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Original poster

How do I not become bitter?

162 replies

jojobony · 04/12/2023 17:02

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

OP posts:
cardibach · 05/12/2023 20:55

jojobony · 04/12/2023 23:42

@MsPoppoff That is lovely, it is nice to hear a success story, I am the wrong side of 45 but perhaps it is possible with a lot of luck.

Wrong side?
Maybe your negativity about aging is your problem, not the lack of a date.

cardibach · 05/12/2023 20:57

jojobony · 04/12/2023 23:53

@EarringsandLipstick I hear you but I've been single most of my life, I've done years of therapy and the self discovery and travel and living my best life for me stuff and while it can be good it gets old after a while. I don't want to nourishing myself all alone anymore I have had enough and I'm sick of it.

You have been married and had children and though it sounds the marriage wasn't a good experience for you and I glad you are free of it. I don't have kids, I have never been married or even lived with a man. I want that, even if it turns out to be not so great I still want to know what it is like.

Show quote history

This is really offensive OP.
You take a post about someone who has escaped an abusive marriage and say ‘at least you had a marriage’.
I hope you can see how fucking awful that is.

cardibach · 05/12/2023 20:59

Summermeadowflowers · 05/12/2023 04:42

I’m 43, there is no way I would be looking to date a man in his 60s!

I actually think (following from @LeRougeEtLeNoir s post) that there is often a very naive and rosy view of what being single entails on here. I think many who post about how amazing it is are thinking back to when they were single which was probably when they were young and many of their friends were too - as OP has said, being single in your 40s is another matter altogether. It’s also expensive which does get overlooked a lot.

I don’t necessarily have all the answers @jojobony or even any of them but I do understand. I was single throughout my 30s and honestly it was pretty miserable and I felt on the periphery of life a lot of the time. And you are right that there is a huge difference between a relationship that hasn’t been successful but did result in children and the perma-single status. Neither are easy but they are worlds apart.

I’ve been single from my 30s up to late 50s.
It’s great.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health
Sheerdetermination · 05/12/2023 21:01

jojobony · 04/12/2023 23:41

@Devonshiregal good for you if you like that kind of thing but its a no for me and I think most women my age and younger not to mention a good few years older would feel the same. Very few younger women want relationships with or are attracted to men 60 and over however much those men would like it to be otherwise.

I do think you're being a bit narrow in your focus. I’m 45 and my partner is almost 58. Two years older would make no difference. He doesn’t feel older. The only thing I notice is his appalling taste in music.
I too have been let down by plenty of men. Big time. But I think the way forward is to not think about what or who you would or wouldn’t date and just see who life puts in your way. Age is just a number.
Also, read books - I have found it a wonderful tonic to escape into another world when I’ve felt badly let down.

Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:19

cardibach · 05/12/2023 20:57

This is really offensive OP.
You take a post about someone who has escaped an abusive marriage and say ‘at least you had a marriage’.
I hope you can see how fucking awful that is.

Show quote history

Nope, what I wrote was fine, you are projecting your own stuff on to what I wrote.

OP posts:
Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:21

@Sheerdetermination Sorry I am just not interested in men who will be OAP's when I am still in my mid 50's and most women would likely feel that same.

OP posts:
weirdsibling · 05/12/2023 21:22

Sometimes I think all these posts about no men being available, and women having to date men twenty years older are made by married women who have no experience of the dating scene and get a certain smug satisfaction out of this

cardibach · 05/12/2023 21:24

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 20:51

@cardibach we all have different needs and wants.

you wouldn’t dream of going on a TTC thread and asking why someone wanted a baby.

agree with your second post. I had someone here tell me to limit going outside as it’s bad for skin. Also, horror that I don’t have a hairdresser.

Edited

I was responding to someone who was suggesting being single was never nice for more than a couple of years. That’s not true. It doesn’t help the op to believe it is.

cardibach · 05/12/2023 21:25

jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:19

Nope, what I wrote was fine, you are projecting your own stuff on to what I wrote.

Show quote history

No it wasn’t.
if anyone is projecting their own stuff it’s you.

Summermeadowflowers · 05/12/2023 21:32

It’s her thread!

Holidayhell22 · 05/12/2023 21:33

There ya no way on earth I would date someone 15 years older than me.
Why on earth would a 45 year old woman want to be with an old man?
The op will most likely still be working full time at 67. Why would she want to come home to an old man in his 80s?
Most 45 year old men are not with women in their 20s and 30s. Most men that age do not want to be having children. They might tolerate children but they certainly don’t crave having them at that age.
You need to keep your standards high op and get online. It takes a lot of effort but it can work out. The advise to limit the age of men you are interested in is good advice. Have fun and go on dates.
I’d also focus on enjoying yourself as much as you can. Do things you find enjoyable. So what if you meet other women, surely that’s a bonus.
There is hope. Many people meet later in life and form happy relationships.
As for Botox and fillers, I can’t comment. I have zero experience of either.

MissSmiley · 05/12/2023 21:40

ryanne · 04/12/2023 17:23

Where abouts in the country are you located? I have a friend who is similarly single through no fault of his own ( not weird, no red flags etc) No problem making introductions if you are in the midlands!

I'm in the midlands and single 7 years

Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:43

Summermeadowflowers · 05/12/2023 21:32

It’s her thread!

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:46

weirdsibling · 05/12/2023 21:22

Sometimes I think all these posts about no men being available, and women having to date men twenty years older are made by married women who have no experience of the dating scene and get a certain smug satisfaction out of this

If you think that you should try being single most of your life and then see how it feels.

OP posts:
weirdsibling · 05/12/2023 21:47

I have been single practically all of my life

Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:47

@weirdsibling Well then you should know how it feels.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 05/12/2023 21:48

@cardibach I know the point you are making - and thank you 💐; that said, that comment in itself didn't bother me - it's clear OP doesn't understand that having an abusive marriage is a very different beast to anything resembling a positive marriage experience.

However @jojobony seems incapable of taking the wider point that unfortunately we can't always have what we would truly have loved (which I said in my follow up post) and that the only way to find what she does want, where possible, is to start with her own inner happiness (a work in progress for me too!)

EarringsandLipstick · 05/12/2023 21:54

@jojobony

But it's not true, is it?

There are of course plenty of men 'out there'.

That's not your issue. Your issue is that you haven't met someone for you. Another person might relate that they've had many relationships, and never have a problem meeting men.

I haven't had a relationship since my marriage ended. People are always telling me I could meet someone, and being complimentary about me. The reality is that for where I've been over the past decade, there wasn't anyone for me, at that point, and I wasn't open to looking . I hope it won't always be the case, as my children get older, and I recover from what I've gone through.

ChanelNo19EDT · 05/12/2023 21:55

Can't believe what I'm reading, woman in her 40s having to defend her disinclination to date men in their 60s. Fgs.

I'm single and used to it. Not looking. It was the looking that made me feel bad so I gave up. Now I feel a lot happier. But I'm just so used to being single. Another person right beside me at home would annoy me, although I'd like somebody to go places with sometimes.

Ykn · 05/12/2023 21:57

Dillydollydingdong · 04/12/2023 21:06

I'm sure you could look younger and prettier if you wanted. First thing is to watch your weight. A little over is ok so long as you don't get too big.
Then - don't let your hair go grey. Keep it the same colour as it always was.
Not too heavy on the make up.
Get plenty of sleep.
Eat healthy, not too much Chinese!
I'm 72 and in the summer I still wear shorts. My hair is long and brown. Mutton dressed as lamb? Yeah but who cares? I still get attention from men ...life is fun!

The weight police are here Hmm "a little over is ok as you don't get too big"?

What would happen if one is more than "a little over" and "gets too big"?

What's wrong with being big anyway?

Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 21:57

EarringsandLipstick · 05/12/2023 21:48

@cardibach I know the point you are making - and thank you 💐; that said, that comment in itself didn't bother me - it's clear OP doesn't understand that having an abusive marriage is a very different beast to anything resembling a positive marriage experience.

However @jojobony seems incapable of taking the wider point that unfortunately we can't always have what we would truly have loved (which I said in my follow up post) and that the only way to find what she does want, where possible, is to start with her own inner happiness (a work in progress for me too!)

No that isn't true at all, what I was saying was that you had a bad experience of marriage and I expressed my regret for that but that your experience doesn't mean that everyone's experience would be bad and if doesn't stop me wanting to try being married myself, obviously I don't want to be harmed but I also understand it may not be perfect. However I cannot control how someone on an online forum takes my posts, that's a risk inherent in such a format and one that as adults we all must accept.

I also stated that I've done all the self reflection and therapy there is an limit to what that can actually do for you, its a long life to never have a partner or children, to always be alone.

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 05/12/2023 21:57

ChanelNo19EDT · 05/12/2023 21:55

Can't believe what I'm reading, woman in her 40s having to defend her disinclination to date men in their 60s. Fgs.

I'm single and used to it. Not looking. It was the looking that made me feel bad so I gave up. Now I feel a lot happier. But I'm just so used to being single. Another person right beside me at home would annoy me, although I'd like somebody to go places with sometimes.

yep I'm the same. the looking was awful. OLD is just crap. and now, no way could I handle sharing my space with someone else lol.

EducatingArti · 05/12/2023 21:58

I think I understand a bit where you are coming from op. I am in my ( very) late 50s and have been single all my adult life ( apart from a little bit of dating at university).

I also totally get what you mean about not wanting a relationship with someone too much older. I've bean in the realms of dealing with elderly and infirm parents for about 15 years and don't want to go straight from that to an elderly/infirm partner. Is that selfish? Maybe so but it's a very different kettle of fish to have an age gap of 15 years at 30 and 45 than at 60 and 75.

I am not unhappy but I understand what you mean about things that you would have liked to experienced but haven't. The lack of marriage/partnership also creeps up on you. You kind of assume for a long while that it is just around the corner and then suddenly start thinking "what if it isn't".
I've got a few things to say that may or may not be useful. Just junk them if they aren't!

Firstly no-one gets to experience everything in life anyway but the proportion of good and bad experiences are not distributed "fairly". You cite a friend who has a really lovely married life. That is great but is she the rule or the exception among people you know? Do you know people who have had a run of really bad experiences too? We just don't all get to have what we consider the best of all experiences and certainly not all the time. It isn't fair but it it is true and it also isn't your fault. It just is.

Secondly it is ok to really grieve the lack of something in your life, like lack of a child, lack of a partner. I think true grief is an antidote to bitterness as it allows you to process the difficult feelings and gain some acceptance of what is right now.

It may well be that you will find someone lovely around the corner but you may need to let go of the hope ( while still looking). I know that seems paradoxical but hanging onto the hope of "it will all be better/resolved, next month/year" etc can stop you from truly acknowledging the feelings of grief you already have about you have not experienced and are currently not having in you life that you so dearly want. And of course one of the grief emotions is anger. You might want to address some of this in therapy.

As you grieve ( and no one wants to do this work but everyone pretty much has to do it at some point in their life) we get to a point of more acceptance of what is true right now. I sometimes worry that I am going to epitomise the dry shriveled spinster trope but ( apart from the fact that this is probably a misogynistic construct) My desire for myself (amid the restrictions of chronic illness) is to become the fullest, truest most expansive version of me that I can. That perhaps sounds rather pompous and maybe selfish but I don't mean it that way, just that I want to be who I am. I don't mean being rude or inconsiderate of others and their feelings. I want to be real and if a man happens to like that real me and I like him then that's great. If not then I'm going to keep on exploring the fullnesses of life that are available to me. In my case so far this involves therapy and dealing with poor health and low energy and failing to do as much cleaning as I should as well as open water swimming ( near stationary breaststroke) following a spiritual/Christian journey ( I have no idea where I will end up with this, but I guess that is the point, if I knew where it would end up, I could go straight there) making and creating all sorts of everything ( the spare doom currently has a load of tiny beads on the floor that I haven't managed to clear up yet) car camping (tricky in a Kia Picanto but why not) and enjoying and caring for other people's children ( they appreciate the support and I love being with little ones as long as I can lie down in a darkened room afterwards).

I hope some of that has helped.

weirdsibling · 05/12/2023 22:01

@jojobony I didn't mean your post by the way but all the people telling you to date older men

Original poster
jojobony · 05/12/2023 22:01

@EducatingArti Thank you that is a lovely post and it is very helpful, it will let it sink in a bit and as an aside I did chuckle at "the spare doom" I think I have some of that myself!

OP posts:
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