What's the best limerick you've ever heard?

[KenAdams]

We were discussing limericks this week and I haven't heard a good one in ages.

Anyone got a favourite they'd like to share?

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse with a dahlia
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But thruppence a lick was a failure

The glow worm one was written by Spike Milligan, it’s one of my favourites of his.

I've always known that one as:

There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were made of brass
In windy weather
They clanged together
And sparks flew out of his arse.

There was an old man from Madrid
Who ate 65 eggs for a quid.
When they asked ‘Are you faint?’
He replied ‘No I ain’t,
But I don’t feel as good as I did’.

An indolent vicar from Bray
Let his lovely red roses decay.
His wife, more alert,
Bought a powerful squirt
And said to her spouse ‘Let us spray’.

And a couple of ‘original’ ones, invented by myself and friends as part of a game:

There was a young fellow called Mark
Who sure loved a bit of a lark.
After 10 pints of beer
He was full of good cheer
And he staggered all over the park.

Nice outfit today, Mr Cox.
Double denim? It totally rocks.
Just one word of advice -
Do your trainers up nice
And don’t stuff your jeans in your socks.

(Insert name) goes to Tesco's
That's where he buys his best clothes
T shirts £1.50 - very cheap and nifty

There was an old random called Frank
His clothes were unwashed and he stank
He asked for a shag
I said mate I would gag
So just stalk me on Facebook and wank

These are brilliant, thank you!

A non-limerick from (before) my youth:

Hitler had only got one ball
Goering had two but they were small
Himmler had something similar
And comrade Goebbels had no balls at all.

Sung to the tune of some military march; I forget what.

Another 2 from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue (from the early 90s if I'm right):

Whilst quaffing large measures of port
One is apt to be taken quite short
If there isn't a loo
For what you need to do
Shove the cork up your arse, just a thought.

Whilst flicking through the Daily Express
Saw a royal in a transparent dress.
I said 'Is that the royal show?'
Prince Charles shouted 'No!'
But the man from Del Monte says 'Yes!'

Forgot but just remembered:

A tutor who taught on the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor to tooters to toot?

One from school:

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
And told them not to fall off

It's the Colonel Bogey March, used in Bridge on the River Kwai.

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who ought to have never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn

I always remember the Pam Ayres one in my childhood dentist's waiting room:

Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth
And spotted the perils beneath.
All the toffees I chewed
And the sweet sticky food
Oh I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I have lots. Here are some. Others in my arsenal would have me banned 😄

There once was a girl on a binge
Who's belly started to twinge
She stopped sucking dick
And went to be sick
And splashed it all over her minge

There once was a man called Rick
Who had a big floppy dick
He rubbed it with lard
To help him get hard
And now his knob is all slick

There once was a man called Blunt
Who liked to go on a hunt
He killed a grey tabby
Which was rather flabby
The posh, feline murdering cunt

There once was a girl from Dilli
Who loved to suckle on willy
She said I'm from the far East
And I'm having a feast
This ball bag could do with some chilli

There once was a woman called Britt
Who had an abnormal sized clit
She said "fucks it gigantic"
That's not very romantic
Wait til you see my left tit

There was a young man from Gwent
Whose willy was long and it bent
It caused him some trouble
When he folded it double
Instead of coming he went!

I'm not usually a pearl-clutcher, but there are some really unpleasant ones here, especially about women's bodies.
There are some very clever ones too - those are totally worth remembering.

My offering:

The land jellyfish is dirigible
Its tentacles fine and invisible
As it drifts in the breeze,
Over mountains and trees,
Its sting makes you lonely and miserable.

There once was a woman from Twickenham,
Whose boots were too small to walk quickinem.
She walked for a mile
'Til she came to a stile,
Then pulled them both off and was sickinem.

Another glow worm one

I know a worried glow worm
I wonder what the matter is?
He seems so glum and gloomy
Perhaps he needs new batteries

There was a young girl called Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle
The next day at dawn
She gave birth to a prawn
Which proved that the turtle was fertile

Miserable Malcolm from Morecombe
had Rottweilers but would not walk ‘em
Stuck in all day, but no muck would they lay
because Malcolm had managed to cork ‘em

I like this one:
There was a young man of Montrose
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass
Replied, “Darling, I pay through the nose.”

An Oxbridge one:

There was a young man from St John’s
Who had sex with one of the swans
Said the loyal hall porter
“Oh sir, have my daughter!
”Them swans is reserved for the dons.”

Some dastardly dog-thieves from Dagenham
Liked stealing young puppies and bagenham
But though when they pup-napped 'em
They pinched, bumped and slapped 'em,
The plucky pups still had some wagenham!