Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

No but I never invited her to anything again. I probably would have invoiced her but being I was her supervisor I did not.

I bet they just didn't read all of the note because it sounds utterly ridiculous which would explain the 8 year old cousin.

And yep you know all of that. How ' utterly'?

Have not read every comment but my thoughts are ..when my children were little I only invited friends children ,until they were old enough to be dropped off and left at party. It really was unheard of for siblings to tag along.
This really was the norm in the late 90s and 00s !

I always used to have a few extra sweets , as something to give siblings if was doing party bags.

There were ALWAYS a few siblings . It's the nature of childcare isn't it?

Don't invite siblings easy as that. If they turn up send them back with their parents. You did put yourself in a compromising situation so suck it up and learn a lesson.

Your posts are rude, you were clearly using “privileged” as an insult and saying OP is privileged to be able to hold a birthday party for her little one is ridiculous!

OP I completely understand why you feel upset but I think it’s one to chalk up to experience x

credit to you for admitting how your original points came across (very strongly!) that it was school policy.

Even so… the idea of 33 parents all on board with this “segregation “ of every party from “8-10”…. is peculiar to say the least

and or where turn out is poor add friends of opposite sex to make up numbers. so now you’re saying that there are mixed sex parties if “turn out is low” (how would you know “turn out was low” so he parents invited extra?

oh for goodness sakes

You originally said that the secondary schools were “segregated” by gender this giving the impression that mixed secondary but girls and boys were “segregated”

Now it turns out… the secondary schools are single sex schools. Of which…. there are 4 in my town alone!

I mean, really 😂

has it occurred to you… that now every single parents follows these unwritten rules regarding whole class parties in reception and then single sex… and it’s just that your child (and others) aren’t invited to much smaller parties

@housethatbuiltme

i agree. @Muddybooties posts are the oddest and nonsense set of posts i have read on mumsnet in a long time

one was the same building with just separate Boys and Girls entrances and segregated inside.

@moomoomoo27

and once inside…. separate classes, separate lunch times, separate break times?

and you say now fully mixed, so how long ago was it “segregated” as you describe?

You need to let this go. Lying awake and stewing about something so insignificant, in the wee small hours, is a bit silly. You will make a fool of yourself if you say anything to F's mother - F for feral? As for the 8yo cousin eating party food, and the destruction of the cupcakes, chalk it up to experience, don't do a whole class party again and only invite children your daughter knows and likes.

Bad manners always hurt somebody. And "thank you" doesn't cost money. So I understand the hurt and the waking up. But I think Shalopea may have the best line to follow: maybe the parents of the 8 year old are troubled, or sick or in crisis, and that was why the child was there with his cousin and aunt/ uncle, and why no notice was given ( or maybe not!) . But that kind of bad behaviour often comes out of great unhappiness, I think. So I would let it be this time, and be cautious about that family in future

I think words like disgraceful and injustice show you take birthday parties a bit too seriously...

You’ll meet many rude children over time and a sad number of ignorant/neglectful parents. I like to think that most people do their best in life (even if their best is absolutely rubbish by our standards.) Inviting the whole class was really kind and you’ve had the chance to meet new parents and children perhaps. Hopefully your dc had a blast. I’d be curious about why the rude behaviour of a child and family is triggering for you. There was no lasting damage done. What’s left over from your childhood/life experience that is familiar to this? Maybe something happened that you didn’t have the opportunity to complain about? Have you felt unappreciated or disrespected before? If you can figure it out you can explore the feeling. It’s always good to get curious about our triggers as they say more about us than the people who trigger us 🙂

No just leave it, it’s not worth giving it another thought.

What's wrong with being privileged?

Since OP has not posted for a while, I guess she is feeling better in the clear light of day, and is not carrying a grudge or issuing invoices. Of course, I could be wrong.
This does not, of course, stop anyone feeling free to carry on arguing among yourselves

you not only said the Op was “privileged” now did you?

you said “you seem very uptight”

had you said “privileged” without the “you are very uptight” i doubt many would have reasonably presumed that you were exactly being…. nice

Let’s face it…. about 90% of us on mumsnet are “privileged”

so do you hop on to the vast majority of threads and remind people with good intentions that they are privileged?

nope. Didn’t think so 😂

You should not say anything to the parent.
Believe me God will give his revenge.
But you must earn others about this family ( if you are presented with the opportunity.)
You are fortunate that you got to experience for yourself the caliber of this family as in the future your child could have been at risk if invited to THEIR house. You know to keep your distance. I would count this knowledge: A Blessing. No need to be vengeful or catty, with notes. Just warn your friends. These types worm their way in and STEAL HUSBANDS TOO, as well as cakes!!!!!

i think the OP is being ott @flowerchild2000 and i own it

You know you didn’t mean “very privileged” following “you are very uptight” as some kind of gentle supportive positive reminder. So own it rather than this simpering “what’s wrong with being privileged?”. It’s coming across a little… peculiar

Totally understand how you feel, good manners cost nothing, but you are going to have to let it go.
You are in the very early stages of your parenting journey - unfortunately, worse will happen over the years.

Yes exactly. The canteen was across the road so there were staggered lunch sittings - girls would play in the playground, boys would be eating lunch across the road, and then swap.

It was separate until the mid 1980s.