What's the best limerick you've ever heard?

[KenAdams]

We were discussing limericks this week and I haven't heard a good one in ages.

Anyone got a favourite they'd like to share?

My lovely grandpa’s favourite:

She stood on the bridge at midnight
Her lips were all a quiver
She gave a cough
Her leg fell off
And floated down the river

A lovely young woman from Rhyl
used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

There was a young man from Caracas…

I forget the rest.

On the bosom of young Abigail
Was written the price of her tail
And upon her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in braille

There was a young Scotsman called Andy
who went into a pub for a shandy
when he lifted his kilt
to mop what he’d spilt
the barmaid said ‘blimey! That’s handy!’

You can’t beat some Tommy Cooper or Les Dawson

The boy stood on the burning deck
His lips were all a quiver
He gave a cough, his leg fell off
And floated down the river

There was a young man from Bombay
Who took a slow boat to China one day.
He was strapped to the tiller, by a sex starved gorilla
And China’s a bloody long way!

Another version

on the apron of a barmaid in Sale
was written all the prices of ale
while on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was exactly the same but in braille

There was a young man from Bosham
Who took off his bollocks to wash 'Em.
His wife said 'Oh Jack
Will you please put them back?
Or I'll tread on the buggers
And squash 'em'

I love this

Not heard this in years! My late dad used to quote it

loving your work!
That was suppose to be a response to Clarapetal & the young man from Bosham

There was a young woman whose smile
Was as wide as an average mile,
When she opened her trap, she revealed a big cat
Two dogs, and the town of Carlisle...

Written by DS as a competition entry when we went to the Lear Art Exhibition in Oxford (12?) years ago.

There was an old lady called Mummy
Famous for her very fat tummy.
Her children both laughed
And made her go daft
’til she shouted out loud “That’s not funny!”.

Didn’t win any prizes but I loved it.

There was a young man from Kent
Whose dick was incredibly bent.
He got into trouble 'cause he put it in double and instead of cumming he went.

(Sorry. Believe it or not, my septuagenarian mother told me that).

Two more from the limerick round in 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue':

I've just bought a fully trained moth
Who swims like a fish in Scotch broth.
To end his routine
He farts 'God save the queen'.
Has anyone here got a cloth?

and:

When it snows you will find Sister Sledge
Out mooning at night on the ledge.
One storey down
Is the maestro James Brown,
Displaying his meat and two veg.

I heard one years ago, I think it was a food blessing/grace one. Something about 5 potatoes between 4 of us. Possibly Irish. Anybody know the one I'm talking about?

There was a young lady called Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom
When she called out for more
A voice from the floor
Said, 'My name is Simpson, not Samson'.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God
But it wasn't Jehovah
Who turned the girl over
Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old dodger, the bugger the bastard the sod!

A few from my collection …

The limerick form is complex,
Its contents run chiefly to sex,
It burgeons with virgeons,
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic effex.

The modern cinematic emporium,
Is by no means the merest sexorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who dreamt she’d been buggered by God,
But it wasn’t Jehovah
That turned the girl over
‘Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
The bugger, the bastard, the sod!

There was a young girl of Llewellyn,
Whose breasts were as big as a melon,
They were big it was true
But her cunt was big too
Like a bifocal, full colour, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straights of Magellan.

There was a young maid of Boston, Mass.
Who stood in the water up to her knees.
(If it doesn’t rhyme now,
It will when the tide comes in.)

Of course there was the Limerick about the Turkish President that Boris Johnsom was asked to make up on the hoof during an interview. Unbeknownst to him at the time , it was entered into the competition and won.

There was a young fellow from Ankara,
Who was a terrific w**kerer,
Till he sowed his wild oats,
With the help of a goat,
But he didn't even stop to thankera”

There once was a lady called Holly
Whose boobies got stuck in a brolly
She started to cry but her boobies stayed dry
Silly old Holly the wally

There was a young lady, Dubois
Who committed a dreadful faux pas
She loosened a stay
in her décolleté
Exposing her je ne sais quois

^^

As Titian was mixing Rose Madder
His model was perched on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested Coition
So he nipped up the ladder and had ‘er

Told to me by a year 7 student - it still makes me laugh!

There was a young woman from Chester
Who went to the park and undressed her
The Policeman on duty
said 'oh what a beauty'
It took him 5 hours to arrest her