What's the best limerick you've ever heard?

[KenAdams]

We were discussing limericks this week and I haven't heard a good one in ages.

Anyone got a favourite they'd like to share?

I know this as a song! 😁

I went to the market with my brother Jim
And somebody threw a tomato at him
Now tomatoes are soft and they don't bruise the skin
But this one it did, it was wrapped in a tin.

Gettttt awaaaaay, gettttt awaaaaay
It's a jolly fine song so I'll sing it all day.

I went out early one bright sunny morn
And I saw a tramp eating grass on our front lawn
So I said if you're hungry and in need of a snack
The grass is much longer around at the back.

Gettttt awaaaaay, gettttt awaaaaay
It's a jolly fine song so I'll sing it all day.

Love it!😂

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Whose manners she had forgotten them
At tea at the vicars
She took off her knickers
Because she said she felt hot in 'em

There was a young man from Devizes,
Who had balls of different sizes,
One was so small it was no use at all,
The other was huge and won prizes.

There was a young man from Poole, who had a red ring round his tool. When he rushed to the Clinic,
the Doctor, a Cynic
Said it's only Lipstick you fool!

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts went up its bum
And turned it into nylon

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole up her nose
And said "You can't swim here it's private"

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Bless my soul, You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was a young lady from Exeter,
Whose figure made men crane their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

A policeman from Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function.
For years of his life he deceived his poor wife
With some spit on the end of his truncheon.

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose testicles were two different sizes. One was so small it was no good at all and one was so big it won prizes.

When Lady Penelope swoons
Her boobies pop out like baloons
Her butler stands by
With a gleam in his eye
To pop them back in with warm spoons

-Kenny Everett

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were trapped and did not know what to do
Let us fly said the flea
We must flee said the fly
So they flew through a flaw in the flue

Thee was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket

Oh, I know a different version of the man from Nantucket...

Another version:

There was a young man from Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went just for fun
Dressed up as a bun
And a dog ate him up in the hall.

Another Leeds version!

There was an old Man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Blades of grass
Grew from his arse
And his balls were covered in weeds

There was a young man called Keeling
Who boarded a bus to Ealing
It said on the door
'Don't spit on the floor'
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling

While Titan was grinding rose madder
His model was poised on a ladder
Her position to Titan
Suggested coition
So he dashed up the ladder & had her

There was a young man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it,
He said very loud as he was ever so proud,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

My version was "He said with a grin, wiping come from his chin"...

My version is:
A funny thing happened to my brother Jim,
Somebody threw a tomato at him.
Now tomatoes are soft and they don’t break the skin
But this one was different: it was still in the tin.
Not a limerick, of course.

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Took a walk one day out of boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

John Cooper Clarke

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were ever so stable
And armed with a spoon,
every full moon
She'd drink herself under the table

There was a young cannibal Ned
Who used to eat onions in bed
His mother said sonny
It's not very funny
Why don't you eat people instead?

There was a young man from Nepal
who went to a fancy dress ball
He decided to risk it
and go as a biscuit
But a dog ate him up in the hall