How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

I’m a lot younger than you and have been with men 60+. Nothing wrong with it. You really think of someone being “older” at 5 years your senior? You’ll be 60 soon enough and might regret limiting your options based on some arbitrary number. I mean nothing changes - you don’t suddenly become a different person because you hit 60? You don’t get to checklist love but it sounds like you’re putting lots of rules around things. Maybe just join some groups and try lots of new things and that’ll meet you some nice new people. Have fun with it.

Single at 43. Felt left behind, unwanted, unloveable and also quite bitter.

I signed up for online dating. This was hard. I’m an introvert and very cynical. It was hard to expose myself and I had to be brave.

I had some filler, a bit of Botox (nothing major) and got a decent haircut. I felt better about how I looked.

I had some ridiculous dates, an awful date and got ghosted. It stung. I nearly gave up.

then…

I spotted someone who was gorgeous. My age, my tastes. I didn’t think I stood a chance but he liked me too. We had some dates and it was fun, easy and wonderful.

We’ve now been together 7 years. We have a little house and a dog. We have ups and downs and nothing is perfect.

But…
If I can do this, so can you. Life is short, too short to be bitter. Try the dating again but start with a clean slate. Don’t settle and don’t think you will only eligible for men 60 plus. That’s rubbish. Keep an open mind and be brave. You WILL meet someone.

good luck OP X

I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men.

I'm going to offer a different perspective to others, and it's one I'm addressing at the moment with my counsellor.

I'm in a different situation - single parent to 3 DC, abusive marriage, finally got divorced after long-drawn out court proceedings.

I've had no relationship of any kind since my marriage ended 10 years ago. I have focused on my DC & work, partly through necessity (I have no support, kids don't see their father), and partly as I couldn't countenance it after the abuse.

Post-divorce I'm now trying to imagine a life for me; not kids, or work. It's not purely about a relationship. But I'd like to think that's not ruled out.

With my therapist, we've talked about how it's about happiness in myself that matters. Yes, I know how that sounds! Bit out about really nourishing the parts of you that are important, doing the things that make you happy, often small or only relevant to you. It's been hard for my to figure this out, and I'm only starting, but there's something about doing this that can shift the focus away from 'finding a partner' and to really feeling happy.

I'd really recommend some counselling.

In terms of finding someone - of course it's possible! There are stories all the time, of people much older. But it doesn't mean it's easy or without pitfalls.

It sounds a bit hokey, but it's about starting with yourself.

That's great! 🥰

@Devonshiregal good for you if you like that kind of thing but its a no for me and I think most women my age and younger not to mention a good few years older would feel the same. Very few younger women want relationships with or are attracted to men 60 and over however much those men would like it to be otherwise.

@MsPoppoff That is lovely, it is nice to hear a success story, I am the wrong side of 45 but perhaps it is possible with a lot of luck.

@EarringsandLipstick I hear you but I've been single most of my life, I've done years of therapy and the self discovery and travel and living my best life for me stuff and while it can be good it gets old after a while. I don't want to nourishing myself all alone anymore I have had enough and I'm sick of it.

You have been married and had children and though it sounds the marriage wasn't a good experience for you and I glad you are free of it. I don't have kids, I have never been married or even lived with a man. I want that, even if it turns out to be not so great I still want to know what it is like.

Hey don't be so down on yourself, you are only in your mid 40's, that's not old! I got married in my 20's, felt really frumpy after being married for 15 years or more, husband left me, and a year later I had started a relationship with a man 6 years younger who was a million times better than my husband, I lost weight, felt years younger and 10 years down the line I'll be marrying him in a few months, please don't write yourself off in your 40's x

or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger

and there is your answer. You are looking at the wrong demographic yourself. You really need to be looking around 60yo. If you believe that’s too old then you are being too picky, and that’s fine but realistically you will stay single. Which is fine if you want to be single but the purpose of your post is that’s not the case.

Are you completely against dating an older man? Fwiw I'm 37 and dh is 54. 17yr gap. Age is just a number when you meet the right person.

Single, 40s here, never married.

I know what you mean op, I think as I get older I do feel sad I didn't meet anyone, but for me I loathed OLD and decided that life is too short to spend it searching, wishing and hoping. And yes, 60+ is old, there's no way I would go out with someone that age. A friend has divorced her husband - nearly 20 year age gap which was never an issue before but he's over 60 now and she couldn't stand it.

So I do feel wistful knowing I'll never be married or have someone look after me, but I don't dwell on it. I think @EarringsandLipstick Is right - focus on you, and sorting out what is making you feel old. Spend money on the gym or clothes or botox or whatever you want. If no one is going to take care of you, then you have to be the one to do it for yourself.

I’m 43, there is no way I would be looking to date a man in his 60s!

I actually think (following from @LeRougeEtLeNoir s post) that there is often a very naive and rosy view of what being single entails on here. I think many who post about how amazing it is are thinking back to when they were single which was probably when they were young and many of their friends were too - as OP has said, being single in your 40s is another matter altogether. It’s also expensive which does get overlooked a lot.

I don’t necessarily have all the answers @jojobony or even any of them but I do understand. I was single throughout my 30s and honestly it was pretty miserable and I felt on the periphery of life a lot of the time. And you are right that there is a huge difference between a relationship that hasn’t been successful but did result in children and the perma-single status. Neither are easy but they are worlds apart.

I really feel for you OP
I'm pretty much permanently single, and perimenopausal now.
It's slightly different in my case as I suffered trauma and subsequent mental health struggles. So I find relationships with men very difficult. I'm not looking for anyone now, and am trying to make the most of my situation. I actually had some wonderful role models, as lovely, amazing clever slightly eccentric (in a good way!) maiden aunts. Including a great aunt who lived to be 99.
I'm not bitter about my situation. But sad, yes. I really wanted to be a wife and mother. Especially a mother. I've always been very maternal.
It's also very difficult financially. I'm not a home owner, and housing is getting so expensive, and harder alone. I really struggle to prevent homelessness.
If it helps to think this at all, I'm very spiritual, and truly believe our lives here are fleeting and just a small part of our eternal journeys. We'll have other adventures with a different story. According to quantum stuff (I don't understand it!) none of this is even real exactly. I'm getting more other worldly in my thinking as time goes on. Helps me anyway!
But back to the here and now - I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for, and if not, peace and joy by other means. You take care x

OP, reading with interest and to learn.
Posted last night about how I'm already bitter and not even your age yet:
Have I become the angry woman? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4956659-have-i-become-the-angry-woman

Sending you lots of hugs. I definitely know what you're going through.

Hi OP I was single - apart from some disastrous experiences - between my mid 20s and early 30s and remember how difficult it was so I feel for you. Marriage can be tough too but battling through life on your own can feel much tougher.

I agree that you may need to consider going older with the category you are looking to date. Also agree with the cheesy advice people give about saying yes to new things to meet new people. Also maybe take a second job somewhere that is sociable - bar etc. Over time I've come to realise that happiness is an inside job - you can be happy single or attached, depending on your internal life and mindset. Do things that make you happy. Become happy in your own right and someone will be attracted to that. And agree with the pp above who said that life is so fleeting - which is sort of why we should be as happy as possible in this life if we can!

Let me tell you this, l am mid 50s and still get plenty of offers from guys . Because l am warm, light hearted and full of life.I do still look good, but you can't just rely on that, it's the way you feel and interact with people. I have had to overcome many obstacles in life including losing my husband at a young age. I could have chosen to be bitter. You have to lose the blueprint in your head of how you thin life should be and flow with what is. That makes you a person people want to be around. Work with what you already have.
You also need to remember a lot of women have to get the police and Women's Aid involved to try and escape their marriage. It's not the dream come true for many.

Unfortunately OP there are very very few decent available men in our age range.

I'm 45 too (divorced and have kids) and no way would I date a man in his 60's!!!! You'd be 55 and he'd be in his seventies which is often when health issues start.

As pp's say it really is a numbers game. You have to wade through a lot of shit and even then your chances are slim. I'd stick to your standards, know your self worth and plough on.

It sounds a little too late to ask for advice about not getting bitter, your posts are dripping in bitterness.
You know men your age are looking to date younger women to start families with but are adamant you won't date an 'older' man that could be perfect for you in case you end up as his 'nurse maid'.
As you say you have never lived with a man etc surely someone slightly older that you can share your life with now is worth more that the mythical man your own age?

My Dad's partner married 3 times and she said 10 year age gap was the max as it shows when you get older. I stand by that.

OP, when you put your profile online, here is the trick. Set your age limit no higher than 3-4 years above your age. This plays the algorithm. Many men will lie about their age and therefore you filter those out. This changed the game for me. You get more appropriate matches.

Second, consider just dating for casual fun to get your confidence back. There will be many men who are interested in that.

Third you have to move on from that bad experience, hence why I say date for fun for a bit.

Yes it is looks based and that is up to you but if you want a guy who takes care of his health then that comes with a degree of taking care of yourself too. This doesn't involve anything drastic but I took up strength training in my early 40s. I've been casually dating some ridiculously hot men for no particular reason who have no intention of settling. I doubt they would have been that interested before I started lifting iron. A lot is about the photos you pick too. I have a mix but my main photo is a sort of hot moody one. Men prefer that to something where I look too sweet, although I have a cute one up there too. I have a full body one, a fitness one, hot moody one and a cute one.

Getting into a relationship involves another level of building trust and intimacy and a guy would want you to love yourself first so you have to do that work. Do not just do online, join groups and societies too.

I wouldn't bother with fillers as these hot men don't like them, they think they look and feel fake, but...a little bit of botox does go a long way and I don't think guys realise how many women have had it. I have not but not ruled it out.

You might also consider speaking to the GP about anti depressants or HRT as you sound very low.

As PPs say comparison is the thief of joy. I am 43 single for 12 years and the only time to be happy is now.

And as PP says, you have to be totally honest about who you are...but also have the highest standards of how you want to be treated.

Are you too fussy? Do you have Prince Charming image in your head? Do you use this to compare RL potential partners? Ditch him, he doesn't exist!

As for older men, DH is 13 years older than me. 20 years later, we are still going strong! I understand that a man at nearly 60 might have different energy levels & outlooks to yourself, but that's not always true.

The older man won’t be perfect for her because he’ll be older.

There is nothing more personal than an intimate relationship with someone. It’s possible to compromise on some things but I can completely understand the OPs viewpoint here. I’m a similar age and as I say, I would not be considering a man in his 60s.

@jojobony

I know you want marriage / relationship but that kind of focus is probably not going to work well for you, not least as you say because you are becoming bitter & consumed by it.

Yes, I had marriage, and have kids - as such I wouldn't change anything as I love my DC of course, but I've also had two decades of abuse & financial stress, very little time for me, or friendships. I can obsess over what I wish I had (that lovely marriage scenario you describe) or I can do my very best to live the new chapter of my life, and hope for future happiness.

I love this post! Fair play to you. 👊

Op your post is curious, you say you feel chewed up and spat out by men and dating, but also say you’ve been single most of your life. You tell us you dated someone in your early 40s for awhile, but it seems it never really moved to relationship status.

Can I ask , have you had any relationships of note? What is your longest relationship and how long did it last?

what I’m trying to get to, is can you form meaningful relationships, and if not what is the cause. How much have you dated and why have they not progressed, over the last two decades?

im also a little concerned about how you describe your activities, for example you basically join clubs “hunting” for men, then see the other woman as the same, so discount them, as opposed to be there to enjoy it for what it is.

understading your relationship history, I think is key,

note I also disagree with the poster saying you’re picky as you don’t want blokes in their 60s, that’s ludicrous.