How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

My advice would be to look to yourself for happiness, money, career progression, self-expression and fulfilment and not become self-pitying or blame others.

We all have something to be bitter about and I see even rich, successful people being quite bitter.

It's simple OP. Love. Love yourself, go volunteer at an animal sanctuary and love them too, love the land you live in (take long walks, put your hands in the soil and grow plants) , love your religion, love clothes and fashion, love crafts. You may not be able to create a child but you can create so many other beautiful amazing things if you give yourself a chance. Redirect that love you aren't able to give to kids to other things. Buy a house overseas and do it up. Go have sex with a hot man. Get a pet etc.

Seeing those who have so much less than you and manage to be happy is an eye opener too. We have to e grateful for our blessings in life and I say this as someone who has hit the lowest lows. It was because I have seen how terrible life can be that I can feel so much love and gratitude for everything I do have. You are here for a reason, do you want to waste it being sad or make each day joyful and full of love. Instead if being jealous of your friends tell them how much you admire their great relationship and wonderful family and cosy house. Turn the bitterness inside out.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me to go for an older man unless perhaps they are bringing a lot of wealth/power to the table. Women have a higher life expectancy so it makes more sense to choose someone younger unless you want to be on your own at the end of your life.

If you are 45 I'd be open to men from age 25 to 40. Do you have close friends? I think friendships can be the greatest and most enduring of loves.

It's probably men that age suggesting it. Their estimation of their attractiveness to younger women far outweighs the reality.

@jojobony It isn't too picky, its perfectly reasonable not to want to date men in the same age range as my father thank you. While men in my age range want women 10 + years younger most of the time they do not get them or if the odd one does it isn't for long usually. I know lots of older men want it to be true that women much younger will have to settle for them but its more a case of their delusion than what the vast majority of women actually want, in fact most women choose to be single rather than settle for the wrong man which is exactly what is happening. While I do want a relationship, I don't just want any man with a pulse who will have me so you can with your advice that I settle for a man practically old enough to be my Father

Right, I now sense the issues. Not sure where your maths is at but unless you think 15yo’s having kids is normal a partner roughly 15 years older is not old enough to be your father. I am not a man, I am a woman. True. I’d bet the other posters are women as well, who are just giving you their life experience and advice accordingly, although why I have no idea as you are not really receptive, which is absolutely fine but then, why post?

Your belief that older men WANT younger women BUT don’t get them is a load of bull. Of my group of friends and acquaintances I can only think of two couples matched in age, the rest the man is around 15 years older than the woman. The usual MO is that they go out with women around the same age until they reach around mid 30’s then suddenly get cold feet/commitment phobia where it goes downhill as they refuse to get married. The woman gives an ultimatum and he refuses and they break up. Then around 40yo the men suddenly lose all their commitment phobia with women in their mid 20’s and happily get married and have kids. Most older divorced women I know also then tend to partner with men older than themselves. Thats the experience of my social circles, I don’t find it odd.

Oh, and should add I’m way older than mid-40’s and do know people my age, people your age and younger people. It’s not a case of never being your age or knowing anyone your age.

There are 8.3M adults who live alone in the UK and 53% of them are women. So I don't think the numbers are that different given that women live longer.

There are 3.9M single men to choose from.

It's also the case from research that the happiest demographic is the single woman so be careful what you wish for OP.

Most of age the gap relationships I know of are older woman younger man, most women do not want older men at any age, 15 years older puts a man in my fathers age bracket and yes he and my mother were young when they had me.

It is also true that the vast majority of both men and women end up in relationships with people roughly their own age regardless of what they think they are entitled to.

In the scenario you mention I have seen this happen with friends but while these men might have dalliances with younger women they usually end up alone still deluded that they are still appealing to much younger women who shudder at their advances, they turn into the 60 year old men trying it on with women in their mid 40's who also find them repulsive. There are exceptions for outlier men who are very successful or very good looking but they are few and far between.

I assumed you were older.

I have younger men interested in me but always avoided going there but its perhaps better than the 60 + year olds that are being pushed at me here.

@shearwater2 I agree I think it is men posting this, I don't think many women at all would think a much older man was a good idea, its a very male perspective.

Have you tried reconnecting with people you were at school with? At my old school, so many people are on FB and quite a few have got together with each other. Obviously it's easier if you still live in the locality though, but it's a large network of people who you know of, so can filter, and are obviously the same age. Does your old year group have a FB page? Could you set one up? People are often nostalgic and happy to talk about school days. And of course, many will have siblings, friends, uni friends etc. that is actually how my Mum met her current husband. It's also quite common to ask/message each other and ask how you are, where you live, what you are up to etc. It would be very easy to reveal your single status in passing conversation should you wish to.