Naive or stupid

[Emily920]

Hi All,

I am a parent to a 5 year old daughter. I separated from her dad about 2 1/2 years ago and I have a new partner who I have been with for almost a year. Things are great with us until the ex situation comes about.

my partner doesn’t have children and wants one, I can also see myself having another which I never thought I would.

he is a great man, the kind of man I’ve always wanted. A real man’s man that looks after me and puts me 1st above everything and he does. He literally lives to make sure me and my daughter are happy and often turns down things with his friends etc just so he can spend time with us as a family which I adore as her dad was the complete opposite and didn’t care at all.

however, he hates the fact I have a child with someone else, he puts up with it and is great with my daughter but the thought of me having to go parents evening with my ex literally makes him feel physically sick or for example, he asked me the other day if I was going to buy my ex a present for Christmas and I said yes but from my daughter. He then over thought that and assumed I was going to go and spend lots of money on him and buy him things I know “He likes” when in reality I’m giving my daughter £10 to go in b&m and buy whatever she wants for him.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on. One being the parents evening, he would like me to go to separate meetings or me and him go, and my ex and his new partner go on there own.

whilst part of me thinks that he’s not asking for a lot, I also don’t understand why? He knows full well there is nothing between me and my ex but he just hates the thought of it. He also mentioned about if we finally have a baby then he wouldn’t want me going to my daughter’s school pregnant with my ex and everyone thinking I’m pregnant with his baby which I do understand but at the same time, I think there needs to be some compromise or am I just being totally unreasonable? When I put myself in his shoes, I completely get it. It’s not nice but then when I put myself in my daughter’s shoes, I also feel an extreme amount of guilt.

me and her dad co parent quite nicely, we share 50/50 custody and hardly have to see each other due to school picks ups etc. we only speak if we have to and we are both polite and respectful in front of our daughter. My ex hasn’t caused any problems for us and keeps himself to himself, he even asked me the other day was aftershave my partner likes because he wants to get him a Christmas present to say thank you for sticking around and being a part of our daughters life.

but my partner, is just not playing ball at all. He says he understands that there are going to be times that we are all going to be in the same room and he doesn’t expect me to snub him or be disrespectful but he sees it as me putting my ex first if I choose to go parents evening together because he says it will only effect my exs feelings if I don’t go with him and he wants to know that I don’t care about upsetting me ex if needed. almost like a validation thing to prove to him that I care more about him than I do my ex.

The thing is, me and my ex broke up on good terms. We never really have any trouble and i don’t want to cause unnecessary drama but then my partner sees that as me not putting his feelings first when it’s all i ever do.

how do i handle this situation? I love my partner so much and i am the happiest i have ever been when I'm with him. The thought of losing him literally hurts because he’s perfect in every way but can I live my life on egg shells? Where’s the balance? What can I do to balance it out?

He is already dictating how you communicate with your ex husband who is also the father of your daughter. Tell him to mind his own business and stop being a baby, this is not about him and his wants and his ego and if he causes any tension between your daughter and her dad then you will dump him. See what his reaction is. I bet he wont be mr perfect then.
I predict that if you get pregnant the abuse and control will ramp up.

You have only been with this guy for one year. He isn't a parent and he is already dictating something which is none of his business and nothing to do with him.

This is about your daughter and her needs, not him.

Agree there are red flags everywhere. You say he is perfect (no one is, this in itself is a red flag) yet then say you walk on eggshells.......

I have already spoken with him about future events like her wedding, graduations, her first child etc and he understands that those things are gonna happen and he’s not concerned about those because he also wants to be there for them and he said he understands that her dad will also be there. It’s worth noting that he messaged my ex a few months ago and they met up. They got along reasonably well but my partner wanted my ex to get to know him as my partner understood that it must be difficult for my DD dad to think about another man being around our daughter which I thought was really mature and I respected him so much for that.

he's not a bad person. Yes, he doesn’t like the fact I have to liaise with my ex but he generally is pretty good with it. This only come about because I went to a parents evening with my ex a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy about it but didn’t really say anything at the time. He then obviously thought into the future and his brain has just gone into over drive or something and created scenarios that are crazy and clearly feels quite threatened for some reason which I don’t want him to be and neither does he need to be.

He's not feeling threatened, he's feeling a loss of control and has then made moves to regain it in the future.

I wonder how he'd react if you now sat him down and said firmly 'No!'.

He met your ex because he wanted to check out (in his head) the competition.

This man is only going to get more controlling the more he gets his feet under the table.

You're already walking on egg shells. He has absolutely no role in dictating how you coparent.

He isn't the kid of man I dream of.

kind*

my partner wanted my ex to get to know him as my partner understood that it must be difficult for my DD dad to think about another man being around our daughter

There is so much projection here! This is the lens through which he views the world. Because he is a jealous individual, he assumes others are also.

If you trust that he loves you and your daughter, why not tell him you won't stop attending parents evenings with your ex, including if you get pregnant, just to see what he says?

If he loves you, and isn't controlling, he'll accept it for your and her well being, an apologise for his unreasonable demands.

If you don't want to tell him this, do you think that you don't fully believe that he's not at all controlling? What are you worried about happening if you stand up to him?

So you'd been seeing him for what, 7 months and he messaged and then met your ex? Again, what the actual fuck? Why are you enabling this massive overstepping of boundaries? At that point he shouldn't even have met your dd. You seem completely unaware of just how nuts this whole thing is, I'm amazed your ex is comfortable with it too. Absolutely bonkers.

You need some hardcore tberapy if you think this is OK. Or the freedom programme at the very least. If you had any self esteem at all you'd have laughed your head off at this nonsense. Chuck him back ffs and do some work on yourself.

Hi OP - I’m a step parent and have no children of my own (choice).

Yes, step parenting comes with a whole set of feelings/situations that are absolutely impossible to anticipate when you begin dating a person with children. You don’t start dating someone thinking about the consequences of the day-to-day stuff around child-rearing. You start by being attracted to someone, in my case only met the children 10 months in, and until that point children weren’t my reality. They were just theoretical and not relevant until my now DH and I knew we were serious and in love and planning a future.

Only once the children were really in my life did the ex start to register on my radar.

So: sure, I can understand your partner might not have understood what you having a child might mean to his life. 100% get it.

BUT - it’s a big but - I do not have the right to intervene in my stepchild’s schooling. That is a direct responsibility of their mum and dad. My DH and his ex (who are not on good terms at all) attend these together because they put aside their stupid shit differences because that’s what separated adults do.

Now, I’ve never had an issue with this, but I have on occasion, encouraged my DH to go and grab a coffee with his ex to try and calm their nonsense arguments and it’s generally worked. Do I like that I’m essentially sending my DH on a date with the mother of his children? No. But it’s called adulting. I will not give my DH ANY level of anxiety about any of this because he is a parent FIRST. He made two lives, those are his responsibility and his primary responsibility and as someone who loves him I see it as my job not to interfere IN ANY WAY with that relationship. Quite the opposite.

And I cannot emphasise enough how unsexy of a situation a parents evening is. I certainly won’t be volunteering for any, I get to stay home and eat pizza with my DSC, thus maintaining my status as cool stepmum.

Seriously, you should not be feeling ANY concern about interacting with the father of your children and he MUST understand that. Otherwise the relationship is doomed, because you will be interacting with your child’s dad for decades. Every school show/birthday/university event/graduation/weddings….

TLDR: He needs to get a grip and support a positive relationship with your ex.

Good luck OP

Not true. My DH’s ex wanted to meet me before we moved in together as I was a woman her children would be living with 50% of the time. She really appreciated it. My DH also met his ex’s partner for same reasons. It’s not unusual.

I think he’s trying to be mature, but not quite nailing it yet.

He has said he feels sick at the thought of attending parents evening.

This goes way, way beyond not enjoying an ex involved but for the record while I wouldn't be doing cartwheels at the thought of DHs ex being involved in our lives I would absolutely accept it and work with it because we're thinking about what's best for the kids, not me.

And you give him the ultimatum - either he gets on board 100% or you are done.

All of your posts prioritise him, not her.

Most of women l know who have described their partner as a "Mans Man" have often had to resort to contacting Womens Aid further down the line.
If he's like this now with your Ex, imagine how he would be should you decide to leave him? He is a ticking time bomb, men who suffer with jealously and insecurity often have anger issues as well. How do you think he will react if you told him to butt out the co parenting plans?

I can guarantee he will destroy the civilised relationship you have with your ex, which will have a knock on effect for your daughter, because he is not man enough to deal with it.

There are so many red flags here I don't even know where to start.
If I were your friend I'd be very concerned about this relationship.

My advice is to end this relationship.
He will get worse. He is controlling.
As for expecting the teacher to double their work by setting up 2 meetings…..yeah right. You do know you are not the only single parent?
Would your boyfriend double his workload for free?
You hardly know this man. Listen to posters experience. He IS controlling.
Do not get pregnant to him. It will not go well for you or your existing child.
Also he absolutely should not be in a relationship with a single parent, but he knows single parents are vulnerable and ( I mean this kindly) desperate for love.

he sat me down last night and basically said, he has thought about his future and what he wants from life and whilst he is happy to accept the fact I have an ex in my life, there are certain conditions he won’t budge on

This is a huge, huge red flag 🚩 HUGE.

Let me tell you from bitter experience that no one sets out conditions in a normal, healthy, mature relationship. He isn't perfect if he is doing stuff like that. I'm sorry. I understand you have invested and he's met your daughter (and your ex?! Wtf!) but this guy is no good.

He is controlling. I know you don't want to believe it but he is. We are all here looking at the situation without rose tinted glasses on and trying to make you take off yours to see this.

If you have a child with him, the "conditions" will get longer and you will be walking on even more eggshells daily. His "perfect" mask is slipping and he is showing you who he really is. For the sake of your daughter, take notice!

My DH is my DD's stepdad. He adores me and her. When we got married he invited my ex's family to the wedding because he wasn't insecure and he knew it would make DD happy. Over the 12 years she was in school he helped her with her homework, taxied her around, even served as a school governor, but he never once attended or suggested attending parent's evening. Because that's not his role.

This is the first time I've ever replied to a post but I couldn't not!!!! To be clear, I am a step mother, my partner is step dad to my daughter and we have a child together so very experienced in this area.

My ex husband always attends parents evenings, hospital appointments and concerts with me - it is his child so he absolutely has every right to be there! I have been to parents evening where I meet my ex for that appointment and then my partner for our daughter's appointment...it really is as simple as that!

Let me ask you -
When your daughter turns around and asks why her Dad isn't there for parents evening etc- are you going to be honest with her? Are you going to say it's because your new partner has said he can't? I can just imagine how well that's going to go down when she's a teenager.

If your ex were the one to say he didn't want to go along - would you be slagging him off for not showing an interest in his daughter?
Have you asked any close friends about this for their opinions? You don't seem to be interested in what everyone here says so maybe talk to friends and family?

When you mention 'surely noone likes the idea of exs being involved' -no we don't but as adults we show our maturity and do the best for our children and step children. A grown adult not being able to put a child before themselves is really quite worrying!

If he says that these are conditions he will not budge on then it seems the relationship is over anyway.

You also do not want to budge on these conditions.

You have as much right to be immovable as he does.

wow that sounds really unhinged on his part. also very love-bomby in his behaviour. this bodes very very ill. definitely dump and don't look back

Giving up at the 1st sign of a problem is not the answer,

Depends on the problem.
Your child should be your priority. Anything that threatens that is a big problem and should see you walk away immediately.

Do not compromise on behalf of your daughter.

Also, it reads like you've been 'love bombed' and that's a major red flag.

Do you know what his relationship history is OP? how has it panned out with exes of his?