Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

This thread has some remarkable similarities to another one in Relationships, not exactly the same story but a very similar pattern. Look up ‘Cold break-up’, might be erm, useful. Just saying.

Lol as if needy, jealous, insecure idiots are every woman's dream.

You're deluded.

I agree with the other posters sorry OP but it's time to take a reality check here are the red flags:

🚩 Mans man protective and controlling
🚩 Love bombing
🚩Future faking
🚩Setting up a meeting with ex
🚩Ex wanting to buy a present
🚩Controlling hypothetical scenarios
🚩Short relationship (must be max 2,5 years) not necessarily too quick if you are both single and childfree but I do think too quick if you already have a child with another man to be having A baby!
🚩Sitting you down to tell you something
🚩Setting out conditions "coercive"

He is using coercive control.

Parents evening is easy just take it in turns and send an email asking for a quick chat with the teacher if you feel you are missing out. Sound like he want to
parade his future possible pregnant partner like a show pony at parents evening!? It does not need to be a drama fuelled condition of a a relationship.

Relationships do not work like this. There are no eggshell. You negotiate and informally hash things out.

Imagine you do have a baby and it breaks down - what happens then? I know of someone this happens to she became pregnant and she decided to have a late termination to avoid being tied to this monstrous man for life who then accused her of murdering his baby. This reminds me of that man!

I think you are feeling defensive because you apparently have this great guy who totally adores you and is devoted to you and of course who wouldn't be swayed by that and want to keep that? BUT he is saying he hates the idea of you having a kid with another man - that is where it starts to enter really weird, intense, jealous territory that you are obviously concerned enough by to post on here. And you are right to. It's not beautiful because he loves you so much he feels this way, it's creepy and immature and he is putting himself above your daughter's well being whatever else he says. I'm afraid he is too good to be true. Very much recommend you check out his previous ex's experiences for controlling, jealous, narcy type behaviour.

"No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved"

Why would anyone knowingly go into a relationship with someone who had a child to someone else and then be surprised or unhappy that the ex is involved

What I find the saddest thing here is that your DD will never see her parents united in the same room ever again, unless her mum's boyfriend is handing about.

'My partner is what every women dreams of....... he is a man that wants his women to be his women and no one else’s and in most relationships that's standard...'

“......don’t you think I want the same, anything I ask of you will never hurt DD , it will only ever be better for our dynamic moving forward”

Well, he's not what I dream of. DH would get pretty short shrift from me if he thought I was 'his woman and no one else's' and spouted any nonsense trying to control my response to what he was asking by saying 'don’t you think I want the same, anything I ask of you will never hurt DD , it will only ever be better for our dynamic moving forward'- I make my own mind up about what I think.

That aside, I can hear that you love this man, and that you know him better than any of us do, but you are giving us info and asking for our advice and we almost all are seeing/hearing things that are concerning us about his behaviour/attitude.

You say it is only this one thing but what happens when there is something else that 'threatens' and upsets him? Someone you have to work with? A neighbour? A counsellor? A friend's partner? People come and go from our lives- you may nit even know the person yet, but he could feel threatened by that relationship. How will he restrict you then?

You need to talk to your friends and family if they have met him and ask for their honest opinion of him, they may have a clearer eyed view than you.

And like other poster said the acid test would be to 'sit him down' and say you will absolutely attend parents evenings with your ex and wouldn't dream otherwise. Tell him the priority here is not his feelings it is your daughter's wellbeing. See how he reacts. That will tell you a lot about what you might expect from him in the future....

Also strongly suggest you read about narcissistic behaviour and love bombing

man, was just reading your post again - last two paragraphs - textbook narcissism - it's like he has read the manual.

This ^ 100%

Stop letting him dictate what he is comfortable with. We all know you are smitten with this guy and you won't dump him - so sit him down and tell him if he feels sick at the thought of you talking to your ex, or seeing him etc, that is HIS issue and he needs to leave you to co-parent your way.

If he accepts this then see how you get on. If his reaction is to shout, get moody, get angry or sulk - that's your warning and actually shows you a glimpse of what is to come with him.

He's not putting your child first. My children found it really important to have both parents there for significant events such as parents' evening, graduations etc. I could not be doing with someone like your partner who was butting in on that while I was doing my absolute best for my child.

and for god's sake, make sure you are using contraception!

Also, just a heads up, school events are often limited on how many people can attend. DS is in yr 2 and his nativity is limited to 2 invites per child.

Same will be true of much bigger events ie graduations etc. Your partner may not always make the cut which means for some events you may be there alone with your ex, or, let's say, your potential new baby and your ex. I can already imagine your boyfriend seething with anger and people mistaking you as a family unit.

"No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved"

If I went into a relationship with someone who had a child already, I would expect the child's other parent, the ex, to be involved. All I would hope for is that they are a decent person and behave in a mature and considerate way. Which is what @Emily920's ex is doing. He is parenting normally and not being a total knob to either his DD or his ex. So OP's new boyfriend should be sighing with relief and thankful that the dad isn't causing any problems. He shouldn't be feeling that his girlfriend's ex is actually being obtrusive simply by attending Parents' Evening, like any decent parent would! That isn't normal.

Dictating terms he wants with respect to your DD, hating "the fact I have a child with someone else" but "he puts up with it"... "but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick". This is not normal, decent behaviour. If he doesn't like that his girlfriend has a child that isn't it, he should walk away and seek a relationship with someone who doesn't. It's a simple as that.

My guess though is that OP is going to ignore all the posts she's had warning her this isn't right, forget she ever posted and carry on with Mr Right Every Time And Don't You Forget It. Until it's too late.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html#:~:text=Narcissists%20are%20typically%20aware%20of,see%20their%20behavior%20as%20problematic.

Just say no , you do not want to, have you even tried that?. Why is it so black and white that he has to be dumped? Why go nuclear, mn is so extreme.

If he becomes aggressive or does not respect your opinion, then that’s different..

OP have you said to him that you will always prioritise your dd and whilst he can always give his opinion, you have the last say and he must not insist.

I feel that it's fairly clear that this man is going to wreak havoc in the life of your daughter, and you are going to stand back and let him.

I hope I'm wrong but I fear from your updates I'm not. All of these replies, seem to be unanimous in their opinion that he's bad news, yet you are refusing to listen, ask yourself why.

I agree you need to set your boundaries early with him and let him know that your daughter's needs and well-being are your priority. His response (immediate and after he's had time to ruminate over it) will tell you everything you need to know.

I think it's gone a bit nuclear because it's obvious that the OP's poor, guiltless daughter is going to get damaged by this immature pairing. It's really upsetting so I guess you try and say what you can to protect the child

No one goes into a relationship with someone that has a child and is over the moon about the ex being involved

Mature people who understand that a child has two parents do, involvement and good co-parenting with an ex is an ideal. It means one parent isn't tasked with all of the work of parenting.

It's people with trust issues who act the way your partner is acting.

You can't get two parents evening slots to talk about one child - its not fair on the teachers or other parents (slots are limited)

I would not say this man is right - you have a child and a good relationship with the dad. That is priceless.

You need to say 'you will attend parents eve' with your ex, and hospital appointments - as it is in the best interests of your dd.. if he cannot accept that he needs to go - and the sooner the better - it will only get harder.

I think it's gone nuclear because no decent, loving, mature man would suggest the things that the ops boyfriend has.

I am so fed up of reading on here about women who put their boyfriends above their kids, so bloody desperate for a bloke and new family.
Every damn day!

As the daughter of divorced parents I think he IS asking for a lot.

It has been a great source of comfort that my parents still found a way to parent together (despite a difficult divorce). Certainly when I was a child, them 'coming together' for moments such as parent's evenings, or when I was upset, or graduations all meant I still felt like I had a the right foundations.

To have to deny half yourself by pretending your Dad doesn't really exist around a new partner. That would have seriously effed me up.

You say he just wants you to be his only, well sure yes, most people just want their partners to be theirs.

As for parents evenings, he's putting himself before your dd. Shouldn't parents evenings etc be about what's best for your dd.

I bet he's also one of these men that says things like 'I wish you'd been a virgin when I met you'

He's not an alpha male, or a man's man. He's insecure and because of that insecurity he's trying to control how you parent your dd. Something that's been working well up until now.

A man's man, an alpha male would be secure enough to support you in your interactions with your ex and be confident enough to trust you in how you interact with your ex.

If you're not careful he'll ruin the good and adult relationship you have with your ex, which will impact your dd