates old farts who look like her dad.
Just stop.
If you are lumbered with the reality of being left with a dementia ridden pensioner, who can barley remember your name never mind plan and book interesting weekends away for you, then that’s your problem for settling.
The op doesn’t want that.
Also there are happy marriages.
There are men (and women) who do wonderful, thoughtful things for their partner.
I have 2 friends who met their oh later in life after going through acrimonious divorces. Their new husbands are younger than them and both couples are blissfully happy. And no, I don’t think it’s an act.
Get out there op. Get on line. Set an age limit close to your age. Write a profile which says what you enjoy. You will have to sift through the dross. Go on dates and see what happens. Join club which interest you, make friends.
Good luck.