What's the best limerick you've ever heard?

[KenAdams]

We were discussing limericks this week and I haven't heard a good one in ages.

Anyone got a favourite they'd like to share?

There was an old lady from Spain
Who stuck her leg out of the train
It went so fast it tickled her arse
She never did that again.

There was a young lady from Wick
Who said to her mum what's a prick
Her mother said Annie
It goes in your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick.

Someone wrote this in my autograph book years before I understood it.

There was a young student from Kings
Who cared not for girls & such things
His height of desire
Was a chap from the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs

There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said the young girl 'Stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming'
Said the plumber, still plumbing
'It's me.'

There once was a man from Madras
whose balls were of solid brass.
When they clanged together,
they played "Stormy Weather"
and lightning shot out of his ass.

There was a young man China
who wasn’t a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and split his cock
and now he has a vagina.

There was a young man from saltaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
The banister broke
so he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid air

She stood on a bridge at midnight
Her lips were all a quiver
She gave a cough
Her leg fell off
And floated down the river

From an old joke book 😁 but always been able to recall this one!

There was a young man from Rhyll
Who swallowed a nuclear pill
His genital organ was found in Glamorgan
And his nuts on a tree in Brazil

I was going to do this one!!

Hairy Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her drawers
When she farted
Out it darted
Then it was there no more

There was a kind curate from Kew
who kept a tom cat in a pew.
He taught it each week
a new letter from Greek
but it never got further than mu.

There once was a man called Reg
Who was caught having sex in a hedge
Along came his wife
With a carving knife
And cut off his meat and 2 veg

There once was a man from China
who wasn’t a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and cut off his cock
and now he’s got a vagina

I like the ones in Cabin Pressure. “Or, as they would say in Limerick…”
”The captain has turned on the signs, so stow away bags of all kinds. Then make sure your tray is folded away and your seat back no longer reclines”

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were terribly stable.
And one week in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table.

There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog
Two mice and a dog
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

This is so random as this one came back to me recently- I think it’s Roald Dahl;

An epicure dining at crewe
found a rather large mouse in his stew
cried the waiter “don’t shout and wave it about,
or the rest will be wanting one too!”

The venerable Dean of St Pauls said,
”Concerning them cracks in the walls.
Do you think it would do
If we filled ‘em with glue?”
The Bishop of Lincoln said, “Balls”.

Some great ones here, thanks all 😂👌🏼 cheered me up of a miserable evening

There was a young lady named Todd
Who believed that all kids came from God
But it wasn't the almighty
Who got inside her nightie
It was Roger, the lodger, the sod

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within an hour
His nose was a flower
And his head a mass of weeds

There once was a woman called Rachel
Who`s chastity was rather debatable.
One night in Paree
She met an Henri
Who turned out to be rubber, inflatable!

Made up on the spot to a friend by her boss at the Christmas party!

I have a slight variation on the Devizes one…

There was a young man from Devizes
Who had balls of different sizes
The one that was small was no use at all
But the other won several prizes

Also, one seen on a birthday card…

I wish I was a glow worm,
A glow worm’s never glum,
’Cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum?

There was a young man from Australia
Who had his arse painted like a dahlia
The colour was fine as was the design
But the aroma - that was a failure