How do I not become bitter?

[jojobony]

I am now mid 40's still single, I never found a man I wanted to marry and if I did he didn't want me. In the last few years I have really aged and my success with online dating and men in general has fallen off a cliff.

I was at a friends last night for dinner, it was so lovely and cosy in their home and her husband was telling me how he had booked tickets to see the Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House and was taking my friend away to London for a couple of days as part of her Christmas. It really hit me that no man has ever done that for me and its increasingly unlikely that they ever will. He is a high earner and so she doesn't have to work and she hasn't aged at all even though she is actually older than me.

I had an aunt who never married although she at least had been asked once. She had been quite pretty but as menopause kicked in in her mid 40's she did age and she always spoke about how she had lost her looks "overnight" and she became very bitter and her mental health suffered. She ended up passing away in her mid 50's. I don't know if that is related but it felt like it was.

It worries me because I feel like I am becoming quite bitter as well at times. I feel quite envious towards women who have the nice home, husband, kids and it seems they often look amazing too because they get taken care of, nobody takes care of me. I feel like I've been worn out by the world and by men. My niece was talking about a boys she liked and I said men will only disappoint her and that she'd be better off just focusing on herself and buying her own house rather than wasting time trying to find a man to do it with. In some ways I do stand by that but I also know that not all men are going to let her down and that on some level that was my bitterness talking.

I think about getting something done to my face, filler or a thread lift but then I worry it will look bad and I'll look like a desperate old woman trying to hang on to her youth but online dating is brutally looks driven and I've tried joining various groups to meet new people and hopefully men but they are either full of women my age also looking for men or the men in my age range are all focused on women 10 years younger.

I just feel like its all a cruel trick or that the music stopped and without a partner I am out of the game.

I can assure you I'm a woman! I'm 47 and notice lots of sexy men in their 50s! Here are some sexy men I'd date: Tom Cruise, Jon Bon Jovi, all of take that, all of Duran Duran, George Clooney, Bradley Cooper, Matthew McConaghey. And up to 60! If I was single I would definitely consider men that old.

Come on! Tom, Dick and Harry down the pub aren't often like any of these celebrities. What's the point of mentioning which celebrities you would date?

You’ve managed to miss op’s point completetly.

True they are celebrities. When I was 20 and they were 35 they wouldn't have been interested either. But there are plenty of none famous men who take care of themselves in their 50s. It's not old!

Ok so 60 is too old for you. But you're talking about someone only six years older than you as an upper limit. Loads of women have husbands 5-10 years older than them. You said yourself you see younger women with men of 45. But at the same time you are contradicting yourself saying most women don't fancy older men. You might want men of 45 to be interested, but if they're not then add on five years. You are not going to meet anyone if you put barriers in the way.

I don't think Botox or fillers would help. A positive attitude and liking people around you - projecting openness - would.

I can assure you I'm a woman! I'm 47 and notice lots of sexy men in their 50s! Here are some sexy men I'd date: Tom cruise, Jon Bon jovi, all of take that, all of Duran Duran, George clooney, Bradley cooper, Matthew mcconaghey. And up to 60! If I was single I would definitely consider men that old.

I hope you’re joking, right? 😂 I am fairly sure none of them would be interested in you. But hey, dream on and miss what op’s post is about. Finding a decent man her age. Not George Clooney ffs.

See my previous post. Obviously the point I'm making is that there are lots of sexy men in their 50s. 52 is not 60 or the same age as ops dad.

@startquitting frogswimming is very good at cherry picking what I say and ignoring things in order to make their case that I should be open to much older men 🤔

6 years is not much older.

I don't think Botox or fillers would help. A positive attitude and liking people around you - projecting openness - would

I've read all the way through the thread, only to find the very best advice right at the end of it.

My partner is 10 years older than me, btw. Don't rule it out. There are plenty of men of your own age who are complete bellends, and plenty of men who are older who are lovely.

It's easier and more realistic to try dating 'slightly' older men (50-55?) than expect all 45 year old men to stop fancying 35-40 year olds.

It very much depends on the person. It can be too old as it was in his case but he felt his ex-footballer status and wealth entitled him to a 32 year old and perhaps it does, she is welcome to that grandpa.

True. So improve your odds by giving 50-55 year olds a chance. You only need one who you click with.

I've said repeatedly that I would consider up to 10 years older for the right man but I haven't met any that would do yet. it is perhaps easier if you have been with an older man since you were both a bit younger but 55 seems and looks "a lot" older than 45 for example.

I am 51. I don't want to date a man in his 60s! They are looking towards retirement if not already there. I have another 15 years to go.

I have been through separation, now reconciliation but I did look at dating while we were apart. Quite frankly, the options revolted me! I would have rather stayed single.

I mean, some like older men which is absolutely fine! But if you don’t, then you don’t which you’ve said many times now. I can totally see what you mean about being jealous of ’happy families’. And no, noone believes everyone is happy all the time, but this is just life. Which you long to feel a part of. It’s kind of mean not to try and understand that I think or convince you otherwise, or to point out that ’most’ people are not happy. I don’t think that is true. Your post is well written, and I really do hope you will find someone who will spoil you every now and again. Someone to say Hi, I’m home! to..

Op when you say you would consider up to ten years older if he's the right man, have you been on any dates with people 5-10 years older except that one guy who sounds like a knob?

Cut envy of it's root...that alone will eat you alive....be content with what you have rather then what you don't...it's always the case of the grass looks greener on the other side but it never is.
Count your blessings and be grateful 🙏
Work on your self esteem and your confidence will eventually attract the right guy for you....don't despair many find love at a later stage..so don't give up hope

I can assure you I am a woman, bit odd to assume that because my opinion differs to yours that I am a man!
You don't want to date anyone older and that's your perogative, people have taken their time to give you some advice based on your original post and you have come back slating their views or calling them out as 'men'.
Good luck.

@jojobony OP I fully sympathise with you having been single for my whole life except for two 1 year relationships (and a boyfriend who was a total shit so don't want to count him). it can be exhausting fending for yourself especially as we grow older and friends who were more present in our lives become increasingly busy with their own commitments (and understandably so). After all these years, I have figured out that the only way to deal with being alone with to make peace with it. then, if someone comes along - wonderful and if not, who cares. I realise this is probably not what you want to hear. unfortunately it's life, and some of us will be alone. many of us will be alone despite being in relationships. and the other thing I have learnt is whether alone or in a relationship, waiting for someone else to look after me will only lead to resentment. instead, I indulge myself. I take myself out to nice restaurants and theatres, I book holidays and cook something nice most evenings. I listen to my own needs and honour them. I make my life how I want it to be and don't wait for anyone. not saying this will work for you necessarily, but I am very content.

A lot of these blokes going for women 10+ years younger than them are going to get a nasty shock when they start getting older and their much younger partner leaves them for someone their own age. It will happen more and more now that women have more agency and are more clued up about being taken advantage of.

OP just to put a different slant on it
Which you’ll probably hate but just a thought.

Very few of us get what we want. Some situations elicit more sympathy than others. I would say yours is one of them.

My grump - and yes I moan a lot - is that my health prevents me from progressing my career as I wanted. I often feel empty and like I’ve achieved nothing. I spent much of 30s literally weeping over it.

But I’m 47 and I have to make peace with it. My health limits me. That’s a fact I have to accept.

You might really hate my next comment, or you could take hope from it. Im someone who always wanted to be single and barely dated. This summer I was with a guy half my age. He was/is wonderful, no matter what MN thinks of it. I ended it because I couldn’t get past altering my single life.

Im not particularly attractive, I’m fat. We met in real life. Sometimes things like that happen.

But if it doesn’t offend you, let’s equate our unhappiness, albeit with different things. Our lives haven’t turned out how we wanted.

We can either accept our lot and try to move forward or we can get bitter. I won’t lie, I’m sure many things could make me bitter. But I do have good things in my life so all I can do is focus on that.

i assume you’ve seen the film - so get busy living, or get busy dying. I might choose the latter one day, but for now I’m in the former.

I met him when I was 46 and he was 56.

I suggest that if you adopt a sunshiney, positive, friendly, open-minded attitude (you have been pretty curt with a lot of people on your thread), you might have more luck.

I bloody love being single.
Have dine since I split with exH in about 1998.
No desire for a man/partnership. I do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to share my bed, my time, my holidays.
I have loads of good friends of both sexes. Lots of hobbies. I’m happy.
I totally struggle to understand why someone would need a man/partner to be happy.

Ffs. Do people still think like this?
Have a certain body type.
Don’t have grey hair (have men ever been told this?)
Moderate your make up (I don’t wear any, ever. I’m guessing that would be a no to?)
Whats the shit about Chinese food?
Wearing shorts is a marker for youth?
WTAF have I just read?

@cardibach we all have different needs and wants.

you wouldn’t dream of going on a TTC thread and asking why someone wanted a baby.

agree with your second post. I had someone here tell me to limit going outside as it’s bad for skin. Also, horror that I don’t have a hairdresser.