How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

You need to stop focusing on having a man and focus on yourself

You will be a lot happier.

I think you are idealising marriage and relationships. They take compromise. You sound uncompromising. This is not necessarily a bad thing and the life you have is not necessarily bad life.

For every friend I'm a fabulous marriage with a high earning husband who manages to organise thoughtful cultural trips (a rare breed I assure you), there are thousands of women stuck in boring unfulfilled marriages with men to whom they are not attracted, don't do anything nice for them and who they have to look after. You dodged this risk.

In time you may meet someone. If not you make your single life as fulfilling as possible. You are in charge. You set the agenda.

Think about the positives of your position.

I agree, focus on a fullfilling life, stop hunting for men. Getting Botox etc isn’t going to change anything, if you couldn’t form a meaningful relationship with a 25 year old face, stuffing a 45 year old face with Botox isn’t going to change that.

as said, understanding your relationship history over the last two to three decades is key here. What relationships have you had, why have they not progressed.

im the meantime focus on a happy life, single. Understand yourself, your take time to understand you, your behaviour in relationships, your expectations, how you treat others, your own needs annd desires etc.

but stop hunting men, stop going to things just to meet men, start going to things because you want to enjoy the activity

It isn't too picky, its perfectly reasonable not to want to date men in the same age range as my father thank you. While men in my age range want women 10 + years younger most of the time they do not get them or if the odd one does it isn't for long usually. I know lots of older men want it to be true that women much younger will have to settle for them but its more a case of their delusion than what the vast majority of women actually want, in fact most women choose to be single rather than settle for the wrong man which is exactly what is happening. While I do want a relationship, I don't just want any man with a pulse who will have me so you can with your advice that I settle for a man practically old enough to be my Father.

To be honest op, I’m in your age range and the divorced men I know have all went completely age appropriate. None are looking for the stereotypical younger woman as such, they all have had kids though.

youre meeting the wrong kind of men if they all simply want a woman younger, I don’t quite believe it to be honest. Most men are just looking for a woman, one they can get on with, enjoy spending time with, has sex with them etc and gives them company.

I'm actually wondering if the posters suggesting I do go for men 60+ are actually men as most women would totally understand my not wanting to date someone so much older for very obvious reasons. I know there are a few men who linger about on here and occasionally pitch up on threads with their manosphere rhetoric, safe to say I will not be listening to those telling me to stop being picky and date a much older man.

I think when everyone is still relatively young then an age gap can be possible. Obviously there can be issues if one party is rather too young due to the power imbalance but it is also an issue when one get much older and becomes elderly while the other person is still young. I know a few relationships like this personally and it is extremely difficult for them as one partner has hit old age years, sometimes a decade or more before the other. This is the the reason I also don't consider much younger men.

I feel like it would only be men telling me to suck it up and date a man old enough to be my father, obviously I don't know who is actually posting but I do hear this from men all to often, funny how that fits in with how they think things should be even though most women shudder at the thought.

@jojobony I think you're spot on about it probably being men posting to tell you to settle for an old man. And the one who accused you of "dripping with bitterness" genuinely sounds like a bitter old man.

It suits men when women don't know their worth, it suits men because they'll have a better chance of convincing women to settle for them when they don't deserve it.

You are getting a bit of a hard time on here op. You don't deserve it. I'm sorry relationships haven’t worked out for you yet. I hope your luck changes soon

Being married for more than 30 years and had children I can assure you that half the time you'd want to strangle them!!

There is also no such thing as a happy marriage, it's hard work and very frustrating.(men have a very selfish streak, you'll always have to put them first and then the children then you last always ) I do love them dearly really.
What you need to do is stop wasting time on these dating g apps, they sound horrid and depressing and don't change the way you look, that's all in the mind.
You need to love yourself a bit first x
Stop thinking about men altogether at the moment and go out and do somethings that you like and enjoy.
Next time you meet any man talk to him as you would any friend and not a potential partner and relationships will come much easier .we all have that habit of thinking everybody else is happier than we are and it's not true.

Advice like the above is very kindly meant but clearly shows a lack of understanding.

It can be really difficult to go out and do things you enjoy when you’re constantly alone. Many things assume two people or groups. Then even if they are activities you can do alone there’s a financial consideration which prevents single people just doing what they want on a whim.

I don’t think marriage is or should be hard work, which isn’t to say my husband isn’t annoying on occasion (he is) but I do find single people can never complain as they get lots of ‘oh well marriage isn’t all that.’ It reminds me of ‘children aren’t that great’ posts when someone is going through problems conceiving. It is really unhelpful and to be honest a bit self centred - as if people can’t bear something not to be about them.

44, long term single here, and I mostly enjoy it, I feel free rather than trapped. But I am separated and have 2 teenagers, so I acknowledge I m in a different position to you OP.

I think the gloatey smug married and their overnight theatre trip sounds like fun for them, but you know what, you could also do this with a family member or a group. Join something, find ways to entertain yourself. I go on holidays alone and find ways to get talking to people. I m going on a supporters sporting tour to South Africa next year.

I Recently had sex with a 59 year old and also a 62ish year old, they were both great in bed and just as entertaining as younger men and kinder....... So don't rule them out completely.

Most married couples are bored to tears of each other and put on a performance to entertain themselves when they have an audience, the minute you walked out the door, they most likely regressed back to silence.

By the way, you sound perfectly attractive.

SImilar boat here OP (and I am in the North too)!
It's not good. I guess we have to focus on our own happiness. What you see when you visit others is a highlight reel though. Not a true picture.

I've been drinking Murphy's Stout since I was 20, and believe me, I'm not bitter.

The idea of happy family life with the husband spoiling and supporting the wife is great when it works, but many marriages are not like that. There's many women, as we see daily on here, that are working and doing everything at home whilst their husbands do very little. Other men are abusive, drinkers, spendthrift etc.
We would nearly all want a happy marriage where we are supported but it's not just single women who don't have that.

I would be hesitant about envying a woman looked after by her husband, OP. In my experience there are often hefty conditions attached to being a kept woman, one of which is usually to let a lot of things go. He who pays the piper calls the tune, as the saying goes.

Being single is far better than being in a relationship with the wrong person in my experience. I also see how difficult it is for friends of mine who have had children with men who have turned out to be appalling specimens of humanity. Co parenting is very difficult for them, as the fathers often use the children as a stick to beat them with. And of course, being a single mother is extremely challenging at the best of times.

It sounds to me like you are disappointed that your life hasn't followed a particular trajectory, which you are well within your rights to be. I would just gently point out that almost no one lives the life they thought they would. There are bumps and disappointments along the way, be they relationship break downs, career disappointments, ill health or some other curve ball that comes out of left field and leaves you reeling. I would take comfort from the fact it sounds like you have a quiet, stable home and that you can do as you please, when you please. There's a lot to be said for that sort of peace and freedom.

This thread does remind me of something my Mother told me when I was young. She said;

'Crapgoat, if you marry for money you'll earn EVERY penny of it'.
Might not be so relevant, but some replies here made me think of that. Being 'looked after' is not all it is cracked up to be.

While I appreciate you trying to make me feel better and I get that possibily many marriages to wealthy men are like that their marriage really isn't they are both from fairly humble backgrounds and have been together since their teens when neither had much money. He is just very successful in what he does and yes she is an amazing cook and makes and lovely home and to be fair to her she does work as an artist but she isn't under any pressure to make money from it.

I am aware the have an especially good marriage and I know not all marriages are like theirs.

I wouldn't say you're bitter at all. I think you might need to be a bit more open and flexible to new ways of thinking. Having the fixed idea that ten years older is not serving you well so far. You could try dates with a more open attitude. You are complaining about men who have a fixed attitude of only dating younger women. But yet you have a fixed attitude of ruling out slightly older men. It is reasonable to say you don't want to marry someone the same age as your dad. There might be a sweet spot in between 45 and 60. If you won't adjust at all you're narrowing the number of possible men too far so that there aren't enough to choose from. I've always thought I'm not perfect myself, I can't expect my partner to be perfect - no one is. But

If you go on a date with a guy who is say 55 but otherwise seems attractive, you don't have to marry him and become his nurse. You could just go on a date and see if you like him. Adjust the age bracket by five years and see what happens. Try it with lots of men, one might work out.

How about an over 40s singles holiday cooking in Italy or something like that? The men there would be open to women over 40 and there would be even nos of men and women.

Some people have given you advice about being happy in yourself also. Most suggestions people make you are disagreeing with. If you want things to change then you need to change what you're doing to find a relationship. Doing the same thing hasn't worked.

Perhaps you've always been a bit fixed in your thinking and this has stopped relationships progressing?

@frogswimming Stop telling me to date men 10 plus years older than me sorry, what is the point, its very rare I find a man of that age attractive and even if I did he will be an OAP while I am still working and relatively young, no thank you!

I am pretty convinced it is men telling me to date older and I am sure it would suit them to have women just fall in line with their desires so that they have an ongoing flow of younger women all though their lives but it ain't happening, women are not generally attracted to older men but men keep telling us we should be, sorry I would rather be alone, the older man should date a woman his own age.

I can assure you I'm a woman! I'm 47 and notice lots of sexy men in their 50s! Here are some sexy men I'd date: Tom cruise, Jon Bon jovi, all of take that, all of Duran Duran, George clooney, Bradley cooper, Matthew mcconaghey. And up to 60! If I was single I would definitely consider men that old.

What is your uppermost age limit? 5 years older, 7 years older? Neither of those are unreasonable. Think about how much you want a relationship. You're narrowing the odds and putting arbitrary barriers up. But complaining when men do the same.

What will happen if you went on a date with a 52 year old? It's just a date to try something new. If you don't like imaginary 53 year old, you don't have to ever see him again. But there's a small chance you might. There's no chance you'll meet someone if you won't try and go on dates with the people who are interested.

You ignored my over 40s singles holiday idea too. I didn't say an over 60s holiday!!!

I can't believe some people are suggesting you date men in their 60's. I'm 54 and I don't want someone 60+! Unfortunately though, you're absolutely right in that any decent man in his 40's/50's does go for younger. I've been shocked that some men I know, my age or older, that I wouldn't date have still managed to bag younger women! Attractive, nice women too! When these men are nothing special and, in a couple of cases, frankly a bit of a dick! I don't know how they did it.

For whatever reason, there seems to be a surplus of smart, attractive and nice women, over the age of 35, looking for a partner. I meet or know of very few men that can match that, that are looking for a partner of the same age.

I did give up in the end as I know my limits and I started caring less and less about finding someone. But realistically I knew that as nice as I am, any guy I might be interested in could get someone younger and/or prettier than me who would also be a lovely person. So why would they want me? Not being self pitying, just realistic.

Have you thought about trying some sort of matchmaker service? I believe there's a few out there. Might be more successful than trying to wade through OLD.

www.101holidays.co.uk/singles/best-singles-holidays-for-over-40s/#

"Tom cruise, Jon Bon jovi, all of take that, all of Duran Duran, George clooney, Bradley cooper, Matthew mcconaghey. And up to 60! If I was single I would definitely consider men that old"

@frogswimming I bet they would just be lining up to date some random forty something woman. Those are celebrities you are talking about and to be honest I don't find many of them attractive, Bradley Cooper is 48.

Also I said I would consider up to 10 years older for the right man, although I think that is pushing it a bit. I did go on a couple dates with a man 6 years older than me so was 50 at the time although he looked older than his age but was fit and wealthy (he had been a pro-footballer). Honestly even though he was fit and well dressed (his adult daughters work I think) I did feel like he was a bit too old for me in terms of attitude and outlook and looked like he could be my father but I did give him a chance in the end he felt I was a bit too old for him and wanted someone younger, I am sure his wealth might reel in some young women who will be stuck with an old before his time man.